I Left Him And Now I'm Crying...

[Ocean-Blue]

Hello LSers:

 

As of late, I've been plagued with a great deal of emotions regarding my ex.

 

Let me provide you with some background information...

 

My ex and I were together for almost a decade. We basically grew up together (met as teens). He was my best friend (my confidant, the one person I could turn to in a time of need). While he was the ideal mate in every single aspect (very good looking, respectable background, intelligent and ambitious and academically accomplished, and so on), something was missing. I just wasn't in love with the guy! And for the love of me, I just couldn't get there. And over the years, this feeling just got worse.

 

For various reasons (my dependency on him, family) we didn't break up. I stuck it out fully intending to marry him.

 

And then along came someone from my past. A man I dated very briefly A LONG TIME AGO (we were both kids). I broke it off with him back then. Anyway, we somehow ran into each other via the wonderful world wide web. One thing led to another and I found myself getting all giddy and excited from just talking to him.

 

Before things got any weirder, I talked to my ex. I told him that I was having these feelings (this was not new to our relationship) and that I needed time to figure out why I feel this way...at this point it had nothing to do with the guy from my past). My ex got all upset and said, let's just cut our losses and move on (basically that he couldn't wait around forever).

 

Anyway, we broke up. Mind you, we were a couple that broke up MANY, MANY times...and I suspect my ex thought this was the same old. Anyway, I immediately began pursuing something the other guy (who is now my boyfriend).

 

But my God was it hell... My ex kept calling me crying wanting to get back. Me, I was far too busy starting a relationship with someone...so much so that I wasn't mostly numb to the break up.

 

And now... I find myself bawling. All the time! I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my ex...but I am so torn over how it happened. I am haunted by the memories I share with him. What's worse is that I keep going over everything I did to him (how cruel I was at times, how indifferent, how disrespectful).

 

And now he's gone. He and I are no longer friends. He wants nothing to do with me. He's moved on (he's with someone else...someone he is going to marry most likely). I'm very grateful for this person in his life (if she wasn't in it, he'd still hurt a great deal over the demise of our relationship).

 

I love my boyfriend very much. So there is no romantic pining away for the ex... But the friendship...that, I cannot get over. I cry over the guilt and the friendship. My bf tries to help me through this...but as you can imagine, it's somewhat weird for him to comfort his gf while she bawls over her ex. It's such a weird, f'ed up situation!

 

I miss my friend. I miss the hugs and the talks. I miss his dumb jokes. But I can honestly say I can live without his friendship. It's the fact that he wants nothing to with me that hurts. But the WORST THING...the freakin' memories (the good times, remembering how I treated him like absolute **** near the end). And now, it's like he died. And I can't do anything about it.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

[Darkzen]

This sounds an awful lot like what happened to me recently. I believe that you handled the situation much better than my ex-GF did, but I can't blame him for hating you... he basically wasted a good portion of his life thinking that you were the one for him. Not to mention that I doubt you tried to work things out before jumping ship to the new guy (I.E. discuss why you didn't feel in love with him any more and see if it was something that you two could've fixed).

 

I don't want anything to do with my ex, maybe it's because she did me wrong, but I just think it's easier for the other person to just move on... you being around would probably only cause him pain and make it take longer for him to move on.

 

Personally, it sounds like your ego is hurt. Why would this guy not want anything to do with someone that they spent a decade with, after they broke his heart and then when he tried to make it work you treated him coldly? I'm sorry, but I really don't feel any sympathy for you if this is an ego issue.

[oppath]

I feel bad for you, but I am more in his shoes. I really don't want anything to do with women who dump me if it was a non-mutual breakup and if they didn't communicate their feelings before deciding to jump ship. If you communicate to me what is lacking or not working, and we try to make it happen, and it isn't, then even if I still want the relationship to continue, at least it wouldn't have felt like a unilateral decision.

 

That said: you feel guilt. Of course your ex is someone you'd still want to have in your life; you were with him a long time and the qualities that attracted to him are still there. Understand that it is BEST for HIM to not have anything to do with him...and it is because he cares and values you. It would just be too much to handle. You can't be friends with someone you love and want a relationship with who does not feel the same about you: period.

 

I'd honestly suggest therapy to help move past this, as it may interfere with your current relationship. You seem to think it makes you a bad person that he doesn't want to be your friend. It does not. Most likely he thinks you are incredible, which is why he doesn't want to be your friend.

[Ocean-Blue]

This sounds an awful lot like what happened to me recently. I believe that you handled the situation much better than my ex-GF did, but I can't blame him for hating you... he basically wasted a good portion of his life thinking that you were the one for him. Not to mention that I doubt you tried to work things out before jumping ship to the new guy (I.E. discuss why you didn't feel in love with him any more and see if it was something that you two could've fixed).

