will it work?

[passionateconfusion]

After 5 years of seperation my b/f has decided to return to the marital home. He feels he needs to be a full time father to his 2 kids under 10.

 

He and his wife were having issues at the time of their split and she also found out he was having an affair.

 

He had been with 2 other women before me and she was also involved with someone.

 

He loves me but feels this is what he has to do. He's told me he will miss me. I have been nothing but a great g/f and he thinks I am wonderful, he just feels he HAS to do this. He is very extreme. I think he is very confused and feeling a lot of guilt.

 

He says he and the W have had a change of attitude about things. I really dont think after being apart for 5 years it will work.

 

Any thoughts?

[sedgwick]

I actually respect him for what he's doing. If she's willing to take him back after they both cheated on each other, and if they both really want to be in the home with their kids, it might work out, even after five years. Sometimes it takes that long to get our sh*t together and realize what we want.

 

I know you love him, but think about the fact that now you're free to find someone unencumbered who's ALL YOURS. Someone who doesn't already have a wife and kids.

 

Take comfort in the fact that, even though this really, really sucks, it doesn't have anything at all to do with you or what a good girlfriend you were.

[passionateconfusion]

There are many details that I didn't mention. This has been going for the past 6 months. It started with him saying he is confused. I have always encouraged him that the children should be a priority and he is a great father.

 

During the past 6 months it has been hands off/hands on. From July to mid Ausgust we were back to where we should be. His kids were away most of the summer and I knew he was having dinner with her on occasion. I think if he was really committed to reconciling the marriage he would have been spending more time with her. She has no idea about me and he doesn't plan on telling her.

 

I asked him the other night if he loves me and he does, he also said he will miss me. I know he has to do this. He has said that I have treated him like no other woman and he has never felt so much love. This decison is based on the head not the heart.

 

This is not an easy situation to explain because so many things don't fall into a particular mode.

[butterfly37]

I respect him for what he is doing as well. Doing what is right is almost always the hardest thing to do. But it is always worth it. He will truly be blessed for letting go of his selfish ways to give his wife, kids and family the life that they deserve. He's doing what a real man would do. He is growing up. Taking care of his. Let him go if you really love him. If he has a lot of guilt about what he is doing(being separated from his wife and kids) that means that his soul is telling him that what he is doing is wrong. And he will never feel good about himself until he honestly deals with it. You knew that he was a married man when you got yourself involved with him, right? You knew it was a gamble, that he might go back to his family. If you are honest with yourself, it was always a possibility, right? He wasn't a free man. Let him go.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

After five years of seperation, where he has sustained what I'm assuming is a good relationship with his children, I dont believe he is returning only for the sake of them. He sounds as though he remains committed to his wife and to his marriage.

 

I dont know if it will work after five years of seperation, but I think the fact he is still willing and has not moved on with his life during that period, that he probably isnt going to move on any further quickly when he is back in the marital fold.

 

I dont necessarily believe staying for the kids. I was one of those kids and it certainly didnt work for me or my parents. It may be a very different situation when he is back in the marital home and having to deal with his marriage full time. It may help him resolve those issues and rebuild his marriage or resolve those issues and move on. It all depends on how committed they are.

 

As for you, are you thinking of waiting for him to see if it works out?

[passionateconfusion]

I am taking things one day at a time. I love him and want him back. When we first met how would I even consider him going back after 5 years ... I stress they were both involved with others. I believe that things didn't workout with her and her b/f which is why she has expressed new interest in him. They have never dealt with their issues and they have to. He refers to her as ' the childrens mother'. Things were too good for us. He needs to figure it out or he will never be totally mine. I am the one that has 'made him a better man', those are his words. He may be very confused but not stupid.

 

Je ne regrette - he has moved on, he was living with somebody and that ended and they both walked away. It wasnt the same for us, neither one of us wants to let go. He is up and down and unfortunately I have been along for that ride. I have been an outlet for much of his frustration.

 

I know this may be hard for many of you to understand as this really isn't a normal situation.

[Lizzie60]

Eventhough 5 years is a very long time to be separated from the spouse and the kids... no one can say for sure that it can't work, no one can predict the future...

 

Maybe he realized, (I suspect he must be in his 30s or early 40s) after all these years... that it's not 'greener' out there...and that he might as well try to work things out with her... at least he will be there for his kids...

 

I realized that too, when I separated the last time... after 5 years common-law..that no matter how much you are in love with someone...after the passion is gone.. it's the same old with just about anyone... so... in my case, that's why I decided to stay single... my kids were grown-up...

 

So my bet is that he realized that it's best for him to remain with her for the kids...but I doubt he will not have more affairs or sex on the side... this is quite addictive.

[passionateconfusion]

That is the thing, we have the passion. He is 46 with a high drive, we ML 4 to 5 times a night, I too have a high drive, he has never heard no from me. That is why I say - there is nothing wrong with us - he is a man of extremes who loves his kids - when this all started he said 'if I am meant to spend the rest of my life with a wonderful woman then I need to know - I will have to divorce' - he is questioning ... after 5 years if it was my influence that brought him to this point then that is a good thing.

 

Regarding being a married man - he has never referred to himself in that manner and really what are the odds of this happening after 5 years - I don't think I went into this blindly.

[Gunny376]

THIS is almost identical to my last LTR.

 

Except, the Hex and I were divorced. I'm from Al, but had to finish my twenty up in the Corps in NC. Meet a gal from Easter North Carolina. We had a six-and-half year relationship.

 

I refer to "D" as "the right woman ~ in the wrong place ~ at the wrong time" in my life. We had an almost perfect relationship. To quote her? "Sex was NEVER one of our problems ~ but our "R" was much, much more than just about sex!

 

When I retired out of the Corps ~ I HAD to move back to Alabama! Had to! Because of my children. As damned hard as it was, and as painful as it was, etc. I'm glad I did it!

 

We broke up because I couldn't move back to NC and leave my "family" and she couldn't move to AL and leave hers. Such is life.

 

Now that things have all "washed out" over the last twelve years? I'm glad I made the decision I did. For all practical purposes, my son and daughter, and grandson are all the family I've really got? Oh, I've got first cousins from coast to coast. But none I'm really close to nor with! My most beloved Aunts and Uncles have died or dying. Moving back allowed me to spend the last seven years with my Dad, and I'll always cherish that.

 

Your choices? Stay where you're at? And find you someone else? Or? Move to where he's at!

[kobegirl]

men like that say just about anything to keep the other women happy .Alot of men are pretty selfish in general i think , and i am pretty darn sure he isnt moving back in his wife for his childrens sake's alone . It sounds like to me he Loves his wife, and he wants things to work out between them. he isnt going to tell you the truth about how he feels about you because that would just cause drama. If he loved you he would move in with you . i dont know if it will work out between them but i would say you really deserve to be with someone who thinks of you and you alone as his one and only ... I feel that he is using you to buffer his feelings about his wife .