Confronted my ex, poured out my heart...

[jmargel]

Quit over-analyzing everything.. and get a grip already. She's sitting on the fence still texting both you and this other guy. Little texts, jokes don't mean anything. And why isn't she calling you and talking to you? Text messages are very impersonal, IMO. Next time she texts you I would say 'If you want to talk, call me' and leave it at that.

 

She sounds very immature.

[heartoutside]

She is immature in some maners, but in others very mature. After she's raised herself since she was 15, and hasn't had a mother since she was 4, so there wasn't that guidence and there isn't that guidence now.

 

As for analyzing things, I know I shouldn't do it and I've gotten a lot better at not doing it. Or at least letting it not affect me as much. Now I'm kind of able to brush it off. But at the same time, when you don't have answers you naturally start looking for them in other places.

 

Well see.....

[storm]

Sitting on the fence is exactly what she is doing. But why come back if you are still there for her. She has nothing to worry about. She can take her good old time in making a decision. Like I said, you need to make up her mind for her. Whether it is in the form of a text. You are being her friend.

[mikefromnc]

I was stone cold dumped by fiance 3 and a half weeks ago. She brought all my stuff, including the ring and my house key, to my house and dropped it off while I was at work. She called 30 minutes before I was supposed to get off and told me she didn't love me anymore, and didn't want to talk about it. EVERYONE told me not to call her. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I didn't talk to her for 24 days. No emails, no texts, nothing. She emailed me about a week ago and I ignored that too. She sent me another email 2 days ago and was much more appologetic and said if I didn't want to talk to her again she would understand. I called her that afternoon and we made plans for me to come to her house and talk.

I went there yesterday, and I was amazed. The way I felt and looked the first week were apart is the way she looked yesterday. She was crying and house was a mess (she is a neat freak). She has been going downhill ever since we split up, where as I had begun to get better.

We talked and realized that the reason we broke up is that she needs more personal space/time than I do, and when she tried to get that for herself it made me "cling" even tighter because I thought I was going to lose her. Which made her want more space, which made me cling tighter...

We talked for a couple of hours and decided that we both need to continue to work on our own issues, but that we should keep in touch and see each other and talk more.

I don't know what you might get out of this, but I know if I had tried to contact her before I did, that I don't think we would had this chance to work things out.

I think if you are truly good to somebody, then they will miss you.

[annabelle75]

I know everyone else here has said it over and over but I am going to say it again ... she knows how you feel.

 

If she wants to get back together with you, she will. Right now she is testing the water and seeing how she feels. Perhaps things with the new guy didn't work out or she is doubting his feelings for her. I know you don't want to think about it but she might be using you as a crutch. After being with you for so long and then boucning into a realtionship with the new guy she might not no how to be alone. Or maybe the new guy isn't fedding enough of her emotional needs so she is reaching back to what she is familiar with.

 

There is also a chance that she is testing the waters and sorting out her feelings for you and the possibility of getting back together. It does happen. In fact it is happening to me right now. When my bf dumped me earlier this year he made it clear that he no longer had feelings for me and we would never get back together again. I honestly believed it was over and I would never see him again. I was devistated. This past weekend he took me on a trip (he paid for everything) and made every effort to prove to me he deserved a second chance. He realized he made a mistake and was willing to do whatever it took to get me back. If she feels the same way, she will do the same.

 

Give it time and don't push her. When my bf came back sniffing around (in many of the same ways your ex has) I made myself unavaliable and even dated another guy. He stuck it out and let me know he wanted me back. It took several months for it to finally happen, but it eventually did. There is hope, but try not to pin too many expectations on her right now.

[heartoutside]

This is all great advice, thanks guys. It's kind of hard as you all know to keep NC. But I've done it so far for a day and a half. Altough the real test will be if she contacts me, I'm not really sure how I'll handle that. I'm hoping I won't reply, and I can fight it. I mean that's the hard part, she keeps contact me, not the other way around. I would say since we broke up she's done 80% of the intial contacting! And my intial contact has really only been when I need her to get her stuff out, or the like (other then pouring my heart out to her last week for the first time).

