Having Casual Sex with EX?

[melo]

I've been talking to my ex again after she broke up with me almost 3 months ago from our 2 year relationship. She said she needed space and time to do her own. She is still young being 21 and i can understand being in a serious relationship at that age is hard so i respect her decision.

 

I kept NC the whole time and only talked to her when she called. We always had fun conversations. Recently she has been coming over and we would have a great time being very comfortable with each other as if we were still together. These visits would always end up in passionate sex. Im trying to be content with this casual sex but on the other hand i dont want it to possibly ruin any chances of reconciliation. She now texts me and calls more often in spurts, and keeps it minimal other times. I get this hot and cold reaction from her.

 

Do you guys think this is because things are moving too quick? What should i do, i really feel we are moving in a good direction and we could possibly reconcile. I just dont want to mess up and say or do the wrong things.

[CaliGuy]

There's an old saying that goes "Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?"

 

She's getting her emotional and physical needs met by you while she's searching for a true relationship with someone else.

 

If you're happy meeting her needs while yours go unmet, please continue. If you have an ounce of self-respect, you'll cut her off.

 

And do I think things are moving too quickly? Yes. But you're way past that. You've already done many of the wrong things people do when they're desperate to rekindle a relationship.

[niceguy27]

Good advice. I was kind of pondering the same with my ex. Although we have not been intimate since we split, I know that in a heartbeat we could be if I pushed it a little bit. But when things are fragile like that (especially if your trying to have a future reconcilliation) I am thinking that I should NOT do it.

[quankanne]

ugh, sounds like a horrible idea when your heart's still involved. She might be having a hard time letting go because if you're her first serious boyfriend, she still could be giving the relationship – even though it's over – more emphasis than necessary because she just isn't sure how to end it and not leave serious casualties. Best thing to do is just completely walk away, because this kind of thing can fester and that's not good for either of you.

[oppath]

First off, there is no "right" way to bring back an ex, other than to keep your heart at a distance until they've crossed through hell and high water to earn your trust after breaking it. We can't give you a magic formula to make it happen.

 

I don't think having sex with her again is a sign that she is considering coming back to you. Reverse the situation. If you had a female friend who was hurt by a breakup, and a couple months later her ex was still sleeping with her, but not making it clear to her that he wanted her back, what would you say to her? Probably "drop that bag of bricks. He's just using you for sex. If he wanted to be with you he will be with you." Emotions aren't as black and white as that, but there is a great deal of truth to it.

 

You can

1. keep doing what you are doing, and it might bring her back
   
2. tell her you are only interested in sleeping with her in a dating context (it is ok to not feel the pressure of a relationship right now), and ask her what her intentions are; it might bring her back
   
3. who the hell knows.

There is no strategy for winning her back, and since she dumped you, she needs to win YOU back. Presumably, she is free to date and sleep with other people. Do you not feel at all belittled that she is free to do that, yet get her emotional and physical needs met by you, while you only want to be with her?

 

If a girl dumped me, she'd have to take me out (her pay!!!) on 5-6 dates before I'd be intimate with her. But I am STUBBORN, I admit that. Basically, it doesn't matter how you play your hand to her. Her coming back to you is mostly dependent on her. Either she is considering it, or she just doesn't know how to cut you off, and is keeping you in her life as she slowly detaches until one day, when she meets someone else she wants to **** and date at the same time, she'll drop you like a bag of bricks.

[melo]

Wow thank you for the responses. What if she is considering reconciliation and i do walk away. That is what makes walking away so difficult. I've been wanting to talk to her about what we've been doing and what our intentions were but im not sure if thats a good idea to bring it out on the table as it could push her away. I'm enjoying this sudden burst of attention im getting from her but im not sure if her intentions are 100 percent pure. Should i just let things happen naturally if im not ready to walk away? Should I play it cool and not look into this like I am, and wait to see if there is a possible chance of reconciliation?

[melo]

 

She's getting her emotional and physical needs met by you while she's searching for a true relationship with someone else.quote]

 

 

I'm not gonna lie. She is meeting my needs too hahaha. Apart of me wants to leave her alone and apart of me wants to know if this breakup is really what we need be together in a committed relationship.

[oppath]

It's a risk you'll have to take. I personally have never witnessed a friends with benefits relationship after a breakup leading to a reconciliation. I have witnessed two people break up, miss each other, talk it out, and resume dating. Myself: I hate the soft sell. I don't view relationships as business transactions, but if I want a relationship, I'm going to ask for a relationship. If a girl counters with **** buddies, I'm sorry, that is not what I want, so I am going to walk away. I want a relationship, you don't = end of transaction. I don't need a receipt, the transaction is over, but that is just me.

 

Again, there is no right thing to do here if your goal is to get her back. But don't mistake sleeping with her as a sign things are heading towards reconciliation. Don't be, to generalize, a girl, who by sleeping with a guy thinks he is automatically interested in a relationship with her. The sex means nothing.

