Why am I married & crushing for other men?

[azurelove]

Hi,

 

Ok, time to analyze me. I want to know the psychology behind why I keep having crushes on other guys. I've been married for 5 years and right now we aren't getting along very well. I'm starting to have obsessive thoughts about having a romantic relationship w/ his best friend (who has a longterm grlfriend) and I try to find ways to spend time with him alone and have succeeded. Sad thing is, we have a great time together, more so than with my husband right now. And because my husband trusts him alot, he sees no prob in us being alone together, which creates an ideal situation for my obsession to flourish.

 

So I yearn to keep spending more time w/ him because he's fun. It's not like I'd ever cheat, but I'm not sure why I keep having crushes on guys. It's ridiculous and drives me nuts. I would never tell anyone or act on it, but secretly in my fantasies I wonder.

 

In real life, I flirt harmlessly with him and wonder when/how I can physically touch him next either through greeting hugs, wrestling, or grabbing his arm to get his attention. I always try to sit next to him in groups. I think about him all the time. It's ridiculous and I can't figure out why it's happening. And he has no clue, nor does anyone else. He just calls me a flirt.

 

Before him it was another guy at a tanning salon. So of course I found myself going from sweats and no makeup to tiny outfits and a pretty makeup face. I would get excited when his car was in the parking lot.

 

help figure this out please! is this linked to my strained relation w/ my dad, my marital issues, is it an empowerment issue, is it normal for people sometimes, what's up??

[lovelorcet]

Maybe you should have a talk with your husband, you said things are not going well right now so what are YOU doing to change that?

 

And can you please explain to me how obsessing over this other guy if going to make your marriage a better place?

 

You need to cut contact with this guy and get a grip on yourself. Do not overestimate yourself you are well on your way to affairyland and it won't take much to push you over the edge.

 

You are standing at a cross roads right now and you can either choose to at least try and salvage your marriage or you can give into your selfish obsession and destroy and hurt many people. In the end is boils down to the type of person you are...

[azurelove]

like I said, I would never tell anyone or act on it so I'm not going to make anyone awkward and tell them I feel this way.

[Ocean-Blue]

like I said, I would never tell anyone or act on it so I'm not going to make anyone awkward and tell them I feel this way.

 

And yet you say you look forward to hugging him, wrestling with him., etc. (basically any form of physical contact). What if he were to suddenly pull you into his arms and lay a passionate kiss on you? What then? From what you've said, it seems that you are more likely to stay in his arms locking lips than tear yourself away and honour the reality that you are a married woman.

 

Perhaps you should stop spending time with this man. Actually, not perhaps, DO IT ASAP! STAY AWAY FROM THE HOT FRIEND!!!!!

 

Then you need to figure out WHY it is that your romantic gaze is focused on men other than your husband?

 

I'm not saying that being in a monogamous relationship automatically means one must be alarmed at any attraction to other people...but what you say sounds like there is something you are lacking, something you need that your marriage clearly isn't giving you at the moment.

 

Ask yourself this: am I attracted to my husband? If the answer is no, were you ever attracted to him? Are you in love with him? Were you ever in love with him. How long have you been crushing on other men? Was there a trigger or did it just happen over time?

 

You need to talk to your husband and figure this out before you do something you'll regret.

[VIP]

Imagine that you went all the way and had sex with him. What's next? He is a stranger to you, you don't know him, he doesn't know you. There is no intention to get involved into a serious relationship for either one of you. So there was this connection that didn't mean anything, you feel more distant from him than ever before. The result of all this is a feeling of emptiness. Is it worth it?

[whichwayisup]

Crushes are supposed to be harmless and fun. What you are experiencing is a need that is NOT being met by your husband. Fix the issues and problems with your husband, try to recapture what it was that brought you two (your husband and you!!) together in the first place.

 

You are wasting energy and fantasizing about someone else, and that is NOT a crush, it's the start of allowing yourself to have feelings for someone else other than your husband.

 

Crushes are stolen little glances, that quickly put a smile on one's face, makes ya feel good IN the moment, then it's forgotten about it. What you are doing is running with what is supposed to be a fun little crush and making it into something MORE because things are not okay at home with your husband.

[Cad Rake]

What you are experiencing is a need that is NOT being met by your husband.

 

Egggzactly!

[Cobra_X30]

like I said, I would never tell anyone or act on it so I'm not going to make anyone awkward and tell them I feel this way.

 

There could be any number of reasons for this. Basically, you focusing on other men is going to cause a romantic withdrawl from your marriage. When you stop putting into it... so will he. Its going to make things even worse in the end.

 

So there are some questions you need to begin asking yourself.

 

1. What kind of things would you like to see from your husband? Example.... you want him to be more romantic, or clean more.

