When they come back...

[Tormented]

Tormented,

 

You gave it some thought, and you gave him a chance. You did that, I hope for yourself. If you know that you can never forgive and forget, you need to be selfish and start with someone who hasn't made this sort of stupid mistake.

 

Thank you, Daphne. I did give it a chance but the bottom line is...I can NOT forget or forgive him for what he did regardless of the feable excuses he's offered. He assured me several times that "it would never happen again." Problem I have with that? The fact that he HAS done it proves that he's capable of it and that's enough for me. I honestly don't think I could ever relax or feel secure with this man...not anymore, not like I did before the betrayal. And you're right - I did do it for myself as well. I HAD to find out if there was a chance for us - if I really could forgive him given enough time and assurance, but it proved futile. I guess the argument here could be that I didn't give it enough time. But you know, regardless of the opinions of others, YOU know YOURSELF better than anyone else and I know myself well enough to know my limits...lying and cheating is an act that I can NOT forgive. So, I've decided to stop lying to myself that I could live with this.

 

In turn, it will also be a huge wake up call for him that he can't expect to do this kind of thing again and get what he wants out of life. Maybe with some other girl, but not one that he had that kind of connection with.

 

I just recently found out that this seems to be a pattern for him. I'm not proud of this, isn't something I ordinarily do or condone, but I did a little snooping in his house and found letters written to him from ex-girlfriends who were clearly heartbroken because he had just dumped them out of the blue after making "forever" promises to them. He seems to view women as "temporary objects" for his amuzement, or so, it seems that way to me after reading these letters. I also found a dating club contract that cost him $1,200 to join...which he joined last April. Apparently, he gets a call from this club when a woman finds his pics and video interesting and a date is set up. He's also on Match.com, True.com, and tried e-Harmony. It was enough to turn my stomach. Again, I acknowledge that the snooping was wrong, but because of the high risk of reconciling with this man, and because he's given me reason to doubt his word, I stooped to this level to protect myself. And I'm glad I did!!

 

I wish you the best of luck with the new job opportunity. You've made the decision, hold your head up and embrace the future. You have no regrets now and it's all a new journey.

 

My job interview is set for Monday. My son and I took a drive out to this area (about 3.5 hours from where I now live) and I really liked the area. It's scary to start over (I'm not young), but sometimes a new start is necessary in life...regardless of age.

 

I am closing this chapter with the hope of beginning a new (and improved!) one.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I'm sorry and I'm glad for you, all at the same time Tormented. I do understand how difficult the decision can be. Chin up sweetie. You know you can find better, someone who you can once again put your faith into. ((hugs))

 

Trial...I SO much appreciate your support. You've been a constant support source for me on several occasions during my myriad of heartbreaks with this man. Thank you, my friend.

 

Rather than posting all that I found at my ex's house, please read the post I entered for Daphne. This man, I believe, is a chronic player (I say chronic because he's not young), and discovering this fact has really helped me to walk away from this without a shread of doubt.

 

I hurt, yes, but not for him. I mourne the life I THOUGHT we could have together...the picture he painted for me, as he has other women I now know. What I didn't mention in my post to Daphne is that he apparently cheated on his wife as well, this one he actually admitted to. Told me she was being "cold" towards him, never wanted to have sex with him, and even "flung his hand off" when he tried to touch her.

 

Of course, he was drinking heavily while he was married and was verbally abusive towards her. What men don't understand is when you abuse a woman (verbally or physically) she will become cold and aloof towars him, and will eventually "check out" of the relationship...starting on the emotional level. So, he used this as an excuse to cheat on her. Very rarely will he verbalize remourse for the cruel things he's done to people in the past...rather, he feels "justified." No, this is NOT a man I can spend my life with.

 

I'm at a cross-roads in my life right now and it's a bit scary...not to mention risky. But I can't stay here, this I know. Since the day my ex and I broke up, (a year ago), I feel as though my life has become stagnet...no color, no joy, and I'm doing nothing more than going through the motions while pretending that I'm happy, telling myself that SOMETHING will come along to bring joy in my life again.

 

Well, sometimes it doesn't just fall on your lap. Sometimes you've got to go out and find it.

 

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

 

But at least I can walk away from this chapter with my head up.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Listen to your heart! These are matters of the heart and trying to solve this with your head may lead to further confusion.

 

Hello, Shoot...thank you for your response. Much appreciated.