 

Aside from sex and hanging out, how is she? Does she ever reference "YOU" as in, a couple? Does she talk about future plans? Has she flaked on you? Is she affectionate aside from the physical part, saying endearing things to you? Realize the risk you are taking is BIG. If you keep this up, and doesn't come back to you and in another month or two breaks things off to be with another guy, it is going to hurt 10 times worse than original breakup and you are going to feel used.

 

Personally, if a girl I broke up with offered me her vajayjay (thanks for the word SG) on a silver platter, and I knew she wanted more, I'd tell her "no." I know most guys wouldn't do this, but if I cared for someone, wouldn't I want them to heal and move on and find new relationships? Would sleeping with her honestly help that, or prevent it? I don't like passive or passive aggressive behavior, so if it were me, I'd say "what are your intentions with me? Are you considering reconciliation at all? If not, you need to know, sleeping with you is difficult for me. I haven't fully moved on and it is not helping with that, do you understand why?"

 

There are no right or wrong ways to get her back. Really, it is not in your hands. She either is considering it at this point, or she is not, and is just using you for the sex.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess the question is, is non-exclusive sex enough for you? If so, then by all means, keep it up...

 

If you're not satisfied with the crumbs from her table, you'll have to risk losing her to possibly get the entire banquet. On the other hand, not much risk if all you're getting is sex but no real caring.

 

How much do you value yourself, as a person who deserves respect?

[melo]

oppath, she always tells me she misses the things we did together. She told me a couple weeks ago how we are on such a different level than anyone else. She still tells me she loves me.

 

We both have this kind of understanding that she is coming over this weekend to stay with me. My birthday is also coming up and i want to see how far she goes to even please me. That to me may show me how much she really cares and if she wants to reconcile or not. May seem childish but its gonna happen regardless so i may as well observe. She has already asked me what i wanted to do that day (with her) like i didnt have any other plans already.

 

Let me note this, we lived together for pretty much 3/4 of our relationship and we had pictures of ourselves at my house. Before we broke up she would tell me to put our pictures away just for now as if she was telling me she would come back to me later when she is ready. I may be looking into this too much but I tell you right now i am really twisted and dont know how to approach this.

 

Do you think there is a chance that things can work out if I just sit back and let things flow naturally, or should i stop the intimate gatherings and sex, cold turkey? I have to admit when we hang out with each other that spark and flame is still there and i KNOW she recognizes that also.

[AriaIncognito]

There's an old saying that goes "Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?"

 

She's getting her emotional and physical needs met by you while she's searching for a true relationship with someone else.

 

If you're happy meeting her needs while yours go unmet, please continue. If you have an ounce of self-respect, you'll cut her off.

 

And do I think things are moving too quickly? Yes. But you're way past that. You've already done many of the wrong things people do when they're desperate to rekindle a relationship.

 

Ditto to what cali said. My ex did this exact thing. Continued to get what he needed from me until he found someone else willing to be with him. I never heard from him again. it's been 3.5 months.

[oppath]

oppath, she always tells me she misses the things we did together. She told me a couple weeks ago how we are on such a different level than anyone else. She still tells me she loves me.

 

We both have this kind of understanding that she is coming over this weekend to stay with me. My birthday is also coming up and i want to see how far she goes to even please me. That to me may show me how much she really cares and if she wants to reconcile or not. May seem childish but its gonna happen regardless so i may as well observe. She has already asked me what i wanted to do that day (with her) like i didnt have any other plans already.

 

Let me note this, we lived together for pretty much 3/4 of our relationship and we had pictures of ourselves at my house. Before we broke up she would tell me to put our pictures away just for now as if she was telling me she would come back to me later when she is ready. I may be looking into this too much but I tell you right now i am really twisted and dont know how to approach this.

 

Do you think there is a chance that things can work out if I just sit back and let things flow naturally, or should i stop the intimate gatherings and sex, cold turkey? I have to admit when we hang out with each other that spark and flame is still there and i KNOW she recognizes that also.

 

yes, there is a chance is could bring you back together, but you should never sleep with someone to get love and affection from them! I would chalk up her statements about a possible future when she broke up with you as her not being mature enough to make a clean break; she did like you and cared for you, and she didn't want to hurt your feelings, so she was letting you down easy, because she didn't know how to separate herself from you.

 

What you are doing is accepting a job for far more below your market value in hopes your employer will see what a good employee you are, and magically give you a raise! Yes, there is a chance, no one is refuting that, but you are basically asking us to read her mind for you.

 

I would say the probability of you getting back together and it working out is less than 20%. And that is an optimistic guess.

 

I guess you could wait until after your birthday and see what she does for you. But clearly you can't just be cool with the current situation. It is on your mind, and you want more. Sooner or later, you are going to have to bring it up.