100 days after my separation

[notspiritual]

(Too bad my thread was erased: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119521/)

 

I came to a realization that I wanted to share:

“It is very possible that you are not still in love but that you are morning the death of a dream”. (N. Branden)

 

I lacked the knowledge of what it is to be married, I also lacked the knowledge of what it is to save a marriage. I made many mistakes. I did not have the skillset to realize my dream. Skillset is required but is not enough, you also need the willingness to realize the dream. When two people share the same dream, there should be room for mistake and forgiveness. If one keeps a book of wrongs, the dream was doomed to fail from the beginning. The third key to marriage is to know exactly what you want in a life partner. Aim for the best partner you can get. Do not settle for the first woman/man. You must have choice. To have choice you must better yourself but this is another topic.

 

The last key is the attitude. Be conscious about the fact that your marriage could end anytime, no matter how perfect you are. Do your best of course but know that you cannot control the other person. Make your spouse happy, aim for her happiness. Let her go happier than she was before meeting you. So you won’t have any regrets. But if she is happier without you, then let it be my friend. She will make the right choice for you and for her.

[Gunny376]

BINGO!

 

Here's another one not only to be printed out, BUT lamenated and put on the fridege and read EVERYDAY for the REST of your life!

 

Well said! Well said indeed!

 

MAN! You've come a LONG way in a very short time!

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hello NS it's been a long time since I talked to you. I hope your doing well. I've read your posts since I was banned and you went through a dark time. I know what that's like when you hate her or just hate the things that females do.

 

Your moving past that and moving on. I'm glad you did.

[notspiritual]

Gunny, Chrome Barracuda it was awesome to have you and other posters here when my separation started.

 

My moral now is good, I know I can handle anything now.

 

My X and me have just exchanged 3-4 emails during the last 3 months mainly regarding the financial help I agreed on. Friendly and to the point emails. She found a job but is not very satisfied with it as she is overworked and badly paid. Her boss blames her for being too slow. She says it is horrible. I replied that it is horrible 70% of the time but she needs to accept it because it pays the bills while looking for something better. She has now decided to stop email contact as she says she has a bad memory of our relationship especially my family and need to forget. I replied that I understand and that as financial matters are agreed upon I won’t have to email her anymore.

 

I was thinking about this and concluded that your husband is not responsible for his family. Your husband did not choose his family but he chose you to be his wife! Blaming the family is kind of weird. Whatever, I am at a point where I don’t really care about anything my X throws at me anymore. I am not saying I don’t care for her, I am glad to help her financially and wish her good luck in her new life. What I am saying is that my validation is now internal not external. My own sense of self-worth is derived internally and does not depend on how people perceive me. I am going to control what I can control and stop worrying about things I cannot control.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's the spirit, you finally understand!!!!

 

It's beyond your control and you only control yourself!!!

 

She's blaiming others for what is her own shortcomings. Let her go. man.

 

Let her go.......

[Gunny376]

You've come a very long way in a very short time!

 

LOL ~ in Ref. to the wife not "liking" her new job. That was one of the ironies of rejoining the civilian labor force. I'ver heard that over and over again "I don't like my job!"

 

What's "like" got to do with a damn thing? You suck it up and deal with it until you can find something better!

Like doesn't have anything to do with anything.

 

Your always going to have a spot in your heart for her ~ but she did you wrong! She's made her bed ~ and if its hard to sleep in it! TOUGH!

 

And you're right! YOUR the one's that personally in charge of your happiness! THAT'S your job ~ and no one's else's!

 

"Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" ~ Abe Lincoln

 

I personally could care less what anyone thinks about me! They don't pay my bills! But, then again? I don't care if the Sun doesn't shine!

 

I made my mind up a long time ago ~ that who and what I am isn't defined by anyone other than me. I am what I am, I am who I am ~ and that's the way its going to be. I'm a good person ~ I know that. I don't need anyone else's validation!

 

In so far as the rest? There's always going to be someone smarter, richer, better looking, makes more money, etc than you ~ just like there's always going to be someone that isn't as smart, poorer, uglier, earns less than you?

 

The way I see it? I'm worse than some, but better than most?

 

Its very much about ~ ATTITUDE & PERSPECTIVE!

 

Don't sweat the small stuff ~ and you know what? Its ALL small stuff!

 

In so far as worrying?

 

Well you've only got TWO things you need to worry about?

 

And, that's wheather your healthy or sick.

 

If your healthy? You don't have anything to worry about!

 

But, if your sick? You've still only have two things to worry about? Wheather your going to live or die!

 

If you live? You've got nothing to worry about! But, if you die? You've still only have two things to worry about? Wheather your going to go the Heaven or Hell!

 

If you go to Heaven? You don't have anything to worry about! And if you go to Hell? .............................it won't matter, because you'll be too busy saying Hello to all of your crazy azz friends you won't care!

[notspiritual]

The EX broke non-contact emailing to ask for 1300 euro as she was fired for poor performance. I told her to give me her bank account number and I’ll send her the money. Very short answer and no useless fluff talks from me.

 

In the meantime, I accepted a new job position at a new company starting next month (with a big compensation jump for me). I will of course not tell her about my finance because I feel that I have nothing to prove to her. I am not expecting anything from her. I help her because it is in my intrinsique nature to help. She can curse me and think I am stupid or she can be grateful. I don’t give a sh*t either way. I only care about being true to myself until I die.

 

I find it more and more difficult to picture myself getting back with my EX. First, I have become extremely drama allergic. The moment a girl shows sign of a red flag and it is goodbye. Life is too short to deal with such bullsh*t. Second, I feel so powerful and free in my single life. Never before did I think I could get a job at 200k a year, now I feel I deserve to be paid $ 1 million a year . And third, I start to believe that it was the best thing my EX could do for herself. This difficult time will make her stronger. Her growth should be her number one priority, not being a good wife.

[notspiritual]

There are 4 mindset stages after separation:

 

Stage 1 [delusional]: You don’t see how your wife was hurting you.

Stage 2 [doormat]: You see how your wife was hurting you but still want her back.

Stage 3 [hate or indifference]: You see how your wife was hurting you and for that reason you don’t want her back anymore.

Stage 4 [real]: You don’t want her back but you help her fix her problems.

 

While on stage 2, stage 4 seemed horribly cold because it meant consciously giving up a dream without any emotions of hope or hate attached. Now that I am on stage 4, just the thought of being in a hurtful relationship seems insane to me, so stage 2 is insane. It has been said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Whether you feel hate or indifference you are in stage 3. In my opinion, these 2 feelings are not healthy. You need to be real genuine with yourself and reach stage 4.

 

I was thinking about the ideal partner. It is counterintuitive, but the ideal partner would add to my feeling of freedom and power (to achieve whatever you want in life) - feelings that I rediscovered by being single again. I guess this woman exists since I can offer that to a woman. But to find her, I will probably have to slash through the armies of poisonous women that represent the majority of the female gender. There are so many descent men but so few quality women.

[passionateconfusion]

Your wife does not represent all women - there are many quality women out there. Since there are so many decent men why not try dating one?

[Gunny376]

I'm not trying to be an AH?

 

But its going to be hard for you to find someone as enlightened as you are?

 

I understand where you're coming from!

 

That making 200K ~ means NOTHING!

 

That material possesions ~ means NOTHING!

 

I'm a happy camper with my low-stress, no-stress

"what-ever-job" working in a lab! The work is interesting to keep me mentally engaged and stimulated. I like the chemistry, the math, etc.

 

Its taken me along time getting here?

 

But?

 

I've finally caught the bus to Mexico! Marrgritville! That's where you azz needs to be!

[MyAbusa]

Notspiritual, I very much enjoyed your first post to this thread & consider it, in relation to my experiences, right on the mark. However, I have a hard time agreeing with your 4 stages post. I know nothing of your relationship history with your ex (will read it tonight when I have more time) but I just can’t see how the final stage can be “You don’t want her back but you help her fix her problems” or how you can group hate and indifference in the same category.

 

I was married for 10 years, had the same situation many here have reported; “she doesn’t love me, wants to find out who she is, never loved me, was cheating… etc” and have now been divorced for 7 years. It was a very difficult time for me & took a good 2 years before I felt I was finally over her but I do believe indifference is the last stage with anger/hate coming some time earlier & wanting to help coming even before that (based on my experiences of course).

