No Contact and the Ex

[oasis]

I know that no contact is meant for healing and not for luring back an ex. I have been in strict no contact for 1 month now.

 

But I have to ask, does maintaining no contact makes you appear more "attractive" to an ex?

 

Thoughts anyone?

[Ocean-Blue]

It all really depends on the couple and the reasons for the break up (and whether it was mutual or not).

 

For example, if it was a mutual break up (i.e. fighting too much) then perhaps the time apart might stir up old feelings for either partner. However, if it was a matter of X getting dumped by Y, I highly doubt Y would all of a sudden be attracted to X merely b/c of NC. But again, it depends on the reasons. It's hard to speculate without more details.

 

I can tell you from personal experience however that after my ex maintained strict NC I began to truly mourn the death of "us" (I broke it off with him - for various reasons, but lack of chemistry was the biggest). But does having NC make me attracted to him? Absolutely not! However, it does make make me miss him (he was my best friend).

[oasis]

Ocean-blue, I was dumped without explantion out of the blue. We dated 3 months. Before that, we got along reasonably well, so I was stunned by his sudden disappearance. I believe that he found some one else, but I had no closure. I can only speculate.

[Ocean-Blue]

How interested was he during the relationship? What was the chemistry like?

 

I ask this b/c if there was a lot of chemistry/attraction, then he may end up returning (especially if he finds that you've moved on and are doing your own thing).

 

If he did find someone else and didn't even have the decency to tell you (and provide you with closure) I say keep up the NC! Not only that, get out there and have fun. Move on with your life, meet people, get a new wardrobe. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself busy (instead of focusing you energy on getting closure from someone who clearly has no regard for your feelings).

 

Who knows, he may even contact you once he discovers that you could care less about him!

[oasis]

He seemed very interested. He always made it a point to text/call and see me whenever he has free time. He was the pursuer and appeared to be "into me". Apart from from a couple of disagreements, we had great conversations, great sex and romantic dinners. I ask my self everyday, how can someone so suddenly abandon that?

 

I can make a guess as to why. I wanted more from the relationship. I did not expressed it fully, but he may have sensed it. Maybe he felt that he just could'nt give me more and did not have the guts to tell me. So he just upped and left.

[Lyssa]

OceanBlue has pretty good advice there.

 

It was wrong of him to just leave you without any explaination. I hate being left hanging - not knowing anything. What I did was I totally cut all contacts (NC obviously) and after a few months, he came back and explained to me why he left.

 

Well, it was too late then. I moved on and it was the best decision I've ever made back then.

 

Go out and have fun. He's probably doing just that right now. You wouldn't want to feel left out, now would you?

 

*hugs*

[oasis]

Lyssa, if you don't mind me asking, when your ex returned, what was his explanation for leaving and how long did he took before he contacted you?

[CaliGuy]

I know that no contact is meant for healing and not for luring back an ex. I have been in strict no contact for 1 month now.

 

But I have to ask, does maintaining no contact makes you appear more "attractive" to an ex?

 

Thoughts anyone?

 

It could, but that shouldn't be your focus. You shouldn't even be thinking about it. If you're mainintaining NC, you should be completely focused on YOU and getting your life back together.

 

The more you think about the ex and what they could be doing the less effective NC really is.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa, if you don't mind me asking, when your ex returned, what was his explanation for leaving and how long did he took before he contacted you?

 

My ex told me that he had changed after he came back from studying overseas. He was so used to being on his own that being around everyone was sort of suffocating.

 

Turned out that wasn't the truth. Our best friend told me that my ex explained to him how his mother was pressuring him about me. She changed her perception of me after hearing some rumours from this other guy we all knew. My ex said he didn't want me to think bad of him or his family (huh??). Apart from that, he didn't know how else to tell me so he figured he might as well just do something to make me hate him.

 

Our best friend adviced him to tell me the truth so he came back again with the truth. I was very hurt but I didn't hate him. I actually wanted to know the truth - it didn't matter if it hurt me big time or not. All I wanted was the truth.

 

The thing I hate the most from a BF would be if he left me hanging. I hate that. I have never done that to any guy and would never do it. It's just not right.

