Young and in a sexless marriage

[Ladyjane14]

Though I don't understand what you mean when you say that making love will improve emotional bonding, because I always thought it was the other way around, or it has been with me.

 

Good sex essentially does the same thing for women as it does for men. You might have a great sexual encounter with your partner and then feel all mellow and relaxed afterward, and when you associate those feelings with that particular person... you feel closer to them.

 

Overall, this isn't an issue in which we can speak in absolutes. In general terms, men are better able to compartmentalize the sexual function, but that doesn't mean that women can't do it too. In general terms, women are more likely to be moved toward sexual behavior by their emotional response to a man... but on the other hand, some are moved singularly by carnality.

 

You see it frequently in the OM/OW or Infidelity forums where an affair will start for the sole purpose of appeasing sexual needs... but then people end up all wrapped up emotionally. Both men and women fall into the same trap with equal ease.

 

You can also see these aberrations to generality in the Marriage forum where it's the male who's the hold-out in the sexual relationship and the female who's complaining she's feeling unloved.

 

So... I think what we have to do is to look at sexuality on more of a sliding scale. If you were to describe generalized male behavior on one side and generalized female behavior on the other... I think, as individuals, we'd all have a place on that scale with each of us displaying at least some characteristics usually attributed to the opposite-sex. Simplistically, if testosterone defines that which is male and estrogen defines that which is female... we all have at least some of both.

 

Now, if good sex does the same thing for women as it does for men... a guy might start wondering why his wife isn't jumping his bones twice a day. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because she doesn't KNOW that she's benefiting emotionally *AND* building libido as well, when she engages. Good sex actually increases her testosterone level.

 

But... a woman's libido, (and again, we're speaking in generalities) can be a fragile thing. A little exhaustion or illness, a little irritation, a little resentment... and libido goes over the rail like so much unnecessary ballast.

 

Women don't have testes, building a physical urgency. We rely on hormones and the adrenal system, so we might have an "urgency" spike right before ovulation or menses, but overall... we don't have the impetus that men have. Our sexuality is more in our brains than in our pants.

 

Unfortunately, too many married women have a tendency to view sex as something that's just for HIM. They don't take into account what they are getting out of it themselves, so they're not using their brain as an asset.

 

You know, I've been married for over 25 years and it's not been until the last couple of them that I'm able to notice an emotional drift on BOTH our parts when our sexual regularity is interrupted. So, if we go for a week or so, next thing you know, we're both just doing our own thing, not paying much attention to one another, and each more susceptible to irritation. Surprisingly, it's more me than him who has a tendency to drift, but it's only just recently that I connected the "drifting" to an interruption in sexual frequency.

 

Of course, when you add in the menstrual cycle, there are LOTS of interruptions in regularity. If you're a woman who's not already AWARE of the need to make a conscious effort to RE-engage in the sexual relationship... you might find yourself creating disharmony within the marriage and not realizing it was you all along. When the urge doesn't come to us naturally, we need to go LOOKING for it within the brain.

 

It doesn't help though when men aren't paying attention both in and out of the bedroom though. If he causes resentments outside the bedroom... he may as well have dipped his partner in a bucket of ice-water. Her libido won't stand it. And if he's not... ahem... 'getting the job done' inside the bedroom, he's creating a partner who EXPECTS frustration rather than satisfaction.

 

Honestly, I think there are quite a few guys who believe they're better lovers than they really are. A guy who believes that the female equivalent of the penis is the vagina... well, that's a guy who needs to get down to the bookstore, pronto. Vaginas are designed by nature to pass a nine-pound baby through, so a guy like that is probably missing a little something.

 

Good marital sex relies on BOTH partners bringing the appropriate energy to it. Even a good lover won't be able to please his wife if she's not willing to bring a the right attitude to bed with her. And I think maybe the key for a low-libido woman is to immerse herself in understanding human sexuality, as well as practicing it within her marriage. When she does, she'll begin to see that sex isn't just for him. It's emotionally beneficial to her as well, and to the relationship as a whole.

[hiswife]

If I may speak from the other side of things. I am a husband in a sexless marriage that has recently turned into a seperation.

In the past year my wife and I have shown honest mutual affection a small handful of times, we have not had sex in about 6 months. I have not had a kiss from her in about 8.

