I have breast cancer

[coco_milkshake]

LB,

You MUST write that book.

 

I agree with Marlena. Please write your book.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just posted this on my blog:

 

I think the cover should be a bald tattooed woman with a piercings wearing a shredded pink 'survivor' shirt held together with safety pins. Her surgery scars will be visible through the shreds. Should I sneak my Xbox controller in there? What do you think?

 

I could call it... "Do Women Like Me Get Breast Cancer?"

 

Right now, I'm attempting some humor. I've always had that. Sometimes it is a hard, bitter humor. But, its humor. That's something, I guess.

[Kasan]

I am a low income single mother approaching forty. Now I am a low income single mother pushing forty who is undergoing cancer treatments for a year. I was undatable before. Now I am untouchable. People will not be able to even look at me in the grocery store without looking away embarrassed. I will look sick, people will see that I look sick, and no man - unless he likes hanging around the chemo ward to pick up chicks is going to look at me, period. When I do get out of recovery a year from now, I will be a low income single mother pushing forty who had cancer that will probably come back. I will be older, fatter (breast cancer chemo makes you gain weight regardless of how much or little you eat), menopausal (forced by the medication), my hair will grow back grey and curly.

 

The way I see it, my love life is over. I might find someone who will f*ck me every now and again, but no one is ever going to want me for keeps. People will say, 'oh, you'll find someone' - but you know what? That doesn't always happen, and its especially not likely to happen in my case. Why would any man want me, when there are younger, healthier, more attractive, and less baggage women out there? I can see becoming this way over time and having a man want to stay with me regardless, but what man is going to walk into this? No one. I don't even know if I would trust any man who would. I would assume if he is after me, he was rejected by every other available woman, and I would be a last ditch effort in an attempt to get himself laid.

 

I am glad that you realize that this is a rant. Coz, I don't believe it for one minute!

 

There are men out there, good men, who could and would look past this and cherish you for the woman that you are.

 

You will simply need a fearless man (to match you)...a man that will mirror your strength, honesty, and compassion. He will have integrity, the ability to commit, and to stay when the going gets tough.

 

I believe this man will be da*n lucky to be with you LB, and settling for anything less will be just what it is....settling.

 

As for the rest....I don't really know LB. I have always had highly creative, artistic people in my life and I know that a lot of people just don't get them.

 

But I do know this...the ability to find beauty in the ordinary is a gift, whether it is the ability to paint, throw pots, or write...and when I am troubled I go look for that beauty.

 

One day at a time LB.

[serial muse]

LB, I wish I could offer more than some electrons on a screen, too. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in, but if it helps in any way - you're pure gold.

 

You've helped a lot of people on here with your words...maybe it's a lot to ask for you to write a book, and to give even more. But - especially if it also helps you too, in the process - I hope you'll consider it. I think it'd be great.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is really great to see these posts. It really helps.

 

I am so ashamed of myself right now. Last night, when he got home he called me to let me know he got home ok. He always does that. So, as I'm talking to him, I am asking him if he will still call me, come see me, asking him if he will still be my friend.

 

I can't believe that I am begging him for crumbs, after he F*CKING DUMPED ME WHILE I HAVE CANCER.

 

What the f*ck is wrong with me? I see this all the time and I wonder how someone could want to be with someone who treated them so poorly. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I know of this one site that talks about the "stench of low expectations". Well... that stench is coming off of me now, folks.

 

Does it get any more pathetic than this?

 

The hardest part is knowing that he loves me - but only out of my context. He just doesn't want to be a part of the sort of life I lead. There is nothing I can do to change the fact that I am a mother. Except sign off my parental rights and walk away. My own mother did that to me - she dumped me for some man. There is no way I can even comprehend doing that to my own child.

 

I am just so f*cked up right now in the head. I seriously can't believe this is happening.

[whichwayisup]

He is f**ken pathetic, not you. As I said on another thread, I hope he has many sleepness nights, has the night guilts and when he looks in his bathroom mirror, it smashes into pieces. Instead of telling you all his fears, and trying to stick with things, get some therapy to help him change and grow - He's run away. For that, he's a PUSSY! Sorry, I'm on abit of a rant now as I'm sooo pissed off for you!

Will I write that book? I don't know.

 

If you write it, I will buy it! As will many more..

