Only A Year Since Her Divorce-Too Soon to Talk Marriage?

[Depth of Insight]

I have been in a committed monogamous relationship for over a year. She had a VERY brief (3-week) marriage that "officially" ended (signed divorced papers) a year ago. She hadn't lived with him since early 2006.

 

Over the last 6 months she has been increasing the pressure--subtly and not-so-subtly--towards marriage. No, she is not demanding a ring today, but she is convinced I am the one and she wants reassurance. She's a great girl and I love her a lot, but I think it's too soon to give her the kind of reassurance she seeks.

 

My big concern--she went to the altar just last year. I'm not sure what kind of "time limit" should be on waiting, but I have reservations about moving too quickly since it wasn't that long ago. My thought is that we should be in this relationship for at least 2-3 years before getting to that level. However, she is convinced that I'm "the one" now.

 

Don't get me wrong, we are committed and loving. And while there will be some soul-searching on my end before I make a lifetime commitment (I have never been married, or even proposed to anyone), I hesitate to give false reassurance that it "will" happen because, well, I'm not yet. I need to feel convinced myself that she won't make the same "mistake" twice! However, that's a difficult thing to tell her in those exact words, so I haven't.

 

We tried to discuss the issue last week and it did not go well. Since she is "there" (ready for lifetime commitment) and I am "not" (mostly for the reasons above) it created a lot of tension.

 

Like I said, I haven't told her my reasons for hesitating (her recent marriage) and my question is--should I? Is it "reasonable" for me to want to hold off to make sure that this is sustainable and that she doesn't have a "change of heart" so quickly like she did just last year with the other guy?

[Lauriebell82]

Hi Depth!

 

No, I dont think you are being unreasonable to want to wait for marriage. The thing that comes to mind when I read what you wrote about your gf, is that her insecurity is getting the best of her. I can identify with her, I too can be a little insecure also (mostly just from being extremely hurt in past relationships). It kind of sounds like she is still really scared from her past disasterous marriage. She may even be trying to "erase" the huge mistake she made by marrying a man that she loves and that she thinks will make her happy.

 

Anyway, I don't think your gf is pressuring you on purpose, but I think she is still very hurt. It's understandable that she needs assurance, however I think that you might be able to assure her of your love and committment without promising her marriage. You can maybe say something such as "I love you very much, and I don't want to be without you." That implys that you love her and want her in your life, but it's not promising a lifetime of committment. If that doesn't satisfy her, then maybe you could consider being honest with her. Tell her you love her and value your relationship, and would like to keep getting to know her. Reassure her of your committment of love (doesn't have to be a promise of marriage, just a committment to your relationship) and tell her your not going anywhere.

 

Hope that helped you, good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

While this maybe an insecurity of hers, ultimately, it's her burden to bear.

 

If you're not ready for commitment, don't even consider it. Getting married should never be about what the other person wants and should be taken very seriously, IMO. Too many people go into marriage for all the wrong reasons. Don't end up to be a statistic like I am.

[justfine]

I would caution you to be very careful because I've had two very bad experiences with women who proposed marriage.

 

Many years ago, I was dating this girl who I fell in love with. She would do all kinds of sweet things for me. She knew I was a big fan of the comic strip, "Calvin and Hobbes", so she drew a comic strip similar to it with me and her as characters.

 

After about a year, she totally pressured me into getting engaged. I felt I didn't know her well enough, but, her constant pressure made me cave in. After that she became unbearable. She was constantly worried that I might cheat on her. She would pop in on me at work without notice. She would scan my phone records. She spied on me. I tried many times to break up with her, but, she refused and cry hysterically. She realized that I would probably never marry her, so, she decides to cheat on me, have a stable relationship to jump to and then leaves. In retrospect, I'm happy that she found someone else because she would have never accepted me breaking up with her.

 

I'm currently going through a divorce and my STBXW also proposed to me. We've been married for ten years and the majority of our marriage has been good until she one day out of the blue, said she needed space to think. She'd been having an affair.

 

The funny/ironic thing is that I've never proposed marriage to anyone and here I am finding myself getting divorced. When my wife proposed marriage, I felt that I didn't know her well enough so I asked my parents. They totally loved her and wanted me to accept her proposal. Against my better judgement, I took a chance and it backfired.

 

You should read some of the threads on the separation/divorce section in this forum. You'll see how painful divorce is. If you have any doubts right now, don't do it. If your girlfriend is too pushy, she is likely not concerned with how you feel and she's thinking of only herself and therefore she is selfish.

 

Because of her failed marriage, she might be eager to show her friends and relatives that she's found true love and is again married, as opposed to being a divorcee.

 

Be careful.