It started slowly. going from sex several times a week to maybe once a week.. then once a month.. then maybe once every 2 months.. and now.. well.. I felt horribly rejected. all efforts to show affection were denied.. an attempted kiss would be turned away. a hug went unmet. I became despondant and depressed. This feeling of rejection caused me to withdraw, and in my withdrawing from her, she saw it as me no longer wanting her or caring about her. She withdrew from me, which of course caused me to withdraw further.. you can see the spiral building here..

As things went on and we were moving further and further apart she began talking more and more with my (now ex) best friend. he was fulfilling what our relationship had been missing for far too long.. emotional contact.. she developed strong emotions for him, and with her emotional hunger satisfied she turned to satisfying other hungers.. the desire for intimacy.

She was very truthful with me after the affair. when she came back from a "trip out of town" i asked her if she had fun.. she replied. "yes, too much fun" and i knew exactly what she was saying. she admitted she had an affair, and that she is not sure she loves me etc etc etc.

what I'm trying to get at is your situation seems soo familiar. I've sat back and watched it happen. you will grow more distant. Sex is a way to crack the emotional shell that men are taught from birth to grow and make tough. We are rewarded for showing no feelings at all, but you can be sure that inside even the hardest man there is a very tender heart that is very easily wounded. Through intimacy we open ourselves to a woman (this only applies if there are feelings of love there.. or even mistaken feelings of love) this openness must be fed. it must be nurtured, because if a man is rejected it can wound that heart terribly. in a way that he could never hurt before, and can make then put that barrier back up. This leads to a breakdown of everything. If that barrier is up, communication stops, signs of affection stop, and it is lethal to a relationship. if he has withdrawn then you have to talk to him openly. he may see your aversion to sex as a personal inadequacy in himself, and may get angry.. if that happens. try to take what may come as hurtful from him as lightly as possible. People say a lot of things they dont mean when they are hurt and especially if a man sees his pride as being damaged.. We all like to think we are the greatest lovers the world has ever seen, and to think we are not by misinterpreting something that was said out of love and respect shakes that pride to the core.

Prepare to have him say hurtful things when the subject is breached, but keep on him, ask him what is missing for him. establish communications.. let him know you love him madly and want you both to be happy together.

you may have to take the initiative by either suggesting he make plans for a romantic night out or try a more bold approach and plan it youself. clear his calendar for him so he has no true excuses. rediscover the passion you have for eachother. It may not be as difficult a thing to come back from as you might think.

I wish you good luck with your marriage. and I pray that it never gets to the point mine has. one site i can not recommend enough is www.marriagebuilders.com I am understanding more about my own marriage than I thought there was to know. It May help you. Godspeed.

 

 

I completely agree with TheBetrayed. I was on the same path as you for about a year. It really disgusted me for my husband to kiss me or touch me (even cuddling). I think I was really emotionally unattached to him, still not sure of the reasons. But I completely understand what you are going through.

Now the tables have turned. A little more than a month ago, H and I got into a huge fight. All of my problems that I have had with him for the past couple of years came out. And everything that I said was harsh. From me calling him a loser, worthless, telling him that I didn't find him attractive anymore, that I couldn't see our M last a few more years...anything HORRIBLE you could tell someone that you loved...I said. I crushed him. I said all of those things out of anger. And he left (after I kicked him out). And at that very moment I regretted everything that came out of my mouth. But it was too late. Even though he came back to me, he still isn't Emotionally there with me.

Now I would do anything for him to want to hold me the way that he used to. All the times that he would kiss me and I wouldn't kiss him back...I deeply regret. Because I took it all for granted. All the times that I turned him away with him trying to cuddle with me...

I said the most hurtful things to him and now the tables have turned. I am the one needing the sex and he gives it to me, but it isn't the same anymore.

 

Please talk to him before it gets too late like it has with us. Talk to him when you are calm. Don't speak to him out of anger. Tell him everything that you are feeling. HE NEEDS TO FEEL THE LOVE TOO. DON'T PUSH HIM AWAY! TRY TRY TRY to have sex with him. Take away all the bad thoughts you have and hold him. HE LOVES YOU! YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER after you talk to him. ENJOY THE SEX. You become so intimidate in so many levels.

 

Nothing is worse than feeling rejected, and that is what you are doing to your husband.

