DazedandConfused66 Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Hey LB and all! LB, almost done my dear. I so want this phase of your treatment to pass for you. The last couple were very rough on my wife and I feel great empathy for you. But I'm equally excited that you are almost done with the harshest of the treatment. Good luck! Oh, an interesting article I read about an experimental research process that could allow them to one day "blast" cancer cells inside the body. Kinda cool given that this process, if it works, would take the battle directly to the cancer cells and minimize the need for systemic and surgical treatments used today. http://www.engadget.com/2008/01/28/researchers-tout-nano-explosives-ability-to-blast-cancer-cells/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted January 29, 2008 Author Share Posted January 29, 2008 That nano technology stuff seems so far out, but it truly is right around the corner. I hope that one day it will be the thing that makes treatments like the ones your wife and I, and countless others have gone through seem barbaric in comparison. Yes, almost done... I am so ready to get this over with. I have my next surgical consult at the end of Feb. and if there is still DCIS or IDC floating around in there even after all this chemo I will go ahead and request the bilat mastectomy. I am ready for that emotionally and mentally. I have given it a lot of thought. I would gladly have my boobs cut off if it means never going through this again. Its funny. Since I have started chemo the three family members I have that smoke have quit. The way they see it (and me too) if chemo is bad enough that you would be willing to cut off parts of your body to avoid having to do it again then certainly its not worth it to flirt with stuff that can cause cancer and win you a trip to the chemo circus. I can cut my boobs off, but they can't very well cut their lungs out. I am glad they quit, and glad that this experience has helped in that way. Today brings me bone pain and hot flashes. I took my last shot in this cycle of Neupogen yesterday and I usually get a day or two of really bad bone pain following. The chemopause is causing the hot flashes. Nasty stuff, those hot flashes - I wonder if the Tamoxifen will contribute to that as well. I can honestly say I won't miss my periods, but I wasn't really anticipating menopause this early. Oh well, at least it will lessen my chances of recurrence if I keep my boobs (which I'm hoping at this point I won't - I just want them gone at this point). I am already looking forward to no more bras. Shirts that actually fit. Being able to wear a bathing suit without feeling conspicuous (after losing this damned chemo weight, of course ). I will be able to run again. No more back pain. I see only positives about it. I don't have even the slightest negative feelings about a bilat. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Wow, I admire you so much, LB. You really walk the walk. Hey - thanks for that meez site! I put one up in my avvie as a sign of solidarity, like serial muse. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 I wonder if the Tamoxifen will contribute to that as well. I can honestly say I won't miss my periods, but I wasn't really anticipating menopause this early. My friend is still on Tamoxifen and she gets hot flashes, at times has trouble staying asleep and (she likes it though!) her voice got abit lower. Very sexy actually.. Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Today brings me bone pain and hot flashes. I took my last shot in this cycle of Neupogen yesterday and I usually get a day or two of really bad bone pain following. The chemopause is causing the hot flashes. Nasty stuff, those hot flashes - I wonder if the Tamoxifen will contribute to that as well. I can honestly say I won't miss my periods, but I wasn't really anticipating menopause this early. Oh well, at least it will lessen my chances of recurrence if I keep my boobs (which I'm hoping at this point I won't - I just want them gone at this point). Bone pain, particularly long-bone pain, and "chemopause" were my wife's two biggest side-effects that continued for several months after chemo treatments finished. The joint pain has lessened now, but since she's started Tamoxifen, she's basically in chemically-induced menopause now. And there are a few other side effects from that....didn't realize, for example, that Tamoxifen actually makes your hair thin, which retards growth even further post chemo/radiation. But she's happy to have a warm head again...it's like -4 F outside right now tonight in Chi-town, so even Fabio would have a cold head I think. I'm thrilled to hear about your family members reactions to your cancer. Everything happens for a reason LB. I really do believe that. I'll be thinking about you in the weeks to come....can't wait for you to hit the upslope soon! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I know you had your 2nd last treatment recently, how are you feeling? Hey - ONE MORE, then chemo's done! Whoo hoo! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Yes, I had #5 yesterday. I was dreading it. I cried the night before. exH and I had a long, long, tearful talk about the demise of our marriage that night. Talked a lot of things out. I guess the timing was just right. We had a spat that early evening, and we always talk it out. That talking led to more talking and so on. We talked about us, the relationship I had at the end of our marriage which I am still having on again off again problems. After talking to exH though I am finding it easier to let go. We cried a lot. It was bittersweet. Cathartic. The treatment itself was something I was dreading. My blood cell counts were ok. My red blood cells are low - not low enough for a transfusion but low enough that I get really tired really easily. The hospital visit was ok. I got the "good" room with the shower and the bathroom. I love that room. The others are ok, just no shower or bathroom. I felt sick going into it, but I had taken this new medication which zaps the nausea and urge to throw up so it was all good. I slept through nearly all the treatment. I have a psychological thing now where if I even think about the chemo, I get this 'throw up' feeling in the back of my throat. I did not get sick though. Not last night, not this morning. This stuff really works. Thank goodness for Medicaid, because I would not be able to afford this stuff I'm on otherwise. It is the best I've found - its called Emend, and it really works. Unfortunately it is over a hundred dollars a tablet, and most insurance companies won't cover it. Medicaid does though. Thankfully! Last night I looked dreadful when I got home though. I looked like Data from Star Trek Next Generation. A pale yellow. I am usually very pink. My daughter came home from Tae Kwon Do and saw me and she said.. "Mom! (really happily), and then her face changed... "you look... bad." And she came over to me on the bed and put her arms around me and started to cry. I told her that this treatment and the next are going to be really bad and make me look really bad. I already have sores all over me, and permanently bloodshot eyes - and seeing this pale color was too much for her. She asked if the treatments were going to be bad enough for me to die. I told her no, but to expect me to look like this for a few more weeks. She was delighted to see my color has come back a little this morning. Today I am able to eat ok. Cereal for breakfast, cucumbers and celery for lunch, a hot tea with lemon. I can't really drink anything without lemon anymore because of the taste issue, but I really like lemon in water and tea so its no biggie. Today is the start of my round of shots. Those aren't so bad. Mostly the bone pain and the mouth sores. I can deal with that, or at least to the extent that its better than the nausea and vomiting. I will be in and out of bed today, but I actually don't feel anywhere near as bad as I was expecting. Just tired and drained. I am so glad that this part of it is almost over. Edited February 13, 2008 by LucreziaBorgia Link to post Share on other sites
openingup Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Whew. Please rest and think positively. You have a lot on your plate right now . . . Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Just checking in..... Wow LB, almost done now. I'm so sorry the treatments only get worse as time progresses, but that's a fact of life. You've made it this far and are almost done now so just focus on the prize of walking out that treatment center door for the last time. Only good news to report on my wife here. She just got symmetry work done (sounds like a body shop lol) this past week to nip and tuck things and make her two boobs look equal. She's very sore but is happy that, other than nipple grafting and the tattoo part, she's done. 7 surgeries/surgical procedures in 18 months is very hard on the body. Plus chemo and radiation on top of all of those. She's been an absolute trooper and I'm in awe of her. In spite of the seriousness of your post, I kinda chuckled over the "Data" comment. Trekkie references are always good for a smile. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 The checkered flag is in sight, LB. Keep your eye on the prize! Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 *Wow* Deep breath. When nothing else works in my life as a reality touchstone, This thread, your thread LB, does it everytime. May every blessing I, and your gang here at LS, can conjure, flow your way....... :love::love::love::love::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::love::love::love::love::love: Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 LB my prayers are with you... To those with achy breaky hearts this thread should give you some perspective on what is important in life.... You'll pull through LB. The pain we've felt though heartbreak can not compare to what you're going through and we know you'll pull through just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2008 Author Share Posted February 18, 2008 I keep telling myself... only five more chemo weeks now to go. My next chemo date is March 4th. Then a couple of hell weeks after that, and the chemo part is done. The next surgery will likely be the end of March, early April. One day at a time... Even now, I still can't believe this is happening. In some ways it has become such a mundane part of my life, and others it is like... WTF?! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 LB, I thank God for this thread. As I look around me and see my whole world falling apart I come visit your thread and realize I still have a lot to be thankful for. You really are an inspiration. I laughed at the trekkie remark, too:) Keep on keepin' on. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, WF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Just a small update: Tomorrow I go in for my surgical consult. I have decided to request a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction. March 4th is my last chemo session. I am so ready to have this over. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 March 4th is my last chemo session. I am so ready to have this over. YAY! Less than a week away! GO GO GO!!!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Just a small update: Tomorrow I go in for my surgical consult. I have decided to request a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction. March 4th is my last chemo session. I am so ready to have this over. LB, just curious--with no reconstruction, will you just dress every day as you are, or wear a bra with a prosthesis? I always wonder what I would have to do in that case. Are you not reconstructing because of what they say about implants and mammagrams not reading nodules (cancers) correctly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 I have a couple of reasons for wanting the bilat with no reconstruction. First and foremost, after talking with my mother's family some I found out that not only did two of my grandmother's sisters die from breast cancer, but that it goes back for generations. I don't want to live the rest of my life holding my breath or living from mammogram to mammogram. As for not wanting implants, I just don't want to deal with the hassle of multiple surgeries, and I just don't want implants inside me. I have spent years of my life saddled with big boobs, and I'm ready to live the rest of my life without them. I also have a financial issue as well. My Medicaid runs out in November. I will not be able to get health insurance. Everything that has to be done needs to be done before November. Once it runs out, I will not be able to afford the followup appointments (twice yearly mammograms) or medications (five years of Tamoxifen), even if I were to make a large salary. Bottom line, I guess is that I'm just done with this. I don't want anymore of this. No radiation, no followups (at least not as many as I would need if I keep my breasts), no more pills, nada. If I get this surgery, I am done. I will be able to heal up, and then get on with my life and put this behind me. I have to say I'm looking forward to it: No more bras. I will be able to jog and get back into sports. I will be able to wear cute little tops and have them fit. No more back pain. If I want the 'look' of boobs, I can wear a prosthesis. I am not concerned about how it will look. I would have to say that it is the absolute least of my worries. I feel pretty settled and satisfied with who I am and don't really care about stuff like that anymore. I guess if I were younger (in my twenties), single and just starting out I might have a different perspective but at this point I just see this as liberating more than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I'm so proud of you LB. You've handled this whole chemo thing amazingly and yeh I know you've had some real low and rough times, but you've kept your humour, and your head in the game so well. I commend you and am in awe of your strength! You're truly a special woman! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 If I want the 'look' of boobs, I can wear a prosthesis. You could have fun with that...Alot of fun. Being different sizes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Ok, I had my consult! I go in for bloodwork on March 27th, and will have my bilateral mastectomy early April (pending bloodwork). My surgeon was supportive and was not at all trying to talk me out of it. He set me up for genetic counseling because given my strong family history, it is apparent that I am carrying the BRCA genes. If the probability of carrying the genes is high enough, I will get the actual BRCA testing. My recurrence rate is much higher if I carry these genes, so my surgeon and I both feel this is the best choice for me. If I carry the genes, it won't matter for me anymore since I won't have breasts, but it will be helpful to know for my daughter's sake. I am sooooooooooooooooo excited! This can all be over as early as the beginning of May. No radiation, no medication, nada - it will be DONE. Link to post Share on other sites
openingup Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Fantastic, LB! I understand and support completely your reasons for this surgery. Being in a constant state of stress and anxiety is no way to live. True about the stage of life being a consideration - I'm 40 and don't have as strong an imperative to look a certain way as I did when I was younger. All the best dealing with the wait until this is all over - stay positive! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi LB... I just wanted to pass along my love ... I still read your thread all the time and think of you often... It nice to hear good news posted...... Stay positive and know that we all send our good vibes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 Today is the last chemo! What a mixed bag of feelings. On one hand I dread it because it will be brutal. On the other hand it will be my last time. Then it will simply be a countdown to the surgery, which I am really looking forward to (well, looking forward to it being over and done with that is). I am actually ready to get back to work. I will be getting some new clothes, shoes and head wraps and am ready to get back to living. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Great job, LB. You've made it through and I am so proud of you. Like whichway said, you've somehow kept it all together and have even been there for others when you yourself have gone through so much. Best of luck today and on the 27th. Hugs, WF Link to post Share on other sites
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