When they come back...

[Tormented]

The history between my ex and I is long and complex, stretching back to a year ago last August.

 

Quick summary - we were together for close to a year after being introduced by mutual friends. My ex and I had recently gone through a breakup when we met and were basically licking our wounds. We were good for each other back then, helping to dull the pain and speed up the healing process.

 

Although I healed quickly from my breakup, I wasn't entirely convinced that my ex was over his ex...although he was adamant that he was. As time went on he claimed that he loved me and wanted to build a life together. However, I was never really convinced that he was over her.

 

Okay....so time passes and we're doing great, although we did have some shaky periods and would decide to take brief breaks from each other. Then, in August of last year, I broke it off with him for reasons too long to list here but they were valid. Three weeks after the breakup he contacted me, we talked, he came over and spent the night after we agreed to take things "slowly."

 

Two days after this, I discovered that he had reconciled with the ex before me...the same woman who cheated on him, stole from him, and left him to marry the man she was cheating with. She left her husband and moved in with my ex. Needless to say, I was absolutely devastated which led me to this board a year ago. I have spent the last year trying to heal from this betrayal, and I don't know what I would have done without this community.

 

My ex kicked her out within a month that she moved in, stating that he realized what a mistake he had made, that he knew he no longer had feelings for her because he was in love with me. For a year now, he has attempted to contact me, to reconcile but I wouldn't have anything to do with him. Still, though...my love for him lingered and I continued to think about him but had no intention of acting on it.

 

I dated frequently but didn't have much luck finding a mate I was interested in. To be honest...I hate dating. Got tired of kissing a lot of toads in search for the "prince." I did meet two men that appeared promising, but for whatever reason it just didn't work.

 

Okay...so this brings us up to the present. My ex contacted me again and we have been seeing each other for about 3 weeks now. Once again, he has done everything under the sun to "prove" his love for me. I have to hand it to him, he really is trying. He said he wants to marry me, says he thinks we can have a good life together.

 

Problem?

 

I don't believe him. I just can NOT get my head around what he did a year ago and I have absolutely NO trust in him. He has been very patient with my trust issue and reluctance to enter another relationship with him, but he said that eventually I would have to learn to trust him again if we hope to build a life together. But I can't...no matter how hard I try, I just can NOT trust him and the anger of what he did back then still rages within me. Sometimes, I wonder if this man is even capable of love, if he even knows what love, REAL love, is. It's not the same between us anymore, not like it was before the betrayal and I don't know that it ever will be again. Sometimes, the damage done is too great to ever repair.

 

I love this man and found myself miserable without him. But now that he's back, I find myself miserable WITH him because of the anger and mistrust and I am very hesitant to take this risk. He's pushing for a life together but I'm dragging my feet...just can't seem to let my guard down.

 

I told him 2 days ago that I need some time and space to think about this, to figure out what I want to do. He has granted me this request and we agreed to talk about it on Friday. Problem is, I STILL don't know what I want...to try again or to permanently walk away.

 

I sure could use some sound advice from the members here, especially those who remember my story.

 

Shoud I risk another chance, or cut my losses and run like hell?

 

Help!!

 

~T~

[niceguy27]

That can be a hard hurdle to clear. You guys have had time apart to know what you want. If the feelings are still questionable with you, then you need to weigh out your options. Right now your not committed in any way and could walk if you wanted.

 

From what I read, it looks like you guys started talking AFTER he booted her out of his life for good. That alone may tell you how much he wants to be with you. I think if you guys take it slow and focus on the POSITIVE things of the relationship you may find that spark again.

 

Good luck. You may have here a second chance at being happy with someone you love very much. You just have to look and see if you can overlook those feelings and focus on the good things. Then go from there.

[Tormented]

That can be a hard hurdle to clear. You guys have had time apart to know what you want. If the feelings are still questionable with you, then you need to weigh out your options.

 

Thank you for your response, Nice. Yes, we have spent a year apart and you'd think we'd be completely over each other by now. But as he points out, we keep "gravitating" toward each other, even after all this time. I have spent 2 hair-splitting days weighing the pros and cons of risking another chance with him. I NEVER want to feel the incredible pain I did a year ago after his betrayal, just don't think I can make it through another round of that. It was pure hell and I never want to be in that place again. So, for me...this is a HUGE risk.

