He cheated, but why and what now?

[Fayi]

Hi, I just found this forum and I'm glad I did because I could really use any kind of advice right now...

 

 

I've been together with my fiance for almost 2,5 years, we don't get to see eachother a lot since we live in different countries(we're working on changing that, he's trying to move to me), but we got to spend our first whole summer together this year which was wonderful. We've a very serious relationship and we're talking about getting married, he wants to do it right now but I want to wait(I don't feel like there's any rush but he comes from a place where people usually marry eachother very fast), he doesn't understand why I'd want to wait and sometimes we fight over it, he's got quite a temperament and in the heat of the moment he's several times said our relationship will never work and that he wants us to break up. When he calms down he always calls me back, telling me how he regrets saying that, how he loves me, I'm his life and he would never leave me. This makes me confused and I would appriciate anyone's opinion on why he's acting like this, but here's the real issue:

 

 

Two days after I flew home from the place where we spent the summer together, he got very drunk and "accidentally" kissed a girl(or got kissed, he doesn't remember). I do believe accidents can happen, and I would really like to believe that was all it was but... but I believe that someone who's ready to settle down would never get so wasted that he'd completely lose his self-control. He knows how much this hurt me and our relationship and he swore never to do it again, and I believe him, it's just that I really feel that I need to know why it happened. I've asked and he says he doesn't know, and I know he's been beating himself over and over about how he could do something like this, but all he can say is 'I don't know'. My friends told me he probably just couldn't handle that I weren't there with him anymore, and in a moment of weakness he tried to find some kind of substitute. I'd like to add that he's the jealous type that is constantly asking my if I wear my engagement ring(I don't like the fact that he doesn't seem to trust me at times) and would never ever forgive me if I did to him what he did to me. Not that it matters, I think? I don't know why he did what he did, I just know that I would never do it no matter how lonely I were. It makes me question his love for me. I feel like he did it for a reason but I just can't figure it out, I already told him I've forgiven him but in order to move on I need to know why. Is this a bad approach, should I just try to let it go instead? This is my first serious relationship, and I feel completely clueless. I don't want to talk to him about it anymore because I feel like I'm just rubbing salt in the wound, and I don't get any wiser talking to him about it anyway. He just wants to forget it. I'd really appriciate your help on this, I don't know what to do.

[Javelin]

I'm sorry Fayi, but obviously your boyfriend has no self control and there's no real way to state otherwise. I'd hate to say it but, it's likely he could recall what occur'd that night vividly and the only reason he told you is because he's feeling guilty.

 

Yes, it's harsh, but where's my reasoning?

 

Well, typically, you should not blame mistakes on alcohol or try to use it, the substance, to solve your problems. That's the worst excuse in my opinion and if you use it; it just makes alcohol look bad when it did nothing wrong. It's you who are in the wrong.

 

Think about it,

If you crash your car while intoxicated; you still crashed your car, not the alcohol. If you can't control yourself under the influence, than you shouldn't consume it!

 

If you haven't noticed, have a very low tolerance cheaters (no pun intended). People do make mistakes, but on this level, to me, is inexcusable.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater and I think you deserve better than that!

[mental_traveller]

Well there are two bad signs here. Firstly, you are arguing and he is saying very hurtful things as a result. I don't care what someone says the next day when they apologise, people don't say things during an argument unless they mean them to some extent. If he talks about calling it off, then be sure part of him is thinking of that at the back of his mind. That isn't good.

 

Secondly, you are thinking seriously about marriage, and he is even pressuring you to do it, yet he has already cheated on you! And how do you know it's just kissing? How do you know it's just one time? Most cheaters have sex repeatedly, and then just say it was a kiss. Many cheaters, cheat more than once. Do you really want to marry someone like this?

 

This is your first relationship, and there are huge red flags going up. I say count your lucky stars that you didn't get married - that was wise of you to hold off. Get out before it's too late. This guy will promise it was just a mistake, and that he'll change and never do it again. But that's what *all* cheaters say. You can do better than this.

[norajane]

So, he's got a bad temper, is very jealous, and is in a rush to get married, but goes out and gets drunk and kisses people.

 

I'd say you're wise to hold off on the marriage. There really is no rush. Wait until he's moved to where you live and you really get a chance to know each other day in, and day out. You might find you can't tolerate his temper, or his jealous nature (both of which can make him turn out to be a very CONTROLLING husband).

 

Oh, but you asked about the kissing...well, they're related. His mercurial temper and his irrational jealousy all show that he doesn't have a lot of self-control. His immediate emotions take precedence over logic, reason, and plain common sense. So, yeah, I believe he's sorry, but he still did it, and because he can't explain it and because he has little mastery of his emotions, he's going to be a bad bet...he can promise he won't do it again, but he cannot guarantee that his he'll really be able to control himself the next time he's drunk and lonely (or horny).

 

If you are both older, I'd say forget him and move on...why waste your time on someone who hasn't learned self-control and to treat others with more respect? If you're both very young, it's possible he might, in time, learn to gain control of his temper and his actions, so maybe give it a chance...but don't marry him any time soon! At the same time, if you're young and this is your first relationship...I might say you should meet some other people and see if you are more compatible with someone else.

 

But, you don't sound like you want to leave him. So, proceed, with caution. He's not going to give you a much better explanation than he already has. Keep talking about it until you don't feel the need to bring it up anymore, but don't expect an explanation that makes sense - other than he was drunk and horny and had no self-control and wasn't thinking of you at that moment, but of the girl in front of him he was flirting with and kissing. If you can accept that explanation, then forgive him and move on...with caution...keep an eye out for other out-of-control behavior...