Married and Wanting More...pls help

[A]

I am desperate for advice...I have been married for 4 years, together with this man for 7 total. It has been a long and rocky road throughout our relationship starting from early on. We have 2 small children which we had early in the relationship. My problem is the fact that I feel like I am completely falling out of love with him. There was a long time that I honestly felt we were soulmates, and he could have done anything to me, and I would have stayed. Its not that he abuses me, or is bad to the kids, we just have zero communication, and it is really starting to get me down. Everytime I say something like, "can we talk about..." he rolls his eyes and automatically sees it as a bitch session for me.

 

Subsequently, I have been "chatting" online for quite a few months, and really enjoying the conversation and attention I have been getting from men other than my husband. This chatting, has in turn led to a few occasions of phone sex, which I am finding myself enjoying as well.

 

Lately, I have been finding myself going out with the only intention of flirting with men, I have not physically acted on anything yet, but the desire is so strong, I really don't trust myself.

 

I don't want to be a cheater, that is really not who I am, but yet I feel like something in me is telling me to go for it. My friends have told me to just stop all of this cold turkey and try to focus on my marriage, but I can't, nor do I really want to, I am having more fun than I have had in quite a while. The "spark" is not there in my marriage anymore.

 

Like I said I have 2 small kids who I love dearly, and would never want to jeopardize my relationship with them, but I feel like my husband can't make me happy anymore.

 

I suppose I want my cake and eat it to, but I know that that is not right...If anyone who has been in a similar situation could offer me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly!

[Elvira]

Despite what popular North American psychology says about how you "can't have your cake and eat it" ect. I disagree.

 

You CAN have your cake and eat it!!!

 

For goodness sakes you are a woman with physical needs just like anybody else. If that something in you says, "go for it" I would listen to yourself. Unfortunately woman have it more difficult than me in the sense that an older man can have younger women almost all his life whereas at a certain age a woman (in society's eyes) looses the sexual appeal she had at 20, for example. It is a very cruel fact of nature and life that us women have a biological clock to contend with.

 

I don't think your husband seems willing to help the situation (who knows, maybe he is cheating on you) right now, and when a man doesn't want to communicate it is very hard to pursuade him otherwise. I'm not trying to encourage you to cheat on him, but I think if I were in your place I would want to do it as well. Marriage is a real pain in the butt sometimes, and the unrealistic assumptions that couples should stay faithful for the rest of their lives is just not natural. You can still love your husband and stay together for "bigger" more univerals reasons such as your children and family unit, but it is rare to have EVERYTHING in a marriage.

 

I would say, "Go for it!" Give yourself a treat. You owe it for yourself.

 

Elvira

 

 

 

I am desperate for advice...I have been married for 4 years, together with this man for 7 total. It has been a long and rocky road throughout our relationship starting from early on. We have 2 small children which we had early in the relationship. My problem is the fact that I feel like I am completely falling out of love with him. There was a long time that I honestly felt we were soulmates, and he could have done anything to me, and I would have stayed. Its not that he abuses me, or is bad to the kids, we just have zero communication, and it is really starting to get me down. Everytime I say something like, "can we talk about..." he rolls his eyes and automatically sees it as a bitch session for me. Subsequently, I have been "chatting" online for quite a few months, and really enjoying the conversation and attention I have been getting from men other than my husband. This chatting, has in turn led to a few occasions of phone sex, which I am finding myself enjoying as well. Lately, I have been finding myself going out with the only intention of flirting with men, I have not physically acted on anything yet, but the desire is so strong, I really don't trust myself. I don't want to be a cheater, that is really not who I am, but yet I feel like something in me is telling me to go for it. My friends have told me to just stop all of this cold turkey and try to focus on my marriage, but I can't, nor do I really want to, I am having more fun than I have had in quite a while. The "spark" is not there in my marriage anymore. Like I said I have 2 small kids who I love dearly, and would never want to jeopardize my relationship with them, but I feel like my husband can't make me happy anymore. I suppose I want my cake and eat it to, but I know that that is not right...If anyone who has been in a similar situation could offer me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly!

