the last boyfriend... before I got married

[overseas2004]

I cant tell you all how nice it feels to have met and married the right guy at the age of 39. We are now pregnant- and to me that is a miracle at 40. I just never thought it would happen. My husband is kind, caring, thoughtful and sexy. I am crazy about him and I can see he feels the same way about me.

 

There is one thing that puzzles me though. I had a boyfriend who was an especially hard break up and it happend six months before I met my husband. This guy really tore my heart out. He did it in a really cruel way as well.

 

It has been almost a 2 years since this happened yet for some reason I still think about this guy from time to time. The thoughts are usually about what he ended up doing, did he get married even though he was an as*, is he happy or miserable (as he deserves to be). I have a friend who told me that he started living with some girl months ago and now I find myself compelled to find out if he married this girl (or did it fail as I hope this cur deserves. These thoughts are never, Oh I wish I still had him or I miss him. Sometimes I find that when I think about him and what he did I almost throw up.

 

I dont know what is wrong nor why I continue to experience this intense hate emotion. Can somebody help me ???

[whichwayisup]

If it helps you get closure, then fine, find out...But, just be aware that by digging into the past, you may get hooked on what he is doing with his life, and some day want to connect with him, either by phone or email. You have alot of wonderful things in your life now, I hope you focus on that and forget the ex...Leave him in the past, close and lock that door.

[quankanne]

curiosity about people we've known before is perfectly natural. But in this particular case, you really shouldn't let it get past that stage, because as WWIU puts it, that needs to be locked in your past.

 

incidentally, if things are going really well with you right now, you'd almost would *have* to reflect on your bad relationships, kind of like pinching yourself to see if you're not dreaming, you know?

[Curmudgeon]

Every minute and every bit of emotional energy you spend on this so-called ex is time and energy your husband deserves from his wife.

 

The man is NOT an ex until he truly becomes one in your mind.

 

Hate to say it but I think you're practicing emotional infidelity.

 

As always, just one man's opinion!

[Ladyjane14]

It could be that you've got some underlying anxiety going on.

People often become rather obsessed or fixated on "old flames" or sometimes new love interests when they're feeling uncertain or stressed.

 

You posted just last month about some problems you're having in your current relationship. And of course, the prospect of first-time motherhood, while exciting, is a bit daunting too. If your worries feel kind of undefined, vague, or insurmountable to you, I imagine it's possible you could be subconsciously distracting yourself with these invasive thoughts.

[luvstarved]

Well...speaking only for myself...I have thought about all my past LTRs from time to time...and the ones that I think of the most often or with the most emotion are those in which I was the dumpee and not the dumper, or at least was not the one who wanted it to end (I HAVE also been the dumper when I could see that the guy had emotionally checked out and was too cowardly or lazy to do it)...

 

I think it might have more to do with ego and some residual sense of failure more than anything...i.e., more about you than him really.

 

Since this relationship ended very badly you probably can't help but feel some mixture of resentment and damaged ego/self-esteem. It makes sense to me that you would be curious. If he is happy with someone else, maybe you were wrong for him, but what is wrong with you? What were you lacking?? If he is miserable or had another relationship end, then you are vindicated in thinking that NOBODY could sustain a relationship with him, that he is an as* and the little dose of schadenfreude it might afford you to know he is unhappy probably is in there too.

 

I thought about the worst breakup ever for me a LOT two years after, and very rarely, still do (12 years later). I never wanted the guy back but I was still somewhere inside me hurt and pissed that I was not loved the way I thought I was and it did impact my still-shaky self-esteem...BUT it is very rare now and much less emotional...

 

I would not worry about it unless you start obsessing. Although I think the response is natural, it DOES take time and energy away from the present and the less of that the better...