Weird situation...

[shekei]

Alright, im 22 and I have had one 4 yr relationship (who was my first gf and sexual partner).. and other then that, had 5 other partners. My last gf of 4 years cheated on me after she got into drug's etc. I am now with a girl I would consider my soul mate.

 

When I first met her, we were very close and didnt decided to actually date as a couple for a few months even after talking every day since our initial meet.

 

I knew I HAD to date her. She is the one. Here is the problem...

 

It feels like I haven't really been out and kinda done my thing with girls. I dont want to look back when Im 30-40 and think back when I was 22 why I didn't have my chance to do whatever.

 

I never really just got out there...and just had sex out of pure lust which I want to doo. Right now, I am on a business trip with my relatives.. and there is many girls around.

 

I know I wouldn't get caught and it almost feels like... Its something I need to do, even if I feel guilty, I will make it up to her in other ways. Its nothing where I actually love another person, or dont LOVE her. I just want to at least feel like ive experienced what I can.

 

I know I will be with this girl for a long time. And I guess her going on all her trips and having a sexual history makes me eager too as well . (not necessarly to even the score, but to just have gone out there and done it)

 

Am I just being an idiot... I have never been like this really.. never cheated. And I guess now that I found the one, it scares me that my life as a young person is done with, which in a sense I want...but I want to at least look back on it and feel like I ...LIVED. I can't break up with her to do this though, cuz it would just KILL HER.

 

Ahhh..what the hell should I do...

[Lostgurl]

Am I just being an idiot... I have never been like this really.. never cheated. And I guess now that I found the one, it scares me that my life as a young person is done with, which in a sense I want...but I want to at least look back on it and feel like I ...LIVED. I can't break up with her to do this though, cuz it would just KILL HER.

 

Ahhh..what the hell should I do...

 

I'm sorry, but i seriously don't think that she's the one for you, if she doesn't make you feel alive, and you saying that your life is "done with" because you are in a committed relationship is a HUGE red flag.

 

You are basically saying that you are throwing your life away, by spending the rest of it with this girl. I don't think that you are ready for a long term relationship, let alone marriage.

[Cobra_X30]

Sounds like your girl has been around the block a few times and that kind of makes you feel like the scale isnt tipped in your favor?

 

I've been there when I was younger. I'd let her know how you feel and try to work through it before you do something that you regret later.

 

But props for getting advice before you run out and do something!

[shekei]

I am not neccesarly meaning throwing my life away. I guess i just say that because its like reverse psychology.

 

somehting is going so well.. so I think of how this could be my last chance of doing the single thing (while im still young)

 

my girlfriend does very much make me feel alive. we've been going out for 6 months and shes amazing. that isn't to say I cant have these feelings.

 

Maybe im not mature enough for it.. but I think that if I break it off with her, i would regret it a lot more.

 

She would never find out if I did something, and some girls from Los angeles are pretty tempting talking to me last night...

 

She wasnt around the block, but has had more relationships and im sure has had more partners which SHOULD be irrelevant.

[Cobra_X30]

She would never find out if I did something, and some girls from Los angeles are pretty tempting talking to me last night...

 

She wasnt around the block, but has had more relationships and im sure has had more partners which SHOULD be irrelevant.

 

Yes it should be irrelevant... but is it? Hey, I'm a guy and I will say straight up that it would be an issue to me. It has nothing to do with insecurities either...

 

Would you be feeling this way if your girlfriend had only been with you??

[bish]

It feels like I haven't really been out and kinda done my thing with girls. I dont want to look back when Im 30-40 and think back when I was 22 why I didn't have my chance to do whatever.

 

I never really just got out there...and just had sex out of pure lust which I want to doo.

 

Then you'd better break up with your girlfriend and do just that...because you are already doing her a disservice and showing her disrespect by that alone.

 

 

Right now, I am on a business trip with my relatives.. and there is many girls around.

 

I know I wouldn't get caught and it almost feels like... Its something I need to do, even if I feel guilty, I will make it up to her in other ways.

 

Uh...no...there is no cheating on someone because you think you can make it up to them later....what are you, 15?

 

 

Its nothing where I actually love another person, or dont LOVE her. I just want to at least feel like ive experienced what I can.

 

Then again, break up with her. If it is the thought that you don't want to lose her,....well...sorry, but tough *****. One or the other pal...don't try to have both otherwise you will be the epitome of selfishness.

 

I know I will be with this girl for a long time.

 

not if she really knew how you feel.