 

I hate that you're having such a bad day - All I can say is, keep venting it out and just know tomorrow will be a better day. Keep that sick humour going too.

 

Hugs to you LB.

[lindya]

What the f*ck is wrong with me? I see this all the time and I wonder how someone could want to be with someone who treated them so poorly. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I know of this one site that talks about the "stench of low expectations". Well... that stench is coming off of me now, folks.

 

Does it get any more pathetic than this?

 

It's not pathetic, LB...or if it is, then it's just the general pathos of human nature that is in all of us. That can come out when we're vulnerable.

 

So what if you begged for crumbs when you were at your lowest ebb? I've done it...I bet a load of other people here have done it. Doing that in a time of crisis doesn't define who you are - it just makes you a human being in pain. Throwing out some pitiful excuse, then turning your back on a friend who's in desperate circumstances...now that defines who a person is. I'd find it far, far harder to get over doing that to someone than I'd find it to recover from maybe being a bit weak and needy at a time when I had every right to feel that way. Don't dare beat yourself up about that.

[Fun2BMe]

I just want to remind you of the fact that cancer strikes EVERYONE equally regardless of whether or not they are salaried or hourly, wear a diamond/band or not, have tatoos or not, old or young.

 

I was watching Oprah last night and there was a young man with pancreatic cancer - the deadliest of all cancers, lucky if you can make it past a year. He has two young children, a wife, beautiful home and all that stuff, but so what. There are very young children who get lymphoma and other cancers. Superman's wife who never smoked a cigarette yet got lung cancer which is deadlier than breast. She had just burried her husband and now her young son was going to lose his mother too.

 

Also, looks don't guarantee a happy relationship. I've been bouncing around from one bad situation to another for years when there are women who are 10% as good looking in happy relationships. You have to remind yourself that it's all about attitude. Someone will want to be with you for who you are, not because of the color of your hair. I'm sure you know all these things, but it's hard to see it that way when you are feeling so down.

 

I did read an article in Newsweek a couple of months ago of an alternative dating site, where people with health issues or other hardships have profiles and meet others who they can openly display all of their nuts and bolts to upfront. I can't remember the site though. Also keep in mind that MOST people in the US don't have health insurance and they are all just as likely to get a costly health problem as you are. You're really not alone. Not everyone owns their house either. More rent than own. Also most people have hourly jobs regardless of their age.

 

Many people don't have children so you are lucky to have a daughter to be there with you instead of being all alone going through all this. I guess you have to keep in mind that things could be a lot worse for instance if you lived in a 3rd world country, got the same diagnosis but had NO access to healthcare at all since they wouldn't have any programs to assist the poor. There are millions in that situation without a shot at chemo or treatment or surgery!!! MILLIONS if not billions - most of the population on earth. Also there could be many in a similar situation as you but let's say they are on top of it blind or deaf - they are not immune to cancer.

 

Yes you're having a hard time finding other women with similarities as you. I am more 'common' but I still don't have the support system in my daily life and come online to vent most of the time. That's just life. Yes there are those with the picket fence, husband, money and children and friends and health insurance and all that but at the end of the day they too will experience the emotions you are feeling, they too willl feel like others can't relate to them and that they are not getting enough support. That's the hard part of reality but I think you're onto something with the coverart for your book:)

[Ladyjane14]

Why would any man want me, when there are younger, healthier, more attractive, and less baggage women out there? I can see becoming this way over time and having a man want to stay with me regardless, but what man is going to walk into this? No one. I don't even know if I would trust any man who would. I would assume if he is after me, he was rejected by every other available woman, and I would be a last ditch effort in an attempt to get himself laid.

 

Rationally, I can understand that this is just a rant. A frustrated rant. An angry rant. One that made me cry while typing it. So, see it for what it is.

 

Baby... why are you doing this to yourself?

You already know that that guy wasn't good enough for you. And he wasn't good enough for your daughter either. The MAN who is good enough for you would've cut out his own tongue before saying a single word that would burden you further while you're going through so much.

 

Right here on your thread, you see the example set by Dazed&Confused. He's not an aberration. This little microcosm where women are measured by their 'curb appeal' is the exception to the norm. It's a little microcosm where people come when they've either messed up their relationship, had somebody else mess it up for them, or messed it up together.