2. Are you harboring any kind of resentment or anger towards your husband?

3. How does your husband make you feel when the two of you are together?

 

Whichwayisup, Could you find the links to some of the other ladies going through this? Like EY, Ookla, or Mustang? and post them here for Azure.

[azurelove]

wow I am SO glad I posted on this board. everyone is very insightful and you're really making me think about this more objectively.

 

first, the guy I'm crushing on will never find out because he's been one of my best friends for years and I wouldn't ever ruin that. i enjoy his company alot. i think what's going on is what u r saying - he's making up for what hubby is lacking - which is having fun and paying attn to me, more than hubby is.

 

second, he (the guy i crush on right now) would never make a move on me. he is extremely loyal to my hubby and his longterm girlfriend. this isn't a two-way crush at all. he has no idea. he isn't attracted to me. and either have any of the other guys that I've had crushes on.

 

ocean-blue: i feel less attracted to my husband right now. he's gained alot of wt, he doesn't care to go to the gym with me, he's always tired, never wants to go party with me and the friend(s), he works very long hours when his shift ends like 4-5 hrs earlier, etc.

 

cobra_x30: i am harboring resentment right now to hubby because of the reasons listed above (ocean-blue list). i've begged and argued w/ hubby on these issues for yrs and he never changes. i've tried to compromise or just accept it, but obviously i am unhappy and experience these weird behaviors of having crushes on other guys. Maybe it's because I enjoy their company more than hubby now?

 

vip: ew, sex isn't what is interesting me in other guys. it's more of the challenge of flirting and maybe getting them to be interested back i think. hubby and i have a great sex life if he isn't sleeping or watching tv or working long hrs.

 

whichwayisup: i think u r exactly right too

 

keep your opinions coming, they are excellent!

[redfathom]

Well, I am sure he never wants to go party or to the gym because he is tired like you said from long hours of work. I think you should respect that. I am also sure you are having issues because you seem critical and I am sure voiced how unhappy you are about the issues you stated with him and he knows this so there is tension. Guys need to feel like they are everything to you, compliment him a lot. If you can reach something, ask him to help you anyways, have him open jars for you even if you can, etc. Remind him that you need him.

 

One thing you need to remember is that is this other guy and your H are best friends I am sure they talk about you and your relationship with your H. I am sure this other guy knows you are both unhappy and I hope that would make him even more loyal to your H.

 

I think you should avoid him. Marriage Busters talks about the Love Bank and it tells couples that they need to make deposits every day, and avoid withdrawls. The problem is if you are depositing love tokens into this other guy then you arn't deposting them in your H's bank.

 

I intentionally TRY to avoid friendships with men for the reasons you stated, I have to admit though there is this guy I am slightly crushing on (so I can relate) I just met who I see twice a week, (he is my ice dancing teacher, so haha, he might be gay, I hope) he acts like he is into me and now I am getting to the point where it is time to pull out. Unless he is gay then we are all good.

 

It's hard when you have needs that your H can't/isnt meet/ing and then someone comes along who makes you feel special, you get butterflies and excited when you know you will see them, etc. But you have to stop and think about your M and if that means denying your self a drug of sorts then you need to do it.

 

Goodluck.

[love necessity]

He just calls me a flirt

 

Your husbands friend calls you a flirt and hasn't told your hub about you flirting w/him?

 

Does your husband know that you flirt w/him?

 

I'm a little confused, because you said that you H's friend calls you a flirt, yet you stated that no one knows about you flirting.

 

Could you please just explain whether or not your H's friend knows you flirt and if your H knows about it..

 

Thank you..

 

I don't think "flirting" or having fantasies about other men is "abnormal"...

 

Men have fantasies about other women...

 

I also think it's normal to want to look attractive for the opposite sex..

 

It's in our nature to want to look good to other people.

 

However, in your situation, when you say that you want to find other ways to rub your H's bf body or hug him or whatever, now that is taking fantasy to reality...

 

I think maybe you should seek counseling about this, especially if you want to stay w/ your hub. Because you know that if you cheat, and he finds out, then there is that possibility that he will leave you...

 

Plus you don't want to cheat and have that eating you from the inside out if you don't tell him...

 

I think what you are going through may have something to do with how your hub treats you, too...

 

Does he please you in bed?

 

Is he rejecting sex?

 

Is the communication open in the relationship?

 

I think maybe you and your hubby could benefit from marriage counseling.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Trialbyfire]

You also need to put yourself in your husband's shoes. How would you feel if he were obsessed with your best friend? Is your husband not meeting your needs or did you get married for all the wrong reasons? If you need the excitement of flirting and touching other men, you might want to review your commitment to your marriage.