 

From what I read, it looks like you guys started talking AFTER he booted her out of his life for good. That alone may tell you how much he wants to be with you. I think if you guys take it slow and focus on the POSITIVE things of the relationship you may find that spark again.

 

That's exactly what he's saying, but in my mind it's easier for him than me. He wasn't the betrayed one, I was. He pledged his love for me back then and broke it. How am I to believe he's genuine this time? I know there's no guarantee that he won't break my heart again, but then, there's no guarantee in anything we do in life. But some chances are riskier than others and this one most certainly is.

 

Good luck. You may have here a second chance at being happy with someone you love very much. You just have to look and see if you can overlook those feelings and focus on the good things. Then go from there.

 

You're absolutely right...I know this but I just can NOT let go of what happened a year ago no matter how hard I struggle. This is a very difficult situation to be in right now. And to add to the fun, I've been invited to interview for a job that is offering me great pay. Problem is, it's in another county which means I would have to move quite a distance from here. If I accept the position, that's pretty much the end of my ex and I. It would be a chance to move away and begin a new life. Or, I could stay here and try to build a new one with my ex.

 

Oh hell...I don't know what to do!

 

~T~

[frd150]

Hello T,

 

I am /was depending on how you look at it in your mans shoes except that there was no other woman involved.

 

She left because the excitment in our relationship faded according to her. She struggled for a few months with her decision to up and leave but after being alone for a bit she said she was through. Ok, just so you know we never fought with or insulted each other. I love and care for her deeply but whats done is done.

 

She told me that I would never change that WE would continue to be an old married couple. Never tell me never. Yeah I was got into a rut but so did she. She never took the time to work on it. I was busting my a** to propose. I was working so hard to build a life for the two of us or at least a good foundation for one. You know what ? she was right. We were boring and I have changed everything. If we had just sat down and talked about it.

 

 

So for you.....

 

 

I ask ,have you given the two of you a fair shot and enough time to see if it will work ? Did you guys pick up where you left off? If you are going to make a go at it then you need to start from square one but as if it were a new relationship and do not overrly commit to anything until you both are sure . In your time apart did the two of you take the time to improve yourselves? Do not get stuck in the rut again or history will repeat itself.

 

If both of you have nothing new to offer then it would be best to move on to your new opportunity. You say you still love him but as you are aware love is a big part but not the only part of the equation.

 

 

When she first left me I would have done anything. I was irrational and I would have chased any bone she threw. Now My head is clear and if by any slim chance something were to happen I would approach it with a much more level head.

 

Make sure that he is coming from the right place and that its not desperation thats causing him to do all these nice things. Your worth more than seconds.

 

 

Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

Tormented, you know what I'm going to say. The guy's bad news. He rubberbands back and forth, while neglecting and abusing the primary relationship. You can do so much better than him. ((hugs))

 

Take the new job and start a new life.

[oppath]

If you are going to make a go at it then you need to start from square one but as if it were a new relationship and do not overrly commit to anything until you both are sure .

 

I agree you shouldn't recommit until you are sure, but I disagree you need to start from square one. You need to start where you left off: him betraying your trust and him earning it back. This isn't the same thing as holding something in the past that you've forgiven over his head all the time. Quite simply: he did betray you. He needs to know that he is in the doghouse for a long time and he needs to earn your trust back to obtain your love and commitment. The betrayal has not been worked through yet, which is why you can't start anew. You need to work through it FIRST, then forgive it, and then never hang it over his head, but until he has earned your affection and trust, this can't happen.

 

Aside from that, I agree with TBF, but both her and I are the types that don't believe in second chances. If you walked away from this sh*t, I'm not letting you come back. Perhaps that is too stubborn, but it would take a pretty good reason (such as my dad died and I needed to finish the bar exam) for the breakup for me to consider it. If you betrayed my trust at all, you are dead to me.

[daphne]

Tormented,

 

As jacked up as what your ex did to you, he clearly recognized that he made a mistake. Most guys aren't going to pursue you a year after when they don't have sincere feelings. Unfortunately, he was unwise in going back to his ex because he had unfinished business. He screwed up big time. But he's trying now.