 

You've got to have some faith in humanity every now and then. Men aren't all shallow as puddles, and .... romance/sex isn't the only thing in life worth having. When you think about people who are REALLY influential... historically, societally, personally... their romantic relationships are not defining of them. Their intellect is. Their artistry is. Their work within the community of mankind is. These are the things that last.

 

The right guy for you doesn't give a crap about your hair. He sees the keenness of your mind. He doesn't care about your fertility; he cares about your warmth. He doesn't care about the few surplus pounds around your waist; he cares that you fight for what you love.

 

Sweetie, you've got enough problems of your own on your plate. Don't let somebody else's malfunction reflect on you. Don't internalize this guy's deficiencies. Negative energy feeds upon itself, as well you know. You just don't have the resources right now to expend on wasted energy. You need every ounce of strength to fight your fight.

[Kasan]

What the f*ck is wrong with me? I see this all the time and I wonder how someone could want to be with someone who treated them so poorly. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I know of this one site that talks about the "stench of low expectations". Well... that stench is coming off of me now, folks.

 

What is wrong with you? Not a thing my dear...when we undergo times of great crisis we always try to hold on to whatever normalcy we have in our lives. Of course, it is natural to turn to your family and SO.

 

Oh LB, the thoughts must be twirling and spinning like a top around in your head. But you must remember, this is not about you...this is about HIM!!!

 

And what is this crap about the "stench of low expectations"? Why are you so freakin hard on yourself? It is so alright to feel what you are feeling...it is all so fresh.

 

You are entitled to feel every feeling that you are having right now...in fact I think it's a good thing. Cry, scream, rant and rave, whatever it takes right now....because you are going to have to pull yourself together later on so that you can fight breast cancer.

 

But you don't have to pull yourself together right now, tomorrow, or the next day....so do whatcha gotta do.

[Trialbyfire]

when we undergo times of great crisis we always try to hold on to whatever normalcy we have in our lives. Of course, it is natural to turn to your family and SO.

Exactly. I would be surprised if there's anyone out there, who won't look to their loved ones for support.

 

As for you being untouchable, that's a load of poo. For now, you've got more important issues to address than playing the dating game. In a year's time, when your body has recovered from assorted medical procedures, you will feel differently.

 

Of the women in my life who've had breast cancer and subsequent surgery/treatment, they've all pulled through looking better than ever. Part of the reason is that the battle with cancer tempered them, like fine steel. They found that so many things were meaningless, so they let go of the meaningless and focused on the now, on today, with people like your daughter.

 

What you need to do is to say to your b/f, "You're either an asset or a liability to me. Right now, I see you as a liability. Thanks for caring so little that you would bolt when things got tough. If you had a decent bone in your body, you would at minimum be there for me to lean on. Instead, you've ripped my heart out when I should be focused on fighting cancer. Man up or get out of my life."

[EnigmaXOXO]

LB ... he’s coming back. The “guilt-trip” as well as being concerned about you is going wreak havoc on him once he really starts to miss you. It’s darn near impossible to walk away from someone on a good note, when there’s been no accumulated resentments, emotional closure or any reason whatsoever to say “goodbye” to someone you genuinely care about forever. And that’s going to eat him up ... mark my words.

 

And I truly, truly hope by that point you’re strong enough to slam the phone down or the door in his face. It’s enough on your plate to take care of you own well-being at this point, let alone have to hold the hand of someone who needs more emotional support and stroking than you. Your state of mind is PARAMOUNT in the speed of your recovery. No emotional vampires draining your energy and strength ... Please!

[marlena]

Of the women in my life who've had breast cancer and subsequent surgery/treatment, they've all pulled through looking better than ever. Part of the reason is that the battle with cancer tempered them, like fine steel. They found that so many things were meaningless, so they let go of the meaningless and focused on the now, on today, with people like your daughter.

 

 

This is so true for three of my friends who had to struggle with cancer. They look at me when I cry over a man or cry over not having a man and they think I'm insane. I can see it in their eyes. They plan a trip to China or Vietnam and their eyes twinkle weeks before. They have a more positive, life - is- beautiful attitude than a lot of healthy people I know including myself. And yes, no one is exempt. It could happen to any us.

 

I really don't know what's happened to your boyfriend. Have you talked to him about it?

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

I really don't know what's happened to your boyfriend. Have you talked to him about it?

 

Yes. The bottom line is that he loves me, he just doesn't want the 'instant family' life that comes when you settle down with a single mother. That in and of itself isn't unusual. There aren't a lot of men out there who do want to settle down with a single mother.

 

The worst part is the timing, I guess. He knew he was going to break up with me anyway, I think - and he did it now as opposed to dragging it out into chemo. It would have been far worse to have been dumped then, or to finally get through recovery a year from now and get dumped then. In a sense, if he was going to break up with me I guess I would rather it be now than a month from now when things are really going to be bad.

 

Will he be back? I don't know. Some part of me is expecting him to show up on my doorstep with a ring in his hand, and an apology in his heart. Another part of me thinks he won't give it a second thought and will look to be a friend to me like my exH is - after all, he was breaking up with me for a long time now. I just didn't know it.

 

People who break up with you for months before actually getting around to telling you have no problem being 'just friends'. They let the love go a while ago, did their grieving over it, are now over it and are ok being 'friends'. That is why the ex wants to be friends I guess. They can't understand that while they have had the time to get over this and get into a 'friend' mindset before breaking up, the person they are breaking up with is not ready for that. They assume that if they can get over it and be friends, why can't the person they are dumping? Its a matter of bad timing any way you look at it.

 

Right now its all speculation. I will be going to the mall today. My kid wants to go look at some Webkins that she has her eye on, and we will grab some lunch and just hang out for a while.

[marlena]

Wish I could come to the mall with you!

 

Hang in there, sweetie. You have a big fan club here. If you ever write that book, you most definitely have a HUGE audience from LS!

[carrotgirl]

Yes. The bottom line is that he loves me, he just doesn't want the 'instant family' life that comes when you settle down with a single mother. That in and of itself isn't unusual. There aren't a lot of men out there who do want to settle down with a single mother.

LB, I know first hand that cancer can bring out the worst in people but like anything else, if he's going to stick, cancer isn't going to make him unstick. Perhaps he just needs time to get his head out of his rear. I'm not making excuses. His timing is beyond the pale. You need to concentrate on YOU and your daughter. Start NC and let him come around for crumbs!

 

OH! I wish you could be here! If it makes you feel at all better, you're a very hot commodity where I live. I'm at the other end of the scale. The guys don't want to date some single, kidless and in her low thirties. The guys here (of all ages) PREFER a single woman around 37-40 with a kid or two. My men friends all say it's because there is no stress about having kids and the women with kids are much more together than the singletons a little younger without!

 

Carrot

[Storyrider]

I've been following too and sorry to hear the latest.

 

I feel inadequate to add anything except that of course this adds to your pain, and at the same time, all the noise he is creating by doing this is something you've got to shut out as best you can, as an obstacle to your number one priority now, which is your health.

 

I don't know if you're religious or not, so I'll just say, let go of your worries about your bf as best you can and hand that problem over to the Universe. That way you can put all your energy into getting better.

[Touche]

LB, I've been following your thread now since the beginning. I just suck at this kind of thing. I wanted to say something but I never had the words. I still don't have the words.

 

There are a few women on here that I really look up to. Women who exude strength like you do. I've never thought of myself as a particularly strong person, so I just can't imagine what I could say to you. I've always thought of you as better than me.

 

There's really nothing I can say. I've cried through most of this thread. I'm sure you don't need someone to cry with, right?

 

I guess I just want to say that I've been thinking about you. For what it's worth I've also prayed for you and have sent my good vibes your way.

 

You'll make it, LB. I absolutely know you will. You're going to be one of those success stories. You'll beat the cancer AND find a man worthy of you. No doubt about it. It's happened to women who didn't even compare to you. So I know it will happen for you. No question about it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have to admit that I am feeling somewhat better. I have been thinking a lot in hindsight, seeing a lot of things more clearly, and realizing that I think what is most devastating is losing the idea of the relationship. Letting go of the relationship is actually not as hard as letting go of the hope and wishful thinking I had for it. I can honestly say that in some ways it is actually a relief to have it over. I don't think that I will have a problem talking to him still.