 

Well, in this case (with my ex) it IS my heart that fetched me so much pain with this man. Had I allowed my head (my logic) to take the wheel, perhaps I could have been saved the hell I've been through with him. I allowed my heart to do the thinking and decision-making, and what has that gotten me? A broken heart, deep pain, a betrayal and regrets. Sometimes, it's best to "check in" with your head.

 

You see, men are notorious for their penchant for a second chance. We often make decisions only to realize we were mistaken.

 

I do understand this, and in fact, men don't have a monopoly in making bad mistakes. We women partake in that as well. Just read the threads on this board for proof. I'm a big believer in giving second chances to those who've made a mistake. God knows I've made my fair share of mistakes in life and would hope that I'd be given a second chance to rectify my "wrong." But when the "deed" is repeated, or becomes chronic, then you've got to wash your hands of it and walk away.

 

For that very reason, I have chosen to do exactly that. I can not allow this man to continue breaking my heart...not if I hope to obtain my dignity and self-respect.

 

I vote for second chance, but keep your eyes open, go slowly, and be alert for any signs.

 

I did give it a serious stab at a second chance, but found several "signs" that this man is NOT genuine. What he says vs what I found contradict each other.

 

Time to walk.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

How far would the move take you?

 

About 180 miles away (3.5 hour drive). I'd say that was a "safe" distance, huh?

 

That revenge thing you speak of reminds me of my ex. Oye, he even said to me that he needed to ..."teach her a lesson". I remember as hurt as I was I looked at him like...'wow' I never wanted to see just how weak you are. He got his revenge I guess and she treated him in the same manner. He was astounded that I would not consider any relationship with him after that.

 

It's frightening to hear them talk about it, but more so, acknowledging that they're capable of it. When my ex told me his "revenge" stories (which usually involved women in his past), his tone would raise, his speech more rapid, and his facial expression would become tense. I'd find myself sitting there speechless. And the scary part? To this day he feels absolutely NO remourse for what he did. In fact, he felt justified for doing so, never saw himself as "wrong" for anything he's done. Including the assault on his father 6 years ago, putting his father in the hospital and doing time in jail as a result. How's THAT for sick???

 

Ha, I even sent her a thank you note. As sad as it was I just could not fathom catering to that mentality on any level.

 

Take a peek at the posts I entered for Daphne and Trial. All I've got to say is I feel very sorry for the next woman he gets involved with. I know the routine all too well! He'll come across as "genuine, fun, romantic, and stable." He'll tell her he's looking for his "life time mate." He'll paint a picture of long-term stability with possible marriage in the mix. She'll see herself as "lucky" to have found such a wonderful man. Her prayers are answered, by God! She'll tell her friends what a wonderful man he is, that she thinks he's "the one." She'll begin to entertain the fantasy of being his wife, perhaps even re-arranging her life to map it around him.

 

And then....he'll go "poof" without warning. Why? Because he met somebody else and the "newness" of it will be more exciting. Or because he got bored with her. Or because whatever "phase" he was in when he met her has now passed and she no longer "fits" his current need.

 

And to think it's taken me over a year to realize this!!! But in my defense...this guy is GOOD at what he does.

 

Could it be that your heart is confused also. Perhaps you just want to right a wrong...emotionally? Even if you give in to that it would be at the expense of your integrity and a possible alternative future.

 

You know, I've been in pain for a year now, since the breakup. I think I was looking for some kind of relieve from that pain and thought he could bring it. Perhaps I wanted to give him a chance to right his wrong...making me feel better in the process. Thing is, he can never right his wrong. It's impossible. What was done is done and there's nothing that can be done or said to take it back or erase the damage done.

 

But - it wasn't all a waste. My recent discovery of what this guy is truly capable of has turned my stomach and opened my eyes. I can now walk away from this and not look back. A new revelation for me, really. Rather than walking away from this heartbroken, I have gathered strength and it feels good.

 

When is the interview?

 

It's set for this coming Monday...and I'm a nervous wreck!

 

Undie, like Trial, you have been a constant source of support (and inspiration) for me and I want to thank you for seeing me through this. I stumbled, but I managed to pick myself up again with a newfound strength.

 

I hurt, yes, but I know I can make it now. It truly is over...and I mourne the memory of him, or should I say, of the man I THOUGHT he was and the life I THOUGHT we could have together.

 

It hurts to know that it wasn't real, never was, that I was in love with a phantom and a fake future.

 

~T~

[underpants]

Tor,

 

You are my hero.

 

I wish you the best on your interview.

 

A new place might be just what the doctor ordered.

 

I am glad you can see him for the person that he is and not the veneer of what he projects.