 

I don't want anything to do with my ex, maybe it's because she did me wrong, but I just think it's easier for the other person to just move on... you being around would probably only cause him pain and make it take longer for him to move on.

 

Personally, it sounds like your ego is hurt. Why would this guy not want anything to do with someone that they spent a decade with, after they broke his heart and then when he tried to make it work you treated him coldly? I'm sorry, but I really don't feel any sympathy for you if this is an ego issue.

 

Hi Darkzen:

 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.

 

I can say with great certainty that this is not an ego thing. While I'm curious about his new gf, I am not jealous (nor do I compare myself to her).

 

Also, I was not in love with him from the start. We began dating at such a young age, and before I knew, I found myself talking about marriage. He was well aware of how I felt (we talked the issue to death). We questioned why I felt this way...and at the end of it, we both were left with many questions unanswered. We basically swept all of this stuff under the rug, with the naive hope that things would simply get better.

 

I totally understand that he was hurt and does not want anything to do with me. I sincerely hope he doesn't hate me, but after the way I treated him near the end, I would not be surprised. But he's the type of guy that is full of love and forgiveness...so perhaps somewhere down the line he'll forgive me.

 

Mind you, I DID NOT cheat on him. I was honest with him from the beginning. Like I said above, we had problems quite early on. And I was always frank about my feelings (somethings as bit too honest). But I never cheated (for what it's worth).

 

I am happy he's moved on and is looking towards the future with hope (something he was sorely lacking months into our breakup). I know our relationship was emotionally intense and having me in his life would just hold him back.

 

It's not even about establishing a relationship with him now. It's the memories. They are haunting me. It's like I can feel his pain...or the pain he felt when I more or less dumped him (although initially it seemed mutual w/ him saying let's just forget it...but we both know that just us being "us" and that he really didn't see it as a break up). I don't know if that makes sense, but it's like I can feel, quite intensely at times, the betrayal and sadness he must've felt when all this went down.

 

 

I think about that and I cry. Just like you'd cry after someone you love died. You regret things you said and did.

 

I was such a bitch. I can only hope that the woman he's with now treats him like the man he is.

[Travis L]

Deleted by poster

[Ocean-Blue]

I feel bad for you, but I am more in his shoes. I really don't want anything to do with women who dump me if it was a non-mutual breakup and if they didn't communicate their feelings before deciding to jump ship. If you communicate to me what is lacking or not working, and we try to make it happen, and it isn't, then even if I still want the relationship to continue, at least it wouldn't have felt like a unilateral decision.

 

That said: you feel guilt. Of course your ex is someone you'd still want to have in your life; you were with him a long time and the qualities that attracted to him are still there. Understand that it is BEST for HIM to not have anything to do with him...and it is because he cares and values you. It would just be too much to handle. You can't be friends with someone you love and want a relationship with who does not feel the same about you: period.

 

I'd honestly suggest therapy to help move past this, as it may interfere with your current relationship. You seem to think it makes you a bad person that he doesn't want to be your friend. It does not. Most likely he thinks you are incredible, which is why he doesn't want to be your friend.

 

Thanks for responding oppath!

 

My ex was aware of the issues and tried to help me get past it...but it was just one of those insurmountable things: chemistry. You either have it or you don't.

 

I find comfort in the fact that he's OK (I'm guessing as much b/c based on our last conversations from months ago, he told me he was happy and truly moving on).

 

I never really had a chance to mourn the end of this relationship (b/c I was so consumed with my new relationship). I don't know that therapy is something I need right now (at least not for another few weeks). I'm going to see how much longer these bouts of crying are going to last. And then perhaps, I will see a therapist.

[CaliGuy]

I miss my friend. I miss the hugs and the talks. I miss his dumb jokes. But I can honestly say I can live without his friendship. It's the fact that he wants nothing to with me that hurts. But the WORST THING...the freakin' memories (the good times, remembering how I treated him like absolute **** near the end). And now, it's like he died. And I can't do anything about it.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

 

I'm not exactly sure I understand what you're trying to get over. The loss of a friend, the relationship, etc?

 

10 years is a long time to spend with someone and waffle like that.

 

You sound a lot like my ex. Did the same thing to me (just not 10 years worth. No way I would stay in a relationship that long that was not going anywhere no matter how much I loved them).

 

I will try and put it in perspective for you. Your ex wants nothing to do with you because it HURTS to think about how much he loved you. Nothing stings quite like unrequited love. Nothing.

 

I lost my mom, but when she died, I know she died still loving me.

