100 days after my separation

[notspiritual]

I decided to meet her because I wanted to know how her life was like.

 

We went to have dinner. She wore the engagement ring and the perfume I gave her when we were together. She told me about how difficult life is, how hard it is to find a job. The job she had for one month was hell because of moral and sexual harrassment. She said she was so tired that she could not do anything on the weekend. Her brother told her: “I am not surprised you’re single again given your horrible personality.” Her mother was sad and told her “Don’t try to find anyone else, please go back to your husband”. She is hiding to her friends the fact that I am helping her financially.

 

I told her that I was also tired because of work. I hoped she would understands now why I had no more energy to do all the activities she suggested. But she said my work gave me more free time so she could not imagine that I could have been as tired as her. I am happy her english is fluent and has become one of her main advantage in getting a job. So, at least she is seeing that this 18 months in the US where I paid for her english classes was not a complete waste of her career as she was claiming.

 

She still believes I abandoned her when my career was about to take off. That I just needed her because I was afraid to come to the US alone. It is incredible how she distorts reality and believe this ridiculous bull****. I did not want to argue because there was no hope I could change her belief, she has to see it for herself, so I changed subject whenever she acted unpleasant.

 

She sent me some mixed signals: telling me that many guys are courting her, wearing the ring, extending the dinner to see a movie, wanting to see me again with her friends. Maybe she wanted to see if I would try to reconciliate. But I have changed a lot. I have become good at detecting red flags. She kept mentioning bad things I said that I have forgotten long ago. It is impossible to be happy with someone who is always looking at the past and not at the future. I did not show any intention to reconciliate as a couple, all I did was to demonstrate that I am a great guy whom she can benefit from if she is smart enough to listen to the career advice. She wondered why I would help her but it just happen that I think life is not a zero sum game but that 1+1 can equal to more than 2. Helping people in my network means helping myself too. It does not hurt me.

 

I believe my ex-wife has not changed much, she has just experienced how difficult it is to earn a living. I think she has some regrets but is unwilling to admit it and is therefore enticing me to do the first step toward reconciliation. But I did not. I feel horrible about doing nothing towards reconciliation despite the mixed signals. But the fact is I know I cannot be happy if she keeps a book of wrong and has distorted beliefs. Also, I feel fine without her. If she wanted me back, she had to do much better than that.

 

I feel weird today. Sad because I could have completely changed our destiny again but did nothing. Happy at the same time because I have no drama in my life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

it's good that you can tell the difference between bull**** and reality!

 

She hasnt changed she's all F'ed up in the head, and trust me the minute you let go completely. You will feel a whole lot better. Why did you need to see her again. That's another setback, Your only repeating your cycle of co-dependance. or you just want a villain in your story.

 

I want to see you find a greater woman that's never gonna hurt you but the more you keep involving your ex the more ms.right will never show up. You gotta be free of the mind before you can accept what's in store for you.

 

Good luck.

[thepinched]

oh my goodness. i am not alone. this feels so sublime and surreal. i don't know the background of your story notspirtual, but the end story is the same with me. i have a growing sense of pain, agony, and frustration. My wife may love me, but our relationship feels one sided. My thread for some background. but i have always felt like i need to be "choosen" by the woman. where as you are right i should be the chooser. that stems from my low self-esteem issues. my fear of finding someone again. but much like you i am in a similar position in terms of the career/finances/goals. if i was a single man i would even be further along. in spite of her, i have gotten to were i am.

 

but this is the double edged sword, i can't bear myself to turn my back on her...my darn compassion and caring won't allow it. no matter how wrong a fit we are. we are NOT equals which is what you are saying you want. she is my dependant in almost every way. that is killing me. and sometimes i buy her BS and other times i see it. but rejecting her because she is not good enough seems so hard for me. i am SO burdened by this. She hasn't cheated on me or anything, so i can't fault her for being "evil" but she isn't good to me either. she is happy for me to bear far more than my share. so unwilling to SEE what i do for her...besides her claim that i just make the money.

