Worried and jealous

[jenngurl220]

My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 years, been friends for the last six. He has a bad history of cheating on his girlfriends although I never new this until I talked to some of his exes. He has a kid who is seven who lives with him. recently he moved out of his parents house and to an apartment. He is getting used to having his own place and we've been getting along really well. I don't totally trust him because when we broke up (but were still talking and sort of fwb at times, he had this female friend that I knew nothing about that he slept with several times. I found out about her when I stopped at his parents house to suprise him. THis was over a year ago but still bugs me. He has promised to never do anything like that again

 

Well everythign has been great between us and he has done a lot to improve things and he says he's never been happier with us. about a month ago I found out he was talking to an ex and I got upset as he lied to me about it and was doing it behind my back. They hadn't talked or seen eachother in almost ten years! She has a kid now too and her ex gives her a lot of problems. THey mostly talked about their kids and stuff. He let me meet her and she and I talk and text once in awhile (started by her) She is very nice. But he keeps being dishonest with me regarding her. For example, he knows that she and I talk and I tell him this. Well he got a new phone number (because he moved) and I asked if he gave Cindy (his ex) the new number and he said no he had no reason to talk to her and that she talks to me more anyway and that she hadn't called him or anythign for three weeks (since she met with us) and yet she had talked to me about five times since then. So he said he saw no reason to talk to her and that they;d probably never talk again.

 

 

Well I found out from HER that he had texted her his new number. She had never replied (works a lot) but told me to tell my boyfriend she said hi) When I asked him he admitted he texted her but his excuse was that he never heard back from her so he didnt' think she got the text and didnt' have his number because she never called him. I was out of town three days last week and she texted me once or twice and when I talked to my boyfriend I asked him if he'd heard from Cindy and he said yeah she had called him that night to tell him if some guy (her ex and kid's dad) comes around asking him questions to pretend he didnt' know her because her ex is looking to get custody of her daughter and casuing trouble with her friends. He said they talked for ten minutes and just talked about her ex. Well the next day we were talking on the phone and my boyfriend was angry about something and raised his voice and called me by HER name! My name is Jenn, doesn't sound anything like Cindy. I got VERy upset and asked if he'd been talking to her and he admitted he'd called her about 20 minutes before he called me. He said he wanted to give her advice (about her ex) and the custody situation with her daughter because he's been through all of that with his ex.

 

He appologized for calling me her name and said there is nothing going on that she is just a friend and that he has no interest in her but just wanted to help her out because he knows what she is going through. She doens't understand why I am upset at them talking so much (two days in a row) because from the beginning she told me she has NO plans to hook up with him and isnt' interested in any more than friends. SHe is casually dating some guy anyway and is still in love with a recent ex of hers that she was with for five years. She says the thing with my boyfriend was when they were very young and she doesn't even consider it important. To give her credit, in the month since she met me she has only called him once and tried to text him twice (his phone can't receive texts for her type of phone for some reason). He has only contacted her twice (called her the day after she called him and texted her his phone number several weeks ago) But I'm very upset because I feel that things have been going so well and I'm taking a more active role in his son's life and becoming close to him. I've also been doing things like picking him up from school and cooking them both dinner. So I've been helping out a lot.

 

I've asked my boyfriend to limit his talking to her to once a week and he said no that I can't control him and that i'm making a big deal out of nothing! he said if she needs to talk and calls him more than once a week (which she hasn't yet its been like once every 4 weeks) then he will pick up the phone and talk to her. He has agreed he will not see her unless I am with him, that he has no reason to go anywhere with her or have her over if I'm not around. and so far they have not seen eachother since we all got together about a month ago. The reason I am so concerned is because my boyfriend has NEVER had a female friend that he hasn't slept with. he cheated on past girlfriends with other women who started out as "just friends" and he sees this pattern but says that he deserves a chance to prove it to me that he he's not going to mess up this time. He says I am very important to him and this is what he's always wanted (me) and that he's not going to mess it up. I've made it very clear I will not tolerate cheating of any kind and if he so much as kisses her then I"m gone! I don't get the vibe that she is into him- recently she was very upset with the situation with her ex and was almost suicidal and she ended up calling ME to talk about what was going on- not him. She has also told me several times that even before she knew I was dating him (they never talked about relationship status the first time he called her) she had no plans to hook up with him as she is still in love with a recent ex.