My ex leaving me a few weeks later, that hurt worse. And you know why?

 

Because I was living knowing that she rejected the deepest love I had ever felt for someone. She did not die loving me. She just walked away.

 

Men who have experienced this type of rejection, especially if they had every intention of getting married, do not want the memories hanging around anymore. And to have you in his life would be a constant reminder of love unrequited.

 

Do you know what the opposite of love it? It's not hate, it's indifference. You were indifferent to your ex. He realizes that and he does not want a constant reminder of this in his life.

 

Sometimes, in order to get someone out of your system and remove the pain you have forceably remove them from your life. That is why your ex is doing -- and he feels that is necessary to move on with his life.

 

If you truly care about the guy and his happiness you'll respect his desire to not have you in his life in any way, shape or form. He gave you 10 years of complete love. The least you can do for him is honor his request for space.

 

Cheers.

[Ocean-Blue]

CaliGuy:

 

Thank you for the very insightful post.

 

I'm trying to get over the guilt and the memories. I guess things are only sinking in now - how much I've hurt him. For the longest time I was numb (some may call it indifference). I never saw him as hurt as he was when we broke up (crying, doubting himself, questioning everything around him, wondering how he'd move on). And what did I do to help him? Absolutely nothing. I just cut him out completely. I played the "good friend" role - but I can tell you, most of it was just a bunch of bull****. I was a royal bitch. This is what I can't seem to get over.

 

Of course there is the friendship. Many of our friends commented on how incredible we were as a couple (little did they know). They figured all was well with us. And aside from the chemistry, I guess you could say we were the ideal couple (which is why I stayed). And of course for him, he was holding on to that sliver of hope that one day things would work out (as was I).

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your ex walking out on you (I don't the details) - but I can only imagine that it hurt like hell. I think, if this is how I feel about our friendship, how must my ex have felt (someone who not only loved me as a friend, but someone who saw me as his romantic ideal).

 

Like I've said, I totally respect him never wanting any contact with me. I get it. At first I was asking myself, "WHY?!" I was selfish enough to actually have the gall to ask that question to myself! Now of course, I get it. I know he has to move on (and he will fully move on).

 

His new gf, from the little that he told me a while back, seems so much better suited for him than I ever was.

 

So you see, all these tears are not over the present (he's moved on, so have I). It's about the past. I am stuck in the past and I can't get out of it.

 

But I have to tell you, a part of me is relieved. I thought I was a monster for the longest time for not feeling anything. In that way, I'm grateful (as twisted as that sounds).

 

I can't imagine what you must've gone through though...to lose your mom and then have your gf walk out on you. I assume you want nothing to do with her now.

 

Again, thank you so much for sharing with me!

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy:

 

Thank you for the very insightful post.

 

I'm trying to get over the guilt and the memories. I guess things are only sinking in now - how much I've hurt him. For the longest time I was numb (some may call it indifference). I never saw him as hurt as he was when we broke up (crying, doubting himself, questioning everything around him, wondering how he'd move on). And what did I do to help him? Absolutely nothing. I just cut him out completely. I played the "good friend" role - but I can tell you, most of it was just a bunch of bull****. I was a royal bitch. This is what I can't seem to get over.

 

You emotionally checked out of the relationship well before you left so any interactions with him where he expected you to love him back annoyed you, so you acted that way. Not saying it was OK to do so. The better part of valor would have been to end the relationship the minute you knew it wasn't for you. But, hindsight is 20/20 they say.

 

Of course there is the friendship. Many of our friends commented on how incredible we were as a couple (little did they know). They figured all was well with us. And aside from the chemistry, I guess you could say we were the ideal couple (which is why I stayed). And of course for him, he was holding on to that sliver of hope that one day things would work out (as was I).

 

This is the one issue I have with people who stick around in a relationship when they know it's not for them. It's one thing to hope, but if you know he or she isn't the one, why delay the inevitable? My ex seemed to know from the start that I wasn't the guy. She says she gave it her best effort but more or less stuck it out because she felt sorry for me. I'm thinking "Ugh, please don't do me any favors!" I had doubts too but because she was sticking around, I thought she really wanted it to work. It would have been much better for us both had she just been honest.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your ex walking out on you (I don't the details) - but I can only imagine that it hurt like hell. I think, if this is how I feel about our friendship, how must my ex have felt (someone who not only loved me as a friend, but someone who saw me as his romantic ideal).

 

Thanks and no worries.

 

If you want to know exactly how your ex is feeling, imagine someone ripping your heart out, tossing it on the ground, jumping up and down on it and doing a dance similar to Terrell Owens celebrating a touchdown. That's exactly the kind of pain your ex felt when you broke his heart.