 

 

And I guess her going on all her trips and having a sexual history makes me eager too as well . (not necessarly to even the score, but to just have gone out there and done it)

 

??? did she do these things while with you? or before you? if it was before you, then you have no basis to even any scores.

 

And even if it was cheating on you, then just leave already.

 

Am I just being an idiot

 

yes

 

 

... I have never been like this really.. never cheated. And I guess now that I found the one, it scares me that my life as a young person is done with, which in a sense I want...but I want to at least look back on it and feel like I ...LIVED. I can't break up with her to do this though, cuz it would just KILL HER.

 

Ahhh..what the hell should I do...

 

Break up with her.

[shekei]

good call. BUT, if she was only with me, I wouldnt want that anyways.

 

There is always a way to take a trip to negative town. If she was only with me, maybe she'll want to play the field like Im thinking of..ya know.

 

I know this SHOULDN'T be an issue. Shes just so awesome and a great person and im very attracted to her. I just care about her so much that I feel like im losing my chance to still 'Be young'...

 

I hear older people say Get out there while your young because when your older you wont get that chance..etc. I hear older people say 'Everyone cheats'

 

Then im thinking, am I gonna turn 30 with her and realize that is true? That I could have got away with something and ultimetly forgave myself and to make it up to her..

 

Maybe im just rationalizing, and Im sure people think im ****ed up.. If someone has someone so wonderful, how could they want to cheat...well..I guess I just explained it!

[shekei]

Fair criticism Bish.

 

I guess your right. All my friends are all single and going about how good it is and Im sure they would just wish to be with my girl. They are having a negative infuence on me, and Im the youngest of the group. I hang out with guys that are 25-26 etc.

 

When I hear them saying that, I think to myself, am I being an idiot?

 

Also, my gf has been cheated on with her past 2 bf's and I dont want to follow the example because these guys were truely scum and treated her like dog ****. I treat her like a princess, but how am I any better if im contiplating these things?

 

Ulgh

[shekei]

Close this thread. Im acting like a immature pig.

 

Ive realized I shouldn't listen to anyone and just follow my heart, which is to her.

 

If i was following another part of my anatomy on this trip it would be somewhere else

 

But I am more scared of how I could have Tainted this pure relationship and never have it the same.

 

Its just not worth it.

 

Thanks guys

[Cobra_X30]

There is always a way to take a trip to negative town. If she was only with me, maybe she'll want to play the field like Im thinking of..ya know.

 

I know this SHOULDN'T be an issue. Shes just so awesome and a great person and im very attracted to her. I just care about her so much that I feel like im losing my chance to still 'Be young'...

 

Maybe... but thats just conjecture. The reality is that you dont feel experienced enough. I think if you viewed the two of you as being equal in this department you wouldnt be struggling with this as much.

 

Instead of running around behind her back... I mean serious, how would you feel if she did that to you? Talk to her about how your feeling.

 

I know you think your capable of cheating and having it not affect the relationship... but are you willing to take that risk?

 

Why did the last two guys cheat on her? Two can be a fluke.... three is a pattern!

[shekei]

The last two cheated on her cause I dont think they cared about her AT ALL. The difference is I really do care about her. They were borderline abusive boyfriends..

 

Shes very attached. I think she was dating the bad guys to try to change them...ended up failing miserably. lol.

 

Now, she is with a good guy. Which... sometimes my 'belief' is good guys finish last. Maybe in the back of my head I think Im going to get screwed over in the long run, so why not do it first.

 

If thats the case, I shouldn't be in a relationship which is probably true.

 

I am not sure what Im feeling. A lot of people in my ear which is persuading me on ONE side, then another.

 

I should just listen to myself.. but hey, why would I be posting here then!

[shekei]

Its weird, I know what I think is wrong. I listen to the song Train - Drops of Jupiter. I know its actually written to his mother, but a lot of people take it terms of relationships.

 

Pretty much in terms of a girl finding herself out there..

 

in my head im playing it out of me doing it.. and it just makes me upset instantly hearing this song cause I know the grasss is always greener...

[Cobra_X30]

The last two cheated on her cause I dont think they cared about her AT ALL. The difference is I really do care about her. They were borderline abusive boyfriends..

 

Shes very attached. I think she was dating the bad guys to try to change them...ended up failing miserably. lol.

 

Now, she is with a good guy. Which... sometimes my 'belief' is good guys finish last. Maybe in the back of my head I think Im going to get screwed over in the long run, so why not do it first.

 

If thats the case, I shouldn't be in a relationship which is probably true.