 

That being said, I agree with oppath about him earning your trust. While on the one hand your ex is right, you do have to forgive him at some point, that time is not now. You forgive when you see consistent actions that he will never pull this nonsense on you again. Personally, I don't give people another chance to screw me over. Especially not in situations like your ex put you through. But something tells me that your ex is different. Again, it's rare for someone to keep pursuing that long when they had bird in hand. There are a lot of guys that would have stayed with the ex if they were rejected by the other ex.

 

It's up to you. If you truly know you'll never let it go, you have to move on. If there's room for doubt, you can see where things go and take it very slowly.

[tinke]

regardless of the whys to the situation, the fact is..he was with another woman...it is THEN that the dynamics had changed. it is difficult to go back to where one left off, because of this. when you are feeling betrayed and know there was another before you, it is very difficult to rid of the resentment or that hurt.

 

it took me a great length of time to allow myself to begin to gain that trust again, those feelings of hurt and resentment continued to resurface. finally, i had to decide was i going to try or cave in. i did fight off those ill feelings and focused on the positives (not always successful), it seems one cannot control the feelings another action brings. at times it would trigger the same emotions from the past betrayal.

eventually...he did leave again, and i relived the experience.

 

but of course, you must decide if you can ever fully forgive him, even if you love him.

i do understand your comment, now that you have him, you may not want him.

the dynamics are different. when you touch him now, you will know there was someone else, etc. these are the facts, so you will have to do some soul searching before you invest more time, commitment, as to your feelings about the relationship.

 

even if he changed, is this something you will be able to overcome?

what is your gut telling you?

[underpants]

Oh Tor,

 

Don't falter...you are my rock.

 

He did not value you enough. He was very weak.

 

I fear that he is still this way. You gut is screaming at you.

 

Perhaps the reason why you cannot find another romance is because you cannot fully put this one to rest?

 

Maybe you can find a way to forgive him but also realize that you deserve to have more from a partner and let him go?

 

I wish you the best Tor. I really do. I hope you find the clarity you need to make the best decision for you and for your future.

[Tormented]

I ask ,have you given the two of you a fair shot and enough time to see if it will work ? Did you guys pick up where you left off? If you are going to make a go at it then you need to start from square one but as if it were a new relationship and do not overrly commit to anything until you both are sure . In your time apart did the two of you take the time to improve yourselves? Do not get stuck in the rut again or history will repeat itself.

 

Falling into a rut has never been an issue for my ex and I. His betrayal, and my lack of trust as a result, is the problem at hand for us. So, the question becomes...what can he do to "prove" his genuiness in his claim that he feels remourse for what he did and has no intention of ever repeating it again.

 

Truth is, I don't know that he ever can, or that I'll ever completely believe him or trust him again. This is a huge hurdle to get over...one I'm not so sure I can handle.

 

As for giving it enough time, we've only been together for 3 weeks now - hardly enough to know for sure if this can work or not. And to make matter worse, I don't have the luxury of giving it a lot of time because I've been invited to interview for a job with generous pay. If I accept the position, I will have to move quite a distance away from here and that will basically be the end of my ex and I.

 

So...I'm left with a VERY hard decision to make. Stay with my ex and risk it, or go with the job and start a new life.

 

Right now, I kinda feel like I'm between a hard place and a rock!

 

~T~

[oppath]

I vote for new job and new life. The reason being: there are no closed doors with that decision. Every one you walk through is filled with opportunity. With the ex, you don't know what is behind some of the doors. They are all closed, though they are not all locked. There are possibilities behind them, but not all. Accept the job if you are interested, and tell you ex that he needs to move there too .

[Tormented]

Tormented, you know what I'm going to say. The guy's bad news. He rubberbands back and forth, while neglecting and abusing the primary relationship. You can do so much better than him. ((hugs))

 

Take the new job and start a new life.

 

Trial...you are one of the few here on this board that was around when I first landed here with my story. And you also know what a complete mess I was. So I'm listening to what you have to say in this matter.

 

His tendency to "rubberband" is a good description of his behavior - or, at least, his past behavior. We really haven't been together long enough this time around to determine if he's really changed or not. I honestly wish I had the time it will take to determine if he's genuine or not, but the fact is I've got to do what's best for me.