 

Someone new is always more exciting than someone you take for granted. While I have no issues with non-intent flirting because it can be fun, you've crossed the line within your mind.

 

Best to address your issues with your husband directly with him, instead of using a band-aid solution. You're avoiding the real issues. Very cowardly of you.

[norajane]

first, the guy I'm crushing on will never find out because he's been one of my best friends for years and I wouldn't ever ruin that. i enjoy his company alot

 

Oh, he knows you have a crush on him. You're sitting next to him every chance you get, you're wrestling with him (? ), you're grabbing his arm and touching him every chance you get. He knows.

ew, sex isn't what is interesting me in other guys. it's more of the challenge of flirting and maybe getting them to be interested back i think. hubby and i have a great sex life if he isn't sleeping or watching tv or working long hrs.

 

You are seeking validation from other men to show yourself that you are still attractive to men.

 

And it sounds like you've given up on making things better with your husband, so these crushes are the little band-aid that gets you through the day. Looking forward to spending time with these guys is the excitement that gets you through - you need it because it's easier to escape into fantasy than to deal with your problems head on.

 

Been there, done that, that's how I know.

 

And because I've been there, I know how it ends if you don't start changing things with your husband - your marriage will end. Because it doesn't get any better unless both of you are working to fix things.

 

Tell your husband that your marriage is in trouble. Tell him that you've started being attracted to other men because you miss the attention and affection and romance in your marriage. Tell him you're going to start going to marriage counseling on your own, even if he doesn't want to go with you, because something has to change or you fear you are on your way to divorce. A marriage cannot survive if you've both checked out in your own ways. MAKE your husband see that your marriage is in more serious trouble than he thinks, and more serious trouble than maybe even you think.

[bish]

azurelove....why are you crushing on other men and wanting to bone his best friend.

 

Easy...you are fickle and not fitting of a long-standing relationship.

 

So why exactly are you married?

[bish]

like I said, I would never tell anyone or act on it

 

I think this is where you are wrong...if the perfect situation arose, your type WILL act on it...especially if you think you will never get caught.

[love necessity]

If you are crushing on his bestfriend, does that mean all of his other friends have been a target of your flirting? If I were you, I'd seriously stop spending so much time w/ his bestfriend...I think that's wrong anyway...You spending hours on end w/ his bf is just flat out dirty...Don't you have other things to do..e.g. your own friends, schoolwork, hobbies? I'm surprised your boyfriend hasn't said anything about this, because from the sounds of your situation, it seems like you spend a great deal of your leisure time w/ him...Also azurelove, don't be fooled...If your H's bf is serious w/ his gf like you say, then I'm sure he is telling your hub, his bf, what you have been up too...Don't forget that it is his bf...If end up sleeping w/ this guy or something or end up making a move..You will lose a friend and a hub, so I would seriously start thinking about the relationships you are putting in jeopardy..

 

Also, chances are if you are unhappy w/ your bestfriend, you will def. not be happy w/ his bestfriend....If they are bestfriend, then they must have some things in common...I'm not saying that they act and think the same, but why go from Bart to Ernie? That wouldn't really be smartest thing, especially if you are trying to get away from how your Hub acts or how he thinks...

 

I hope this made some sense?

 

Good luck

[azurelove]

So, it's been an interesting correlation between how happy I feel in my marriage to how intense of a crush I feel for his best friend. Since hubby and I have talked a little bit about our relationship and seemed to resolve a teeny tiny part of our problems, I am liking his best friend less. Another issue is that when I hang out alone with his best friend, even though it's nonsexual or intimate, it's causing me to feel guilty. Then when I hang out with his girlfriend, I feel like she knows or that I'm hiding something from her. It's just making things awkward. So I've been backing off from the flirting and my obsession with him has stopped. I realize that there is so much at stake and that it isn't worth ruining the marriage, my friendship with him and his girl, as well as the ripple effect by all the friends that are intertwined between us. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him either!

 

norajane: interesting idea of the band-aid, wow I totally agree - I think that's what is going on.

 

love necessity: husband does know. we all go out together and everyone can see in plain view what is going on. but everyone is being playful and having fun. his friend knows I flirt, but he does NOT know I have/had a crush on him - there's a difference. and my hubby and his best friend are completely different people in all aspects.

 

trialbyfire: we had an amazing perfect relationship when we married. we met our needs, everything was great. but over time, we've respected each other less with how we talk and behave to each other, and our personalities have changed. i feel like I've become younger at heart and peppier, and he's become more of an old grumpy goat about things.

 

i guess we are going through a growing pain in our marriage and yes, it sounds like crushing on other guys is a band-aid to fill the void where hubby lacks (excitement, interest, etc.)...