[jackie]

i don't think that cheating would make your marriage better. you have a choice in improving your marriage, and the stakes are really high when you have small children. kids see and hear much more than we think, and they will forever be marked by what you choose to do with your marriage. as a parent, you need to operate in their best interests and not only your own. it kills a kids self-esteem when they see their parents fight. as well, my friend caught her mom cheating when she was younger, and it has affected EVERY relationship that she's had as an adult.

 

if your husband is totally unresponsive to your needs, and views conversations about your relationship as "bitch sessions" -- you need to make it clear to him that unless this changes, you will leave. couples therapy could work, if he's willing. otherwise, if you find yourself wanting out more than in, end the marriage first. you owe it to yourself to make these decisions with a clear head, and the chaos of an affair can only lead to poor choices. ask yourself if this relationship can be saved. if you want to work on it, ask your husband if he is too. if he's not, than you need to move on or try a trial separation. it's harder to do it this way and stick through the tough times. cheating is an easy response to a bad marriage. as an adult and a parent who loves her children, you need to approach this problem with more maturity. it'll hurt your kids more to know that their mom cheated and lied to their father, rather than knowing that their parents were able to either work it out or not work it out in a caring and responsible way. they may always blame you if you decide to cheat. i know that my friend has never really forgiven her mom. this is the kind of situation when your love for your children is really tested. you always have the choice of being with someone who can meet your needs, but how you go about getting what you need is what's important here.

 

my best wishes.

[CC]

I am the author of "Need Advice" posted previously and boy does it sound like we are in the same situation. I too feel that frustration and guilt over not being able to find the love feelings I once had. I also have 2 small children and for the most part have told myself that the reason I have stayed to this point is because of them. I have sought out that attention that you and I seem to both need in a place somewhat less safe than chatting online or casual flirting. I became best friends with my neighbor and that friendship has quickly turned to serious feelings for each other. I have not cheated either but yes, I considered it. I decided that it was only fair to my husband, my children and most importantly to myself to seek out professional help for my marriage. It is the last ditch effort and frankly not much has changed since we have been going but at least I have no guilt or regrets about trying to work it out. Talking and sharing my thoughts and feelings in places like this forum have been extremely helpful - if not for anything but to get off of your chest, to those who are objective, all the millions of thoughts that I know must be swimming around in your head. My best advice, although I still seek continuous advice for myself, is to keep talking whether here or to someone close or to whomever you need to and things will become more and more clear. It takes a long time and be thankful that you don't have to deal with feelings for another person like I do. It just makes it that much harder. Each of deserves what we want out of life - we just need to give ourselves the time to work through whether or not we can have that where we are now. As long as you keep it honest and go through the process in a mature well thought out way, your kids will love and respect you. Keep in touch - it would be nice to continue to communicate with someone who understands what I'm going through and visa versa. - CC

I am desperate for advice...I have been married for 4 years, together with this man for 7 total. It has been a long and rocky road throughout our relationship starting from early on. We have 2 small children which we had early in the relationship. My problem is the fact that I feel like I am completely falling out of love with him. There was a long time that I honestly felt we were soulmates, and he could have done anything to me, and I would have stayed. Its not that he abuses me, or is bad to the kids, we just have zero communication, and it is really starting to get me down. Everytime I say something like, "can we talk about..." he rolls his eyes and automatically sees it as a bitch session for me. Subsequently, I have been "chatting" online for quite a few months, and really enjoying the conversation and attention I have been getting from men other than my husband. This chatting, has in turn led to a few occasions of phone sex, which I am finding myself enjoying as well. Lately, I have been finding myself going out with the only intention of flirting with men, I have not physically acted on anything yet, but the desire is so strong, I really don't trust myself. I don't want to be a cheater, that is really not who I am, but yet I feel like something in me is telling me to go for it. My friends have told me to just stop all of this cold turkey and try to focus on my marriage, but I can't, nor do I really want to, I am having more fun than I have had in quite a while. The "spark" is not there in my marriage anymore. Like I said I have 2 small kids who I love dearly, and would never want to jeopardize my relationship with them, but I feel like my husband can't make me happy anymore. I suppose I want my cake and eat it to, but I know that that is not right...If anyone who has been in a similar situation could offer me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly!