 

My boyfriend wont' budge on the idea of not talking to her anymore, saying I"m trying to control him. He says I should try to trust him. I just dont' know what to do. Something about the whole situation makes me uncomfortable (that he lied about her in the first place!) Am I blowing this out of proportion by demanding he limit his contact with her or have none at all? Or is he being an ass by refusing to give in?

[Cobra_X30]

This guy wouldnt know the truth if you slapped him with it, then shoved it up his bum!

 

If he lies this much, this often. Why are you still with him? You know now what you didnt know in the beggining, so you can feel free to leave before you get hurt big time!

[Jinnah]

She doesn't sound like trouble, but HE does! I would get out of this. I'm sorry, as that's probably not what you want to hear, but in the long run I think you would be glad you did.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to your gut...

 

This guy can't be trusted and he's actions are showing you this. He tells you one thing and then he does the opposite. Sounds like he isn't ready to settle down and be committed to you, he wants the freedom to do what he wants, when he wants and screw what you have to think or feel about it.

[squeak]

I've asked my boyfriend to limit his talking to her to once a week and he said no that I can't control him and that i'm making a big deal out of nothing! he said if she needs to talk and calls him more than once a week (which she hasn't yet its been like once every 4 weeks) then he will pick up the phone and talk to her. He has agreed he will not see her unless I am with him, that he has no reason to go anywhere with her or have her over if I'm not around. and so far they have not seen eachother since we all got together about a month ago. The reason I am so concerned is because my boyfriend has NEVER had a female friend that he hasn't slept with. he cheated on past girlfriends with other women who started out as "just friends" and he sees this pattern but says that he deserves a chance to prove it to me that he he's not going to mess up this time.

 

This quote especially really strikes me:

"I've asked my boyfriend to limit his talking to her to once a week and he said no that I can't control him and that i'm making a big deal out of nothing!".

 

He wants you to trust him yet has made it clear that if she decides to call 30 times a week he will talk to her.

 

He wants you to trust him, but he has a consistently bad history, cheated with every GF and made it clear YOU have to deal with however many times another girl calls, he won't budge.

 

If he really wanted to appear trustable, to earn your trust he would have compromised about that. But I guess the needs of an ex are more important to him. That is really sick!!

!!

 

Careful, the next girl who he tells you not to not try to control his actions may not care too much about you, do you really want to be in a relationship where your "trust" is pretty much based on how the other female behaves?

 

The only way to change a pattern is to do things differently than you had done before. He is still putting himself in situations to become a shoulder for another girl, unlimited bonding telephone time even if you don't like it----and isn't that how it started in the past with other GF's he cheated on?

 

By the way, I'm not too thrilled with this ex unloading on him- she seems annoying and overstepping by involving you two in her life so much, and your BF allowing it.

 

do you really want to be friendly with her or are you just keeping her close to protect yourself?

[jenngurl220]

Thank you all for justifying my concerns!! My boyfriend makes it sound like I am crazy for feeling this way or that I'm just insecure (which I am I admit but only because of his past.) Now this ex- Cindy isn't really making a habit of calling him (I wouldn't say once in 3-4 weeks is excessive at all) I'm not so much worried about her but its HIS actions I'm worried about.