 

In my estimation, wanting to help her out means she is still affecting your life in a negative way weather it be financially or emotionally & you are still allowing her to have some sort of control over you.

After 100 days you appear to be doing exceptionally well (with reference to your first post) but your post on mindset leads me to believe there are still a few curves left in your path toward completion.

 

I guess I should also mention that although this is only my second post on LS I have been here for quite some time reading the excellent advice and support LS members provide and hopefully I can use this knowledge along with my personal experiences to help maintain the wonderful state of my current relationship.

[reboot]

Stage 4: Let someone else worry about her problems.

[MyAbusa]

Stage 4: Let someone else worry about her problems.

That is EXACTLY right!

[notspiritual]

That making 200K ~ means NOTHING!

 

I can’t agree more. No matter how much you spend on a woman, she will consider it crap when she is done with you. My financial situation, good or bad, will never be discussed with any women because you want the girl to be attracted to your personality not to your wallet. Only losers who have nothing else going on for them feel they need to brag with their money to attract a woman

 

In my estimation, wanting to help her out means she is still affecting your life in a negative way weather it be financially or emotionally & you are still allowing her to have some sort of control over you.

 

The reason I think indifference is not the last stage is because erasing so many years of your life with that person is not natural. You help her go back to her feet, like you would help another member of your family. The key of stage 4 is to be real with your inner self. If you truly believe she does not deserve your help, then don’t help her. In my case, after inspecting my inner self, I found out that I should help her as long as it does not hurt me financially or emotionally. My philosophy is to live without regret. In my death bed, I would have regretted not having helped her. She should be better off for having met me whether she wants to stay or not. You don’t need to be indifferent to find a new woman and be happy, you need to be real with yourself. If your indifference is real and not faked or reactive then maybe your are on stage 4 too.

[notspiritual]

Your wife does not represent all women - there are many quality women out there. Since there are so many decent men why not try dating one?

 

The reason I think we have so few quality women is because men are attracted essentially to a woman’s physical beauty, not to her personality. On the other hand, a woman values a man’s personality more than his looks. Women therefore can have a sh*tty personality and still find a descent man. Women have it real easy while a man needs to have a good personality to be able to keep a woman. The incredible amount of poisonous women is just the result of evolutionary biology.

 

This will change when more and more men refuse to settle for a poisonous woman however beautiful she is. This will force all women to better themselves if they want a shot a finding a good man. This will change as physical beauty becomes a commodity (you can buy it – plastic surgery etc). Women will also need to have good personality to compete with other female.

 

But in the meantime, men with high standards will have a hard time finding a match but I am convinced there are good women out there.

[Gunny376]

The reason I think we have so few quality women is because men are attracted essentially to a woman’s physical beauty, not to her personality. On the other hand, a woman values a man’s personality more than his looks. Women therefore can have a sh*tty personality and still find a descent man. Women have it real easy while a man needs to have a good personality to be able to keep a woman. The incredible amount of poisonous women is just the result of evolutionary biology.

 

This will change when more and more men refuse to settle for a poisonous woman however beautiful she is. This will force all women to better themselves if they want a shot a finding a good man. This will change as physical beauty becomes a commodity (you can buy it – plastic surgery etc). Women will also need to have good personality to compete with other female.

 

But in the meantime, men with high standards will have a hard time finding a match but I am convinced there are good women out there.

 

BINGO! HAMMER + NAIL! YOU HIT THAT ONE DIRECTLY ON THE HEAD!!!!!!

 

I don't care about your boob-job, your WonderBra, your make-up! Your "support" undergrandments!

 

Whatcha got between your ears?

[MyAbusa]

The reason I think indifference is not the last stage is because erasing so many years of your life with that person is not natural. You help her go back to her feet, like you would help another member of your family. The key of stage 4 is to be real with your inner self. If you truly believe she does not deserve your help, then don’t help her. In my case, after inspecting my inner self, I found out that I should help her as long as it does not hurt me financially or emotionally. My philosophy is to live without regret. In my death bed, I would have regretted not having helped her. She should be better off for having met me whether she wants to stay or not. You don’t need to be indifferent to find a new woman and be happy, you need to be real with yourself. If your indifference is real and not faked or reactive then maybe your are on stage 4 too.

 

I agree... being true to YOUrself (see how I capitalized you… subtle hint) and being true to yourself includes retaining your dignity & not getting taken advantage of (this I WOULD regret). She broke no-contact to ask for money because she couldn’t hold a job. FOR MONEY FROM YOU! To me that is a huge slap in the face.

 

Ok, how about this… You say you want to help her… very noble… Wouldn’t it be better for you to not provide her with a monetary crutch & instead HELP her learn the skills needed to hold a job out of necessity because you won’t bail her out.

 

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it appears to me that you’re using your “enlightenment” as a reason to keep in contact with her… Just let her go. She want’s it & you need it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your getting there NS, keep it moving.

 

Keep it moving.

 

Also I dont think you should be talking to her anymore. She still seems to push your buttons. If she's a grown adult she can take care of herself. let her make her own money, she isnt your responsibility anymore. you feel me?

[notspiritual]

Wouldn’t it be better for you to not provide her with a monetary crutch & instead HELP her learn the skills needed to hold a job out of necessity

 

I would not help her more than what I would do for a friend or a family member. I did not mention it but I advised her books to read to suvive the professional life. I will not give her money indefinetely, I do it because it is hard in the beginning.

 

reason to keep in contact with her… Just let her go. She want’s it & you need it.

 

I live in the US while she lives now in Europe. I was never to contact her again until she wrote me that email. That is why I kept my email short and to the point. That is why I did not tell her that I will be back to Europe for the next 2 weeks. In my mind she is gone already. I am getting used to the separation. The feeling of attachment really dissipates after a while. Do I need no contact? I did in the beginning to rest my mind. But now, contact or no contact, it does not change my life at all.

 

My life right now is busy and concentrated on career and passions. There is no way I can return to a married life and lose my current single life. Besides, to have a wife would be an injustice to her as I would probably neglect her. The only kind of women who could stand me now are women who themselves have a lot going on for them and don’t need too much attention or help with her life.

[notspiritual]

My EX wants to meet me after almost 5 months of separation. She wants to meet me as a friend and discuss about how I can help her find a job through my network. I am not sure if it is her true motivations because she said she never wanted to meet me again. Obviously she changed her mind.

 

Some might think that I am still too influencable to meet her but I have experienced that many other women dig me. That gives me choice, choice is power. They told me I am in fact spiritual and not fanatically religious like my EX, that I was exceptionally generous to offer my EX a comfortable life and a bright future, that I have an unusal compassion to still think about her well-being even after all the pain she’s done to me. I have discovered that I am in fact a very rare commodity to many women. I have discovered that I am the prize. Being the prize, I am the chooser. I choose which woman will benefit from having me in her life. It would be a poor choice to choose a woman who cannot appreciate or cannot recognize a great gift. All the power to control my destiny is within my hands.

[Chrome Barracuda]

My EX wants to meet me after almost 5 months of separation. She wants to meet me as a friend and discuss about how I can help her find a job through my network. I am not sure if it is her true motivations because she said she never wanted to meet me again. Obviously she changed her mind.

 

Some might think that I am still too influencable to meet her but I have experienced that many other women dig me. That gives me choice, choice is power. They told me I am in fact spiritual and not fanatically religious like my EX, that I was exceptionally generous to offer my EX a comfortable life and a bright future, that I have an unusal compassion to still think about her well-being even after all the pain she’s done to me. I have discovered that I am in fact a very rare commodity to many women. I have discovered that I am the prize. Being the prize, I am the chooser. I choose which woman will benefit from having me in her life. It would be a poor choice to choose a woman who cannot appreciate or cannot recognize a great gift. All the power to control my destiny is within my hands.

 

Dont meet her!!!

 

Your setting yourself backwards. Trust me you dont have children or any business dealings with each other. Cut her off completely.

 

I'm glad your feeling better about yourself, you are the prize and you deserve to be loved. You deserved to feel important and find a woman to be your equal. I think you've been given a bad hand in life with your marriage and everything, right now this is your chance and opportunity for a fresh start! This is your chance at a new life. Your ex is a reminder for what's wrong and what went bad.

 

She's a representation of the past you cant seem to let go of.

 

You need to let go.

