Young and in a sexless marriage

[blue66669]

Ok, so I'm 26, and my husband is 28. We have two cute kids, 4 and 17 mos. Ever since I had my first child, I have absolutely no interest in sex. Most of the time I think sex is actually kind of gross, and all the heavy breathing and touching and rubbing and moaning seems a little embarrassing and over-dramatic. I don't have any desire, and quite frankly I feel as if I have a glorified roommate instead of a husband. Our sex is very routine, when we have it, and the same things always happen. I think we've only had sex once or twice in the past 6 months. I don't really enjoy having sex with him anymore, I don't even like him to kiss me on the lips. I'm miserable, and I believe that I'm broken. I had a history of sexual problems before I met him, and actually had my very first orgasm with him when I was 21. I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that I know that he loves me, and I feel bad for not wanting to sleep with him. Is there any way to get past that initial feeling of loathing and disgust and general yuck?

[Cobra_X30]

How emotionally connected to him do you feel?

[blue66669]

How emotionally connected to him do you feel?

Well, we were emotionally over-connected when we first met. We loved each other very much, and then I had my son, and it all melted away. We stopped talking, and worse, we stopped listening. I spent more time talking to his best friend than I did to him. I sometimes feel that I may as well not say anything to him, he either won't hear me or won't remember that I said anything in the first place.

Listen, I want to make this work, at least for the kids sake. But I can't bring myself to just "offer myself on a platter" for him to just do whatever with. And that's all sex is to me, just another task that I don't want to do, like laundry or bathing the dog....

[Cobra_X30]

I feel like the emotional disconnect may be where your problem lies. I would suggest putting some thought into why the two of you are not connecting like you should.

 

I dont mean to say that there are not other issues at play, but I would say that is #1 on your list.

 

Is he still trying to initiate or has he stopped? If he has stopped was there alot of rejection involved?... and what kind of coping mechanism is he using?

[michelangelo]

Or do you have a loathing of sex with anyone?

 

Do you even feel this way alone?

 

Maybe you're depressed?

[reboot]

See a doctor. Sometimes there's a medical reason for this.

[blue66669]

I feel like the emotional disconnect may be where your problem lies. I would suggest putting some thought into why the two of you are not connecting like you should.

 

I dont mean to say that there are not other issues at play, but I would say that is #1 on your list.

 

Is he still trying to initiate or has he stopped? If he has stopped was there alot of rejection involved?... and what kind of coping mechanism is he using?

 

 

Well, I think we disconnected because I resented him after our son was born. He refused to get a job, so I had to leave behind our young son and re-enter the workforce. I don't think I've ever really "respected" him, he's just not what I thought a marriage was supposed to be. I'm not really sure I know what a marriage is supposed to be. I don't know if he really has a coping mechanism, and no, he really doesn't try to initiate anymore- unless he's drunk. I don't like it when he oggles me, or gropes or any of that stuff. I wonder if it's my problem, that there's something wrong with me. When we do have sex, I cry because I don't feel much of anything. He cums, rolls over, and goes to sleep without even asking about me. Then again, I suppose I deserve that....

 

I think that sex in general, with anyone, is not really too desirable to me. I sometimes fantasize that it is, but when the clothes start coming off, the walls start going up. And yes, even when I'm alone I feel embarrassed and even ashamed of my own sexuality, not that I really have any. No, I wasn't molested as a child, and I wasn't raised to think that these things are dirty. It's just a feeling that's developed over the past few years. Talking about it with him makes me want to cry, and I can't imagine ever telling him how I feel. What can I do?

[Cobra_X30]

Well, I have to tell you that reading that makes me want to cry. Thats a tough situation that I dont think you deserve to be in. My assessment is that your husband needs to make some changes before its too late.

 

Does he have a job now? Has he put forth any effort to change?

 

If not and you want this marraige to work... you need to sit him down and lay out exactly what you need from him. It sounds like your relationships before him were not good experiences.

[blue66669]

Well, I have to tell you that reading that makes me want to cry. Thats a tough situation that I dont think you deserve to be in. My assessment is that your husband needs to make some changes before its too late.

 

Does he have a job now? Has he put forth any effort to change?

 

If not and you want this marraige to work... you need to sit him down and lay out exactly what you need from him. It sounds like your relationships before him were not good experiences.