 

i get so caught up in does SHE love me or not. rather than whats right for ME. it's a vicious cycle i go through continously. my friends, family, and therapist all see it...i apparently live in a parallel universe and can't power myself internally to validate how good i am. that i am extremely worthy of a better life. not to be the man that makes her life comfortable and easy...where i am second or third in my life.

 

i hope to get to where you got. MY LIFE should be better than this. only if i could actually WANT it. too bad my business/professional life hasn't rubbed off on my personal life...i would be on cloud 9. I WANT TO FIND MY KEYS!!!!

[notspiritual]

Chrome:I met her because I wanted to stay friends with her. I feel cool headed enough to have her as a friend while moving on with my life.

 

The pinched: I don’t care if a woman is successful or not but I want a woman who takes responsibility for her own success in life and does not blame me for her every mistake and failure.

 

Trouble is most women prefer to look for a successful man rather than working on their own success. Most women consider the man as the provider. I don’t say it is bad. It is evolutionary biology. I decided I don’t want to provide for a woman because she needs it or wants it but because I want it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome:I met her because I wanted to stay friends with her. I feel cool headed enough to have her as a friend while moving on with my life.

 

The pinched: I don’t care if a woman is successful or not but I want a woman who takes responsibility for her own success in life and does not blame me for her every mistake and failure.

 

Trouble is most women prefer to look for a successful man rather than working on their own success. Most women consider the man as the provider. I don’t say it is bad. It is evolutionary biology. I decided I don’t want to provide for a woman because she needs it or wants it but because I want it.

 

I dont see the need to be friends with anyone the way your soon to be ex treated you, whether she has mental issues, I would forever see her as my betrayer.

 

I think I'm able to forgive anyone, yes. But being good friends take time and she is obviously not being your friend or is treating you in a friendly way. Dont be so naive to think that you wll be friends after the divorce...

 

I wouldnt sleep anywhere or be anywhere near her. Dont enable her or give her money. I fear that she will forever cling to you while she descends into oblivion. She needs to do things on her own.

 

If at some point later on in life when she has matured and grown to where she can see her own faults and acknowledge them in the marriage. Then what the hell is the point of associating with her?

[notspiritual]

I am back to the US from my vacation in my home country where STBX now lives.

 

I feel like helping my STBX in her career because I hate to see wasted potential. She already missed a great opportunity to study and work in the US by deciding to leave me. Of course she did not see it as a missed opportunity, in fact she didn’t understand why she had to do so much effort studying in the US to follow someone unworthy like me. I feel from our recent discussion that she now understands that the effort to study in the US was for her own benefit and not mine.

 

She can cling to me, my career advice are free but my financial help has a limit. I like to sponsor a determination to succeed but not a complaisance to mediocrity. If she gets a good job to start her career, she will stop needing me and will naturally dissapear from my life. Or she will keep being present in my life despite her career success, because she wants it, not because she needs it. Whatever the outcome, helping her will lead to a better situation for her and me.

[MyAbusa]

I am back to the US from my vacation in my home country where STBX now lives.

 

I feel like helping my STBX in her career because I hate to see wasted potential. She already missed a great opportunity to study and work in the US by deciding to leave me. Of course she did not see it as a missed opportunity, in fact she didn’t understand why she had to do so much effort studying in the US to follow someone unworthy like me. I feel from our recent discussion that she now understands that the effort to study in the US was for her own benefit and not mine.

 

She can cling to me, my career advice are free but my financial help has a limit. I like to sponsor a determination to succeed but not a complaisance to mediocrity. If she gets a good job to start her career, she will stop needing me and will naturally dissapear from my life. Or she will keep being present in my life despite her career success, because she wants it, not because she needs it. Whatever the outcome, helping her will lead to a better situation for her and me.

 

Humm... Well, good luck with that. Sounds like you still have a ways to go but to each their own.

[notspiritual]

Thanks to my network of friends, my STBXW got a job with a 1 month trial period at a very good company with a good salary. She said that if she can keep the job I won’t have to help her financially anymore. Some friends think I am way too nice with her. But I think I did the right thing because I now feel so much more peace in my life.

[Kasan]

But I think I did the right thing because I now feel so much more peace in my life.

 

Isn't that what it is all about? You have come so far--well done!