 

I mean she called him just to pass on a warning (which was weird) and didn't even talk to him more than ten minutes and the VERY NEXT DAY he decides to call HER and give her advice (that she didn't even ask for) true, that she is in a similiar situation he was in with his son and his ex (I don't have kids so I can't really relate other than empathizing) but she's not calling my boyfriend for a shoulder to cry on. HE is the one offering to help her out. He says he's not attracted to her and I believe him (because she's gained ALOT of weight since they dated and with having a young child doesn't have much time to take care of herself) so i don't think he is looking to hook up with her based on attraction. But he seems to want her around for some reason. I do believe he won't see her unless I"m around and so far she's expressed no interest in hanging out with us or with him alone.

 

I don't believe in ultimatums but I'm about ready to start! I'm uncomfortable with the situation and my boyfriend is doing NOTHING to ease my fears. And as far as me being friendly with her, well I think she is a genuinely nice person and I enjoy talking to her once in awhile and part of me wants to keep her around to keep tabs on them or to know what he is up to. But I wouldn't be upset if neither one of us ever talked to her again. I like her and think she's a nice person but its not like she's a good friend of mine or anything.

[jenngurl220]

Also and to be fair I should include that I am good friends with two guys- one is my ex that I was engaged to and with for five years (this was over five years ago) and also another sort of ex- we dated when I was 16 but never slept together- it was very innocent and was the sort of "relationship" you have when you are really young. We've been friends for the last 12 years- we've been thru a lot- his best friend died in a car wreck and I was there for him, he's been there for me. only one other time did we express interest in eachother and that was years ago and nothing happened. So we are more like brother and sister- my boyfriend has met him and talked with him and doesn't care for him because I used to spend alot of time with this guy. The first ex I mentioned- I see him about once or twice a year and talk to him or email him about once a month. And if he does have relationship problems or personal problems, yes he usually calls me to talk. My boyfriend has met and talked with him as well and is invited any time we hang out (which isn't very often)

 

So I totally believe men and women can JUST be friends. However my boyfriend can not name ONE female friend he's had that was strictly platonic. It was either someone he cheated on a girlfriend of his with or an ex he hooked up with either while he was single or dating someone else.

 

I know I can't control what he does but I feel I need to set boundaries so that he doesn't "get away with it" I feel the need to "punish" or control him because of what he did wrong at first with her (twice actually he lied or omitted info about her) So even though he's not- it feels like if he doesn't give into my request of limiting the time he talks to her or to stop talking to her all together then he is choosing HER over me.

[squeak]

That you keep in touch with 2 exes is different because:

a) you don't have a history of cheating with ex's

b) they have never done anything to tresspass the boundaries that exist within your current relationship

 

I re-read your post, and it really seems like waaay too many problems with lying and you keeping tabs and his consistently bad history.

 

It makes me wonder that even though Cindy is not open to it, if he is fishing for it, what happens if another new girl enters the picture? One you can't keep tabs on?

 

I know you don't want to hear this but it sounds like a set up for heartbreak, and I wonder if the first heartbreak of finding out about mystery "friend" while you both were seperated hasn't locked you into this pattern of trying to get him to prove to you that you are different so as to erase that pain.

 

Also, stop listening to his words, he has many words to explain, cover your ears and look at his actions...what are they saying? What do they continue to say? The solutions to this are more complex than just getting him to stop talking with her, as she is barely the problem. He seems to have some code of conduct that is always keeping you on guard + off balance, why do you want to invest more time with someone who has cheated on ALL his GF's and continues to do things that bring down the fiber of your relationship?

 

Edit: addition:

The only thing I can advise is to keep your pride/self value in mind at all times as your barometer.

 

Meaning-ask yourself what you need exactly in order to feel he is:

not disrespecting you

putting you first

earning your trust

 

Maybe you are not beyond the point of no return yet, but consider those things in this situation or I think you will lose sight of yourself, and your needs and end up being so confused you won't know right from wrong. I think you are in danger of being very hurt because you really can't control him, and you are trying to change him and he does not want to change.

 

You can control yourself and get the hell out of dodge though.