 

Oh and it took him about a month to come clean.

[oasis]

Thanks Caliguy for your input.

 

I should not be spending most of my time focusing on the impact of NC, but should be spending it on rebuilding my life. I feel as if I am caught in a time warp and not able to move on. Abandonment brings on a different kind of heartache. It carries a sad and profund hurt with ongoing questions of how could they do that you?

 

I am trying to move on, but the unanswered questions keeps me paralyzed.

 

Thanks Lyssa for sharing your story, even though they are different circumstances, it gives me some insight into my own situation. And yes, it is horrible to just leave someone hanging without explanation. It shows total disrespect. That is the biggest sources of my pain.

[Lyssa]

Thanks Caliguy for your input.

 

I should not be spending most of my time focusing on the impact of NC, but should be spending it on rebuilding my life. I feel as if I am caught in a time warp and not able to move on. Abandonment brings on a different kind of heartache. It carries a sad and profund hurt with ongoing questions of how could they do that you?

 

I am trying to move on, but the unanswered questions keeps me paralyzed.

 

Thanks Lyssa for sharing your story, even though they are different circumstances, it gives me some insight into my own situation. And yes, it is horrible to just leave someone hanging without explanation. It shows total disrespect. That is the biggest sources of my pain.

 

No worries. Oh and you should listen to CaliGuy - he knows what he's talking about!

 

All the best, sweetie!

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Caliguy for your input.

 

I should not be spending most of my time focusing on the impact of NC, but should be spending it on rebuilding my life. I feel as if I am caught in a time warp and not able to move on. Abandonment brings on a different kind of heartache. It carries a sad and profund hurt with ongoing questions of how could they do that you?

 

I am trying to move on, but the unanswered questions keeps me paralyzed.

 

I've been in your shoes. Closure is what you make of it. What has happened is done and over with so what you have left is just you.

 

Life is truly 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it.

[oasis]

Lack of closure is like a betrayal. You were both in this thing together and the other person left without saying anything. You are left trying to figure out what happened. You feel as if you cannot move on until you find out the reason.

 

At the end of the day, that person is still gone, so why is the reason so important?

[tinke]

because i believe we all would expect and appreciate just common decency from the ones we chose to share our lives with............

[carrotgirl]

Oasis,

 

I got dumped out of the blue too. It's been one week. From seeming bliss one day to I don't love you the next. He's made himself available to talk. He answers whatever I ask. He has no answers for me other than "I don't love you."

 

It's not what I'm used to hearing or reading about and not in my own experience since what he says is the opposite of what he does. It seems to me most men and women will say I love you and act otherwise. He's still exceptionally sweet and loving.

 

I insisted he stop saying it for that very reason and because he's only going to hate himself for saying it later I'm sure. I have to say he seemed very relieved I did that. And we're still all busted up so it doesn't much matter.

 

He isn't seeing someone else. He doesn't want me out of his life. He thinks I'm beautiful, smart, funny, fun, exciting and so on. He still says I'm everything he's looking for in a woman. But "I don't love you."

 

So that's what I'm running with. He said he doesn't love me. Not he doesn't love me because he doesn't do this or does do that. Just - he said he doesn't love me. Now if I had said that to him instead no one would be arguing with me and telling me no way Carrot - you really love that guy!

 

Right?

 

Every person who knows us says he'll be back. He's crazy about you. You two have something together. All the things I don't really want to believe because they make this break hurt more. And I don't think he will be back. I want it. I want it badly but I don't think it's going to happen.

 

I stopped talking to him two days ago. He kept talking to me a little. I was working at Starbucks the other night just to be out of doors I looked up from my laptop and there he was watching me. He was staring so intently. He looked like he was looking for something. Our eyes met and stayed. He looked away and I looked to my work.

 

He made a point of catching my attention and saying good night when he left later. It sent me over the edge. Panic. Manic. Whatever you want to call it. Since then I've kept myself away from anywhere our paths could cross as much as possible. We share a lot of friends. He says hi. I say hi. But nothing more.