[hiswife]

Oh yeah, forgot to mention a few things. H and I are also young. I am 25 and he is 27...have two kids ages 3 and 4 1/2 and I stay at home all day watching 3 more children. AND H lost his job about 5 months ago and is just NOW starting to work again. So I completely understand everything that you are going through. I don't know if you have read any of my post but I have suspecting H having an EE w/ a coworker. Don't think anything will ever come out of it (not physically)...or if it is me being paranoid about it but I feel that I pushed him into it. Me being so stressed out all of the time, no money and staying at home 24/7...could definitely be why I was unable to feel connecting to my H.

That is why I am stressing that you talk to him. You need to make him feel worthwhile too. He is probably going through a lot too. He needs to feel wanted just as much as you do.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Good sex essentially does the same thing for women as it does for men. You might have a great sexual encounter with your partner and then feel all mellow and relaxed afterward, and when you associate those feelings with that particular person... you feel closer to them.

...

You know, I've been married for over 25 years and it's not been until the last couple of them that I'm able to notice an emotional drift on BOTH our parts when our sexual regularity is interrupted. So, if we go for a week or so, next thing you know, we're both just doing our own thing, not paying much attention to one another, and each more susceptible to irritation. Surprisingly, it's more me than him who has a tendency to drift, but it's only just recently that I connected the "drifting" to an interruption in sexual frequency.

 

Thanks for the heads-up Ladyjane14 Appreciate your taking the time. I'm beginning to see what you're saying (takes me a little more time than most others, hehe, on account of the empty space up there ). Btw, are you sure you're not a medical person ? Your technical knowledge about stuff is huge. As long as you're not a hypochondriac, I really respect you for it

 

 

Now I would do anything for him to want to hold me the way that he used to. All the times that he would kiss me and I wouldn't kiss him back...I deeply regret. Because I took it all for granted. All the times that I turned him away with him trying to cuddle with me...

I said the most hurtful things to him and now the tables have turned. I am the one needing the sex and he gives it to me, but it isn't the same anymore.

 

You're prolly feeling this way cause you were able to get a lot of stuff out in the open and, more importantly, get it out of your system. However, your "frankness" has done his self-esteem a lot of harm. Though you can do your share to help repair it (if you are wanting to do that), however, it is him who has to do most of the repairing. You can help him realize and accept that a lot of what you said was out of resentment and frustration and not necessarily true and that you are genuinely sorry about bursting out like that. He also has to understand that some of what you have said may be true and that he has to pull himself together on communication with you and to work towards getting that intimacy back with a bit of conscious effort from his side. If he is unable to get over *his* resentment over your behaviour with him, it's going to be difficult to treat problems within your marriage. The fact that you have realized the error in your behaviour and are willing to and actively pursuing making up to him for that error gives me a lot of hope that your differences can be resolved. Good luck to you.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Bobby NoBrains]

Oh yeah, forgot to mention a few things. H and I are also young. I am 25 and he is 27...have two kids ages 3 and 4 1/2 and I stay at home all day watching 3 more children. AND H lost his job about 5 months ago and is just NOW starting to work again. So I completely understand everything that you are going through. I don't know if you have read any of my post but I have suspecting H having an EE w/ a coworker. Don't think anything will ever come out of it (not physically)...or if it is me being paranoid about it but I feel that I pushed him into it. Me being so stressed out all of the time, no money and staying at home 24/7...could definitely be why I was unable to feel connecting to my H.

That is why I am stressing that you talk to him. You need to make him feel worthwhile too. He is probably going through a lot too. He needs to feel wanted just as much as you do.

 

I'm glad that you understand that your husband has been going through a tough time esp cause of his work problems. A while back I had my own share of work problems, and I know the intense stress that I went through and the kind of damage this did to my self-esteem. It was at such a time that I really needed support and encouragement from my wife, who, however, was not able to deal with her own issues of insecurity arising out of my work problems and the stress-related issues in our marriage. That took a very bad toll on our relationship. I really can't emphasize enough, how much you need to do to let him know that you love and care for him *in spite of* his difficulties and that you are willing to work *with* him to save and strengthen the marriage and your future together. Understand that men are human, too, and some of us are harder on ourselves in times of perceived failure to provide, and at such a time we are more vulnerable to criticism and lack of support. Do your bit *now*.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[OpenBook]

A while back I had my own share of work problems, and I know the intense stress that I went through and the kind of damage this did to my self-esteem. It was at such a time that I really needed support and encouragement from my wife, who, however, was not able to deal with her own issues of insecurity arising out of my work problems and the stress-related issues in our marriage. That took a very bad toll on our relationship.