[Lucas]

I am desperate for advice...I have been married for 4 years, together with this man for 7 total. It has been a long and rocky road throughout our relationship starting from early on. We have 2 small children which we had early in the relationship. My problem is the fact that I feel like I am completely falling out of love with him. There was a long time that I honestly felt we were soulmates, and he could have done anything to me, and I would have stayed. Its not that he abuses me, or is bad to the kids, we just have zero communication, and it is really starting to get me down. Everytime I say something like, "can we talk about..." he rolls his eyes and automatically sees it as a bitch session for me. Subsequently, I have been "chatting" online for quite a few months, and really enjoying the conversation and attention I have been getting from men other than my husband. This chatting, has in turn led to a few occasions of phone sex, which I am finding myself enjoying as well. Lately, I have been finding myself going out with the only intention of flirting with men, I have not physically acted on anything yet, but the desire is so strong, I really don't trust myself. I don't want to be a cheater, that is really not who I am, but yet I feel like something in me is telling me to go for it. My friends have told me to just stop all of this cold turkey and try to focus on my marriage, but I can't, nor do I really want to, I am having more fun than I have had in quite a while. The "spark" is not there in my marriage anymore. Like I said I have 2 small kids who I love dearly, and would never want to jeopardize my relationship with them, but I feel like my husband can't make me happy anymore. I suppose I want my cake and eat it to, but I know that that is not right...If anyone who has been in a similar situation could offer me some advice, I would appreciate it greatly!

All I can offer you is a little advise.. I am in a similar situation . I did act on it and went and feel In love with this other person be very very careful .. It may hurt you worse then you think .. I am in such emotional turmoil right now I hurt all over and cant make the decision to stay or go.. Through 10 Years together away and fufill My needs or jump into a new and inviting relationship..

 

I dont know??

 

The major diference is I have no kids and we are not married but have been living together for 7 Years..

 

Think before sweetie ) confusion only hurts.. )

[Kathy]

I understand your problem...but I wonder if you have actually explained the extent of your concerns with your husband? I think you'll find he "rolls his eyes" because he thinks you get unreasonably upset about things that he considers unimportant. Maybe it's time you two sat down (without the kids interrupting) so you can tell him that you feel unloved, ignored and unimportant in his life. It would be a shame to lose a soulmate because things have become boring or due to communication problems...

 

Now, in regards to seeking out attention from other men, BE CAREFUL. I have recently been experiencing similar problems within my marriage (of nearly 4 years...been together for 10) and I soon found myself responding to the advances of another man. Two weeks ago, I found myself in bed with this person...happened REALLY fast...and now that friendship is uncomfortable and strained. There are other factors of course, including the fact that the "other man" is my husbands'friend of 20 years AND his cousin (*gasp* I hear you say!), and he has a girlfriend of 6 years. We both acknowledge that we made a mistake...but it's still weird when the four of us get togther (which tends to occur on an at least weekly basis). The thing is, is that it has since occured to me that I was the problem. I was bored and feeling as though my marriage had stagnated, but I blamed that on my partner. I now have to live with the knowledge of what I've done. But I WILL NOT tell my husband what happened, as I believe nothing good will be achieved. It was a mistake -I learned a valuable lesson from it. If he knew it would only make him insecure...

 

SO...I would recommend you analyse your own feelings VERY deeply. If you honestly feel as though you no longer love your husband, do the honourable thing and tell him. Do not pretend for the sake of your children...growing up in a loveless marriage is no fun. If you think the marraige may be salvaged, tell him what you considered doing. Hopefully it will shock him into listening and you can then work through the problem together. Just be honest with yourself...I think that's the best you can do.