Dealing with Controlling Mom

[MattsAngel]

My Dad passed away at 69 yrs old 2 days after Christmas last year... He had his standards..but was laid back..non judgemental and loved me no matter what..but he loved Mom so much that ..well even in my 20s I was asked to "just humor her...keep peace in the house".. Dad was my safe place..

 

Mom on the other hand..........

 

I never felt controlled by Dad..but often found myself wishing he would stand up to Mom ie put her in her place.. defend us kids.. but at the same time I knew he loved her ..Mom was definitely the matriarch..and still makes it known she isn't pleased with my "negative life" and we can never talk about anything deep..just Thadd and Joey & the weather and what she is doing.. anything deep...and "thar she blows"

 

Just the other night she said that :

 

"the relatives are asking when you and Matt are actually going to get married... after your experience LAST TIME well.. Kimberly... well they just don't think it is going to happen.. and well...IF you have it..Florida is just too emotional for me... so .. well actually it might be best for you and Matt to just marry with noone else around since most relatives wouldn't come anyway..and what with Thadd busy with school anyway" -

 

Nothing about what Matt and I want or are planning or my happiness ANYWHERE in there..not even remotely.........It has always been that way with her...and if I ever confronted her about ... I got "What did I ever do wrong.. you hate me so much... was I that bad of a mother... " ooooor I got "Don't you forget that you would have had nothing without me".. "you were able to get your college education because of me... " etc etc..insert nice clothing or..opportunities...or........and the list goes on...Then there was the proverbial "I am YOUR MOTHER!!!" when all I wanted to do was discuss why my happiness didn't seem to matter...

 

After my Dad passed away and Joey and I were about to fly back to Florida... I got sat down for a discussion... My own Mom told me that since she is now Dad's ambassador since he is gone... and since she and he worked very hard for what they had/have...that if I don't decide to become a "good" family member again and get "on the right path" that she will make it to where I never receive anything of Dad's ever... and that she remembered what I had told Dad and Mom what I had hoped to some day inherit and take care of... she'd make it where I wouldn't get it if " you don't get with the program"...

 

I'm thinking about starting another myspace group for this kind of thing...where people who have had to deal with parents like this can get together/chat/become pen pals etc...just to relate... say you're not alone...offer suggestions on how they deal with their parent who is like this if the parent is still alive.... etc etc etc...

 

I love my Mom..and I have a "good" relationship over the phone with her at this point because she does love my sons & has helped them throughout the years. ..and I know Dad would want me to keep the connection going with her... as I said earlier though...it can never be anything "heavy" that is discussed or everything blows up.. she is suddenly getting tired... has something to do...can't discuss this... So I've given up on ever discussing my feelings with her. I know I will never please her, gain her approval, be the daughter she wants me to be, wear what she thinks I should, think what she thinks I should etc... so instead I'm just focusing on loving her because she's my Mom, she loves my sons and because my Dad loved her.

 

Have any of y'all gone through anything like this? A controlling parent...Pls msg me if so... or hit me up on yahoo msgr. at mattspurringpussycat

I will probably start this group over the weekend & am taking suggestions for it.

 

Sincerely,

Kimberly

[kadstar83]

Hey there,

 

Yes, Yes, Yes!

 

I know your father has passed, but at least you can think found memories about him. I have two parents who are contrlloing and I no longer contact either of them. I know that sounds like a big decision, but, it's what i needed to do to escape the constant guilt that was thrown my way. I've heard the whole, 'I did this for you, and this and this and this!' Plus, my mother has also tried to harm the relationships I have with my brothers, and that has been painful!

 

My only advice is to be true to yourself. If that means walking away from her for some time, maybe. Or limiting your experiences with your mum. But by the sounds of things your mum will never change and it's up to you how much you want to be exposed to her.

I know that when i said, 'Enough is enough'. I was put to the side of the family, sort of on the 'outer'. But, I am happier here because i don't have the negative talk constantly in my head.

 

One thing that i realised was, just because they say it, it doesn't make it true.

 

:-)

 

Kadstar