Well, yes. He does have a job now, and works very hard for his family. He puts a lot of effort to do things like check his email, and get "his" time to do what he likes. As far as us in the bedroom is concerned, no change. I tell him I'm not happy, and I tell him I'm uncomfortable, but there's nothing we can really do about it until I understand what the problem is. It's kinda like the answer to the ultimate question: 42. Well, what's the ultimate question: beats the hell out of me!!! I can't understand why I have these feelings and this intense shame about sex, and what's the point of trying to solve an issue that isn't clear to begin with?

 

As far as my past relationships are concerned, I never had one that lasted longer than 1 month. I had about 6 boyfriends, total, throughout my life (that includes middle school:)) Most of the time, I messed around with either guy friends that I was cool with or guys at school or work that I thought were cute. I rarely slept with them, but did everything but. Afterwards, they'd treat me like I didn't exist, and never really wanted anyone to know about it. You know, those kinds of guys...

[Cobra_X30]

Well, yes. He does have a job now, and works very hard for his family. He puts a lot of effort to do things like check his email, and get "his" time to do what he likes. As far as us in the bedroom is concerned, no change. I tell him I'm not happy, and I tell him I'm uncomfortable, but there's nothing we can really do about it until I understand what the problem is. It's kinda like the answer to the ultimate question: 42. Well, what's the ultimate question: beats the hell out of me!!! I can't understand why I have these feelings and this intense shame about sex, and what's the point of trying to solve an issue that isn't clear to begin with?

 

As far as my past relationships are concerned, I never had one that lasted longer than 1 month. I had about 6 boyfriends, total, throughout my life (that includes middle school:)) Most of the time, I messed around with either guy friends that I was cool with or guys at school or work that I thought were cute. I rarely slept with them, but did everything but. Afterwards, they'd treat me like I didn't exist, and never really wanted anyone to know about it. You know, those kinds of guys...

 

Have you considered some marriage counseling? He cant be happy with the situation... I would assume he would be happy to go if it put you two back on track.

 

It sounds like his selfishness is kind of putting you off. How much does he help with the children? Does he spend allot of time with them? Also, does he sometimes give you a break from mommy duties?

 

If your always worn down and never interested... after a while your going to start resenting his advances. Combine that with an emotional disconnect and I think thats what you have going on.

 

Does that sound at all accurate?

 

I would definitely suggest some kind of therapy or couseling. Even if its just your pastor!

[blue66669]

He's really shaped up to be a great husband and father. He loves the kids, and plays with them and I get my personal time as well. His bedroom selfishness is definitely putting me off, but I know that if he could "help himself", that wouldn't happen. He would definitely choose not to, well, you know, cum so fast and fall asleep. I'll tell you one thing, I'm so embarrassed right now even talking to someone about this, I've cried twice! I don't know how I'd face a perfect stranger, in front of my husband no less, and tell them that he's not satisfying me and I think that thing we do is gross. Yeah, that's real adult.....

[Mustang Sally]

Take it from me, honey, been-there-done-that!

 

You want to get these issues resolved NOW before it ends up with years of misunderstanding and built-up resentment.

 

I had a thought, reading your thread. Could it be your Mommy-Brain working overtime on you? What I mean is, it is difficult to juggle the roles of mother/wife/lover/worker and more. (Believe me, you can see how well I've done it - NOT - with it by reading my own thread....)

 

I have what I call my Mommy-Brain. It is the pragmatic, business-of-running-a-household personality, so to speak. I've had times when it has had too much control over me and killed off any desire I had in the bedroom. Just a thought for you to mull over.

 

I also agree that you should think about telling your doc about your feelings. It could certainly be depression, as well.

[Cobra_X30]

He's really shaped up to be a great husband and father. He loves the kids, and plays with them and I get my personal time as well. His bedroom selfishness is definitely putting me off, but I know that if he could "help himself", that wouldn't happen. He would definitely choose not to, well, you know, cum so fast and fall asleep. I'll tell you one thing, I'm so embarrassed right now even talking to someone about this, I've cried twice! I don't know how I'd face a perfect stranger, in front of my husband no less, and tell them that he's not satisfying me and I think that thing we do is gross. Yeah, that's real adult.....

 

I dont see that you can fix the situation without honest communication. Maybe try independent couseling first! Choose a woman if that makes it more comfortable.

 

I really dont know what the answer is. I just know that you are going to need to take action on this, and that a good chunk of the problem is his. So you need to get the ball rolling and then include him in it.

 

Mustang, has a point... maybe you should spend a little time reading through her posts and some of the other posts from women in similar situations.

[IamASelfishSOB]

He's really shaped up to be a great husband and father. He loves the kids, and plays with them and I get my personal time as well. His bedroom selfishness is definitely putting me off, but I know that if he could "help himself", that wouldn't happen. He would definitely choose not to, well, you know, cum so fast and fall asleep. I'll tell you one thing, I'm so embarrassed right now even talking to someone about this, I've cried twice! I don't know how I'd face a perfect stranger, in front of my husband no less, and tell them that he's not satisfying me and I think that thing we do is gross. Yeah, that's real adult.....

 

I really think I can help here! Sex really is one of the cornerstones of a marriage. You have to fix this problem and you have the ability to do it. In the early stages of our relationship, my wife did not enjoy sex all that much either. At first she did, because of the emotion that went into it, but after a while it became routine and much less important. She knew it was important to me, so she took the initiative to make things better. She went out and purchased a "The Joy of Sex" and brought it to me and said let's learn. We also purchased a video series. "Better Sex Series" that we watched together. It wasn't the quality of the material, but simply opening up the lines of communication between us to make us both comfortable talking about it.

 

Our sex life improved drastically. First, I loved the fact that she thought it was important enough to make the move to fix the problem. That made me want nothing more than to make her happy. Second, it made be a better lover. There are still things that can always improve, but I know what she enjoys and why she enjoys it and that we can talk about it openly.

 

Assuming you don't have any serious underlying issues. This problem can definitely be overcome. If you can't do it, just the two of you, get a third party involved, but you may be suprised at your husband's reaction and understanding if you take the initiative. It's the best thing that happened to my wife and I early in our marriage.

 

Please ignore all of my other posts on this forum as those are a whole different ball of wax. There are other cornerstones to a marriage.

[tommyr]

I have absolutely no interest in sex. Most of the time I think sex is actually kind of gross

 

I don't really enjoy having sex with him anymore, I don't even like him to kiss me on the lips.

 

I don't think I've ever really "respected" him

 

When we do have sex, I cry because I don't feel much of anything

 

See a pattern here? Regardless of how good or bad your husband performs in bed, it seems obvious that you have some serious problems with sex. My advice is:

 

1) try to get some help. posting here is a good start, but don't let this issue get put aside for other priorities.

 

2) after trying various forms of help, if sex still ain't working for you, then you must tell your husband the things quoted above. you don't have to be mean about it but seriously he deserves to know the truth.

[New_Wife]

Yikes, Girl! You've got two little ones to care for, a young marriage, and all of these powerful emotions assailing you. That's got to feel overwhelming, and I can see why you cry. I second, third, fourth - whatever - everyone else's suggestion that you talk to your doctor/nurse practitioner/etc. in case any of this is hormone-related OR actual clinical depression.

 

You deserve to feel better. Good for you that you've started looking around and trying to figure out how to.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dont blame him for your F-ing problems blue. You should have been honest with your sexual predilictions before you started to get serious. You have two children and your married. Do you want him to forfill you, the you go see a therapist and work through your issues. Give your children a family they can be proud of.

 

No one wants to have a divorce because momma dont like sex but she had children? Do you have a sexual preference? women perhaps because that's how it always begin. First you start loathing men and hating intercourse with them then you get emotionally involved with a woman.

 

If that aint you, dont sweat it. but seriously you should answer these questions within you, to have a forfilling marriage. You might also have post partum depression.

 

Dont blame him for your issues.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that I know that he loves me, and I feel bad for not wanting to sleep with him.

 

Unfortunately hon, I can pretty much guarantee you of 'where you're going with this'... and that's divorce court eventually.

 

The sexual disconnect in your marriage MUST be resolved in order for the marriage to work in the long term. If this situation is left uncorrected, it WILL lead to an emotional disconnect on the part of your husband. The man didn't get married to live like a monk, right? He's going to respond to your rejection of him sexually with resentment and anger.. because this is something that hurts a man's feelings in ways that a woman just can't identify with.

 

Men are generally able to compartmentalize the sexual function very well. The act can be nearly meaningless to them when they're not emotionally involved with a woman. They can pick up a barfly for a ONS or visit a prostitute, and it's no more important than taking their morning constitutional.

 

But... let them get their heart involved and THAT woman will no longer be "compartmentalized". She's in a position to wound him, and when she rejects him in a consistent way sexually within the marital construct, he will emotionally detach himself as a means of self-preservation.

 

We have to speak in general terms here, but there's kind of an action/reaction mechanism in place, with men responding emotionally to sex and women responding sexually to emotion. So... when his sex life is good, a guy feels more bonded with his partner. And when she's feeling supported and nurtured emotionally, a woman's tendency is to feel more sexual.