 

Problem is...I'm having a horrible time reaching a sound decision. I've talked to a few close friends about this, I've talked to my family, and I've received some good advice on this board. I think I'm going to take a long hike tomorrow to clear my mind and mull over all the good advice I've been given, weigh the pros and cons, and hopefully reach a decision.

 

This is a tough one...it really is.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

Oh Tor,

 

Don't falter...you are my rock.

 

You know, that's the crazy part about this situation. I've always stood strong in my belief that once the trust has been betrayed, there is no going back. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" has always been my motto. Yet, here I am - actually giving it serious thought to returning to a past love who betrayed me, who shattered my heart in a billion pieces, who now claims that he deeply regrets what he did and is asking for another chance...who, unfortunately, I still love, but don't trust. I've got a HUGE war raging within me right now and it's hell.

 

He did not value you enough. He was very weak.

 

Agreed.

 

 

I fear that he is still this way. You gut is screaming at you.

 

Yes, my gut IS screaming. It's my heart that's objecting to my gut's warning. But then, isn't that always the case?

 

Perhaps the reason why you cannot find another romance is because you cannot fully put this one to rest?

 

Yes, this is the most probable reason. What he did a year ago absolutely devastated me...did some major damage. For whatever reason, I just could NOT let it go, couldn't get my head around it no matter how hard I tried. It just kept haunting me. But now he's back and although it feels good to be with him again, it has also awakened my anger and pain. And boy - he hears about it on a daily basis!

 

Maybe you can find a way to forgive him but also realize that you deserve to have more from a partner and let him go?

 

Well, that just might be what happens here. No matter how deeply I feel for him, if I can't let this thing go, can't forget or forgive him, then it's best to walk away - permanently. There's no way a relationship can thrive under these circumstances.

 

I wish you the best Tor. I really do. I hope you find the clarity you need to make the best decision for you and for your future.

 

Thank you, Undie! I am not approaching this thing lightly because this is my life at stake here. As I stated to Trial...I plan to go for a long hike tomorrow and give this thing some soul-searching thought. He and I are suppose to talk about it this weekend sometime. Right now, I STILL don't have an answer.

 

~T~

[Trialbyfire]

Trial...you are one of the few here on this board that was around when I first landed here with my story. And you also know what a complete mess I was. So I'm listening to what you have to say in this matter.

 

His tendency to "rubberband" is a good description of his behavior - or, at least, his past behavior. We really haven't been together long enough this time around to determine if he's really changed or not. I honestly wish I had the time it will take to determine if he's genuine or not, but the fact is I've got to do what's best for me.

 

Problem is...I'm having a horrible time reaching a sound decision. I've talked to a few close friends about this, I've talked to my family, and I've received some good advice on this board. I think I'm going to take a long hike tomorrow to clear my mind and mull over all the good advice I've been given, weigh the pros and cons, and hopefully reach a decision.

 

This is a tough one...it really is.

 

~T~

A wise idea to clear your mind before making a decision of this nature. Only you can know where you want to go or not with this.

 

After my divorce, my cheating ex-H contacted me, wanting back. He had/has made some serious core changes through continuous therapy, so I took him back as a friend. Anything beyond friendship would have and will always be impossible. No matter what, I don't have it in me to ever trust him again and anyways, for me, the love was gone.

[Tormented]

regardless of the whys to the situation, the fact is..he was with another woman...it is THEN that the dynamics had changed. it is difficult to go back to where one left off, because of this. when you are feeling betrayed and know there was another before you, it is very difficult to rid of the resentment or that hurt.

 

Bingo! Everytime he touches me, everytime he hugs or kisses me, images of him doing the same with HER flashes through my brain. And at that point the anger hits and I just want to pull away...which I have a few times already. When he tells me he loves me, instead of feeling happy, I'm filled with anger because I don't believe him. If he truly loved me he wouldn't have betrayed me for her. Actions speak louder...his words mean nothing. And it does me no good to ask him questions because at this point, even if he told me the truth, I wouldn't believe him. It's hell, isn't it?