[funkybassplayer]

Thanks to my network of friends, my STBXW got a job with a 1 month trial period at a very good company with a good salary. She said that if she can keep the job I won’t have to help her financially anymore. Some friends think I am way too nice with her. But I think I did the right thing because I now feel so much more peace in my life.[/quote

 

It seems many cant understand that to not abandon people and to give them help will help us to free ourselfs as well, not only to the ex, but anyone who may need help and we are in a position to.

[notspiritual]

It seems many cant understand that to not abandon people and to give them help will help us to free ourselfs as well

 

Even the people who are being helped cannot understand that: My STBXW emailed me to ask me what I am planning against her?!? Then she threatens non-contact if I keep labelling her “my EX” in the emails to my friends as she does not want people to know about our separation.

 

I replied she should stop thinking badly of people who are helping her and stop giving too much importance to what people might think then I wished her good luck in the new job. It seems like she does not know what else to invent to trigger a reaction from me because nothing works anymore! If she had a doubt that I am completely indifferent to NC or not NC, now she knows that I am. I have become a rock against drama and bullsh*t.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Man as soon as she left I would have disconneted my number and just disappeared. Left her fend for herself.

 

But if NS wants to just take care of her until she gets on her feet, then I'm cool with it.

 

Although if I was in his shoes. I would be chilling on a beach in hawaii with a nice hula dancer by my side jigging and sipping mojito's.

 

[notspiritual]

I can’t believe I just refused a 250k job offer but I had to do it because I had already accepted a 200k offer from another company. People told me that everybody backs out and company hires “at will”, so you have to do what is best for you. But I could not ethically do it. I thought I would go crazy when I rejected the offer. Everything was better: the compensation, the work hours, the location, the content, the responsibility.

 

But the totally unexpected beauty of being ethical and true with myself is that the company is now willing to keep in touch and reinitiate their offer at a later stage! Even if the job is filled in a few months, they are willing to create a new positon for me at any time.

 

I say: do what is right, be true with yourself. Even if it seems to suck in the short term, the universe will reward you in the long term. I guess it is called karma. But even if the universe does not reward you, your true reward is that you have been real with yourself.

 

What is this having to do with marriage and separation? A lot. I believe in being true with yourself, not angry, or indifferent or reactive or non contact but real.

[notspiritual]

A friend dragged me to an exclusive NYC strip club.

I am now convinced that women are perverted animals. I kind of like that.

The girls over there clearly want your money but so do most wives.

The strippers at least are honest about it while the wives are like a bomb waiting to explode in your face and financially devastate you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

A friend dragged me to an exclusive NYC strip club.

I am now convinced that women are perverted animals. I kind of like that.

The girls over there clearly want your money but so do most wives.

The strippers at least are honest about it while the wives are like a bomb waiting to explode in your face and financially devastate you.

 

Sad but sadly more is that, sometimes it's true.

 

But dont dwell on the pain. You having all that boatload of money is onyl gonna expose you to goldiggers dont be so surprised.

 

What you do is keep your finances secret and dress like a bum if a woman likes you, she will not for your money.

[notspiritual]

My ex has been calling me almost everyday just to talk. Because I am friendly, she thinks I want to reconciliate and harshly told me to forget any hope of reconciliation. I told her that she misinterpreted my friendship for an attempt to reconciliate and can now feel reassured that I am not trying to reconciliate. I am just being friendly. Despite what she claims, I can sense jealousy as she wants to know if I have a new girlfriend and if I have met new women.

 

I told her I am a new person and I have new criteria I want in a woman. One of the criteria is a woman who shares the same conception of love as mine. My conception is that to love is to want the happiness of the other person. My ex told me this is mere friendship, not love. She said she wants someone she can admire (someone more spiritual than me).

 

I told her we are therefore incompatible as we have different concepts of love. So she can rest assured that I am not trying to reconciliate. I told her I’d rather be with a woman who wants my happiness than one who admires me. I wished her good luck in finding someone she can admire and who will admire her in return while I will be looking for someone I can make happy and will make me happy in return.

