Is she up to something?(long)

[AJSunny]

I met this lady this past summer. I liked her smile and the way she carried herself. Thought it wouldn't hurt to ask her out on a date. So I did. She said yes. And man, what a smile. The date was great. I wanted to ask her out again. So I got her number, called her, and asked her out again. And the second one was great too. And so on and so forth. I'd been seeing her for some time but due to a little bit of geographical distance between us starting in the fall, I haven't been able to be around her as much as I like, but we were in touch. Things were good.

 

However starting this winter, she started acting strange around me. Ok, this winter we were both around, but I admit I was very busy with important family affairs and a lot of my pals were to go into the armed forces (where I am from, it's required of men once they turn 20 if they don't have any pressing obligations keeping them from doing so) and I wouldn't be seeing them for a full 2 and half years so I wanted to spend time with them as much as I could. I did really try to make time for her too, because I do really like her. I admit I would ask her out but last minute family affairs would come up to cause me to cancel, and I felt terrible, but there was nothing I could do. And I tried to make it up to her but then she would have plans, etc. So I text messaged her hello and wished her a good day and things like that..but it was as if she was angry at me for not making time for her, and before the break was over she said that if a guy couldn't find time for a girl, he wasn't interested enough in her and she didn't want to wait around. So she said she didn't want me to contact her anymore. I was pretty shocked, but if that was she thought and wished, what could I do but to let her be?

 

Well, after about a month I just couldn't do it so I called her up and told her she was mistaken and that I did care. She said alright, and things were good again. A weekend came up where I thought I could find time to go see a friend and also her (they are both in the same area), and I told her I might be going. I asked her if she wanted to see me, kind of in a flirting, joking way. For some reason she got sort of defensive at this and said curtly "if you want to come just come. Don't ask things like that as if you're coming because I am begging you to come.." Whoa, where did all this come from? I backed off and said "I'm coming I'm coming." Maybe it was my mistake to have joked like that. I didn't know I would offend her. Anyway I tried to keep in touch with her until the weekend I would see her, but all of a sudden, she sends me this email accusing me of playing games with her and that she doesn't want to see me or keep in touch with me anymore. I was stunned. It was like a punch in the face. I also found myself getting angry and I don't like to get angry if I can help it. So I just ended up meeting my buddy and not her.

 

I gave her space for some time and then tried one more time to clear the misunderstanding. And I told her I just wanted to keep getting to know her and that was all I asked. Again, she gave in and things were good again. So Valentine's Day weekend I was going to be in her area again, so I thought maybe I could see her this time. I honestly have no clue what I was doing wrong because all of a sudden she told me that this "getting to know each other slowly" was just bs and that I was just playing her without any intention of pursuing anything with her, and that she wasn't going to sit around and deal with it. And surprise, she told me not to contact her ever again.

 

By this time, however nicely I wanted to see the situation, I was beginning to think this lady was losing her marbles. And I was getting pretty tired of this.

So. It's April now, and I haven't contacted her, called her, written her, messaged her since. Nothing. It's what she wanted right?

 

My main reason for writing this is that, just a few days ago, I got this long email from her telling me she was going through so many issues and that she put them upon me, and was sorry and "could we start over again?"

I am afraid it's just going to be the same thing over again. Or should I take her word for it and give it a chance? Was she just going through issues? I know sometimes I get across as really immature to girls but I honestly like this girl.. Is SHE playing ME? If that is the case, I am not wasting any more time.

What do you think?

[steffany]

long distance relationships can be hard for some people. I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I would want to be number one not equal to your buddies. She is being insensative to your desires and need to spend time with people besides her and you are being silly thinking it can work. She'll more than likley do this to you again when you come to visit and decide to see your buddy while you're there. Or when she comes to visit and you don't block everything out of your life but her for the time she is there with you. Why are ya'll so far apart? Is there anyway to bridge the gap a little?

[Tony T]

I don't think she was/is playing you at all. I do believe she has some issues but I think those issues stemmed from past experiences with men who behaved, on the face, as you did in the beginning.

 

Early on, when you started seeing her less and less...and cancelling dates with her, she was offended. Most women would be offended but she was probably particularly hurt because one or more men she cared for in the past did her the same way. You have to clearly understand that most people perceive events through the glasses of past experiences.

 

Perhaps in the past she got lame excuses for not seeing her from guys she really liked and she has lumped you into the dork category unfairly. However, she may be judging you by her past experiences...which is all she has to go by.

 

It could be now she has forgotten a lot of what happened. However, if you aren't ready to get real serious and show her the kind of attention she needs, without overdoing it of course, and live up to your committments to see her on a fairly regular basis then do not contact her.

