OK, this is NOT advice for me.. I really am talking about a friend here

[MandiDoll]

I know everyone's going to be like, "my friend"... right, we all know that this is probably about you. But seriously, I need some help in giving advice to this friend of mine. She has been seeing her boyfriend for 2 months now, and they are really happy together, for the most part. They have the common relationship problems, little quarrels that don't even last as long as the make-up sex. Anyway, she has been getting all these weird vibes from her boyfriend Rick, and stuff has been happening that has confused her. We won't go into particulars, but there are certain things about their sex life that are just a little on the strange side, in both her and my opinions, along with the weirdness and awkwardness of the fights they've had and the way his friends have acted around her.

 

We had a "girls' nite" last nite, and one of her boyfriend's best friends hung out with us. She told my friend that she had never seen Rick with another girl in the three and a half years she had known him. At the last party we went to with Rick and a bunch of his friends, his best friend pulled my friend aside and had a talk with her that pretty much hinted at the fact that Rick had been hurt in the past and he probably wasn't all that she thought he was. She started putting two and two together, factoring in his awkwardness, weird fights that they'd had, and their sexual experiences together. The consenus: He was a virgin when they started dating, and he sure as hell isn't a virgin anymore.

 

Now she has no idea what to do. She is a lot like me in the respect that her relationships come with an expiration date.. hers being 3 months. She feels like such a slut right now, and feels horrible for the possibility that she stole his purity. I'll admit, I've been with a couple of guys that were virgins before I got ahold of them, but I knew it ahead of time. She had NO CLUE. So now she's wondering if she should confront him, ask him how many girls he's really been with. She's also wondering what the hell is going to happen when she hits that 3 month mark.. with the exception of her ex-fiancé, all of her relationships have not lasted more than 3 months, except for a 6 month-long one two years ago. She is afraid of what is going to happen when the relationship ends (which will probably be on her terms- like me, at least up until my last serious relationship, she has never been dumped).

 

I just don't know what to tell her.. she feels so guilty and dirty and like she's tainted him. I think she would've waited longer to sleep with him if she had known it was going to be his first time.. we won't go into when they first slept together.. just that it's happened plenty since they got together. She's one of my best friend's here at school, and it kills me to see her beating herself up over this. Is there any advice you can give me about what she can do to fix this situation? All I've been able to do is find the only silver lining on this dark cloud: they don't have to get tested for anything..... the only time I've seen her smile today was when I said that. And seeing as this girl's nickname is Sunshine, it is so unnatural for her NOT to be smiling. So any advice you can offer up would be GREAT.

 

Thanx everyone

 

Lotsa love

 

Amanda

[quankanne]

I've heard of guys going out of their way to avoid inexperienced girls because they don't want to be the first, but i think this is the first time I've heard of a woman feeling weird it!

 

But that's probably pretty natural to be feeling the way she does, but she should try not to freak out over something that's already happened. Instead, have her try to see the positive side of things. She doesn't have to worry about picking up strange diseases. She doesn't face a whole lot of bad sex habits he's acquired. She can actually "teach" him to be a responsible AND compassionate, sensuous lover, the kind of guy every girl dreams about landing for life. What she does with him now will be the basis of all his future sexual relationships with women, and someone will appreciate how she's helped him learn how to be a considerate lover.

[yes]

What's the problem here? I'm sure the guy was happy to lose his virginity; most guys are, i think. Why would she feel guilty? Did she force him to have sex??

 

And what's with this 3-months mark? she's not going to dump him after 3 months unless things get bad, right? or is she going to dump him even if the r/s is blooming??

 

perhaps there's a cultural diff-ce that's not letting me understand the problem here, but i don't really see one. why doesn't she just date him on, and see how the r/s evolves?

 

-yes

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "She is a lot like me in the respect that her relationships come with an expiration date.. hers being 3 months."

 

This is pretty bizarre. Are you saying she ends relationships after three months? Exactly what happens at three months. Putting deadlines on relationships is not fair to the other person unless they are announced in advance. I also think such a practice is pretty nuts...but to each his own.

 

2. "She feels like such a slut right now, and feels horrible for the possibility that she stole his purity."

 

She didn't do anything. This was his decision as well as hers. She didn't know...but what difference does that make now. It is also her decision to feel like a slut...or to feel very special. Preoccupation with such a matter, to me, seems such a waste of time as compared to so many frightful things that are happening in the world today. I'm truly glad for her that she has so much time on her hands.

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, she should DEFINITELY not confront him about whether he was a virgin or not when she began seeing him. Good God, how embarassed would he be? Very. So what he was a virgin, that's his business. What does it matter? And why should she feel badly for turning him into a non-virgin? So? SHe didn't put a gun to his head or force him to have sex, right? He obviously did so willingly. So leave it be. We were all virgins at one time.

 

Secondly, what's the stuff about her having this usual "thing" of dumping a guy after time has hit the 3 month mark? That's sort of rude, don't you think? Well, I suppose it's not rude if at the beginning when she starts seeing someone, she's UPFRONT AND HONEST and tells them that she doesnt' stay with a guy for longer than 3 months...so that THEY have the opportunity to decide whether they want to be with someone who's looking more for temporary fun versus a real relationship.

 

Maybe next time, she should consider that someone she might be dating IS a virgin, or MAY be expecting a long term relationship..and then she wouldn't be as quick to jump into bed with them, and at least be honest enough to tell them from the start that she doesn't date anyone past 3 months and that at that point, she just dumps their ass like.

 

What's this big fixation with him being a virgin? Believe it or not, there actually are more and more young people out there today, into their late 20's, who aren't out there sleeping around with 30 people a year......who value their bodies, who value sex, who are waiting for someone special, or who even wait til marriage. Not everyone starts sleeping around at the age of 13. And people who CHOOSE (for whatever reason) to remain virgins, or hold off having sex til they feel it's right for them, shouldn't be made fun of or embarassed...that's just rude.

 

No offense, but your friend sounds like a real prize. She jumps into bed with a guy, leads him on for 3 months, them dumps him. How insensitive and tacky. Does that make her feel powerful or something? I'm sure these guys she dates them dumps have real hearts with real feelings. Being a 'serial dumper' is surely nothing to be proud of.

[MandiDoll]

OK, let me explain something quick before I start on something else... my friend has this whole curse that her relationships, for one reason or another, don't last past 3 months.. sometimes it's because on infidelity on HIS part so it's really not like she's a bitch who dumps their asses for no reason. And last I heard, she WAS still with him despite many many MANY stupid things that boy has done.

Secondly, GOD, JustAGirl 2, do you bitch at EVERYONE like this and try to make them out to be horrible people? I was going through my old posts and came upon this one, and I was more than a little offended by your response. You have no right to make judgments on people, so please just back off and keep your comments to yourself, because you calling me "rude" or my friends that is not exactly what I need to hear when asking for advice. It's perfectly natural to talk with someone you're intimate with about how many sexual partners he or she has had. And it is also true that in this day and age, there are more and more people being sexually active at younger ages. And don't make comments on my friends or myself jumping into bed with any guys because you do not know the whole story and also have no right to ask it.

 

Just wanted to clarify some stuff

 

Amanda

[Just A Girl2]

Secondly, GOD, JustAGirl 2, do you bitch at EVERYONE like this and try to make them out to be horrible people? I was going through my old posts and came upon this one, and I was more than a little offended by your response. You have no right to make judgments on people, so please just back off and keep your comments to yourself, because you calling me "rude" or my friends that is not exactly what I need to hear when asking for advice.

 

Well next time, tell us all in advance what is you need to hear.

 

By the way, you sure do get yourself involved in your "friend's" problem/affairs. Doesn't sound healthy to me. Kinda weird. I stand by what I previously wrote back in APRIL (nothing like bumping up old threads). Blah blah blah.

[Tony T]

So it's been more than three months since your original post about your girlfriend and the guy she is/was seeing. She only sees guys for three months. So, has she surpassed her usual three-month limit with this guy? Are they still together or have they split up?

 

As far as JAG2, you'll be lots better off if you ignore people you feel are rude to you instead of engage them. This is just a message board, not the UN General Assembly.