D&S Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Hey guys, I'm going through a dilemma and I have no idea what to do - although I suspect it's something brought up really often. I've been in my current (somewhat) stable relationship for almost 1 1/2 years, I got together with a good friend whom I'd known for two years before we started going out. Unfortunately I've always found him unattractive, first appearance-wise when we were friends and now that we're together, personality-wise also. I've tried to break up with him about 5 times now, usually because of arguments. Granted I am unreasonable sometimes or I mis-hear things he says, but once it gets started he shouts at me and refuses to let me leave his place. Even if I try to calm things down he just keeps having a go at me. We had our last argument a couple of weeks ago, and we patched up and he said he was sorry, bought flowers and did sweet things like that. I still find him unattractive, and I told him that I wanted to break up after the argument had died down. I did also say I found him unattractive and I wanted out, but he got worried and apologised and wanted to patch up. I couldn't stick it out because we'd planned a party later that day and he didn't want to call it off. Most of my friends who know both of us and even my family have told me that he is not good enough for me; I feel that way in my heart too but it's so difficult to break up with him - he is clingy and I don't have the resolve to. We moved in together last month and are sharing a room, even though I tried to wriggle my way out of it earlier by saying I needed more space on my own. He wouldn't buy it so we ended up sharing anyway. Truth is I have been thinking at least 5 days a week for the last one year that I'd be happier without him but it's difficult to break up and find a new place to live. I feel like I played a bigger part in finding our current rented flat and I don't want to move out. (A friend of his is taking the other room in the flat so most likely I'll have to move out if we break up.) The problem now is this: I am on a work-related course out of the country and won't be returning for six weeks. There's a guy on the course whom I'm really attracted to - he shares my passion for music and books while my boyfriend likes a few favourite bands and pooh-poohs reading fiction (which I love). I also find this other person's personality and appearance really attractive, and I think the attraction is mutual. We haven't done anything together nor acknowledged the possibility that we could be an item in the future but I'm sure it could happen. Now the question is - what should I do? Should I break up with my current boyfriend? I was thinking of requesting a break for the time I'm away, which I brought up with him earlier - but would that imply that I'm free to get together with someone else then break up properly afterwards? Am I stupid for even considering breaking up given that my boyfriend is really in love with me, but I'm not? I'm just really confused and would like some advice on the issue. Someone please help? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Now the question is - what should I do? Should I break up with my current boyfriend? I was thinking of requesting a break for the time I'm away, which I brought up with him earlier - but would that imply that I'm free to get together with someone else then break up properly afterwards? Am I stupid for even considering breaking up given that my boyfriend is really in love with me, but I'm not? I'm just really confused and would like some advice on the issue. Someone please help? I think you should break up with him ASAP, and tell him you will be moving out ASAP too. You don't love him. Keeping him on a string for another day is really, quite selfish and cruel. Every day you remain with him, you lead him to believe a future is possible, and really, you are manipulating him, because you are painting a different picture of yourself and your relationship than actually exists. Act assertive, and end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Country_Girl Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 I would have to agree, break up with him soon. I know how it feels, I just had a recent breakup & it was the same type of situation. Living together, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. I stayed longer than I should have with him, just because I was hopeing my feelings would change, that maybe I could force the old feelings back. I also dreaded the breakup because I knew it would crush his heart, we were together for over 5 years.Btw, I also had left him 5 times, but 1 week later I would always come back, hopeing I could change the way I felt. I was really sad the first week of the breakup, I won't lie, it crushed me too. Mostly I just felt so badly for him, he doesn't have many friends, and I just felt like such an *** because I had the support of friends to lean on as a crutch. We also had pets together so that made it harder, it was like working out a custody battle for kids, it was hard having to give some of them up. But by week two I really felt great, like a huge burdon had been lifted off my chest, and I could finally breath again. I know I made the right choice & I'm sure you will to. Link to post Share on other sites
tonyp56 Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 It would be better for you and him if you break up with him right now, and then try to get with the other guy (don't ask for a break, end the relationship!!!). Don't cheat in a loveless relationship (2 bad things, you don't love him and you cheated on him). Break it off with him, it will hurt a lot less than finding out you cheated and you are dumping him later. But don't bring up that you aren't attracted to him. He is losing you, he don't need a self-esteem crush too. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 You need to leave him NOW. Break up with him, let him know it is not up for discussion. Be cruel if that is what it takes. Nothing you can say to him will be worse then letting him stay with you when you have zero feelings for him. And yes, you should move. Move in with family, friends, anything until you find a place. But do it fast and do it NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
PamBeesley Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 If there are no more feelings for your boyfriend you need to break it off for good and move out. I know it's easier said then done, but a loveless relationship is awful. I've been in your EXACT situation. I broke up and left in March, and even though I haven't ended up with the guy I was/am attracted to, the attraction did shed A LOT of light on my life. Don't ever settle. It is a pain in the ass to move, lol, but I feel worlds better Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Please break it off now. You have no feelings for him and like they say, stringing him along won't do you both any good. It will only you more miserable and your bf too. When and if you break it off, try not to start another r/ship with any guy esp the one you're attracted to. Take your time. I think you still need to get to know yourself, what is it that you want in a r/ship.. Good luck and keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
jay1985 Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 speaking as a guy, if a girl i was with fell out of love with me, id much rather they were upfront and honest about it. it would hurt at first but at least then he can start working towards moving on with his life rather than trying to cling onto a relationship which, unknown to him, has no real future. tell him that you've realised that he isnt the guy for you, but try and cushion the blow by telling him that you wanted to be honest with him so he can move on with his life and find someone who shares his feelings and interests more so than the 2 of you. hope it all goes well for you Link to post Share on other sites
loverboy69 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Yeah. I'd definitely give this new guy a chance and part ways with your ex in London. Now is your chance to start anew and experience the emotions you are clearly lacking with your current relationship. Have you made any headway? Ask this new guy out before someone else takes him. You know how many times I've waited too long only to be heartbroken after realizing someone else snatched them up before I could? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author D&S Posted October 15, 2007 Author Share Posted October 15, 2007 I thought I'd post an update on the situation - thank you all for the caring replies, they really helped me through this rough patch. I broke up with my bf the day after I posted, and my gut feeling was right - this new bloke asked me out a few days after. It's been really wonderful and I'm so glad I did what I had to do. I'm moving out to a friend's place immediately after arriving home so that is all sorted. It's well worth the trouble. Thank you all so much for your help, you all made my day. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
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