is it cheating? how to reconnect?

[nemesis]

OK, this is the first time I've sought advice about something like this, but here it goes:

 

I'm 28. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years, and spent almost 3 of those living together. We currently live overseas in a country where English is the second language, so seeking counselling in a private setting is virtually impossible. We went "home" to visit for four months recently, and I stayed longer because a very close relative is dying. Upon my return, I found that this other girl had a VERY huge attraction to him (I had known that she liked him, but thought nothing of it as I trusted him and thought of him as being above her sort). I made a point of asking about it since I knew that he'd been spending a lot of time with her, and he assured me that they were only friends and that she had been having a lot of personal problems and needed a shoulder to cry on. I told him that I would prefer that he not see her anymore (knowing the kind of girl that she is, very manipulative) but he said that he would continue to be friends with her and spend time with her. No problem.

 

I was cleaning recently and found a new notebook through which I quickly flipped (wasn't sure if I had forgotten having bought it), and saw her name in it. It was his diary. I hadn't ever read anyone's diary before, but I needed some reassurance. Instead, I found that two days before my return, she had been in my living room, snuggling with him. The two of them had been kissing heavily. Later she invited him to her place, and into her bedroom. When she asked him to lie with her, he got freaked and left. This is the same girl to whom he claimed to have no attraction whatsoever.

 

I wrote him a break-up letter in which I said that what he had done was unacceptable, but not as unacceptable as having lied to me about it. I told him that I couldn't spend my whole life wondering what he had been up to and with whom, and that I thought he was a great person who perhaps needed more freedom (I was his first girlfriend, and he had been shunning my attempts at getting more commitment for two years by this point, saying that marriage was like death). He begged me not to break up with him so I called a two-week hiatus so that we could both think about what we wanted out of life. He spent the first three days slamming and storming around the house, making a point of letting me know how disturbed he was, not sleeping, not eating, punching walls, crying and such. I did my best to remain cheerful and friendly to him (there was no alternative place where either of us could have gone at this time) and ignore what I thought was very childish behaviour. On the third day, he wrote me a letter in which he said that he didn't want to lose me. He also asked me to marry him (although he had actively dismissed the idea two months prior). I waited a couple of days, then said ok.

 

The problem? I feel that he cheated on me (though he claims it was not cheating) and I feel no attachment or attraction to him anymore. I love him, but I can't make myself like him again; he's violated my trust before, but I'm not sure that I could deal with another time, which there may very well be, despite his promises. I feel sad all the time and need to know how to reattach to him so that we can get on with our lives. I also need some feedback as to whether I'm being unreasonable or whether my concerns are valid. Thanks so much.

[Kat]

In answer to your main question. Is it cheating? YES!

 

Of course it is. He broke your trust and shared himself with someone else. If you cannot get passed that (which is perfectly normal) you need to leave. If he wants to act like a child, let him. Kids need disipline and consistancy. If you say you will leave. Leave! If not, and you feel you can work through it, I am sure we will all be here for you

[Just A Girl2]

Okay, first of all...this notebook/diary of his......is it something he's been writing in for a LONG time? How well was it hidden?

 

I find it extremely bizarre that a guy's in a long term relationship, his gal is out of the country visiting a dying relative and he's playing snuggly/kissy with some chick he already knew his g/f (you) didn't feel comfortable with.......AND....he writes of the 'encounter' in this diary. What the hell? That is just bent. Who fools around with someone, then writes it out in their diary, knowing full well their significant other could find it? And I didn't know guys wrote this kind of stuff down.

 

In most cases, I'd suspect that maybe the guy WANTED you to find out? Either to end your relationship, or else he (in some strange way) felt such guilt about it but didn't know how to confess it, so he wrote it all out and didn't bother to hide it, knowing you'd likely find it.

 

So you DID accept his marriage proposal? Why? Don't you feel the only reason he proposed (in a letter, no less...how impersonal and unromantic, particularly given the circumstances) to you was so that you wouldn't leave him due to his unacceptable behavior? If someone proposed to me, I'd want them to do so because they gave it much thought and did it for no reason other than they were very sure they wanted to spend their life with me......not get themself off the hooking for fooling around.

 

What ages are you both?

[nemesis]

I'm 28 and he's 26. I was his first girlfriend, and I suppose he was kind of the high school geek and still has that complex, and thinks that no one likes him and falls in love with anything that does.

 

It occurred to me that he may have left it for me to find, but the way his face fell when I presented him with the journal told me that he had no idea that I'd ever look in it, even if I DID find it. It's weird; it's felt like we were soulmates all the while (we love so many of the same things and have the same weird sense of humour) but now I have trouble staying in the same room with him for any length of time, and that pains him.

 

I just don't know what he wants; he says he just "wanted to know" if anyone else could ever be attracted to him, and to his credit, he did leave the situation with the skank before it got truly sexual. At the same time, what stopped him from letting it go as far as it did? I think the thing that bothers me the most is that he lied to me when I first asked him and told me that nothing had happened and that he intended to remain friends with her. I'm not terribly possessive or jealous as a rule, and it was out of character for me to even ask about her, as we both have friends of both genders. (some shared, some not). Since I hit my "indifferent" button (which was entirely involuntary, I assure you), he's been depressed and unable to function as he normally does (physically as well as sexually). He sits around the house and looks at porn on MY computer and mopes.

 

As for the marriage thing, I said yes because I'm a sucker, but we're definitely not engaged now. He knows that there are far too many trust issues for that. Trouble is, neither of us are in a position to go anywhere; we've both signed one-year contracts in our city with the same company, and for the most part, we share the same peer group, so they must be considered. If either of us were to break up with the other, it would cause the others to "take sides" whether we wanted them to or not, and neither of us wants that. The same applies at work. As far as everyone here is concerned, he's Mister Wonderful, always caring and sweet and attentive to me. I realise how twisted this whole situation sounds, but it's really quite simple.

 

What I really want is to be able to love and trust him again (he really is a sweet and gentle soul) but right now that feels damned near impossible.