 

mikefromnc- although my ex hasn't said it, I kind of think that's what happened with us, in fact I know it is. She's in college, and is wents to experience that world. Living together I think she was having a hard time doing that. WHo knows........

 

Thanks again for the advice guys....

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I agree that you should keep doing NC. I'm trying to do that right now. It's so hard but I have no doubt that in a few months it will feel so much better.

[heartoutside]

Well this morning I logged onto facebook, I didn't look at her page, but (if you've ever used facebook) she did invite me to use this application called Xapp or something, lets you send hugs, kisses, high fives, and that kind of stuff to your friends. I guess she sent me a high five (she also sent this other guy a high five). I didn't accept it or deny it or anything I just let it be....

The thing I don't get is in every relationship she's been in in the past she's wasted no time going from one relationship to the other (i mean weeks, or maybe a month+), but with this guy, she still considers herself single. I guess I shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about that, but I am.

 

No text from her today though....

[heartoutside]

well today is laundry day for me....it sucks. She loved doing our laundry, she loved the smell, loved folding everything nice and neat, put mystuff in my drawers. The worse part is she wrote her name on all the detergant bottles and fabric softener (we, or I have a common laundry room in my apartment building) so when ever I pick up a bottle, I see her. It's hard enough that doing laundry reminds me of her, but then theres the added hurt of her name on every bottle.....

[mikefromnc]

Hey Heart,

I know how tough it can be, and I think my situation is working out. Like I told you yesterday, the NC thing worked for us. She needed space, and she has some issues she is trying to work through. She was hurt by her first serious relationship, and built a wall around her heart to protect herself. She is finding it hard to open up to me and tell me how she feels. My job at this point is to let her have all the space she needs to deal with these things, but at the same time be there if she wants to talk.

I have my own issues to deal with. I tend to over analyze everything, and not just listen to what my heart already knows. I know my ex loves me, it is very apparent when we are together. It is not easy not seeing her on a regular basis. But I know if we try to rush this now, we won't make the lasting changes we need to, in order to be a better happier couple for the rest of our lives. I am in this for the long haul, I love her more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

You said you have some issues like mine. Are you actively trying to do anything to improve yourself? If you really want to make things work with your ex, you should be doing possitive things for yourself. I know it isn't easy, but if nothing else, you will be a better friend and lover to your next girlfriend.

Try to think of this time as time for you to become stronger and more confident in yourself. I have been seeing a counselor for my issues and reading self help books also. I have started excercising and that has helped a lot with the depression.

I would like to think that my ex and I will be back together before her birthday (a little over a month away), but reallisticly, she has been carrying around her baggage for atleast 2 or 3 years. It is probably going to take more than a month for her to work through this. So, I started thinking more reallisticly, Thanksgiving and Christmas are times when people really want to be with the ones they love. I hope to be eating turkey and fruit cake with her and her family this year and for many to come.

Good luck with all this. I don't know if anything I said was of help, but it sure is good to get it out.

[heartoutside]

I don't know what else I can do for myself? I've read 2 or 3 self help books, I go to the gym almost every day (I work freelance so somedays I can't make it), I went out with my high school crush (even though she is engaged) I'm applying myself to my career 100x's more then I have ever (even more then before I started dating my ex 4 years ago). The only thing I haven't done on my to do list is go an volunteer at this local art center, I'm hoping to do that next week.

 

I've realized alot about myself in the past 3 months, such as I fear fear, if that makes sense. I rather be in a situation that I can predict, and I've been taking steps to change that. I also realize that I put others needs ahead of mine, which I'm obiviously still dealing with, but getting better at. I also have realized that I'm at fault for some of this, that by not talking about what bugged me in our relationship (again because I "feared" that her reaction would be negative) I starterd to hold things inside and interilize them which caused me to act distant at times with her and take a lot for granted esp her.