[Chrome Barracuda]

My ex has been calling me almost everyday just to talk. Because I am friendly, she thinks I want to reconciliate and harshly told me to forget any hope of reconciliation. I told her that she misinterpreted my friendship for an attempt to reconciliate and can now feel reassured that I am not trying to reconciliate. I am just being friendly. Despite what she claims, I can sense jealousy as she wants to know if I have a new girlfriend and if I have met new women.

 

I told her I am a new person and I have new criteria I want in a woman. One of the criteria is a woman who shares the same conception of love as mine. My conception is that to love is to want the happiness of the other person. My ex told me this is mere friendship, not love. She said she wants someone she can admire (someone more spiritual than me).

 

I told her we are therefore incompatible as we have different concepts of love. So she can rest assured that I am not trying to reconciliate. I told her I’d rather be with a woman who wants my happiness than one who admires me. I wished her good luck in finding someone she can admire and who will admire her in return while I will be looking for someone I can make happy and will make me happy in return.

 

That is why NC is essential for you to heal. Wayward spouses and people who cheat inadverently hurt you. She has continued to hurt you. Every step of the damn way.

 

Why are you taking her calls?

 

Now that you say your incompatible you should not speak to her ever again. All that friend's crap get's thrown out the window!!!

 

Leave her alone man she's bad news!

[notspiritual]

She is in bad terms with all the members of her family (parents + brother and sisters). She insulted her brother who was helping her installing internet at home while she was at work just because he did not close the door between her room and her roomate’s room. She creates enemy out of people willing to help her. She also kicked many of her oldest friends out of her life because they are not true spiritual buddhist. Her religion is not a sect but her approach to religion is frighteningly fanatic. Now she has no family to turn to and has only friends who share her distorted view of the world because she feeds them with lies about how bad I am.

 

I know she is completely lost and does not even know it. I promised to myself to not letting anyone down until I tried my best. It is probably hopeless but I will help her. I know I have nothing to gain out of it. But it is just my nature to help people. Believe me it takes superhero skills to maintain a friendship with her. I truly don't want her back, I just want to help her.

 

Don’t worry, I am very strong mentally and emotionally and I know what I am doing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She is in bad terms with all the members of her family (parents + brother and sisters). She insulted her brother who was helping her installing internet at home while she was at work just because he did not close the door between her room and her roomate’s room. She creates enemy out of people willing to help her. She also kicked many of her oldest friends out of her life because they are not true spiritual buddhist. Her religion is not a sect but her approach to religion is frighteningly fanatic. Now she has no family to turn to and has only friends who share her distorted view of the world because she feeds them with lies about how bad I am.

 

I know she is completely lost and does not even know it. I promised to myself to not letting anyone down until I tried my best. It is probably hopeless but I will help her. I know I have nothing to gain out of it. But it is just my nature to help people. Believe me it takes superhero skills to maintain a friendship with her. I truly don't want her back, I just want to help her.

 

Don’t worry, I am very strong mentally and emotionally and I know what I am doing.

 

If you say so...

 

But in all actuality if she's such a toxic person she shouldnt be around you for your growth. She's holding you back, but I understand that you dont want to leave her shorthanded but you gotta stop holding her hand. Is she a child or a woman who accepts responsibilites for her actions?

 

I think it's time to let her go. You did all you can. I understand about caring for her but IMO you should run far away from her. She's only limiting yiur growth as a person. Stopping you from healing. Time away from her will enable you to see clearly.

[notspiritual]

Since my last post, my STBXW has been calling me every week just to chat. One week, she told me she would give me a second chance if I attended 1 year of zen meditation and 1 year of psychological consultation. The next week, probably because I did not take her offer, she said that I should not cultivate any hope and that we should stop talking. I told her not to worry about making me cultivate false hope because I never felt as happy and free in my entire life being single. The next week she called again to ask about my relationship situation. I told her I am dating many women, many of them fit the casual fling category but none so far fitted the long term relationship criteria. She wanted to learn about my criteria for a long term relationship so I sent her a list of 15 qualities I look for in a woman. The list was inspired by what my STBXW did not have. I told her if she acquired these qualities, I might give her a second chance.