 

it took me a great length of time to allow myself to begin to gain that trust again, those feelings of hurt and resentment continued to resurface. finally, i had to decide was i going to try or cave in. i did fight off those ill feelings and focused on the positives (not always successful), it seems one cannot control the feelings another action brings. at times it would trigger the same emotions from the past betrayal.

eventually...he did leave again, and i relived the experience.

 

...and that's precisely my fear...that the same thing will happen again and all my blood, sweat and tears will be for nothing. If I had a guarantee that the past won't repeat itself, I'd give it a shot. But there are no guarantees, are there? And that's where the risk comes in....a HUGE risk at that.

 

but of course, you must decide if you can ever fully forgive him, even if you love him.

i do understand your comment, now that you have him, you may not want him.

the dynamics are different. when you touch him now, you will know there was someone else, etc. these are the facts, so you will have to do some soul searching before you invest more time, commitment, as to your feelings about the relationship.

 

Exactly...and to be honest, I don't know if I have it in me to deal with it, to reach a place of peace with him, of security and trust. I think that place was completely destroyed by his betrayal. But I'm not sure yet...there hasn't been enough time to find out.

 

even if he changed, is this something you will be able to overcome?

what is your gut telling you?

 

My gut is screaming to run...to save myself from further pain. However, my heart is telling me that he's genuine in his remourse and love for me and it would be a mistake to throw the towel in this early.

 

Right now, I'm leaning toward moving on to a new life.

 

But - there's still some doubt...

 

~T~

[Tormented]

As jacked up as what your ex did to you, he clearly recognized that he made a mistake. Most guys aren't going to pursue you a year after when they don't have sincere feelings. Unfortunately, he was unwise in going back to his ex because he had unfinished business. He screwed up big time. But he's trying now.

 

This is the reason he's offering for his betrayal, why he returned to her. He said what she did haunted him and he needed to get some answers, some closure. And he finally admitted that he wanted some revenge...and he certainly got that when he threw her out 4 weeks after she moved in. Problem is, this told me that his need for revenge was stronger than his love for me or he wouldn't have risked our relationship to gain the satisfaction of "evening the score." When I confronted him with this thought he fell silent. Guess there was nothing he could say in defense.

 

Yes, he is trying...that I'll give him. But it just may be a case of..."a little too late."

 

In cases like this, only time will tell. Problem is, I don't have the time.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

[quote name=oppath;1318451 Accept the job if you are interested' date=' and tell you ex that he needs to move there too .[/quote]

 

Not possible. He owns a home here, and is grounded in his job. So, if I choose to move, that's basically the end of us.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

After my divorce, my cheating ex-H contacted me, wanting back. He had/has made some serious core changes through continuous therapy, so I took him back as a friend. Anything beyond friendship would have and will always be impossible. No matter what, I don't have it in me to ever trust him again and anyways, for me, the love was gone.

 

I can certainly understand why you chose to walk away...for the same reason I'm struggling with. This is so crazy, really, because I've always preached that once a cheater, always a cheater...and I still believe that. So why I'm even bothering with this is beyond me. If I stuck to my guns, there wouldn't be a problem.

 

So, where the hell did my guns go???

 

~T~

[Trialbyfire]

I can certainly understand why you chose to walk away...for the same reason I'm struggling with. This is so crazy, really, because I've always preached that once a cheater, always a cheater...and I still believe that. So why I'm even bothering with this is beyond me. If I stuck to my guns, there wouldn't be a problem.

 

So, where the hell did my guns go???

 

~T~

You still have feelings for him but they're tempered by distrust and caution. When you go for your hike, think about respect. Do you respect him?

[tinke]

step back...from an objective viewpoint, it doesn't matter WHY he went back to her, it IS that he did! that is what will circle in your mind. it is difficult to justify why he touched her, etc. when he is presently touching you. it is simply that now, you know it did happen. that is the hurdle, no matter the circumstance, the outcome is the same...can you regain that unconditional love? trust?

 

do you believe in a higher power? sometimes when decisions become overwhelming, i find it calming to just let something/someone higher guide me.

why not go through with the interview, stop thinking so much of what decision to make, and go with it. your gut will guide you.

[underpants]

I see this so many times.