 

It's only been a week but this is really hurting. And what was my point? Oh. It's that there is no knowing what is behind his words or the break for me. It's too much work to try and guess. I'm sticking with facts. We're not together now. I wanted something else. I'm not going to have that something else. It's over. It just is.

 

And for some reason I feel like hugging you. I'm so sorry you got dumped out of the blue.

 

Carrot

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Honestly, I don't think it's ever good to ask yourself that question because it'll just bring you right back to square one.

[mikefromnc]

My ex and I had issues. She needed more personal space than me, and I took that as she was distancing herself from me. The more clingy I got, the more distant she became, it was a vicious circle that culminated with her leaving everything of mine including the key at my place while I was at work. She said she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to talk about it. Everyone I talked to said don't call her, don't email, don't do anything. They were right. Two weeks after doing what she did, she sent a short email saying she felt bad about the way she handled things. I ignored it. 8 days later she sent a longer email saying she was really sorry, she had issues she was trying to deal with, and if I never talked to her again she would understand. This email got me to call her, that was three days ago.

We agreed to meet at her house and talk about things. When I walked into her house she hugged me and 2 minutes later we were both crying. She had become more and more depressed the whole 3 weeks we were apart. She missed me.

If I had started calling her that first week were apart, I would have begged and pleaded and pushed right out of my life. The time apart made me stronger and made her realize she missed me. We have a lot of work to do, but I really think that things will be better than before.

Not talking to her for 24 days was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. She called to tell me goodnight last night, I can't express to you how much I love this girl. Now I have to keep working on my issues and she has to work on hers, but the lines of communication are open and we are really talking.

It is hard, but regardless the outcome, I think it is best for the dumpee from the beginning to go NC, atleast until you become strong enough not to beg.

Good luck.

[chocolat07]

I agree with everyone... it's bad enough having to go through the grieving process after a breakup or divorce with knowledge of why it happened. I can't even imagine going through the pain and agony of a breakup/divorce without knowing why it happened in the first place. CaliGuy is right, you should really focus on you and try not to dwell on it too much. Keep yourself busy and get rid of any photos, emails, etc., that will remind you of your ex. I'm sure he will try to contact you one day... and hopefully, by that time you're a different person - stronger and wiser. Best of luck to you...

[oasis]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

The compassion shows here on LS is comforting and everyone is total agreement that he was disrespectful and cowardly by just disappearing.

 

It has been another week of NC, which is now 5 weeks, but I am starting to gain some foothold. I am in a much better place than I was last week. I have started to become more active. The gym has helped a lot. I am redecorating my apartment and this week, I received a salary increase at work. Those things have helped to enhance my mood.

 

Like Caliguy said, I have to find closure within myself. I am trying with support from friends. I began to take off the rose colored glasses and starting to see him for exactly what he is. A coward.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Oasis

[BestAdvisor1]

 

Like Caliguy said, I have to find closure within myself. I am trying with support from friends. I began to take off the rose colored glasses and starting to see him for exactly what he is. A coward.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Oasis

 

Maybe he's just not that into you or maybe he found someone he loves more. Just move on.

[Ocean-Blue]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

The compassion shows here on LS is comforting and everyone is total agreement that he was disrespectful and cowardly by just disappearing.

 

It has been another week of NC, which is now 5 weeks, but I am starting to gain some foothold. I am in a much better place than I was last week. I have started to become more active. The gym has helped a lot. I am redecorating my apartment and this week, I received a salary increase at work. Those things have helped to enhance my mood.

 

Like Caliguy said, I have to find closure within myself. I am trying with support from friends. I began to take off the rose colored glasses and starting to see him for exactly what he is. A coward.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Oasis

 

Good for you! Time and NC really does make it much better (and I say this as someone who left her ex after a very LTR). And while the circumstances of our breakup are different from yours, I can tell you that he's moved on and is very happy where he is.

 

Sometimes, that's all you can do. Move on. I hope you stick to NC and keep focusing on yourself.

[oasis]

Good for you! Time and NC really does make it much better (and I say this as someone who left her ex after a very LTR). And while the circumstances of our breakup are different from yours, I can tell you that he's moved on and is very happy where he is.