 

If you really like this lady and feel you want to try to get something going with her, you better be ready to invest some time in seeing her and doing things with her on a regular basis.

 

This also may be a matter you need to go into with her in vivid detail, although understand that doing so may open old wounds. Perhaps you should do it if and when it might seem required.

[Sunflower]

She's not playing games with you! My god, I went through such a similar situation this year ( that's how I got here, haha) with this guy and I totally know where she is coming from. There are guys who DO do things she has accused you of doing; I think she's been hurt before and she is NOT losing her marbles.

It might help seeing it from her perspective if you read my posts, it's under General Relationships called "Is it time to move on" that I posted back in January. Yes, I have moved on. But in your case let her know you are not like that.

And though it sounds like you had valid reasons for cancelling dates, try try TRY not to do that. It really does offend us. Make time for her, but if she expects you to be with her all the time to the point where YOU have no life, that's a problem too. But I don't think she's asking for too much, just very sensitive from past experienes I think, like Tony said.

[clia]

I agree with Tony and Sunflower. You showed very lukewarm interest in her from the beginning--how did you expect her to react? I'm sure she feels wonderful that you are only willing to come see her when you will be "in the area" anyway. I tend to agree that a guy who is really interested will make the time and will go out of his way if he has to and won't cancel dates at the last minute.

 

Don't start over with her unless you are willing to put forth the effort. She has established that she expects it. Many girls do not expect that much effort. If you don't want to put forth the effort, find a different girl.

[Ladybug313]

I sort of agree with steffany but also mostly go with Tony, Clia and Sunflower as well.

 

I think the lady has been through some stuff. Some of her reactions I thought were a tad over the top, but in the general course of things, she had reason to be insulted. Are you sure you really really like her? It's one thing if both of you are not that interested and are just "seeing" each other, but it seems she was starting to care for you and expected that much in return. And the cancelling dates, no matter how urgent the situation, does seem irresponsible and rude. In lieu of all that, the text messaging can be just seen as lame too. It's like "actions speak louder than words." You can say how sorry you are, smoochie smooch I love you, whatever, but if you keep on cancelling, well tough. Try to think ahead.

 

Trust me I have 3 older brothers and when the love bug bites you, it BITES you. I mean studious oldest brother skipped half his final exams freshman year to come home to be with his lady because she was leaving for France for the summer. And this is STUDIOUS brother, mind you. I remember being 10 then and thinking "what an idiot" but now I understand. Of course my father blew a fuse, but anyway, that's irrelevant, tee hee. My point is I agree with clia that when a guy truly falls for a girl, he'll do anything to be with her.

 

Anyway she contacted you again with her true feelings and explanation as to why she had been so emotional. I respect her for doing that. If you really do care for her as much as you say you do and you're prepared to make that effort, contact her. If you think what you are doing is fine and she's expecting too much, then don't. You'll just hurt her. Find someone who expects less. I am sure there are plenty out there who don't mind as you cancel dates a lot, or put buddies first, or whatever. I'm not saying you are being a terrible person, but this lady clearly expects more than what you have been giving her.

[AJSunny]

Was this moved? Just checking.

In case you were curious, here's an update. I feel there's going to be a lot of working out to be done over the course of time but I made my decision to contact her. Because to tell you the truth, I just couldn't get the lady out of my mind and I really DO want to get something going with her.

 

I went down to where she was with friends of mine, and saw her this weekend. Just the two of us. It was great to see her face to face. I wanted to express my affection for her as much as I could but I was afraid getting too physical would scare her so I tried not to be too touchy or anything. Though I really wanted to just hold her hand, the sap that I am. At the end of the night I wanted to kiss her goodbye but again, I just didn't want to rush anything on her and make her uncomfortable. So I didn't.

 

We talked again today and I told her honestly that I had really wanted to kiss her that night but I was scared I would alarm her. I really did. She fell very silent and she responded with: "if you want to do it, then you do it. You don't have to explain yourself. I am fine with it. Just FORGET it." I knew I had hurt her AGAIN and I had no intention to do that.

 

I understand that I may have offended her in the past, but I am determined, seriously determined to make this work because sensitive or not, whatever issues she may have had or not, I have never met anyone like her before. And yes I like her immensely. Seeing her this weekend strengthened those feelings.

 

What can I do to gain her trust? I don't want to give up. Will I need to ask her about her past? I don't want to have to do that...hey Tony, do you think I need to get into "vivid detail?"

And at the same time, what are the limits? I want to give her all that I can, but is she asking for too much sometimes too?

 

Thanks again. Perhaps I just need to be patient?