 

Like I've said, I totally respect him never wanting any contact with me. I get it. At first I was asking myself, "WHY?!" I was selfish enough to actually have the gall to ask that question to myself! Now of course, I get it. I know he has to move on (and he will fully move on).

 

In order for him to heal and move on, he has to have his past removed. As long as you are around in his life, his past will never become "past", it will always be present. Healing comes when the past is dead and buried. In your case, he doesn't want you dead. He just wants you to leave him alone and enjoy your new life so that he can do the same.

 

His new gf, from the little that he told me a while back, seems so much better suited for him than I ever was.

 

It's irrelevant and you should not concern yourself with what's going on in his life. When you walked away, much like my ex did, you gave up your rights to his life. And while I am sure you care, it's just not your business anymore because HE doesn't want it be. That is what you have to respect here is his feelings. For years, you did not validate his feelings. By leaving him alone, you will show him that you really do care about his well being.

 

So you see, all these tears are not over the present (he's moved on, so have I). It's about the past. I am stuck in the past and I can't get out of it.

 

You are feeling guilt. That's normal. If it's at the point where you are crying a lot, then the best suggestion I can make for you is counseling. Don't do anything to interrupt your ex's healing. Leave him be to live his life.

 

But I have to tell you, a part of me is relieved. I thought I was a monster for the longest time for not feeling anything. In that way, I'm grateful (as twisted as that sounds).

 

Maybe your feelings are just being delayed. I do think there may be a tad of jealousy (though you don't seem so) and that is what is hitting you. He is moving on with his life, as well you should expect, and it's bothering you.

 

I can't imagine what you must've gone through though...to lose your mom and then have your gf walk out on you. I assume you want nothing to do with her now.

 

What happened with you and your ex is similar to me and mine, only it wasn't 10 years, it was two. No, I do not want anything to do with her though some people on LS would disagree. My point in sharing is that I think I have a pretty good idea of how your ex is feeling. My thread in this same forum, well the circumstances aren't exactly the same but the way your ex is feeling about you, that's how I feel about mine.

 

She chose to walk away, she needs to accept it and leave me alone (she's hitting my web site on a regular basis and it's bothering me). I don't want my ex prying into my personal life. That is what she gave up when she returned the engagement ring. The ring was a symbol of my desire to share my life with her, and she turned her nose up at it.

 

I accepted her desire to not want me in her life and want to share it with me. From that moment on, I gave her the space she desired and did my best to erase her from my life. She also has to accept the consequences for rejecting me which is simply that she will not have access to my life anymore.

 

With men, things are usually black and white. You either want me or you do not. If you decide to not want me, then you have no access to me or my life whatsoever.

 

That is what your ex is trying to tell you. That and he wants to move on with his life and the only way to do that is to remove you from his completely.

 

My ex chose to walk out on me at the lowest point in my life. I still have a hard time forgiving her for that, though for the most part I am over it. She did what she felt she needed to do and I survived and became a better, stronger person because of it. I can't say that I regret what happened because I do believe God intended things to be this way. It was a hard lesson I learned about LOVE and LIFE.

 

Again, thank you so much for sharing with me!

 

You're welcome. You may want to make an appointment to see a Counselor. At least go to a couple sessions to help work this out of your system.

[Ocean-Blue]

CaliGuy! Wow, everything you said in your post…they’re all things my ex has said to me at the start of the break up (and some of them things I know he thought or would say to me now if he could).

 

"You emotionally checked out of the relationship well before you left so any interactions with him where he expected you to love him back annoyed you, so you acted that way...The better part of valor would have been to end the relationship the minute you knew it wasn't for you."

 

I did emotionally “check out” long before the actual break up. But my ex was fully aware of this. I’d spend nights on the phone with him where I’d cry and tell him I wasn’t happy and that I wanted more in life. In fact, during one of our breaks, we tried to see other people. It didn’t end up happening (he was quite upset and didn’t want to go through with it).

 

A part of me would like to believe that I tried my best to make that relationship work. But if I were being really honest with myself, I know that I did not do everything I could’ve to make it work. Had I actually worked on it, we may still be together (and on our way to getting married next year). And while I didn’t have the ring yet, I was considered his fiancé by his family (and him by mine).

 

I guess chemistry for me was a non-negotiable. If it wasn’t there, I didn’t want the relationship. Sadly, our friendship was a casualty.

 

"It's one thing to hope, but if you know he or she isn't the one, why delay the inevitable? My ex seemed to know from the start that I wasn't the guy. She says she gave it her best effort but more or less stuck it out because she felt sorry for me."