 

Now you can truely move on wiser, stronger and with no regrets. As an extra bonus you are showing your son an example of what a woman should never tolerate. Go Mom.

 

I feel good things are going to come you way now.

[jusified]

Hi to both T and Unders,

 

Does spending the rest of your life with this man sound good?? Will that make you happy??

 

Don't just go back because thats an option to not be single.

[Tormented]

I am glad you can see him for the person that he is and not the veneer of what he projects.

 

Yeah...but it took me a long time!

 

Oh hell...that's not entirely true. I think I've known for a long time what he really is but chose to bury my head in denial. Because if I acknowledged it, faced the glaring truth for what it was, I'd have no choice but to walk away. Instead, I made excuses. I fooled myself into thinking that perhaps I was wrong in my suspicions of him, that maybe he was truly sorry for what he did, that deep inside he loved me. I believe that he does love me on some level, but I also know this man is incapable of real love. Or, at least, the emotional attachment that nourishes and strengthens love. He hasn't the ability to attach, hence his long string of broken relationships. It is he who will end up alone and miserable in the end because men and women like this will continue through their lives looking for "the one," but will never find it because they refuse to acknowledge the problem lies within them. So sad...

 

Now you can truely move on wiser, stronger and with no regrets.

 

And that's a relief - to know I'll never feel the need to look back. Before this second time around, I was haunted with a lot of "what ifs." I no longer am. I now know I was right after the first time. Guess I had to learn the hard way.

 

I feel good things are going to come you way now.

 

Thank you, Undie. I certainly hope so....Lord, do I!

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Does spending the rest of your life with this man sound good?? Will that make you happy??

 

Well hello, Justified! So glad to see you are still here and I hope you're doing well.

 

This is one of many questions I asked myself before reaching my decision to leave. And the answer was a resounding NO. I knew I would never be happy with him. Would never feel free to relax or enjoy security. I'd always be bracing for the next crisis, the next heartbreak, the next lie or betrayal. I'd always feel like a cat with its back up...ready for the next assault on my heart.

 

Other questions I asked myself...

 

Do you respect him? No

Do you love him? Yes, but it has faded from what it once was.

Do you trust him? HELL NO.

Are you happy now that he's come back into your life? No, I feel anxiety and fear.

Do you feel you can rely on him? No.

Would you feel good about yourself if you went back to him? NO!

Do you like him? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

So why are you even contemplating a reconciliation with this man? Good question!

 

And with that, I decided to walk.

 

Don't just go back because thats an option to not be single.

 

You know, that's something I thought about. Am I going back to him because, even though he betrayed me and broke my heart, he's "familiar" to me and it's easier going back to "familiar" than to explore something "new" and "foreign" to me?

 

I think to a certain degree we are all guilty of that at some point in our lives. Face it, dating sucks. Going through the whole "getting to know you phase" can be awkward, and starting over with somebody new - especially after a hard breakup - doesn't exactly thrill the heartbroken. It takes time, energy, not to mention a huge risk to attempt building a relationship with somebody else.

 

And so, some of us take the easy way out...we go back to an ex that we KNOW is toxic for us.

 

Until we wake up and deal with reality, that is.

 

How have you been, Justified? Have you fully healed from you ex? Is there anybody new in your life?

 

~T~

[daphne]

Tor,

 

Wow, you've definitely found out something since the last post. How did you find out so quickly? It also sounds like you already had enough information to know what type of person he was considering his penchant for revenge with exes. Did he tell you that he cheated on his ex? Was that what he was justifying? Or you found out another way and he hinted around it?

 

There's definitely a reason you were afraid to go back. This guy sounds like he's broken and a really sorry person to have a relationship with.

 

This was very telling:

 

Do you respect him? No

Do you love him? Yes, but it has faded from what it once was.

Do you trust him? HELL NO.

Are you happy now that he's come back into your life? No, I feel anxiety and fear.

Do you feel you can rely on him? No.

Would you feel good about yourself if you went back to him? NO!

Do you like him? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 

I too am having difficulty getting back out there. Although the relationship was short, I do miss the attention and having found someone I had a lot in common with. THe thing we didn't have in common was the core of who we are, i.e. moral code.

 

I knew there was a sign when he went away on vacation and I started to relax. This was right before the breakup.

 

I personally have realized that I'd rather be alone and have rock solid friendships and enjoy my life, even if it means being lonely, than being in a relationship with someone who's toxic and being absolutely miserable.

 

I really hope you get the job. I think now that you see him for who he really was, you can let it go and start experiencing real joy now.