 

I am not sure what Im feeling. A lot of people in my ear which is persuading me on ONE side, then another.

 

I should just listen to myself.. but hey, why would I be posting here then!

 

Exactly! Good guys often finish last. Makes you not want to be a good guy does'nt it!

 

See for girls there is a straight answer for this stuff. For us guys its a balancing act! You want to feel experienced enough to be with this girl... but you dont want to cheat.

 

Dont get me wrong... I'm not trying to persuade you one way or the other. I want you to sit down and really deal with this issue before it comes up again! What happens when your married with 3 kids and you meet some girl at work that is into you?? Better now than later.

[Cobra_X30]

Its weird, I know what I think is wrong. I listen to the song Train - Drops of Jupiter. I know its actually written to his mother, but a lot of people take it terms of relationships.

 

Pretty much in terms of a girl finding herself out there..

 

in my head im playing it out of me doing it.. and it just makes me upset instantly hearing this song cause I know the grasss is always greener...

 

I understand where your at so much. I just turned 28 and I dealt with this alot early on.

 

I did the LTR thing in Highschool, so when I got to college I felt like I had missed out to a degree. I dated a few of the girls who loved bad boys... and I always sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have dumped some real quality girls, just because I felt the way you do now... and I didnt want to be seen as a cheater!

 

Now, I am a little older, and a little wiser... and if I meet a girl who has had more partners than me... she was taking money for it! I can't say I'm happier for it.

[shekei]

Exactly! Good guys often finish last. Makes you not want to be a good guy does'nt it .

 

 

It does. I start becoming an ******* because of that. and she hates it. She just wants me to be how I am. So I have learned that isn't what she wants now. What someone wants awhile ago, isnt what they want know. I wanted a girl before that was into partying and going nuts, ended up being a whore. So your values and beliefs change as you get older.

 

****Now, I am a little older, and a little wiser... and if I meet a girl who has had more partners than me... she was taking money for it! I can't say I'm happier for it.****

 

What did you mean by this?? She was taking money for it..

[Cobra_X30]

It does. I start becoming an ******* because of that. and she hates it. She just wants me to be how I am. So I have learned that isn't what she wants now. What someone wants awhile ago, isnt what they want know. I wanted a girl before that was into partying and going nuts, ended up being a whore. So your values and beliefs change as you get older.

 

****Now, I am a little older, and a little wiser... and if I meet a girl who has had more partners than me... she was taking money for it! I can't say I'm happier for it.****

 

What did you mean by this?? She was taking money for it..

 

 

LOL... It means only the hookers have had more partners.

And yes it messes with you head a little sometimes! Not sure I really want to admit that though.

 

Yeah, your tastes do change with time... and they change back too! Or maybe you havnt read any of the "I'm just not in love my my nice guy husband anymore" threads? I'm telling you that it requires a balancing act. If your too nice, too often, she loses interest. Not true for all girls... but lets face it, there was a reason she went after the bad boys to begin with, right?

 

My overall point though is that you really need to work this out with her! Otherwise this feeling is just going to come back stronger later!

[shekei]

True Cobra funny thing, i brang it up to her at dinner the other night. It wasnt to the point I said I want to go out and sleep around...

 

I just kinda said, I dont really know your history.. which i said, I know past is past. But am I dating a whore? Like i have no ****ing idea

 

she just laughed, cuz I didnt say it in a mean way. I was basically asking if she slept around before she met me. She denies and said only the ppl she dated.

 

I agree that being too nice is NOT good, it creates no mystery.. you gotta sometimes let em off to get their mind to wonder.

[Cobra_X30]

Yup... Treat them Mean to Keep them Kean! As the saying goes.

 

Well it's really good that it's only the guys she dated! Ever see the movie Best in Show? I was absolutely frightened to wind up as the Eugene Levy character!

 

Any idea what the whole "sowing your wild oats" is going to bring you? I mean to say what exactly are you looking for? Will it boost your self confidence?

[Cobra_X30]

Yup... Treat them Mean to Keep them Kean! As the saying goes.

 

Well it's really good that it's only the guys she dated! Ever see the movie Best in Show? I was absolutely frightened to wind up as the Eugene Levy character!

 

Any idea what the whole "sowing your wild oats" is going to bring you? I mean to say what exactly are you looking for? Will it boost your self confidence?

[serial muse]

Okay, listen. You're only 22, and you're thinking you're not ready to settle down. That's fine, but lying about it?? Cheating?? Not okay.