 

Today, I feel friendship, compassion and affection towards my STBXW. For many men, it would be enough to fight and save the marriage, but not for me. I have forgiven but I cannot forget how badly hurt I was. I promised to myself to never again let any woman the power to sabotage my life.

 

A side note on dating. It is wonderful to discover that there are women with qualities I would have never suspected they could have: financial independence, making me laugh. However, I find it interesting to note that many women have low self-esteem, are passive in life and have a poor sense of reality. Well, it is just my experience of 2 month of heavy dating, it doesn’t mean it is the truth.

[redblack66]

Since my last post, my STBXW has been calling me every week just to chat. One week, she told me she would give me a second chance if I attended 1 year of zen meditation and 1 year of psychological consultation. The next week, probably because I did not take her offer, she said that I should not cultivate any hope and that we should stop talking. I told her not to worry about making me cultivate false hope because I never felt as happy and free in my entire life being single. The next week she called again to ask about my relationship situation. I told her I am dating many women, many of them fit the casual fling category but none so far fitted the long term relationship criteria. She wanted to learn about my criteria for a long term relationship so I sent her a list of 15 qualities I look for in a woman. The list was inspired by what my STBXW did not have. I told her if she acquired these qualities, I might give her a second chance.

You are cool. Do you feel more interest in STBXW towards you after she knows you are dating?

I promised to myself to never again let any woman the power to sabotage my life.

Great. I promised myself the same.

A side note on dating. It is wonderful to discover that there are women with qualities I would have never suspected they could have: financial independence, making me laugh. However, I find it interesting to note that many women have low self-esteem, are passive in life and have a poor sense of reality. Well, it is just my experience of 2 month of heavy dating, it doesn’t mean it is the truth.

What is the age group of your dates? Your observations are interesting.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Since my last post, my STBXW has been calling me every week just to chat. One week, she told me she would give me a second chance if I attended 1 year of zen meditation and 1 year of psychological consultation. The next week, probably because I did not take her offer, she said that I should not cultivate any hope and that we should stop talking. I told her not to worry about making me cultivate false hope because I never felt as happy and free in my entire life being single. The next week she called again to ask about my relationship situation. I told her I am dating many women, many of them fit the casual fling category but none so far fitted the long term relationship criteria. She wanted to learn about my criteria for a long term relationship so I sent her a list of 15 qualities I look for in a woman. The list was inspired by what my STBXW did not have. I told her if she acquired these qualities, I might give her a second chance.

 

Today, I feel friendship, compassion and affection towards my STBXW. For many men, it would be enough to fight and save the marriage, but not for me. I have forgiven but I cannot forget how badly hurt I was. I promised to myself to never again let any woman the power to sabotage my life.

 

A side note on dating. It is wonderful to discover that there are women with qualities I would have never suspected they could have: financial independence, making me laugh. However, I find it interesting to note that many women have low self-esteem, are passive in life and have a poor sense of reality. Well, it is just my experience of 2 month of heavy dating, it doesn’t mean it is the truth.

 

After everything she did to you, she offered you a chance to reconsile???

 

LMAO!!!! I would have busted my ass laughing!!!

 

You should have been running to the hills!

 

Man your ex is crazy, I still say dont be friends with her, but hey that's all good. As long as she stays the hell outta your way.

 

It's good to hear from you, you sound mad happy, not resentful or angry. That's what I'm talking about!

[notspiritual]

Indeed I believe am happy. I realized that to be happy, my happiness should not depend on any women. I realized how fragile happiness is when it depends on another person.

 

The idea of separation seemed horrible in the beginning. The fear of the unknown was overwhelming. But as time goes by, I got used to the unknown. In fact the unknown becomes exciting, I am looking forward to it now. Sometimes I wonder how a person I loved so much could hurt me so much. It was beyond my comprehension. But as time goes by, I care less and less. People have their own reasons to do what they have to do. I am not responsible for their acts. I am only responsible for how I will respond to their acts. And I did my best to do the right things without letting my anger or resentment messing things up.