 

Mikefromnc, I think our situations are very similar, my ex has a hard time opening up as well and will instantly blame herself for any wrong doing. I wish I could afford a counselor, I did go and see one when we first broke up, but I only had 3 free visits, and the first one is the get to know you visit and the rest all I did was talk about my ex, not myself. In hindsight I wish I had talked about myself, but i don't think I was ready or in the stage mentally. I was still trying to figure out the answers to why she felt she needed to leave, and why she kept contacting me.....plus the counselor and I didn't seem to get along too well, we kind of clashed....

 

any suggestions on what else I can do for myself, or how to focus on my confidence.....

[storm]

Well you must understand that what you have been going through is torture. You have maintained contact with you ex. The only way to properly heal and understand yourself is to cut off all contact 100%. Do I recommend you cut off contact? Not really. Even though your contact has been through text messages, the suspense of waiting for her next text is a complete distraction. It is like a drug fix. You get your text and the high lasts for about a day or two and then you hit a low, waiting for the next text.

 

What happened to the dinner you guys were supposed to go to? I'm surprised she hasn't brought it up in a text. But you should never bring it up. She cancelled.

[heartoutside]

well the dinner was for this past monday, she cancelled on sunday I think, maybe it was monday. But has contacted me in some shape or form since then. Whether it be text message or like yesterday via facebook with a vitrual high five. So it's only been 5 days since she asked if we could take a rain check.

 

I'm not going to push for dinner just yet, for one, this weekend there is a baby shower for a friend of ours. We were suppose to have the baby shower at our place (or my place) the weekend after we broke up, but luckly our friend had her baby the day after we broke up so the shower got put off and no one really knew about us breaking up. Now it's this sunday at my friends house that is about 10 blks from my house, so my ex has to take the subway to the stop right by my house, and then she has to hang out with a bunch of our good girlfriends, some of whom don't know we have broken up, some of whom know every detail and I won't be there. I was invited, but I'm not going. We'll see what happens....I know some of the ladies there will ask where I am because they don't know about us...

 

Another funny thing is before I left for my last vacation, about 2 weeks ago, my ex added my best friends wife to her facebook friends list (they have both been on facebook for well over a year), who my ex has only meet a few times when we all went on vacation together, when I took her to their wedding and when they came here to visit last sept. Well I got an email from my buddies wife telling me that she has gotten 2 emails saying that my ex has sent her some high fives. My buddies wife is cluesless when it comes to facebook so she just ignored them. But for the life of me, I can't figure out why my ex is trying to keep in touch with someone she'll never see again, or talk to again?

 

As for dinner, if she doesn't ask about it in the next week or so, I'll try one last time....is that a bad idea?

 

storm- I don't understand what you're saying. You think I shouldn't cut off all contact? Go complete NC? I kind of agree, I shouldn't ignore her attempts but at the same time I shouldn't be there for everyone of them, or reply to everyone of them.....

[heartoutside]

I was watching abc news tonight and they had their person of the week on, A professor who is 46 years old and has 3-6 months to live. He gave his last lecture today, and this is one of the many things he had to say.....

 

...it sounds trite, but if you wait long enough, other people will show you their good side. If there's anything I've [learned] that is absolutely true. Sometimes it takes a lot longer than you might like. But the onus is on you to keep the hope and keep waiting."

[niceguy27]

wow. talk about a little message sent for someone who just happened to be listening at that moment with a particular situation.

[heartoutside]

I'm having a hard time not contacting her right now. Or at least not replying to her little high five thing on facebook. I know it's only been 3 days since her last text, but I thought she would have tried to reschedule our dinner by now or at least contacted me in some way. Who knows.........?

[heartoutside]

I don't know what is causing me to feel this way, but today is by far the lowest and most depressesd I've felt in a long while. Probably since the first month or so. The funny thing is I actually slept in today. I haven't been able to sleep past 7 in a long time, even when I'm hungover.

 

I guess this is all kind of hitting me, that I have to start all over, find new friends, find new love?, find myself all over again. I'm 28, I shouldn't have to be doing that.

 

And then I'm sitting her thinking what the hell is my ex doing? She hasn't even rescheduled our dinner, or asked me if I've taken care of the gas bill?! I really don't know what to think about anything any more, about the friends I hang out with, or about my career, or about anything in general?!? I'm once again lost....