 

I don't want to turn this into a rant about the not-so-nice-guys who like to think they're "nice guys" thing again, but this is part of the problem, I think - guys who are so worried about their friends and girlfriends thinking they're "nice guys" - aka doormats - that they turn around and act like complete *********s.

 

There is another way to go, and it's this: break up with her. Yes, I said it. It's better than cheating. If you cheat, it's a slippery slope - you don't really think you'll satisfy the need to have "experiences" with this one trip, do you? It'll be tempting again, and you'll rationalize it again, and you'll create a deeper, more intricate web of lies and deceit, and you'll probably end up either disliking yourself or her (for putting up with you or not seeing through you) or both. It's not about "treating them mean to keep them keen." Sorry Cobra, but that's rather immature, and incredibly disrespectful to actual human beings. If you cheat, you're making a choice that you should take responsibility for, and that means that, even if you decide not to be honest with her, you should at least be honest with yourself: you're not all that different from her exes. It doesn't matter if you say you "care about her" - they, too, may have thought and said that they cared about her a lot. To her, though, it's not going to feel very different.

 

I'm not trying to be overly harsh here. You're young, and if you're not ready to make the decision to be with someone "forever", then fine - don't. Just don't lie to her, and don't disrespect her. If your friends can't see that part of it, or if they think that treating another human being with decency and respect means being a doormat, then perhaps you should think about who you choose as friends. You say you're a "good guy" and apparently you've found a great girl - how is that finishing last, again?

 

But seriously - break up with her, if you're not ready to be with her, or even with "just one person." It's not easy, but it's really rather simple. You are young. It's not the end of the world. Just don't make a decision that loses you both the "good guy" label and the great girl, all in one fell swoop.

 

But one more thing - you don't have to think about dating this woman as a "death sentence." Lots of people have relationships at your age, even long-term relationships, and realize down the road that it's not the right person. You can always decide to end a relationship, if, in the future, you realize she's not the right person for you. Just do it honestly, please.

 

Also, my gf has been cheated on with her past 2 bf's and I dont want to follow the example because these guys were truely scum and treated her like dog ****. I treat her like a princess, but how am I any better if im contiplating these things?

 

The last two cheated on her cause I dont think they cared about her AT ALL. The difference is I really do care about her. They were borderline abusive boyfriends..

 

Shes very attached. I think she was dating the bad guys to try to change them...ended up failing miserably. lol.

 

Now, she is with a good guy. Which... sometimes my 'belief' is good guys finish last. Maybe in the back of my head I think Im going to get screwed over in the long run, so why not do it first.

[Cobra_X30]

I don't want to turn this into a rant about the not-so-nice-guys who like to think they're "nice guys" thing again, but this is part of the problem, I think - guys who are so worried about their friends and girlfriends thinking they're "nice guys" - aka doormats - that they turn around and act like complete *********s.

 

There is another way to go, and it's this: break up with her. Yes, I said it. It's better than cheating. If you cheat, it's a slippery slope - you don't really think you'll satisfy the need to have "experiences" with this one trip, do you? It'll be tempting again, and you'll rationalize it again, and you'll create a deeper, more intricate web of lies and deceit, and you'll probably end up either disliking yourself or her (for putting up with you or not seeing through you) or both. It's not about "treating them mean to keep them keen." Sorry Cobra, but that's rather immature, and incredibly disrespectful to actual human beings. If you cheat, you're making a choice that you should take responsibility for, and that means that, even if you decide not to be honest with her, you should at least be honest with yourself: you're not all that different from her exes. It doesn't matter if you say you "care about her" - they, too, may have thought and said that they cared about her a lot. To her, though, it's not going to feel very different.

 

Did that whole conversation just fly right over your head? He already decided not to cheat... he still has to deal with the feeling behind the urge. Just saying... "get over it" doesnt work.

 

I'm sorry that sounds disrespectful to you, but I dont control human nature. I've just learned to accept this as part of what makes most girls tick and work with it. it sucks but that's just the way it is.

[serial muse]

Did that whole conversation just fly right over your head? He already decided not to cheat... he still has to deal with the feeling behind the urge. Just saying... "get over it" doesnt work.

 

I'm sorry that sounds disrespectful to you, but I dont control human nature. I've just learned to accept this as part of what makes most girls tick and work with it. it sucks but that's just the way it is.

 

Where on earth did I say "get over it?" I said, make a decision, and I think that's the right piece of advice. It's also not all that different from what you said, except for the part about potentially acting like an ass to get respect from women and other men alike. There aren't enough rolling-eyed-smilies in the world for that one.