[Gunny376]

So oftentimes it happens that we live our life in chains without knowing that we have the key?

 

You're free of this burden ~ now get out there and get busy living your life ~ singing your Vicotry song?

 

You've done all you can and should? She wanted out? Well she got it! She's just trying to lure you back in slowly but surely?

 

Mr. Reality must be really wearing that ass out! :laugh:

 

I would make myself un-available! In so far as she's concerned? I feel off the face of the Earth!

 

Friends? With "friends" like her? Who needs enemies?

[Gunny376]

I have discovered that I am in fact a very rare commodity to many women. I have discovered that I am the prize. Being the prize, I am the chooser. I choose which woman will benefit from having me in her life. It would be a poor choice to choose a woman who cannot appreciate or cannot recognize a great gift. All the power to control my destiny is within my hands.

 

There's a "Jack for every Jill, and a Jill for every Jack!

 

I'm glad you come to this realization ~ its not all about what you've got to offer, but what some woman brings to the table and has to offer you? By definition? Its should each side contribubting 100% of themselves to "us"

[MyAbusa]

NS,

Please listen Chrome & Gunny. Any future contact with your EX will undoubtedly be a step in the wrong direction.

 

I think it’s AWESOME that you’ve recognized what you have to offer & won’t accept less than you deserve. Just remember that when your EX comes a calln’… You deserve BETTER!

 

Continuing to “help her out” will also affect any future relationship you strive for. Although those you’ve spoken to may commend your generosity toward your EX, there is no way to have a meaningful relationship with anyone else as long as you continue to “help her out”.

 

No woman would be willing to share your attention with your EX & rightfully so. If you truly recognize the quality of woman you deserve then leave your EX in the past where she belongs (she's not that person) & move forward with your life.

[Gunny376]

I see nothing good coming of this for you? What is the pay-off for you? What are you getting out helping her out? What benefits do you get from helping her out?

 

For the Love of Pete she was married to you?

 

Friends?

 

FRIENDS?

 

You were her freaking husband? You walked the line and put it on the line for her azz everyday! You put a roof over her head? Clothes on her back, food in her mouth!

 

When this whole deal went down? You were like a drowning man grasping at straws.

 

Look how far you've come ~ and I mean ~ Look how far you've come! Simply amazing! Absolutely freaking amazing you've come!

 

Not just mentally, not just in your thinking, not just psychologically, not just emotionally ~ but yes! Dare I say it?

 

SPIRITUALLY!

 

Do you really want to go back over the same real estate that you've fought so hard for?

 

You owe her happy azz nothing, you're not obligated to her! You were the best husband that you knew how to be at the time, you did your best, you gave your best. All gave some, some gave all ~ and you my friend gave all and then some!

 

So now? She's out of the marriage, and her little fantasy world is crashing down around her? Its a cold cruel world out there. Life's hard! That's just a fact! Its a struggle no matter who you are?

 

But its a fact? Its even harder if your stupid!

 

There's a difference between ignorance and stupidity.

 

Ignorant? You just don't know any better ~ and that's a forgiveable sin!

 

Stupid? You know better but you do it anyway! Or don't do something that you know you should do!

 

The X's been around long enough to know the difference and to know better. So she got the hots for some "enlightened one" and now she's found true "enlightenment" in the form of Mr. Reality wearing that ass out day to day.

 

My money's on that she's trying to work her way back in? She's screwed up, and she's setting you up for a "Poor Miss Scarlet" way to scam her way back in?

 

Trouble is? You've found those "keys" that have set yo free? You've found that anything that the X has to offer? You can find just as good as ~ if not better, just as much off ~ if not more!

 

You've found that you've got a lot to offer a good woman. And that there are a lot of good woman looking for what you've got to offer.

 

She wanted out? She's got out! She wasn't good enough o' so many months ago? What's changed.

 

You've done some serious work, some hard work, some hard gained work on yourself ~ what work has she done on herself?

 

She's put you through a lot of heart-ache and pain, and out of that you've risen like the Phoneix from the ashes!

 

Her problems? That's what they are ~ HER problems!

 

Don't go "back-sliding" on me now! You've worked too damn hard, your too intellegent, too smart, have too much hard earned wisdom to cast your pereals before those that don't deserve them!