[heartoutside]

Well it's been a week since we were suppose to have our dinner and still no word on a reschedule and 4 days since her last form of communication. I don't know she may feel really stressed out right now. Yesterday was a baby shower for our friend that we were suppose to have at our place (the weekend following our break up). So all our friends were there and it's in the same neighborhood that she and I lived in together for 3 years. So that might have added a little stress to the situation. I didn't go, I don't really know the girl we were going to have the shower for anyway. I really only talked to her when I saw her because I knew she was friends with my ex.

 

I'm going to wait it/her out the best I can though. We'll see. I'm starting to think she is either just not going to reschedule at all and hope that I just let it be and take it as a sign that she is done, or she's really thinking about it. I hope it's the later. I couldn't see her being that cold harder. In the week that followed our break up, she agreed to talk, I don't see why she wouldn't agree this time.

[Spinderella]

I think I replied on your other thread and gave you some different advice, but, the other thread misses out quite a chunk of history.

Keep doing NC.

Forget about the dinner.

She knows your feelings.

You are doing well. You have explained everything to her. You gave her the opening of talking some more. You told her that you would need to heal and have no contact if she was sure she did not want to get back together. What more can you do?

Stop doubting yourself. At the end of the day if someone wants you back they will try to make it happen.

Whatever the situation, nc is the best thing to do from here. If she needs time to realise her feelings, nc is best. If she never wants to get back, nc is best.

Keep it up. Keep reading self help books, and someone on here always gives advice to write it out, I think thats good. Walking is also good.

Just little things, little things, youll get there.

[heartoutside]

but it seemed like we were so close. She wanted to go out, she called me, she texted all to find out when I wanted to go out for dinner. Only she cancelled because of school work. Which I can understand, last year (her first year of school) all she did was school work and work work....you mean to tell me I should just let it be, even for closure. I shouldn't even eventually call her or something and tell her we still haven't rescheduled our dinner....?

[Spinderella]

Work or not, she knows you havent rescheduled.

[heartoutside]

I thought nc was for the dumpee to heal, not to play games or trick the dumper into anything? I still haven't contacted her though. I had a hard time sleeping last night because that is usually when she contacts me around 10 or so. I fought it hard, but I'm still unsure about it.......

[heartoutside]

She did text me today, but not to ask when we could reschedule our dinner, but to ask me if I was going out tonight to our friends last night (before he moves tomorrow to another state). "Are you going tonight?" That was all she wrote. I wrote back, "hey, I'm not going tonight but say bye for me. How is school going?"

 

Not a word....I thought about writing again, saying something like, "now it's my turn, are you mad at me!?:)" Because last week she thought I was mad at her because I didn't reply to her text message. But who knows.....

 

any ideas what I should do....I know NC right?

[heartoutside]

So yesterday my ex sent me a text asking me if i was going to our friends last nite in town bar event. I wrote her back telling her i wasn't going but to tell him I say bye. I also asked her how school was going but I never got a reply. I'm out of town so I'm not sure if she got the text because I have horrible service.

 

But this morning I check my email and see that I have a myspace message from my ex. She sent it last night around midnight, I can only guess that she was a little drunk because she wrote "i really like this song." And the song is what i always considered our song, i'm not sure if she knew it, but it was from Our favorite movie.

 

So after getting that message I sent her a text this morning saying, am i silly or are you mad at me? She replied, I'm not mad at you. silly. I didn't reply...then an hour or so she wrote again asking why did I think that....I wrote back because it's hard to tell when we only text each other. Trying to hint that it would be better to just call. She then wrote back, I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm mad. I feel its the other way around. I hope all is well.....

 

I never replied, I've been too busy today. Should i reply. How should I approach this? It's obvious that she and I need to communicate better, but I"m not sure how to get that across?

any ideas?

[StaringContest]

It seems maybe she was thinking about getting back together and has changed her mind. Hounding her about when you can meet for dinner or whether she's mad at you is going to drive her away.

 

Stop contacting her and stop replying to her pointless texts and emails. When you did NC before, she started to come back around, didn't she? If she really loves you, she will again.