 

He sort of made a decision, and sort of not. He decided not to do it for now, but he didn't really talk about his indecision with her. Instead, he asked her about her history, which is really just a way of deflecting and not dealing directly with what's going on with him. He didn't talk to her about what's really wrong, and I don't think he's made up his mind not to ever do it.

 

Look, I know all about human nature, and I have BTDT as far as having a cheating ex. And please don't try to tell me what makes girls tick. If I never read another misguided, bitter-laden word about that on these boards again it'll be too damn soon. I certainly don't go around saying bullcrap like that about men, and lord knows it's been pretty tempting on here to retaliate and defend the womenfolk in kind. But what's the point? I don't believe that crap, I think there's a great variety of people in the world, and I'm not interested in pretending to see whole groups of people in a black-and-white way just to vent my anger at one jerk, or at a handful of genuine jerks I've come across throughout my life. I'm interested in encouraging the good that I think is in people. Even most people.

 

People are drawn to mystery, yes - but that does not equate to treating anybody like crap. Ever. Despite the prevailing attitude of bitterness often on these boards - understandable, since many here have had their hearts broken - actually, people don't suck that much. I'd rather work with the parts of them that I actually like. That goes for both men and women. And I don't see how telling this poor guy that his girlfriend will like him better if he treats her like crap is going to help, since she obviously likes him fine the way he is. She's not the one out there looking for mystery and excitement. Would you advocate her sneaking around on him, as a way of drawing his interest back to her? Treating him mean to keep him keen, as it were?

 

Because - yuck.

[Cobra_X30]

Where on earth did I say "get over it?" I said, make a decision, and I think that's the right piece of advice. It's also not all that different from what you said, except for the part about potentially acting like an ass to get respect from women and other men alike. There aren't enough rolling-eyed-smilies in the world for that one.

 

Look, I know all about human nature, and I have BTDT as far as having a cheating ex. And please don't try to tell me what makes girls tick. If I never read another misguided, bitter-laden word about that on these boards again it'll be too damn soon. I certainly don't go around saying bullcrap like that about men, and lord knows I could if I felt like getting drawn into the gender wars and defending the womenfolk in kind. But what's the point? It isn't true about all men, and I'm not interested in pretending that it is just to get my anger out. I'm interested in encouraging the good that I think is in people, and in honoring it.

 

Look. People are drawn to mystery, yes - but that does not equate to treating anybody like crap. Ever. Despite the prevailing attitude of bitterness often on these boards - understandable, since many here have had their hearts broken - actually, people don't suck that much. I'd rather work with the parts of them that I actually like. That goes for both men and women.

 

Correct, you said make a decision. Which he already made.

 

I dont understand what is so offensive. You dont have to stand up and defend women... this isnt girl bashing time. There are plenty of little odd things about men too. We are almost all sensetive about the size of our... ahem... "junk". Perhaps your trying to refute the whole idea that girls get bored with guys who are nice? Seriously some do some dont. My experience is most do, and I'm not bitter about that, nor am I angry. Shoot, I even expect that situation to change as I get older.

 

Actually I think the problem is you dont understand exactly what we are talking about. Nobody here is advocating guys bieng abusive or cheating!

[Lizzie60]

I say ... go out there and f*ck all you can... just like a buffet.. then you will settle down with one girl and be happy...

 

If you don't do that... and settle down with this girl (who btw did just that) then it will always be on your mind... and you will eventually resent your life with her..and you will do it later when you have kids running around the house..

 

Go and sow your oats...

[squeak]

Break up with her and do whatever you need to, you sound like you are at the breaking point, struggling so hard now to keep it in check, how long do you think THAT will last? A year, 2? I doubt it, you are ripe for cheating. Even that question you posed to your GF was so disrespectful --she should have known what was up.

 

All the signs are there, it is going to keep coming out in your attidute to her, maybe one day you will reconnect with her if you make the right choice and break up so you can see as many other girls as possible. I guarantee you will meet another girl farther down the line to be serious with, when you are ready. I think continuing and stifling your urges isn't going to work, you are going to cheat, may as well be honest with yourself and break up first because you will hurt her and she will find out. It is crazy to think she won't find out-believe that! Now picture the heartbeak, the tears, the apologies-and that you knew the others did this to her....why do drama? Skip it all and just break up, it is not fair to take away her decision to choose to be with you based on you being with other girls. Do you really want to do that to someone you love and care about?

 

Every day you choose what kind of person to be.