 

Our relationship was complicated right from the get go. While I wasn’t in love with him, there was a part of me that was sure we could make it work. And he believed it too. NEVER did I stay with him out of pity (he would never had stayed if that were the case). I loved him for many reasons (his sincerity, his ability to see the good in people, his faith in me, his love for my family, his constant strive to do good in general, etc). I never could have stayed for as long as I did otherwise. A great part of our relationship (90%+) was spent trying to figure out what to do. I couldn't decide either way.

 

And I'm ashamed to say, but had my bf not walked into my life, I think I would've stayed with my ex (simply b/c I wouldn't know any better). If someone had told me that I could fall in love, that I could have chemistry with a man, I'd have laughed and told them they were crazy...that they totally didn't know me.

"If you want to know exactly how your ex is feeling, imagine someone ripping your heart out, tossing it on the ground, jumping up and down on it..."

 

During the initial stage of our break up, this is, more or less, what he said it felt like (the ripping out and stomping part). He was in so much pain - so much so that I couldn't even identify with it. It was such an intense phase for him - and it frankly annoyed me at times . Of course now I cry for him...for not being there for him and for not giving him the respect he deserved - for not giving him the respect our relationship deserved.

 

"When you walked away, much like my ex did, you gave up your rights to his life. And while I am sure you care, it's just not your business anymore because HE doesn't want it be."

 

I totally get I don’t have the “right” to his life. I am no longer privy to information about him. And I’m honestly fine with that. Like I said, it’s not the present that I have a problem with.

 

"Maybe your feelings are just being delayed. I do think there may be a tad of jealousy (though you don't seem so) and that is what is hitting you. He is moving on with his life, as well you should expect, and it's bothering you."

 

I can honestly say there is no jealously on my part. None whatsoever. I saw how he was when our relationship ended. He was a totally broken man who thought his life was (emotionally) over. I NEVER want anyone I love to go through that. I’m both relieved (for selfish reasons) and happy that he has moved on and has someone in his life. No one should ever go through that kind of pain!

 

"With men, things are usually black and white. You either want me or you do not. If you decide to not want me, then you have no access to me or my life whatsoever."

[FONT=&quot]This is EXACTLY what my ex would say. In fact, when we were talking back and forth after the break up, he said that he was sad for “us” b/c he knew that once he fully mourned and got over the relationship, he’d walk away forever and never look back b/c that’s how men work.

 

How true those words ring now.

"My ex chose to walk out on me at the lowest point in my life. I still have a hard time forgiving her for that, though for the most part I am over it. She did what she felt she needed to do and I survived and became a better, stronger person because of it. I can't say that I regret what happened because I do believe God intended things to be this way. It was a hard lesson I learned about LOVE and LIFE."

 

I don’t know how you can forgive a person for walking out on you in such a time of need. While I'm not saint (clearly) I don't think I could ever do that. But hey, I never thought I'd dump my best friend and break his heart either, so who knows!

 

Again, thanks a lot for listening. Your posts have been very insightful and helpful (particularly b/c you seem to think along the same lines as my ex). I know for him, his strong faith and ultimate love for God helped him get through this very ****ty time in his life.

 

I just have to learn to be grateful that things turned out the way they did (both of us moving on) and not lament as much. He's gone and I know that. Hell I've accepted it. I just want the memories to stop haunting me. And I want the bloody guilt to go away. It's eating me up inside.

 

These intense emotions come in waves for me. It’s like everything is fine and them "BAM" I remember his pain. And the crying happens all over again…

 

EDIT: the bold screwed up the text again! Gah.

[CaliGuy]

OB you sound a lot like my ex and I think I can relate in many ways to why you are feeling this way. But I agree, you can't force chemistry. I know that the point and time in my life when we were togther as a couple, I wasn't totally together as a person and therefore not really ideal marriage material.

 

If it makes you feel better, if indeed he is a man of faith, God will take good care of him. God never puts us through anything in life we can not endure. The adage "What does not kill me will only make me stronger" rings true. But it's God who allows us to walk through these trials, through the "Valley of the Shadow of Death" so that we become the people He wants us to be.

 

Nothing I've accomplished in my life can be attributed to me and me alone. Without God in my life I would never have amounted to a hill of beans.

 

Your ex will be fine. What he wants and needs is for you to leave him alone. You will eventually get over your guilt, I am sure. You are experiencing regret.

 

If I can forgive my ex for what she did to me, he can forgive you for what you did to him.

 

"There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys. There's only you and me and we just disagree...."

[Ocean-Blue]

OB you sound a lot like my ex and I think I can relate in many ways to why you are feeling this way. But I agree, you can't force chemistry. I know that the point and time in my life when we were togther as a couple, I wasn't totally together as a person and therefore not really ideal marriage material.