 

The right question to ask was not “how could a person I loved so much hurt me so much?” but “should I keep loving that much a person who could hurt me so much”. I realized that I totally undervalued myself. Now I consider that my love should not be given freely to any women just because of her good looks, she has to deserve it and work hard to win it! The women I dated so far are 25-30. Most expect me to do all the courting, the giving but some of them work hard to please me. It is how I screen out non giving women.

 

6 more months and I can finalize the divorce papers.

[Gunny376]

Good to hear from you NS, and glad to hear your doing so well ~ all the way around. Mentally, emotionally ~ LOL~ and spiritually!

 

I've always found you to be logical and methodical ~ if not analytical in your approach ~ and that can be a good thing when dealing with (dating, mating game) that is more often than not the polar oppossite?

 

I for one would be interested (if you would like to share) the fifteen qualities that your looking for in a woman/mate.

 

I for one am not looking for marriage? Marriage? Marriage is going to have to find me? I'm not looking for it. Nor am I'm looking for "true and everylasting love" Hell, I'm not really even looking for a steady girlfriend. Most are just a waste of time, effort, energy and money IMHO. And, I've got better things to do with my time, efforts, energy, and money.

 

I like you have become very selective in who I offer what I've got. Which is worse than some, but better than most in the part of the country that I live in.

 

At 50, apparently when it comes to women? The tables have been flipped, and me, myself and I are a very desirable commodity. There are more women than men to begin with? As we age? The dating pool gets smaller and smaller for women.

 

You once said that you didn't believe in LTR's anymore but opted for dating a series of women. I agree with this. Or at least for me at this stage in life that I find myself in.

 

As a man, I'm the one that's got to do the initating, the pursuing, the courting, etc. Many women still subscribe to the notion that all they've got to do is show up?

 

I read two interesting articles the last couple of days about the dating and mating game. One per my age group was about a man who totally invested hisself in his marriage and his wife, and never nutured any real outside interests nor friends outside of the marriage ~ and now the wife has be diagnosed with cancer ~ and he's afraid and scared. Again? This is where the idea that the "Casserole Brigade" (50+) would be all over him.

 

Another was about how many women have the attitude that it should be all about "them" and that for sex to occur it has to be a special occassion or they otherwise have to "earn it" ~ Forget that!

 

That door swings both ways!

 

Its not ~ "ME, ME, ME!" ~ Its not what I can do for you, but what can you do for me? Its not what I've got to offer you? But, what have you got to offer me?

 

Its not ~ "What have you done for me, can do for me and have done for me lately!"

 

I'm looking for a equal partner and she's going to have to bring something to the table besides just sex and a hot bod!

 

And, yea. You've got to have a shopping list. And you need to learn how pre-qualify and screen out all the losers, users, and abusers.

 

Again, good to hear from you! Let us know how things are going from time to time. We could use your insight and experiences!

[notspiritual]

Thanks Gunny for your appreciation!

 

To your request, here is the list of 15 qualities I look for in a woman. The list is a work in progress as I acquire more experience. The qualities are not strict rules but guidelines. Also they match my personality traits which is not necessarily applicable to everyone. Some of them are obvious on paper, but it is my experience that we tend to forget the obvious when we are in a relationship. Having standards does not mean I can’t be passionate with women who do not meet my standards. It only means that I would be a fool to enter a long term relationship with them.

 

So in no particular order, the 15 qualities I am looking for in a woman:

 

1. Does not depend on me financially.

2. Gives more love.

3. Appreciates my sense of humor.

4. Does not interpret all my actions as ill intentioned and manipulative.

5. Makes me happy.

6. Respects my freedom.

7. Will not leave me because of an argument.

8. Able to understand my viewpoint, able to put herself into other people’s shoes, she has empathy.

9. Thinks as much about my current happiness as well as about my future happiness.

10. Does not blame me for her failures and errors. Is able to take care of herself alone.

11. Does not control what friends I am allowed to have.

12. Does not require me to spend all my free time to take care of her.

13. Is spiritual, not in a fanatic, elitist or meditative way but in every days life.

14. Is not jealous.

15. Makes me laugh.

 

I don't have the impression that I am asking for too much. I am not against LTR with the right woman.

But multiple short term relationships makes a lot of sense.