 

Sometimes, that's all you can do. Move on. I hope you stick to NC and keep focusing on yourself.

 

 

Thanks Ocean-Blue! I plan to NC him forever.

 

Take Care!

 

Oasis

[oasis]

It is a great way to find out if your ex still has feelings for you.

I highly suggest it as the WAY to get back with any ex is there are still feelings there.

It was worked so well for me.

One of the hardest things i EVER did because my ex dumped me and then dated a new girl.

He kept trying to stay friends while dating her.

Instead I went dark/vanished and otherwise ignored him.

When pressed I pretended to have not received his emails/phone calls/ims.

I seemed so busy that it was plausible I wouldnt notice his communications.

This went on for nearly 6 weeks.

ALso while he and I were apart I did distract myself with other men.

You must keep dating and seeing other people while apart !

I even had a sexy FWB. But I sitll had incredible feelings an dlove fo rmy ex, so even great sex with an FWB didnt change that.

Then when my ex finally said he was single again and longed to dated me I let him into my life sloooooowly.

That went on for another 5 weeks.

And now everything is rock solid wonderful.

 

Thanks Greenfrog. I think that by maintaining NC I have started to heal. The shock is wearing off and I am starting to feel like my old self again. And honestly speaking, if he comes knocking, I cannot imagine going back with someone who can dispose of me so easily. Unless, he does a LOT of groveling.

 

I think that somehow, I am getting revenge in that I am moving on with my life and every day it is looking better and better without him being a part of it.

 

That is indeed living well. And with time it will prove to be his loss (if it hasn't already).

[oasis]

I wrote this thread regarding how the ex just disappeared without a word and was hoping that No Contact would make me more appealing to him.

 

Well after 2.5 months of No Contact he called last night. I froze when I saw his number on the caller I.D. and I knew that I could not pick it up. The call went to voicemail, but he did not leave a message. A minute later, he called my cell and yet I did not pick up. Again, he did not leave a message.

 

I had started to feel much better. Recently, I have begun re-decorating my home and have gotten caught up in fabrics, furniture and color palettes. I had just re-marked to my girl friend how much better I have been feeling lately. The gym had also helped tremendously.

 

 

As an aside, my ex ex called last Wednesday, just 4 days apart from the current ex, after 4 months of NC. This "re-visiting the scene of the crime" from the exes, has just re-inforced what has been preached on this board over and over again. When you are dumped, immediately go into NC. NC is like a deep, dark dungeon, but eventually you will crawl out of there and into the sunshine.

 

And I have no intentions of calling back the most recent ex.

 

Thanks to everyone Cali-guy, Lyssa, Ocean-blue et al who helped me when I was crawling into the pits of hell.

[Ocean-Blue]

I wrote this thread regarding how the ex just disappeared without a word and was hoping that No Contact would make me more appealing to him.

 

Well after 2.5 months of No Contact he called last night. I froze when I saw his number on the caller I.D. and I knew that I could not pick it up. The call went to voicemail, but he did not leave a message. A minute later, he called my cell and yet I did not pick up. Again, he did not leave a message.

 

I had started to feel much better. Recently, I have begun re-decorating my home and have gotten caught up in fabrics, furniture and color palettes. I had just re-marked to my girl friend how much better I have been feeling lately. The gym had also helped tremendously.

 

 

As an aside, my ex ex called last Wednesday, just 4 days apart from the current ex, after 4 months of NC. This "re-visiting the scene of the crime" from the exes, has just re-inforced what has been preached on this board over and over again. When you are dumped, immediately go into NC. NC is like a deep, dark dungeon, but eventually you will crawl out of there and into the sunshine.

 

And I have no intentions of calling back the most recent ex.

 

Thanks to everyone Cali-guy, Lyssa, Ocean-blue et al who helped me when I was crawling into the pits of hell.

 

oasis! A big KUDOS to you friend. You stuck to NC, and that is HARD to do. Some would've given in and picked up his call (especially since he kept trying to call).

 

I'm glad you stuck your guns. You're the ideal example of the +es of NC. I hope you continue to focus on what's important to you.

 

And thanks for providing an update.