 

If it makes you feel better, if indeed he is a man of faith, God will take good care of him. God never puts us through anything in life we can not endure. The adage "What does not kill me will only make me stronger" rings true. But it's God who allows us to walk through these trials, through the "Valley of the Shadow of Death" so that we become the people He wants us to be.

 

Nothing I've accomplished in my life can be attributed to me and me alone. Without God in my life I would never have amounted to a hill of beans.

 

Your ex will be fine. What he wants and needs is for you to leave him alone. You will eventually get over your guilt, I am sure. You are experiencing regret.

 

If I can forgive my ex for what she did to me, he can forgive you for what you did to him.

 

"There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys. There's only you and me and we just disagree...."

 

Thanks for the words of comfort. I know he'll be OK (guys like that never stay down for long!).

 

Good luck to you in your endeavors (jeez, I sound like I'm going somewhere).

 

[CaliGuy]

Thanks for the words of comfort. I know he'll be OK (guys like that never stay down for long!).

 

Good luck to you in your endeavors (jeez, I sound like I'm going somewhere).

 

 

Your welcome. If you have some time, read the thread I started in this forum called "So I had enough..."

 

You'd be able to give a good perspective because if you are in my ex's shoes in some respects.

 

I would be interested in your opinion on her behavior and my reaction.

 

Thanks!

[Darkzen]

I'm sorry, but now that you're clarifying things even more... I feel even less sympathy for your troubles. You seem like a reasonable person and I'm really not trying to be a prick, I'm just a straight shooter.

 

You basically lived a lie for 10 years (not loving this poor guy). You should have ended the relationship the minute you knew of this problem. By not doing so, you were lying to him (as well as yourself). Relationships are commitments that are based on a few key things... one of those is chemistry, otherwise it's just a friendship.

 

I'd also disagree, this is precisely an ego issue. You feel bad for your actions and want to know how to deal with it, in order to make you feel better. I don't see much of a concern for him, you've made that abundantly clear, based on some of the things you've said. It's all about you and your feelings. I'm not saying this to attack you, I just want you to see it from another perspective.

 

You're not fully to blame for this situation though. Both of you should have realized that the relationship had a pretty epic problem in the beginning and probably not even tried or decided to just be friends.

 

All that said, leave the poor guy alone. You both made a mistake and it's time to accept it and move on. Sure the mistake was huge (10 years and all), but it's still a mistake... take what you can from it and understand that **** happens.

[Ocean-Blue]

Darken:

 

No, you are not being a prick. I welcome all responses (I value differing perspectives).

 

Perhaps I did live a lie. I'd say it was more like me living in denial and praying and hoping that things would get better...how naive I was!

 

Trust me, I wanted to end the relationship much earlier on (and said as much). Like I said, we broke up MANY times (with him, save for one time, always wanting to work it out).

 

You feel bad for your actions and want to know how to deal with it, in order to make you feel better. I don't see much of a concern for him, you've made that abundantly clear, based on some of the things you've said. It's all about you and your feelings. I'm not saying this to attack you, I just want you to see it from another perspective.

 

Honestly, I have no idea if this is an ego thing or not. All I know is the pain and regret I feel in how I handled things near the end. I just wish I could take back the pain I caused him...

 

All that said, leave the poor guy alone.

 

Oh yeah, I've left him alone for a while now. No contact (no calls, no emails, nothing). We are both strangers to one another now.

 

C'est la vie.

 

Thanks again for posting!

[Darkzen]

OB,

 

Yeah, I totally understand the situation. It's probably almost identical to mine... except chemistry was probably the least of our problems. My ex had a lot of issues. We had a story book romance the first week of our relationship. I caught her off-guard and she didn't put up her defenses yet. Once they came up though, it was all downhill. We broke up a ton also.

 

She never let me in and after she cheated on for the 3rd time I was never the same. It sucks because her defense made her indifferent about a lot of things, so she wouldn't get attached and hurt. She was self-destructive because she wanted to do the hurting before anyone got the chance to hurt her. After a while, I believe the relationship became something we just got accustom to. I think we both finally got fed up and felt the risk of starting over, outweighed continuing the facade.

 

I told her to get out the last time I saw her (we were living about 200 miles away while I'm in school), she begged me to stay... then two months later she broke up with me over the phone.

 

The more I look at how dysfunctional the relationship was the more I'm glad it's over. I'm still hurt that she didn't have the respect to break up with me in person and pissed off because I wasted 9 years on a lost cause, but it happens. She was a great girl when those defenses were down and it's a shame. I think back and TBH, things went downhill right after someone in line at six flags said "oh that's so cute, you guys are in love" towards the end of our first week together. I believe that's when her defenses came up. I can see it in my head right now, she did a total 180 right after that lady made the comment.

