Need advice

[CC]

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He is a good hard working man who is a great father to our 2 children. The problem is that he has become so consumed with work and other things that he seems to have little room left for me in his life. As a result I have become more and more lonely and can feel myself falling out of love with him. I have tried endlessly to communicate my unhappiness and my need for the romance and passion to be back in our lives, that I have this huge emotional void in me but he has been unable to understand or make any effort to work at what I/we need back in our relationship. We have even tried counseling and the counselor has told him he needs to get his priorities straight or the odds are I will leave him. I began a friendship with another man this past summer who was going some of the same things in his marriage. We understood each other so well and had so much in common. We were like two puzzle peices that fit together perfectly on everything. The friendship of course began to lead to very deep feelings for each other. Yes there was a sexual tension but nothing ever happened. It was the intimacy on an emotional level that we shared that led to feelings that were, lets say - dangerous. We decided to take a step back from the friendship so that we could really focus on our own marriages because we both do love and respect our spouses but it has been extremely difficult to "get over" each other. We barely talk but when we do it is apparent that we miss each other desperately and wish we could keep the friendship. Its not just a case of the grass is greener......because it scared us to death how in sync we were. We had even said that neither one of us wants to be the reason the other one leaves their marriage ( there was so much unhappiness on both sides even before we met) but that if we both woke up divorced tomorrow we would want to be together. My husband and i continue to go to counseling but I feel my heart just isn't in it anymore. There has been no effort on my husbands part and although I have no expectations with regard to my friend, I feel like I can't sell myself short anymore. I feel like such a rotten person but its hard to know what to do. Has anyone every felt like this? Am I being selfish? Could I be too out of focus still to really work on my marriage? I would appreciate any words of wisom anyone mught want to share.

[Cecilie]

I recenty saw some program on TV about relationships. There was one statistic that said 1/3 of partners in married couples have had short or long term adulterous affairs! I think the problem with this is that the desire to have affaris comes from frustration and a feeling of lack inyour committed relationship.

 

Your husband's distance may have nothing to do with you. It may have to do with depression (clinical or situational) or maybe even existential angst! But the tenor of your letter leads me to believe you don't really want to continue in the marriage. If you've lost hope, the relationship is dead. Bottom line. Even though you withdrew from the other relationship, it sounds like you've already become emotionally attatched!

 

I was talking to a friend who is getting a divorce yesterday. She said that sometimes people just don't fit any more. Sometimes you develop and grow at different paces. the healthy relationship allows for that change an is about two independent people being together through choice rather than a feeling of mutual obligation or physicality.

 

read this article: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/11/16/guru/index.html

 

After reviewing your options, the choice is completely yours. I mean, I can say it's better to stay married and try to work things out, but if your heart's not in it, there's no point in beating a dead horse.

[A]

Thanks so much for your input. It does seem that we are both in very similar situations. I have tried desperately in the past to tell him how I feel about things, and that I am craving romance and attention from him, and he might be a little better for a couple of days, but then its right back into the same old same old.

 

Unlike your husband being consumed by his work, mine loves to be out with his friends, golfing, playing pool, whatever. I am positive that he is not cheating on me, he would never do that, but it has come to the point that I feel like his friends are coming before me and the kids. For a long time I bitched and complained every time he went out, but now its gotten to the point that I cant wait to see him leave.

 

Unfortunately, I look at him more like a family member that I have to love, but not as someone who I am madly in love with any more. Would I be upset if we got divorced? Yes, probably, but do the benefits of staying outweigh the benefits of leaving?

 

I am 27 years old, and I still have a few single friends who are pulling their hair out trying to find a husband...with 2 kids thrown into the mix, I don't want to be in that situation. I have never really been the type of woman who has always "needed" a man, but it has been so long since I have been out in that dating scene seriously looking, I don't know if I could handle it.

 

Ugghhh, well sorry to take up so much of your time, but I guess it is nice to air out some problems like this to someone who can understand, oh and by the way, he is NOT open to counseling at all, we tried it once before, and it didnt work out well for either one of us...

 

Please keep in touch...thanks

 

A

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He is a good hard working man who is a great father to our 2 children. The problem is that he has become so consumed with work and other things that he seems to have little room left for me in his life. As a result I have become more and more lonely and can feel myself falling out of love with him. I have tried endlessly to communicate my unhappiness and my need for the romance and passion to be back in our lives, that I have this huge emotional void in me but he has been unable to understand or make any effort to work at what I/we need back in our relationship. We have even tried counseling and the counselor has told him he needs to get his priorities straight or the odds are I will leave him. I began a friendship with another man this past summer who was going some of the same things in his marriage. We understood each other so well and had so much in common. We were like two puzzle peices that fit together perfectly on everything. The friendship of course began to lead to very deep feelings for each other. Yes there was a sexual tension but nothing ever happened. It was the intimacy on an emotional level that we shared that led to feelings that were, lets say - dangerous. We decided to take a step back from the friendship so that we could really focus on our own marriages because we both do love and respect our spouses but it has been extremely difficult to "get over" each other. We barely talk but when we do it is apparent that we miss each other desperately and wish we could keep the friendship. Its not just a case of the grass is greener......because it scared us to death how in sync we were. We had even said that neither one of us wants to be the reason the other one leaves their marriage ( there was so much unhappiness on both sides even before we met) but that if we both woke up divorced tomorrow we would want to be together. My husband and i continue to go to counseling but I feel my heart just isn't in it anymore. There has been no effort on my husbands part and although I have no expectations with regard to my friend, I feel like I can't sell myself short anymore. I feel like such a rotten person but its hard to know what to do. Has anyone every felt like this? Am I being selfish? Could I be too out of focus still to really work on my marriage? I would appreciate any words of wisom anyone mught want to share.