 

You know, men have TWENTY times more testosterone than women do. I've mentioned this a couple of times in the past because it REALLY made an impression on me, but while watching a documentary program about a guy who was undergoing a sex-change procedure... he described his drive as sort of a "white noise" that he hadn't been aware of until after the hormones kicked in and it stopped.

 

That drive is pretty much ALWAYS there. It's how nature designed a man. And more often than not, a guy just can't wrap his mind around the fact that it's NOT there for you. This is the way he lives, and he might know cerebrally that women aren't that way.. but it's hard for him to imagine because he has no experience of it. Rejection is then taken personally.

 

My suggestion to you is to do everything possible to understand and change the situation. THIS IS A MARRIAGE KILLER. And unless it's resolved, your family dynamic is doomed.

 

You might start with a copy of The Sexless Marriage as well as a copy of The Five Love Languages. DO see your OB/GYN and discuss the problem. It's important to rule out physical causes, but I suspect that the source is more than likely emotional. See a marriage or sex therapist if you're not making progress.

 

The good news is that it IS possible for a woman to consciously change her relationship with sex. I'm not saying it's easy. ....but it's certainly do-able.

 

Your most important sex organ is not in your pants, Blue... it's in your head.

Your brain is where you start. First, by ruling out physical problems and then by educating yourself on what sexual intimacy means to the emotional relationship. After that, you start following up with a concerted effort to change your previous negative mindset regarding sex with something more positive. IOW, you adopt a new inner mantra. You replace the old mindset... "I hate sex - why can't he just leave me alone", with something new and more provocative.

 

Buy new lingerie, books on sexual techniques, give the little ones a mandatory bedtime, and make getting a little sumfin' sumfin' a priority in your life.

 

I've been there, so I know that from your perspective it just seems unimaginable that the answer to sexual aversion could be MORE SEX. But I'm telling you... I'd never go back. The relationship is so much more satisfying to BOTH partners when their needs for emotional intimacy are met, and this need gets met through good sex. Good sex actually changes the chemical balance of the body. It can literally change your outlook from the inside out.

[Bobby NoBrains]

There's something called as Post-Partum Depression which has to do with pregnancy and birth, and after that hormonal high, the woman suffers from "x" different kinds of depression symptoms. Maybe you're going through that. That would explain a lot of your feelings and conflicts. Get Medical advice on that, it's a clinical problem.

 

There's prolly more I should say but it's all I can think of at this time :/

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[1unrulygirl]

My DH and I are putting our marriage back together after 12 years of sexlessness. It waxed and waned in the 12 years..but pretty much..at the end of each year, you could count the number of times we were intimate on one hand. It started right after the birth of our 2nd child..and ours are only 18 months apart.

 

I did counseling on my own because he is the refuser...and I needed some coping mechanisms. Don't get me wrong, I played my part in the overall problem. I also learned better communication skills in counseling. It was WELL worth the time, energy and money.

 

My only advice is to get this fixed now. Through the years, feelings of bitterness and regret start building up. I've been jealous of the attention he gives the flippin' dog before - it just reduces you to a sad state.

 

It wasn't until I was ready to walk out the door that he finally got serious about our problems...don't wait for that moment...

 

unruly

[thebetrayed]

If I may speak from the other side of things. I am a husband in a sexless marriage that has recently turned into a seperation.

In the past year my wife and I have shown honest mutual affection a small handful of times, we have not had sex in about 6 months. I have not had a kiss from her in about 8.

It started slowly. going from sex several times a week to maybe once a week.. then once a month.. then maybe once every 2 months.. and now.. well.. I felt horribly rejected. all efforts to show affection were denied.. an attempted kiss would be turned away. a hug went unmet. I became despondant and depressed. This feeling of rejection caused me to withdraw, and in my withdrawing from her, she saw it as me no longer wanting her or caring about her. She withdrew from me, which of course caused me to withdraw further.. you can see the spiral building here..

As things went on and we were moving further and further apart she began talking more and more with my (now ex) best friend. he was fulfilling what our relationship had been missing for far too long.. emotional contact.. she developed strong emotions for him, and with her emotional hunger satisfied she turned to satisfying other hungers.. the desire for intimacy.