 

The things I like best about him and would miss most are not the things you need to be romantically involved with someone in order to have. We did have a good friendship underneath it all. Outside of bad timing, it probably was best that we went our separate ways now that I think about it. I wanted more than he could give. He wanted more than I could give.

 

That doesn't make me any less lonely though. And I will miss the fantastic sex. It really was good. Very, very good.

 

The cancer side of it is ok. The only thing that hurts still is my underarm incision site. It is very sore still, and my doctor told me it would be for a while yet. I am enjoying having boobs that match. My right was always a cup size or so bigger than my left, and now it is the same size. It is nice to look into the mirror and see that my nipples line up!

 

Anyway, I do feel a bit better.

[whichwayisup]

Hmm, if I were a guy or a lesbian, I'd tell ya, post the nip pics!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ah, well... one of the 'girls' looks pretty bad right now with that big scar across the top. Don't see any pics in my future, unfortunately. Outside of that, and the fact that half of my tattoo is gone it looks pretty normal. The swelling is gone, and you can't really look at me and see that anything is wrong. I actually had someone say that... "Gosh, you look great! You don't look like you have cancer." I just smiled. Didn't want to say.. "Well in a month I will look like Uncle Fester and you won't be able to even look me in the eye, much less tell me how great I look."

 

Any "you look great" comments will stick like a bone in the throat a month or so from now. I can't wait until someone says it though. I know they will. People want to say stuff to make you feel better, and I understand that.

 

I made the mistake of calling my now ex boyfriend last night. He sounded upbeat, happy to hear from me, chipper... and knowing that breaking up made him sound happy and relieved just destroyed me. I cried and cried last night. Sent him a text message and an email - the old "I wish I could have had one more night" blah, blah, blah. I don't expect I'll get a response to either of those, and the next time I talk to him I doubt he'll mention it.

 

Its funny. I am exactly how he was, when his ex wife dumped him. It took him four years to get over her. Then he started dating me. And he ended up doing to me exactly what she did to him. She even handled the breakup the same way - saying that she wanted to stay with him but not in a 'relationship' way. I was friends with him then, and watched him tear himself up inside over this woman. And here he is dishing it out to someone else, without a second thought.

 

Funny old world, eh?

[Kasan]

Of the women in my life who've had breast cancer and subsequent surgery/treatment, they've all pulled through looking better than ever. Part of the reason is that the battle with cancer tempered them, like fine steel. They found that so many things were meaningless, so they let go of the meaningless and focused on the now, on today, with people like your daughter.

 

I love this quote.....you'll be okay LB.

 

I am not going to bash your boyfriend...because he was/is someone that you love.....but he is missing out on so much by not being with you.

 

What a loss for him!

[EnigmaXOXO]

"Well in a month I will look like Uncle Fester and you won't be able to even look me in the eye, much less tell me how great I look."

 

My mother’s battling her second bout of cancer. And for the second time, she’s lost all her hair. But she said she’s HAPPY not to have to shave her legs for a while ... and she’s having fun with all the different wigs. Dad said last night he’s excited to come home ... cause there’s a different woman waiting for him every day. Blond, brunette, redhead. Kinky!

 

Your hair will grow back LB, faster than you think. My mother had straight hair before she lost it the first time, and to her delight it grew back curly!!

 

As for the scars, they will fade in time too.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, I have the chemo, more surgery, and radiation for my body.

 

I wish there were something like that for my heart. It just seems like this sadness will never end. I wish that I could fast forward a few weeks, and just get the chemo started. That will help take my mind off of the breakup, I would think.

[Ladyjane14]

You know, most times I think "feeling your feelings" is a healthy and necessary thing, but the science is still out on why an optimistic attitude offers positive health benefits. I just don't think you can afford to indulge your stinkin' thinker, LB. It could prove to be a genuine risk in terms of exacerbating your situation healthwise.

 

Maybe you could limit the time you indulge in sadness to about 20 minutes a day... then grab onto your inner mantra and get on with gettin' on. That way, you're at least acknowledging your losses, but not immersing yourself in them.

 

It's tough to do, I know. Controlling the emotions is like bull-riding at the rodeo. It requires taking conscious control of the mind, and stepping back from your feelings in order to observe them more analytically. It's a difficult proposition under the best of circumstances, and certainly your situation is less than ideal. But... I think you might be looking at a "have-to" here.