 

When faced with an opportunity...New job, possible move, new romance.

 

It seems like the Universe throws people a serious challange and a decision has to be made. A test.

 

I would advise going for the interview and taking the position if offered. You know what your past holds...this is a new opportunity. New is good.

 

How far would the move take you?

 

That revenge thing you speak of reminds me of my ex. Oye, he even said to me that he needed to ..."teach her a lesson". I remember as hurt as I was I looked at him like...'wow' I never wanted to see just how weak you are. He got his revenge I guess and she treated him in the same manner. He was astounded that I would not consider any relationship with him after that.

 

Ha, I even sent her a thank you note. As sad as it was I just could not fathom catering to that mentality on any level.

 

Could it be that your heart is confused also. Perhaps you just want to right a wrong...emotionally? Even if you give in to that it would be at the expense of your integrity and a possible alternative future.

 

When is the interview?

[Tormented]

Thank you, guys, for your support and advise...I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

 

I took a long hike today, just me and my dog, taking in the beauty around me and allowing my mind to roam. I thought about the night I met my ex. I thought about the fun we had, the long talks we've shared, the bond we built, the dreams we had...and I broke down and cried at those memories. Quite a few times, actually.

 

And then I thought about the bad times, too. The hurt, the lies, the disappointment...and of course, the ultimate betrayal.

 

Things he's said to me, the excuses he offered for the betrayal just aren't strong enough to win my heart and trust back.

 

Basically, I've been fooling myself with denial...trying hard to convince myself that with given time I'd learn to trust him again and we could ride off into the sunset for a happily-ever-after life together.

 

That's BS and I know it.

 

Truth is, if I returned to him I would be doing so at the cost of my own self-respect, my dignity. That's far too high of price to pay for a man who shattered my heart for his own selfish gain. A man that I've no doubt would do it again sometime down the road.

 

I don't believe a damn word he says now.

 

For instance, he left for the Northern Calif. coast area yesterday morning because he is battling his ex wife for child custody and had to be in court. He was suppose to drive back after he was done at court but he decided to stay overnight and visit with some friends (he grew up in this area and has a lot of connections there). He called me last night to tell me he was staying. Then this morning, I called him and asked when he'd be home. He said he was enroute towards home as we spoke but was bringing one of his friends back with him and that the friend will be staying overnight at his house and then drive back home tomorrow after 2pm. I was basically coolish toward him, said I'd talk to him later.

 

Why?

 

Because I didn't believe him. Perhaps he's telling the truth, perhaps not...but this is a prime example of WHY this relationship can't work. The damage has been done and I know...deep within my heart, I know that it's over. I can NEVER be the same again no matter how much work we put into it.

 

And so...I've had a long talk with God and asked him to guide me in this - to give me the right words to say when we do sit down to have our "talk," most likely sometime tomorrow.

 

And most likely, it will be our "last" talk.

 

I know it has to be done, but my stomach hurts and my heart feels heavy.

 

But at least I can walk away with my dignity intact, and my chin up.

 

~T~

[daphne]

Tormented,

 

You gave it some thought, and you gave him a chance. You did that, I hope for yourself. If you know that you can never forgive and forget, you need to be selfish and start with someone who hasn't made this sort of stupid mistake. In turn, it will also be a huge wake up call for him that he can't expect to do this kind of thing again and get what he wants out of life. Maybe with some other girl, but not one that he had that kind of connection with.

 

I wish you the best of luck with the new job opportunity. You've made the decision, hold your head up and embrace the future. You have no regrets now and it's all a new journey.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry and I'm glad for you, all at the same time Tormented. I do understand how difficult the decision can be. Chin up sweetie. You know you can find better, someone who you can once again put your faith into. ((hugs))

[Just Shoot Me]

Listen to your heart! These are matters of the heart and trying to solve this with your head may lead to further confusion.

 

You see, men are notorious for their penchant for a second chance. We often make decisions only to realize we were mistaken.

 

...don't believe it ?, just look at pro football. The ref makes a decision, but if challenged it is reviewed UNDER MUCH GREATER SCRUTINY and the players are given a second chance.

 

I vote for second chance, but keep your eyes open, go slowly, and be alert for any signs.