[Ocean-Blue]

We had a story book romance the first week of our relationship. I caught her off-guard and she didn't put up her defenses yet.

 

Ours was never really the story book romance kind of love. There were times, I have to admit, when I felt like I was in love with him (but these moments were so brief, so momentary that they didn't materialize into anything substantial).

 

She was self-destructive because she wanted to do the hurting before anyone got the chance to hurt her. After a while, I believe the relationship became something we just got accustom to. I think we both finally got fed up and felt the risk of starting over, outweighed continuing the facade.

 

I can be like that too. Somehow, I have to be the bitchier one...I hate being vulnerable or being taken advantage of. Mind you, I've never been hurt by a man, and yet, I have this need to out wit, out last the guy. If he throws something at me, I throw it back at it him.

 

For us, the fear of starting over, the uncertainty, greatly contributed to us staying together for as long as we did. Had we known there were other options, that there is a world outside of "us", perhaps we'd still be friends today.

 

That's something I learned after breaking up with him: talking to others (no matter how unsavory/unpleasant their take may be) is golden. I have learned the value of hearing differing opinions - it's helped me grow a great deal (with a long way to go!). We thought, we have each other, so why let others in? We dealt with problems ourselves...w/out really gaining any perspective - this was the death of us in some ways.

 

I told her to get out the last time I saw her (we were living about 200 miles away while I'm in school), she begged me to stay... then two months later she broke up with me over the phone.

I broke up with my ex over IM. Actually, at that point it was mutual. But it was really over the phone when it hit home for him. He begged for us to break up in person...to talk things out; he was hoping that seeing him would bring back a flood of good memories - enough to make me want to make it work. I refused. I told him I had to move on. And I trampled on his feelings, his sense of self, and his love for me in the process.

 

The more I look at how dysfunctional the relationship was the more I'm glad it's over. I'm still hurt that she didn't have the respect to break up with me in person and pissed off because I wasted 9 years on a lost cause, but it happens. She was a great girl when those defenses were down and it's a shame.

 

My ex would say the same thing. I know he is happier now. He thinks our breakup, in the end, was for the best. But he had to go through hell to realize this.

 

He's a straight shooter (the non-bull****ting kind). If he commits to a woman, he sticks it out to the end - no matter what! He works it out. He's just that kind of guy. And he just couldn't fathom how I could just walk away, after the years and the emotional investments on both of our parts. He saw it as the ultimate betrayal. He often told me that I might as well have cheated on him, because it often felt like I had cheated on him.

 

=O(

 

I think back and TBH, things went downhill right after someone in line at six flags said "oh that's so cute, you guys are in love" towards the end of our first week together. I believe that's when her defenses came up. I can see it in my head right now, she did a total 180 right after that lady made the comment.

 

That sounds so eerie. You know what they say about the evil eye...and a good thing getting jinxed because someone says something about it...bla, bla, bla. I guess it scared her...made her think "Am I really in love with this guy?"

 

Thanks for your input Darkzen!

[tinke]

sorry, but i do not have much sympathy! first, you chose to stay in the relationship for 10 yrs., keeping it a "couples" relationship, not friendship.

 

although you spoke to him about your indifference, at that point, you were already ready to leave...did he even have the opportunity to make some changes? why wait until that point? you already had someone else on your mind...not fair to your ex!

 

your ex doesn't want a reminder of you because i am sure he is in disbelief, and deeply saddened that you disregarded him and disrespected the bond.

i find it very cold and callous the way it had ended...how do you expect him to act?

 

what do you think he felt? when you were busy consumed with another, he was dealing with his own pain from the break-up. why do you feel you should be relieved from yours?

 

sorry, but there have been those of us that were treated very coldly towards the end, and THIS is the karma we speak of!

[sb129]

OB, can I just clarify- is the ex the guy who you didn't sleep with?

 

In another thread you said you had slept with your current BF, but hadn't with your ex. you were with him for 10yrs without full sex at all?

[Ocean-Blue]

Thanks for posting tinke!

sorry, but i do not have much sympathy! first, you chose to stay in the relationship for 10 yrs., keeping it a "couples" relationship, not friendship.

 

I am not looking for sympathy - I am well aware of how badly I hurt him. While I knew on some level that I wasn't really in love with him, I still wasn't sure either way. I was plagued with confusion throughout most of it (and like I said, let him in on this throughout most of the relationship).

 

Also, b/c of my lack of experience with relationships and our surface compatibility, I stayed (as did he) - b/c we figured we'd make it work. I never stayed with the knowledge that one day I'd drop him.

 

although you spoke to him about your indifference, at that point, you were already ready to leave...did he even have the opportunity to make some changes? why wait until that point? you already had someone else on your mind...not fair to your ex!

 

I totally agree with you on this! Although I know there was nothing he could do to fix things for us (after all, if we couldn't fix it during the almost 10 years we were together...then why would it suddenly be fixed now)?

 

I feel incredibly guilty about this. I know I had the gusto to leave BECAUSE there was someone else there, waiting for me (someone I knew I REALLY wanted to be with).

 

your ex doesn't want a reminder of you because i am sure he is in disbelief, and deeply saddened that you disregarded him and disrespected the bond.

 

i find it very cold and callous the way it had ended...how do you expect him to act?

 

Again, you're totally right. Sigh... I was cold and callous.

 

what do you think he felt? when you were busy consumed with another, he was dealing with his own pain from the break-up. why do you feel you should be relieved from yours?

sorry, but there have been those of us that were treated very coldly towards the end, and THIS is the karma we speak of!

 

I agree...this is karma rearing her ugly head. And I guess I have to deal with it, one way or another. I'm not really looking for people to assuage my guilt...I guess it helps to hear from the "other side".

 

Thanks again for taking the time to post!

[Ocean-Blue]

OB, can I just clarify- is the ex the guy who you didn't sleep with?

 

In another thread you said you had slept with your current BF, but hadn't with your ex. you were with him for 10yrs without full sex at all?

 

Hey sb129!

 

Yes, this is the same guy. And yes, we didn't have sex during the course of our relationship.

[sb129]

Hmmm. Do you see anything wrong with that?

 

Just curious.

[Ocean-Blue]

Hmmm. Do you see anything wrong with that?

 

Just curious.

 

Not really. I wasn't ready and he preferred to remain a virgin (although he wanted to over the years - but due to his religious background, he was always able to keep his urges at bay, more or less).

 

Why you find something wrong with this? I'm curious!

[sb129]

Ok, knowing he was a virgin too makes a difference.

 

No, I don't see anything wrong with it per se, but I can see how he would be hurt if you guys had spent such a long time together without having sex, yet you slept with your BF after being with him for a much shorter time.

Especially if your BF put so much value on sex.

 

Thats assuming your ex knows you have slept with your current BF, which maybe he doesn't.

 

As someone said to me when I first joined LS- its easy to let go of the branch when you are already holding onto another one.

 

I think that you may have to let this one go. Nothing but time will heal this one.

And if you focus on it TOO much, it may have adverse effects on your current R.

[Ocean-Blue]

Ok, knowing he was a virgin too makes a difference.

 

No, I don't see anything wrong with it per se, but I can see how he would be hurt if you guys had spent such a long time together without having sex, yet you slept with your BF after being with him for a much shorter time.

Especially if your BF put so much value on sex.

 

Thats assuming your ex knows you have slept with your current BF, which maybe he doesn't.

 

As someone said to me when I first joined LS- its easy to let go of the branch when you are already holding onto another one.

 

I think that you may have to let this one go. Nothing but time will heal this one.

And if you focus on it TOO much, it may have adverse effects on your current R.

 

Hi again sb!

 

Yeah, he's a virgin (or was up till the time we broke up). Sex was never really an issue with us (in that I never used it against him or him against me). We both respected the other's wish NOT to have sex. I refrained because I wasn't ready emotionally (I had too many doubts to start having sex with him - that would just open up a can of worms). And if we really wanted, we obviously could've taken it to the next level.

 

He doesn't know that I've lost my virginity. This would hurt him quite a bit (he'd feel bad for me and think that I was a fool for doing it). He has some very strong opinions on sex, marriage, abortion, etc. However, he has not always been faithful to his beliefs (he is after all human). This was actually a source of anxiety in our relationship - but it wasn't what killed us in the end.

 

Talking to people on LS, talking to my friends (especially the ones who've been there from the beginning) and talking to my bf really help in letting go. I know there is really nothing I can do now...except let go.

 

And I definitely don't want this to get out of hand to a point where it affects my relationship.

 

Thanks for the post sb!

 

Edit: I just noticed that you wrote "Especially if your BF put so much value on sex." I'm guessing you are referring to my current bf? My bf, while he values sex, did not pressure me into it (it wasn't like a "have sex with me NOW!" kind of thing. In fact, it was ME that initiated things (he of course was a willing participant). We weighed the pros and cons and I decided that this was someone I truly love (in every single way) and that I wanted to give myself to him *that* way.