I need advice...

[Viaelte]

Hello, everyone and thank all of you who will read my story. Beware - it's long, so if you have only a couple of mintues - you'd better do something morer pleasant that read my heartbroken rambles (go out, have a nice cup of tea, play with your dog, read a book... )

 

All right, here I go. The names in the story will be changed, but I know that if my friend will read this - she'll recognize me (Oh, the horror! )

 

At the age of 14 I, a very shy quiet girl, met a girl (Let's call her Diana) and we became best friends. I was insanely happy, and for about a year everything was all right. Then Diana went to study to the US (I live in Europe), we wrote letters to each other, but... Then the bad things started happening. I received 5 letters, and then it all just stopped. She disappeared. I was in Hell, literally. I kept writing and looking for her and after five years I found her and learnt some very bad things. Our mothers (I'm not sure about hers but I'm sure about mine) didn't want us to be even friends (!!!) so they hid the letters from us. When Diana changed her address she sent it to me, but I didn't get the letter, so I kept writing to the old address. When I found out the new address, I wrote her, she received it, and sent one to me - it's just that her mother volunteered to take it to the post office. I've never received it. And all that time I was in such pain that I could hardly breathe. Then, after 5 years, I found her. We were writing emails, to each other, and after a year it became possible for me to go and to work in the US. I was so glad, - but also depressed. I was afraid of meeting her, because, at last, I realised that I loved her (and still do). I am in love with her. But I relly realised it a coulpe of months before I saw her at last. I was working very far from where she lives, in another state, so I came to the place where Diana lives only for two day. I saw her than. It was Heaven and Hell at the same time. I wanted to kiss her, to tel her, but I couldn't I was too scared to lose even her friendship. So I didn't Maybe she thought I was acting weird, because I was in a kind of daze from both happiness and pain. I was happy, but I was counting hours - 4, 3, 2, 1, and then she will be gone and I won't see her for at least a year... Maybe she thinks I'm crazy. On the next day I just cried... We didn't meet next day, thank God, because I would have broken down in front of her. I left. I do not know how to tell her that I'm in love. Diana thinks she is my best friend, and she is, but she is also so much more to me! Since the day I've fallen in love with her (And that was that summer day when I first met her, I now realise it.) I've never even looked at anyone, I've never been with anyone, I've never gone out with a guy or a girl. I'm in love, and it is now almost 8 years since that sunny June day. And after I came back home I haven't even received an email from her.

 

Sometimes I have an impression that she loves me too, but usually it seems just a faraway dream. Yet, there is some sence in it. I am a good-looking nice girl, but I make an impression of someone who is buried in books, and thinks about love and sex only once a century. I never had a problem with this because I've never felt a need to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend - my heart was already taken by Diana. Yet she, if she did fall in love with me, could have thought that I will never fall in love with her, that I can only be her friend, and thus tried to brake the relationship so she wouldn't tell anything to me. If this is like what it is in reality, well, of course I'm to blame, but... I do not know whatto do. It seems wrong to me to send her love letter, but I fear that I'll be able to go to US at least at the end of summer, and the chances are that I'll go there only next year. Please, if anyone can say anything on the subject, I'll be grateful.

 

Thank you.

[Tony T]

Sorry, lady, but I think the other girl's mother talked to your mother and demanded this stop. I think there is either a lot you don't know about this situation or a lot you're not telling us in your post.

 

Everything is speculation but my best guess is that at one time this girl was interested in being a good friend to you. But when she sensed you were crossing the line into full blown romantic feelings, this was not something she wanted anything to do with and certainly nothing your parents wanted to happen either.

 

I promise you, your friend's mother is watching this situation very closely and will protect her daughter from any contact you attempt to make.

 

This is not something that's meant to be in the long run. If you are fully gay, you need to pursue other romantic interests from a population of known women who are also gay and open to such relationships. For your own sake, stop obsessing on this old friend of yours. It is extremely clear that neither she nor her parents are wanting this to continue and you have to respect that....or respect the power of that.

 

If she was as in love with you and you are with her, she would already be at your doorstep.

 

If you care about her even slightly, back off and move in another direction. You may as well get used to the fact that you and her just aren't going to happen, not now...not ever.

 

I hate to be the one to break this news to you. Eight years is a lot of time wasted. But if you don't want to take my advice, that's totally fine. But you only have one life to live and I'd hate to see you spend its entirety waiting for something that's simply NOT going to happen.

 

Now, maybe somebody will come this way and give you encouragement. Sorry, but I can't give you an ounce of that...as much as I would like to.

[Viaelte]

Dear Tony, thank you for posting.

 

I understand your point, but there's a thing you've missed. I have never crossed the line with my friend. I wouldn't even dream of telling her. For seven years no one (including me) didn't know about my feelings to her. I'm not as stupid, as I might seem, but I just always thought of her as a friend, and though somewhere deep inside I knew I loved her, I realised it less than a year ago. I know that the situation is rather hopeless, it's just that I cannot do anything with myself. No one could have guessed, even her. For the people around me I'm just a good-looking but shy bookworm buried in her coursebooks and who faints when she hears anything connected with love or sex. It might seem funny, but it's true. Just last summer one of old my friends was telling a spicy story, and every time she would turn to me, and ask something like: "You don't know what is this, do you?" She didn't wan't to unsult me, she truly believed I was too innocent to understand her. And I'm 21! (Will be 22 very soon)

 

The main problem with me is that I don't mind spending the eternity waiting for her, because I don't want anyone else. I am a bi, I see many nice people around, but... I don't feel like going out with them. No wild night with some passionate and tender person can be better for me than seeing her for a minute, having a cup of coffee together. I was unfortunate enough to feel spiritual "orgasm" first and, comparing, I see what I really need. I know it's impossible. But I can't help wishing it.

 

As to our mothers... I love and respect her mother, she is a wonderful person, and I'd really wish I could talk to her, but I will never do that. I can understand why she wanted us to part, - many people don't like long distance relationships. My mother... she has no reason for what she's doing, she merely hates this person, period. I do not understand this, but I try to soothe everything out. As to their talking to each other - that's impossible. They have never met, they do not know each other's names, and I am sure that they do this on their own. I love my mother and I'll forgive her anything, but what she did is something my mind cannot grasp so easily.

 

Thank you again, and I will think about what I haven't told yet. I just tried to make the post not too long, so probably I've missed something important.

[aussiegirl]

girl!

you have to try and see her again - work lots of hours, don't spend any money and save up and go see her again...

otherwise you will never know and by the sounds of things you will continue to regret this for a long time to come.

 

even if it doesn't work out how you dream it will you will know, and that will mean you can move on.

 

at the moment you are stuck...

 

do what you have to!

[Viaelte]

(((aussie))) Thank you!

 

That's just what I'm doing - saving money for the next trip! I know it will be hard, and I'll have to restore our friendship first (and even if nothing else works out I will still be in Heaven because I'll be able to see her! ). I cannot give up just now. I need to see her happy, with or without me. I know she blames herself for what had happened, but for me she is not to be blamed for our parting. She loves her mother very much and I understand her trying to be a good daughter. I just want her NOT to think that she's the worst friend possible and NOT to feel guilty about all our past troubles.

 

(((Love to all)))