confused39 Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 ok, I posted this in the "dating" forum, but then figured that the marriage forum was where I should have posted it. My bf and I have been dating for a year and a half. He is 44, I am 39, and we have both been married twice. While we are extremely compatible in most areas of life, its not perfect, but I'm really not seeking perfection. I could go into a detailed explanation of why I'm unsure about us, but my question is simply this: how do you know when you have met THE ONE?? One note - I have been married twice, but neither time was for love. Stupid, I know, but my reality. I'd really appreciate hearing your opinions about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 I am not sure if you have given us enough information. But I think if you have any doubts, or are questioning it, then maybe he isn't the "one"? Keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused39 Posted September 14, 2007 Author Share Posted September 14, 2007 I guess that's my question to anyone reading this, who HAS found "the one." If he IS "the one" would I really HAVE any doubts? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 as trite as it sounds, you just know when you know, because it's a "sure" feeling about that person, even when you want to pinch his head off because he frustrates you so! :laugh: seriously, though, I knew he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with because when I thought about a distant future – old & grey & in a rocker – it felt right. or as, Turk from "Scrubs" explained: When I think of us, I see minivans and kids, and it doesn't scare me … Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 I don't know confused....I think to "question" is a good thing. How can you ever be sure if you have found "the one". This board if full of people who are in long term marriages and are still wondering if they found "the one". I got lucky and found him, even though we were both very young...and yes I was this close to calling the whole thing off. Yes I had doubts! Isn't it a normal thing to have doubts? All I know, is that marriage for love is a huge leap of faith. Oh yes, also extremely difficult, which you know. Maybe the question is why do you feel the need to get married? If you have a good thing going why not leave things the way they are? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 15, 2007 Share Posted September 15, 2007 First you truly have to believe in "the one" line of thinking. I used to think there was only one person for me but over the years this belief of mine has changed. There are guys I know that if anything ever happened to my husband that I know I could have a relationship with. I know I could fall deeply in love again if the right situation presented itself. There are many people who were happily married and either ended up getting divorced or their spouse died. These people have re-married to yet another "love of their life". So it's definitely possible to love more than one person deeply. It's a matter of just knowing that the person you're with is a keeper for you. Not neccessarily "the one", but someone you could you spending the rest of you life with. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 I think there are many possible "The One"s...but only a few of them are really nice great people. I feel like you know it when you realise the person is someone you would do anything for...and realises that person would do the same for you. Who doesn't question who you are, or wants you to change - someone who loves you for YOU. Someone you realise that even if your values or anything changes - you will love enough to WORK on it. Someone once said that if you can think of three reasons why you should not be together with someone...you should not be with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 how do you know when you have met THE ONE?? Honey, as I'm sure you know by now there is no "The One." Any more than there's a santa claus. Maybe if you stop fooling yourself you'll stop making bad marriage decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
whatiswrong Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Take it from someone like me who has been there: you wouldn't be asking this question if he was the 'one'. It's just something you know in the fiber of your own being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused39 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Thank you all so much for your replies. I know that there are no fairy tales, but I also know that a relationship changes and evolves and as long as there is a true commitment present, it'll all turn out ok. Alot of times its too easy for me to point at him and think, "Ok, HE'S screwing this up by not doing this or that," when in reality, its me that I need to be focusing on. He's a great guy, brings lots of valuable positives to my life, and yes, I can see us in the rocking chairs holding hands in 30 years. Thanks for your opinions! Link to post Share on other sites
LivA79 Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 Seriously, you guys picture yourselves old, holding hands in a rocker? That's so typical. For me, I think it's if he is everything you want and there is not anyone who can replace him. There might be someone that is better looking, but they are jerks, or someone funnier, but not as good-looking. Honestly, is he what you are looking for 100%. No one is perfect, everyone will make mistakes, but what is important to you? I was married for 10 years to someone that was a good man, attractive, but he just didn't have much of a personality. At the time it was important, but over time, it was a DRAG!!!! My BF now is just wonderful, even down to the having good credit, LOL. We do have some problems, but we are really good about communicating and compromising. Will there be a marriage one day? Maybe, who cares, I love him, not a piece of paper. If decide to have kids, we'll decide on the marriage part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused39 Posted September 21, 2007 Author Share Posted September 21, 2007 Liv, well then it's a good thing that I like typical, lol. He IS everything I want. My doubts and questions and insecurities are stemming from my fear, I realize that now. We've had our problems, big ones, but he's also very willing to communicate and compromise. Only time will tell if he's 'THE ONE' a year from now, or 30 years from now. But for today, he is definitely THE ONE, and I'm content with that. Thanks for posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 how do you know when you have met THE ONE?? Easy. You hear angels singing in the background, peace breaks out in the Middle East and Morgan Freeman does a voice-over narration as the two of you walk hand-in-hand into the sunset. Or... You feel a level of comfort, security and emotion that you just don't feel around other people. Like others have said, you'll know... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 22, 2007 Share Posted September 22, 2007 When you think of all the struggles that life brings to people, do you see yourself staying with him? If he were in a car accident, or became terminally ill, or lost his job and his money, would you still feel about him the way you do? When you see yourself sick, or tired, or needing support because your boss is getting on your last nerve and you just blew a tire on the car in a snowstorm, is he the one you turn to for help and comfort? When you think of the joys that life brings, do you see yourself by his side? Is he the first person you want to call to share good news, the person you'd most like by your side while you travel the world, the person you want to be with you and your family on holidays, the person who rejoices when you succeed, the one you want to buy a new house with...and remodel the kitchen and bath? When you think of all the routine that life is, do you imagine you could stand him throughout the dullness? When you think of a lifetime of paying bills, doing the laundry, cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, getting the oil changed in the car, clipping toenails, burping and farting, are you content with him? When you imagine yourself in those rocking chairs in your old age, do you think you'll still have anything to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused39 Posted September 24, 2007 Author Share Posted September 24, 2007 Yes, I can see all that, Norajane. We already have alot of that. Like I said previously, we're extremely compatible - except one huge area. Sex. Y'all give me your opinions on this .... We do have sex, and when we do, it's pretty darn good. The problem is that we don't do it often. And I need it lots more than he gives it. He says that he can get his intimacy fix other ways - just cuddling on the couch and watching tv, for instance. Now, there are other factors that play into this - the fact that we're rarely alone because kids are present is one. Another is that he's admitted to having problems initiating. We've dealth with this from the very beginning of our relationship. There is chemistry between us, and I find him extremely attractive, and he does show his feelings for him in lots of other ways - but this just isn't NORMAL to me. A couple in love should be all OVER each other, shouldn't they? I've never dealt with this lack of desire. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth - like maybe he's not really sexually attracted to me. I feel rejected, undesirable, and I'm tired of talking to him about it. The last 3 of 4 times that we have had sex, I have initiated it (which has been over the last 2 months. The last time was 2 weeks ago). He's spent the last 2 nights with me, and never touched me sexually. We're so compatible in every other way that I can think of. It's just this issue. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Sounds like your dealing with baggage from his previous relationships! I dont know your situation, but if it were me... I'd say stop initiating. The more you initiate the more he is going to feel stressed and pressured and inadaquate. I'd also be very receptive to his every advance! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused39 Posted September 24, 2007 Author Share Posted September 24, 2007 When I don't initiate, it doesn't happen. I am TOTALLY receptive to his every advance, and he knows it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Well, does he have other outlets? Er... I mean is he.... uh... taking care of himself? If it is lingering issues from past rejection, I think your going to have to be very strong! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Yes, I can see all that, Norajane. We already have alot of that. Like I said previously, we're extremely compatible - except one huge area. Sex. Y'all give me your opinions on this .... We do have sex, and when we do, it's pretty darn good. The problem is that we don't do it often. And I need it lots more than he gives it. He says that he can get his intimacy fix other ways - just cuddling on the couch and watching tv, for instance. Now, there are other factors that play into this - the fact that we're rarely alone because kids are present is one. Another is that he's admitted to having problems initiating. We've dealth with this from the very beginning of our relationship. There is chemistry between us, and I find him extremely attractive, and he does show his feelings for him in lots of other ways - but this just isn't NORMAL to me. A couple in love should be all OVER each other, shouldn't they? I've never dealt with this lack of desire. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth - like maybe he's not really sexually attracted to me. I feel rejected, undesirable, and I'm tired of talking to him about it. The last 3 of 4 times that we have had sex, I have initiated it (which has been over the last 2 months. The last time was 2 weeks ago). He's spent the last 2 nights with me, and never touched me sexually. We're so compatible in every other way that I can think of. It's just this issue. Sigh. That's a pretty big problem! And it's not a problem that gets better all on its own or after marriage. If you're not compatible in this area, it will permeate into other areas of your relationship. What does he say when you tell him that you feel rejected and undesirable??? He is getting older...could his libido have slowed down? Is he having problems getting an erection? Is he on medications, like maybe anti-depressants - those can kill a libido. There are a lot of threads on this subject - do some searching through the threads in the sex section, and in the marriage section. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 25, 2007 Share Posted September 25, 2007 Like I said previously, we're extremely compatible - except one huge area. Sex. You know, confused39, I'm the one that's confused when I read something like this. Since good sex involves so many other parts of the relationship - communication, security, consideration, warmth, emotion, maturity amongst others - I never understand when someone says we're great as a couple at everything except sex. It's the biggest contradiction in terms that I see posted on a regular basis here on LS. For instance, how can you be "extremely compatible" if he can't (or won't) understand how unloved and undesireable his failure to initiate makes you feel ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused39 Posted September 25, 2007 Author Share Posted September 25, 2007 That's an excellent point, Mr. Lucky. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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