She was very truthful with me after the affair. when she came back from a "trip out of town" i asked her if she had fun.. she replied. "yes, too much fun" and i knew exactly what she was saying. she admitted she had an affair, and that she is not sure she loves me etc etc etc.

what I'm trying to get at is your situation seems soo familiar. I've sat back and watched it happen. you will grow more distant. Sex is a way to crack the emotional shell that men are taught from birth to grow and make tough. We are rewarded for showing no feelings at all, but you can be sure that inside even the hardest man there is a very tender heart that is very easily wounded. Through intimacy we open ourselves to a woman (this only applies if there are feelings of love there.. or even mistaken feelings of love) this openness must be fed. it must be nurtured, because if a man is rejected it can wound that heart terribly. in a way that he could never hurt before, and can make then put that barrier back up. This leads to a breakdown of everything. If that barrier is up, communication stops, signs of affection stop, and it is lethal to a relationship. if he has withdrawn then you have to talk to him openly. he may see your aversion to sex as a personal inadequacy in himself, and may get angry.. if that happens. try to take what may come as hurtful from him as lightly as possible. People say a lot of things they dont mean when they are hurt and especially if a man sees his pride as being damaged.. We all like to think we are the greatest lovers the world has ever seen, and to think we are not by misinterpreting something that was said out of love and respect shakes that pride to the core.

Prepare to have him say hurtful things when the subject is breached, but keep on him, ask him what is missing for him. establish communications.. let him know you love him madly and want you both to be happy together.

you may have to take the initiative by either suggesting he make plans for a romantic night out or try a more bold approach and plan it youself. clear his calendar for him so he has no true excuses. rediscover the passion you have for eachother. It may not be as difficult a thing to come back from as you might think.

I wish you good luck with your marriage. and I pray that it never gets to the point mine has. one site i can not recommend enough is http://www.marriagebuilders.com I am understanding more about my own marriage than I thought there was to know. It May help you. Godspeed.

[Anna Comnena]

Well, I have to agree with some of the other posters, if you keep this up, you'll be divorced..

 

But I also understand what you're going through, I did it too, and I don't it helps you husband acted like a boy while you went and got a job, but this is what happens when you marry so young. (and he sounds like a good guy

 

I'm not a conservative, I'm not religious.. but "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. Laura will be a revelation to you as it was for me. and.. they're are a ton of therapists out there.. and subsequently a plethra of divorces, so I'm really not sold on therapy..

 

Sex = emotional disconnect=falling out of love=divorce/cheating= your children visiting their father & their father's future girlfriend for the weekend. Men need sex like women need someone to talk to.

 

Do you want father's future girlfriend raising your children on weekends???

- likely not.. but that is what will happen if you don't fix this situation. and Yes, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO SO. Dr. Laura will teach you how.

 

Look, I'm not sold on Dr. Laura especially her conservative views, but she understands men and understands how to make a marriage work. I honestly believe if more people followed her methods both prior to and following marriage, they would be alot less divorce.

 

Best Wishes!

Julia.

[blue66669]

Thank you everyone for your posts, I really do appreciate it:)

[Mustang Sally]

In the past year my wife and I have shown honest mutual affection a small handful of times, we have not had sex in about 6 months. I have not had a kiss from her in about 8.

It started slowly. going from sex several times a week to maybe once a week.. then once a month.. then maybe once every 2 months.. and now.. well..

So, tell us, TB.

What was going on in your R with your W that led her to not want to have sex with you?

 

This, after all, is the $64K question, no? And what I've been trying to figure out (actually not just regarding my own M, but all these tales of sexless M) for quite some time. Certainly, it probably varies from couple to couple.

 

So?

What do you think led her to decreasing desire for intimacy from you?

[Bobby NoBrains]

I've been there, so I know that from your perspective it just seems unimaginable that the answer to sexual aversion could be MORE SEX. But I'm telling you... I'd never go back. The relationship is so much more satisfying to BOTH partners when their needs for emotional intimacy are met, and this need gets met through good sex. Good sex actually changes the chemical balance of the body. It can literally change your outlook from the inside out.

 

 

Ladyjane14, I agree with you in that, for me, true sexual satisfaction has always and only come when I felt emotionally connected to the person I was making love with. Without that emotional intimacy sex has always felt oddly mechanical to me and the climaxes have been quite empty. I dunno if I'm putting this in the right words. Not to say that I could only ever make love to a person I was "in love" with, but it had to be with someone I was involved with emotionally, otherwise it just felt like sex, not making love.

 

Though I don't understand what you mean when you say that making love will improve emotional bonding, because I always thought it was the other way around, or it has been with me. I rarely want to "make love" to a person whom I'm not emotionally involved with. Ofc, the sexual stirrings may be there, but those are purely physical in nature, with no emotional desire. Would appreciate if you could give me some insight into that if you have any to share.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby