mauropodo Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 A high school friend of mine, a MM, has a wife who has a terminal illness, Hungtington´s disease which is also very damaging neurologically and she has now regressed to a little girl of 6. He has 2 boys and he has to take czre of everything in the household plus hold down a demanding job. He wants to start an affair with me, and he talks about rebuidling his life with me in the future. I feel awful for even condiering it, he is still married, but I do not know how much of a marriage this is. Is he an awful person for spending time with me, nothing has happened as yet, but we do see each other and talk and such and I do like him, but I think this is so wrong in so many ways. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 You and he should at least have the decency to hold off until the wife passes away before you jump in the sack with each other. Even then, you'll want to wait a decent amount of time after her death, if you expect any of his family, friends, peers or acquaintances to have even an ounce of respect for you and your relationship. Yes, he needs friendship. He needs someone to talk to. He does not need the sticky entanglement of an affair. Let him know you will be his friend, but nothing more until some time has passed. If he is willing to have a future with you, then great. Let that happen when the time is right, and not a moment before. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Well....he didn't marry a 6 year old girl so really he has 3 kids; two sons and a daughter. I wouldn't get invested quickly; best to start off as a supportive friend with the possibility of more down the road. She may be degenerating, but 6 year olds have feelings too and this is his sons' mother. They love her. Just make sure she doesn't get shuffled out of the picture or any future you may have with him isn't ruined by the kids resenting you and their father's actions. It might help to think of her as one of the kids. If she does in fact think like a child and not just have physical issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 A high school friend of mine, a MM, has a wife who has a terminal illness, Hungtington´s disease which is also very damaging neurologically and she has now regressed to a little girl of 6. He has 2 boys and he has to take czre of everything in the household plus hold down a demanding job. He wants to start an affair with me, and he talks about rebuidling his life with me in the future. I feel awful for even condiering it, he is still married, but I do not know how much of a marriage this is. Is he an awful person for spending time with me, nothing has happened as yet, but we do see each other and talk and such and I do like him, but I think this is so wrong in so many ways. What should I do? I say this is YOUR decision (you and him)... Is it wrong? Not really... It is easy for people to get on their high horses and say it's not right...blablabla... but only HE knows what his limits are. He is a good man, he takes care of his children and his wife... (BUT I have to say, here, that he is no 'saint'... a lot of women has done just that all their life, and the husband was just too lazy...but that's another story LOL)... So if you think that hanging out with him...supporting him is fine, then by all means, give him your support... if it ends up in the bedroom... (my bet is that it will) then so be it... You are 2 consenting adults.. he's not hurting her... so I say it's YOUR decision. It all depends on how YOU feel about it (you and him of course). Here's how I see it... let's say this guy has reached his limits... he just can't take the pressure anymore... he has needs (sexual and others) like every normal human being... what is best? that he simply leaves his wife (place her or just leave her to her family) or stay with her and have an affair... I would vote anytime for an affair... At least, he knows she won't be 'abused' like it happens so many in 'nursing homes'... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 This is a tough situation to be in, but honestly her illness isn't an excuse for him to pursue you or jump into an affair. Firstly he MUST put his KIDS FIRST, imagine what pain and confusion their children are feeling about their own mother. Having an affair, making 'time' for you is just stealing him away from his children when they need him most. It's just wrong to get too involved right now. And, he is hurting big time, so he's quite vunerable and not thinking. I don't know anyone who would enter an affair with so much going on around them, all that stress. And, what if the kids found out somehow? The timing is off, so off.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 This is a tough situation to be in, but honestly her illness isn't an excuse for him to pursue you or jump into an affair. Firstly he MUST put his KIDS FIRST, imagine what pain and confusion their children are feeling about their own mother. Having an affair, making 'time' for you is just stealing him away from his children when they need him most. It's just wrong to get too involved right now. And, he is hurting big time, so he's quite vunerable and not thinking. I don't know anyone who would enter an affair with so much going on around them, all that stress. And, what if the kids found out somehow? The timing is off, so off.... I will NEVER EVER agree with this: Having an affair, making 'time' for you is just stealing him away from his children when they need him most. Having an affair, DOES NOT steal anything away from the children or even the W... Even the best parents are not with their children 24/7... come one.. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Sounds like he has a lot on his plate already without adding an affair to the mix. He made a commitment, in sickness and in health, for better for worse. I suspect an affair will pile on some guilt to the pain he's already going through - he may not feel that right now when he's needing an escape from his homelife (an affair with you), but later, when you do try to build that future together, he (and YOU) will have to deal with that guilt and it might not be the best foundation for a solid relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Having an affair, DOES NOT steal anything away from the children or even the W... Even the best parents are not with their children 24/7... come one.. You obviously see things from a different POV because of how you feel about marriage period. He would be building a new relationship aka the affair with another woman, while his poor wife is ill and not getting any better. THAT effort and energy could be put to better use directed towards making his wife's days easier, with love and support. THAT energy and effort could be directed at his kids, not some other woman who is looking for an affair. He made a commitment, in sickness and in health, for better for worse. Exactly. It's just part of the responsibility one has to live up to if the unfortunate happens in the marriage. And, sadly, in mauropodo's situation, the unfortunate has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 A high school friend of mine, a MM, has a wife who has a terminal illness, Hungtington´s disease which is also very damaging neurologically and she has now regressed to a little girl of 6. He has 2 boys and he has to take czre of everything in the household plus hold down a demanding job. He wants to start an affair with me, and he talks about rebuidling his life with me in the future. I feel awful for even condiering it, he is still married, but I do not know how much of a marriage this is. Is he an awful person for spending time with me, nothing has happened as yet, but we do see each other and talk and such and I do like him, but I think this is so wrong in so many ways. What should I do? I don't think it is wrong.... He needs support too, it is not easy to take care of a very sick wife and three kids. It will be very hard on you, so think if you want to do it. I don't think you should feel guilty as long as he dosen't abandonnen his W and something. If he keepes taking care of her and the kids and have you I don't see whay not. Are you read to get involved on that?? You will?? That is the questions you shpuld ask yourself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 He needs support too, it is not easy to take care of a very sick wife and three kids. Yes, he does need support, but he can get that from friends and family...That love and energy he can get from his own kids can really be incredible. I completely get that he is lonely and a part of him is missing because of his wife's condition, it's sad and devastating...But having an affair won't help because he's going to hurt her eventually and himself in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 He would be building a new relationship aka the affair with another woman, while his poor wife is ill and not getting any better. THAT effort and energy could be put to better use directed towards making his wife's days easier, with love and support. THAT energy and effort could be directed at his kids, not some other woman who is looking for an affair. We'll have to agree to disagree... because I really don't think he can do more than what he's already doing right now... There is a limit to what a HUMAN being can endure and put up with ... he is already being good to her and his kids...and I doubt than getting support outside his M will take away anything from his kids and W... What about if he goes in counselling...then THAT energy, effort, and money is not directed towards his W and kids...but for his own 'sanity'... same thing IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Yes, he does need support, but he can get that from friends and family...That love and energy he can get from his own kids can really be incredible. I completely get that he is lonely and a part of him is missing because of his wife's condition, it's sad and devastating...But having an affair won't help because he's going to hurt her eventually and himself in the process. They are not having an affair... she's only his friend... supporting him. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Yes, he does need support, but he can get that from friends and family...That love and energy he can get from his own kids can really be incredible. I completely get that he is lonely and a part of him is missing because of his wife's condition, it's sad and devastating...But having an affair won't help because he's going to hurt her eventually and himself in the process. If she has become a 6 yrs old I don't think she would hurt that much. As long as he keeps taking care of her the way he is supposed too, I don't see how his friendship with Maripond woud hurt anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 They are not having an affair... she's only his friend... supporting him. That's not all it is: He wants to start an affair with me Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 I missed this... but they haven't done anything yet... but I still can't blame him for wanting an A on the side... I think there is a limit to being good... IMO Plus those vows are 'man-made' and I think they're just not fair in most cases. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 If she has become a 6 yrs old I don't think she would hurt that much. As long as he keeps taking care of her the way he is supposed too, I don't see how his friendship with Maripond woud hurt anyone. Because this isn't just about her helping him, supporting him in the sense that a regular friend or family member can do - HER and HIS intention of taking 'it' further is there. IS she going to spend alot of time in the house, helping out? Be involved in their lives, be around his wife's children, playing the role of 'mom' to them? Also, is his wife 'with it' or was his remark about her being like a 6 year old meaning her physical capabilities or mental capabilities...There's a BIG difference in the two. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 What about if he goes in counselling...then THAT energy, effort, and money is not directed towards his W and kids...but for his own 'sanity'... same thing IMO. Yeah the difference though, he isn't betraying his vows, betraying his wife, and his family. He'd be getting help to fix himself and learn how to handle things better than to seek attention from another woman and have an affair. Going to counselling is helping HIM be a better father, to be able to handle things in a healthier way. Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Because this isn't just about her helping him, supporting him in the sense that a regular friend or family member can do - HER and HIS intention of taking 'it' further is there. IS she going to spend alot of time in the house, helping out? Be involved in their lives, be around his wife's children, playing the role of 'mom' to them? Also, is his wife 'with it' or was his remark about her being like a 6 year old meaning her physical capabilities or mental capabilities...There's a BIG difference in the two. I thought she meant mentally, and I don't think he asked her to move in. He is just looking for someon to be close to. Unless I totally misunderstood the whole question. I think she will have a rough time, but if she wants to go foward I don't see why not!!! If I was that sick i would tell my H to go and find someone else. As a matter of fact I told my ex once if I ever got sick and uncapable I would like him to go on with his life and find someone good for him and kids... I don't know I guess I would not mind if I was the W....But that is just me. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Also, is his wife 'with it' or was his remark about her being like a 6 year old meaning her physical capabilities or mental capabilities...There's a BIG difference in the two. It affects both physical and mental abilities, but I don't think it affects memory or awareness...just things like speech and cognitive ability, like planning and learning, and remembering new things. Hey, if he's lucky, he might tell her he's having an affair, and she'll forget. He might be a bit more concerned about his kids, rather than considering how to plot his affair, since it's an inherited disease and each child has a one in two chance of inheriting it. And the OP might want to get herself checked out, since she already knows what he'll do if SHE falls ill. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 If I was that sick i would tell my H to go and find someone else. As a matter of fact I told my ex once if I ever got sick and uncapable I would like him to go on with his life and find someone good for him and kids... I don't know I guess I would not mind if I was the W....But that is just me. This is crap. I highly doubt you'd do that. If you and your MM got married, and he became your husband, you had children with him, you're saying that you'd give him the golden thumbs up to either mess around on you, and/or start an affair, possibly leave you, take the kids so he could go and be happy? Meanwhile you're alone and ill, alone? He might be a bit more concerned about his kids, rather than considering how to plot his affair, since it's an inherited disease and each child has a one in two chance of inheriting it. Exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 I think she will have a rough time, but if she wants to go foward I don't see why not!!! The problem is, he isn't even available to offer himself FULLY to her, not only because he is married, well, that's the main reason, but he is children to tend to, and an ill wife. IF an affair happens, it WILL be on his timetable. She won't come first, second or third. His priorities won't be on her. If she needs him, he can't just up and bail on his wife and kids in the middle of the night to go to her side if there is a crisis or something. The OP is asking for alot of turmoil in her life if she chooses to enter an affair with MM and all his baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 This is crap. I highly doubt you'd do that. If you and your MM got married, and he became your husband, you had children with him, you're saying that you'd give him the golden thumbs up to either mess around on you, and/or start an affair, possibly leave you, take the kids so he could go and be happy? Meanwhile you're alone and ill, alone? I don't think this is crap... When I was with my first SO...I wanted him to have an affair because I was sooo not into him anymore... I even told him to... anyway... If I was disabled and my SO was good to me and the kids... of course, I would tell him to get someone on the side... but I would tell him to keep it discreet... I am not that selfish... Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 This is crap. I highly doubt you'd do that. If you and your MM got married, and he became your husband, you had children with him, you're saying that you'd give him the golden thumbs up to either mess around on you, and/or start an affair, possibly leave you, take the kids so he could go and be happy? Meanwhile you're alone and ill, alone? Exactly. Yeah I would!!! to be honest with you i would not want to live if I had a horrible disease like that. So after I as sure he and the kids where fine I would depart this world in peace. I just hate being a burden... I would rather be sure that once I was dead my H and the kids would be with someone who loves them. But that is just me... Link to post Share on other sites
scaredinlove Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 The problem is, he isn't even available to offer himself FULLY to her, not only because he is married, well, that's the main reason, but he is children to tend to, and an ill wife. IF an affair happens, it WILL be on his timetable. She won't come first, second or third. His priorities won't be on her. If she needs him, he can't just up and bail on his wife and kids in the middle of the night to go to her side if there is a crisis or something. The OP is asking for alot of turmoil in her life if she chooses to enter an affair with MM and all his baggage. I guess that is why i said she will have a rough time....... Link to post Share on other sites
simplegirl Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 This all just reminded me of a movie I saw once. The wife found out she was dying so she brought a woman into the house to live with them under the impression that he would marry her after the wife passed on. Link to post Share on other sites
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