 

Bobby, does a man ever really get over something like that? when he really needed his W to have faith and confidence in him through a tough time, and she just didn't deliver? Is it always in the back of your mind now?

[Bobby NoBrains]

Bobby, does a man ever really get over something like that? when he really needed his W to have faith and confidence in him through a tough time, and she just didn't deliver? Is it always in the back of your mind now?

 

I suppose that if the behaviour would have changed I could have gotten over it, though it didn't and I didn't. Other things also contributed to our increasing lack of communication and intimacy. We ended up separating at my insistence a few months back and are currently separated. We are in some kinda NC where we don't talk to each other every day, except when we interact regarding our son, or when we meet at family gatherings. Though we both have not given up on reconciling, it's not looking very rosy, so far.

 

To answer your question, I guess I'm still not over that, yes, it is still in the back of my mind, and it may not go away easily. Which is why I was suggesting the OP really do something to make her husband understand that some of her behaviour is because of her own problems and not his. It might go a long way in helping clear up things, otherwise his resentment would build up into something that he might not be able to resolve.

 

I added in an edit, to say that I know that all the problems in my marriage haven't been her fault, I've been equally responsible for some things. Just wanted to make sure it dint come out like the blame lies with her alone.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Jojo_2007]

Although many antidepressent medications will cause a person to have low libido as a side effect, the anitdepressent Wellbutrin has been shown to both raise libido and promote easier and more orgasms in Women. A non depressed person taking Wellbutrin to enhance sexual desire will not have any effects on their mood unless you count being horny.

 

http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00248209;jsessionid=E580BF0D7FD9CF1540202ABFEAFFC2A9?order=17

[hiswife]

Me and my H just got into a huge fight again. He said that we were through. i had to beg him to give me another chance. He told me that he didn't want to work on it. Didn't have any desire to right now. He said that I put him down for the past 4 years and he was done. He didn't want me to touch him. He completely shut me out of his heart.

I had a long talk with him. I said that what he is doing isn't working (he said that he had to deal with it in his own mind...which meant to keep me at a distance so I wouldn't hurt him). I said that it is hurting both of us, while I am trying...he pulls back. I told him that he had to try for our relationship.

I was crying. Like really truly upset. Thinking that our M was over with. As I was getting ready to take a bath he came in and gave me a hug. I think he really meant it. He said that he was going to give me anther chance to prove myself to him. I'm so scared. I never meant to hurt him, and the reasons that I have been incredibly sweet to him is not because he was threatening to leave, it was because I would truly miss him. That I have regretted every moment where I made him feel like Sh*t. I hope he will truly work things out with me. For the past couple of months he hasn't been close with me. Not kissing me or holding me....I hope he can put this all behind him. Just wish that I didn't have to force him.

[Bobby NoBrains]

hiswife, I cannot emphasize enough, that irrespective of what part of this is his fault and what part is yours, if you really want to be with him, let him know that a lot of what you said has come from your own insecurities and not all of it was because you actually felt that way about him. Like I said, I've been through a tough time and the fact that my wife dint support me and made it out to be "all my fault" was devastating for me, and it really affected my confidence in her being able to stand by me ever again and that's played a big part in damaging my marriage a huge lot.

 

If you sincerely regret having said those things for *the correct reasons* then let him know that. Please be honest about the reasons because he will prolly be able to understand the truth of why you are now saying these things, and if he feels like you're just saying them to be able to hold on to him, he will feel even worse. But if he can be sure you really mean them, then perhaps it will help him to heal on at least this issue.

 

Once again, what I'm saying is that irrespective of the other issues in your marriage, if you've shaken his confidence in your ability and sincerity to stand by him because you were insecure and stressed, this is the time to clear the issue with him before it becomes too late.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Bobby NoBrains]

I'm so scared. I never meant to hurt him, and the reasons that I have been incredibly sweet to him is not because he was threatening to leave, it was because I would truly miss him. That I have regretted every moment where I made him feel like Sh*t. I hope he will truly work things out with me. For the past couple of months he hasn't been close with me. Not kissing me or holding me....I hope he can put this all behind him. Just wish that I didn't have to force him.

 

If you are able to put it into words so sincerely here, why not communicate with him using the same words with the same feelings ? I think it would be so much more effective and it will let him know how you really feel and how much you care about him and want him in your life

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby