Wife had an affair

[Gunny376]

the contents of the card are as follows:

"First of all I want to start off by saying I am sorry. I know I havent said that after everything that has gone on and I know I owe you at least that. I'm just stubborn sometimes. Ok. Ok. not just sometimes, I know.

Thank you for giving me space. Although I was upset at first, it is what I needed and is helping me think much clearer.

 

At this point, I don't know what you are feeling or what you want but I would like to ask that we hold off on filing for seperation or divorce. If you feel like you need to, I understand. But if you are willing to give me some more time first, I would prefer that. I do love you, and I am sorry I didn't say it when I should have.

Love,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Talk is cheap, action speaks louder than words! And her actions thus far to date says she has little regard for you, your marriage ~ not to mention R E S P E C T!

 

The greatest predictor of future behavior? Past behavior!

 

If it were me? She had best be doing some serious 180 damn quick, fast and in a hurry like. And, I would clearly spell out to her the consequences ~ and they wouldn't be pretty and they won't be fun! I'd paint a clear pretty picture in her head that a World of Hurt was about to come raining down on her and her little virtiual fantasy world! That when I was done ~ I was done! And there wouldn't be any going back nor coming back!

 

And, I'd let her know! Its not what can I do for you, its to the point of what you can do for me! Its not what I've got to offer you, but what you've got to offer me? And that "window of opportunity" is closing faster and faster with each passing day!

 

If she didn't appreciate what I had to offer? I'd find someone who did! There's no shortage of women! The freaking world is covered up with them! Already has more than it can handle!

 

And while there's no shortage of men ~ there ISa shortage of good men who have their heads together, their acts together and have a lot of good love to give!

 

If it had been me? I'd read it in front of her and tossed it in her face and told her the above!

 

Nothing but tough love! Its really the only thing that works with Waywards!

[ThumbingMyWay]

Talk is cheap, action speaks louder than words! And her actions thus far to date says she has little regard for you, your marriage ~ not to mention R E S P E C T!

 

The greatest predictor of future behavior? Past behavior!

 

If it were me? She had best be doing some serious 180 damn quick, fast and in a hurry like. And, I would clearly spell out to her the consequences ~ and they wouldn't be pretty and they won't be fun! I'd paint a clear pretty picture in her head that a World of Hurt was about to come raining down on her and her little virtiual fantasy world! That when I was done ~ I was done! And there wouldn't be any going back nor coming back!

 

And, I'd let her know! Its not what can I do for you, its to the point of what you can do for me! Its not what I've got to offer you, but what you've got to offer me? And that "window of opportunity" is closing faster and faster with each passing day!

 

If she didn't appreciate what I had to offer? I'd find someone who did! There's no shortage of women! The freaking world is covered up with them! Already has more than it can handle!

 

And while there's no shortage of men ~ there ISa shortage of good men who have their heads together, their acts together and have a lot of good love to give!

 

If it had been me? I'd read it in front of her and tossed it in her face and told her the above!

 

Nothing but tough love! Its really the only thing that works with Waywards!

 

 

 

dammm your good.....

[bish]

Depends upon where he lives? In so long as they're married, without a legal seperation agreement he has a moral and perhaps legal obligation to support her and the children.

 

Well ya...I was thinking along the lines of after divorce.

 

Generally where the Mother goes ~ the chldren go? It wouldn't look so good to waltz into "D" court with the STBXW and children living in a homeless shelter or living out of her car ~ now would it!

 

True, but here again, I was thinking after divorce. Besides, we'll take my case for example. The child support money I pay is for MY CHILDREN. Not for her to go out and party with her abusive new boyfriend.

 

But lets say it is to pay her expenses. The money I pay could cover her rent, phone bill, cable bill, internet bill, and her electric bill. Those are the major expenses. All other monthly expenses she can handle easily from the income of her job. Also, I still pay for their health care.

 

yet she still whines and complains that it isn't enough. So I told her, she has some choices...get a better job, which she can do easily, get a better man, since he is nothing but a leech, give custody of the kids to me, or shut the hell up.

 

She chose the latter.

 

And if it becomes clear that she blows the money she gets from me on herself and my kids go without, then I WILL spend whatever money I need to to get them in my custody where they will be properly taken care of.

[bish]

Nothing but tough love! Its really the only thing that works with Waywards!

 

I found the best way to deal with waywards is to boot their asses out the door.

[IpAncA]

OM has to be out of the picture and if MC isn't an option according to her then you got your answer.

 

She's either really bright and is trying to see how good she can come out of this by asking you to hold off or simply foolish.

[thebetrayed]

OM has to be out of the picture and if MC isn't an option according to her then you got your answer.

 

She's either really bright and is trying to see how good she can come out of this by asking you to hold off or simply foolish.

 

Of course the reason she is holding off is to try to get the most out of this. It doesnt really take a bright person to do that.. just a selfish one. She already proved that she is selfish by doing the single most disrespectful, hurtful thing she can do purely so she can have some pleasure herself.

 

I still wont let myself say "I Love you" no matter how badly my heart wants me to tell her. And on all topics besides our children I attempt to be as cold as possible, and show no care as to what she is doing for herself. IT's just very hard. Denying what you feel is a difficult thing. esp. for as long as something like this may take.

[IpAncA]

I don't know if anyone asked you on here this but what do you want to happen?

[thebetrayed]

I don't know if anyone asked you on here this but what do you want to happen?

 

I want her to forsake her lover and allow us to work on the problems in our marriage that were tearing us apart before the affair started.

I want her to be in love with me again. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I'm still in love with her.

My mind is made up, and i have a contingency plan.. I'm waiting on her, and this is the hardest thing for me. I'd rather be openly fighting with her than just sit back waiting for her to tire of doing her own thing.

[Darth Vader]

Reading this just made me well up in tears, my heart hurts your children! What an AWFUL situation your (selfish) wife has created. It literally is making me sick that she is putting herself first above her own children. WTF. I wish that you had your children, not her. She was the one who cheated, put her love and energy elsewhere and not fully into you and your children.

 

 

 

Next time, TELL HER EXACTLY THIS. It's time SHE starts to feel the suffering, the pain and consquences of her stupid and selfish choices.

 

 

AMEN SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Darth Vader]

I want her to forsake her lover and allow us to work on the problems in our marriage that were tearing us apart before the affair started.

I want her to be in love with me again. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I'm still in love with her.

My mind is made up, and i have a contingency plan.. I'm waiting on her, and this is the hardest thing for me. I'd rather be openly fighting with her than just sit back waiting for her to tire of doing her own thing.

 

 

The only problem with that plan is, that's exactly what she wants you to do, just sit back and wait, meanwhile, back at the ranch, she's riding her OM getting her fill of the most orgasmic sex she'll ever have, even from you, then, she'll come back and DEMAND that you stay faithful to her. That my friend is the sick selfish game she's playing with you. I highly suggest that you call her tonight and get her answer, either you, or OM, I have this feeling and I'm sure you do too, what that answers gonna be!

 

THEN DROP HER ASS!!!!!!!

[IpAncA]

The only problem with that plan is, that's exactly what she wants you to do, just sit back and wait, meanwhile, back at the ranch, she's riding her OM getting her fill of the most orgasmic sex she'll ever have, even from you, then, she'll come back and DEMAND that you stay faithful to her.

 

I was thinking the same thing but OM doesn't live anywhere near. I'm assuming all she can do is talk to him unless they decide to met which I hope they don't do.

 

I just wonder if she's waiting to see if her and OM can be together and if they can't, will she come back just because or come back because she wants to be with him like OP wants? I do hope I'm wrong but it's something to think about.

[jesslindy]

Each day that you go by letting your stbx wife say " please hold off on divorce", is another chunck of self-respect you lose to her and yourself. Dude, how can you picture the rest of your life happy with a woman that is capable of this? She is using and abusing you, and for what, LOVE!! Get out of here with that!! Dont get me wrong, I Love my STBX wife with all of my heart, but I will not play second fiddle to anyone. But what on earth does love have to with it? Let me tell you something, NOTHING!! Tina Turner had that s**t right.

 

Be the best father you can be. YOUR KIDS WILL SEE IT!! My son is only 2 years old and he can see it. Hes a wreck when he is in her care, crying, whining, needy, non-listener. When he's with me, listens, plays, laughs, shows affection.

 

FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! Be the best man you can be. Salvage some self-respect. Quit worrying about what she is going to do about it. You think I am worried about how my wife is going to make it. HELL NO!!! Thats because I will stop at nothing to get custody of my son and I won't have to worry about if she is going to make it. When the judge slams the gavel and she OWES ME support. Do you think I care how she pays it. HELL NO!! Get another job!! Cant hack it in marraige? You want to flip my world upside down and act like its ok? Cant see me for who I am and what I am capable of??? C-YA, when I'm ordering my hamburger and fries!!!

 

Dude, its just that simple. Its the only thing that works. Please start to listen. Go read "LOVE MUST BE TOUGH" Read it twice. Gain some composure. Stand up for yourself.

 

I know I'm coming off harsh, but man you have to start acting for yourself and your children ONLY!!! Your wife doesnt respect you, and how on earth is that going to work?? See it for what it is. PLEASE!!!

[Gunny376]

Just like on the job, in marriage there are minor offenses, major offenses, and intolerable offenses.

 

EA or PA's are intolerable offensese ~ they just are. And a woman cheats on me in word, action, spirit or deed? She's H I S T O R Y!

 

I don't personally subscribe to this "I'm sorry BS!" You should have thought about that before you did what you did or said what you said. With me? You get one shot ~ so you'd best get it right the first time. Life's too short and there simply too many women running around the planet looking for a good man to be wasting on someone who "can't get it right"

 

The first time a woman expresses that she's got doubts about her and I? I'm going to become the answer to her dreams.

 

But, then again I'm well the otherside of where most here are?! I could give a damn if I ever get into another LTR, let alone marriage? I don't need a woman to validate me ~ I validate myself! I don't need a woman to cook, clean, do my laundry ~ I do all that just as good if not better than most women.

 

To the OP? If it were me ~ I'd quit playing according to her rules and dictates. Granted ~ you can't do anything about this affecting you and yours? BUT you can take back control of your life.

 

And, what Darth, JL and I are saying is exactally that. Don't be a slave to a woman, and don't hang your azz up on some "lover's cross"

 

Darth and I have already been through all of this. JL's coming up from behind quick, fast and in a hurry like.

 

The really good thing that does come out of all of this, if you've learned your lesson well is that you build up a certain amount of immunity to women's bag of tricks. And you get to the point to where there's not a woman on the planet you can't turn your back on and walk away from.

 

That's because out of this? You learn that your self respect, your self dignity, your self esteem, is of much more value than just a piece of azz!

 

I'll admit that when I went through this crap and my divorce ~ it brought me to my knees! But I fully subscribe to ~ "That which doesn't kill you ~ only makes you stronger!"

 

And Bish is right! The way to handle a WS is with decisiviness! Let them know straight out and straight up! "I'm not playing with your azz! And I mean business!"

 

The problem is? Most of us got married young, before we had an opportunity to discover ourselves, and who we are, and what we're about. Marriage like combat is a really bad way to learn OJT! Then before you know it, you're up to your neck in a job/carrer you hate, bills, a mortgage, children, running to and fro. Once you get married? Life comes at you fast!

 

The absolute truth of the matter is? All the time, effort, energy, money ~ etc that you're expending on getting this one back into the fold would easily net you ten others who would appreciate what you've got to offer!

[Gunny376]

The way child support should work IMHO is this:

 

Any and all child support payments should go through the courts and a court clerk.

 

The custodial parent would submitt to the court what there living expenses are, (rent, natural gas, electricity, water, groceries, basic telephone, school lunches, child care ~ but not cable TV, internet, cell phone.)

 

Baseed upon that a percentage of the total child support the custodial parent gets a check each month. The rest? Goes into a "combined" (all the other child support) modest interst bearing (bonds or even passbook savings account).

 

The custodial spouse needs money for school supplies, clothes, sports, etc. She submits to the clerk of the court. The clerk of the court cuts a check for whatever amount is needed for the child, the custodial spouse purchases it ~ submits receipts to the clerk of the court for same!

 

My X-Hex was trading for new cars every two or three years when she was getting child support. Now? She drives a 1995 Toyota Corrola.

 

Clearly my child support wasn't being spent on my children.

 

She tried to back-door me on a couple of things, but having a couple of business law classes under my belt, I knew a thing or two she didn't!

 

I use to send the child support checks a month in advance! BUT, I would write on the front of the check in red ink, "AS A CONDITION OF ENDORSEMENT! NOT VALID UNTIL XX-XX-XXXX!" Use to drive her nuts!"

 

After the divorce, as we were un-tangling our finances, she called my Command, and the battalion Sergeant Major and my First Sergeant got in to a very heated argument! She PMO about some money I owed her. It was only $500, but she was crying and carrying on like it was a million.

 

So I cut her a check for $100, and on the back on the endorsment line, I wrote, "Paid In Full"

 

She cashed it! LOL! :lmao: And I left her out to dry for the other $400.

 

She owed me some money, and wrote a check! I tried to cash it, and for about six months everytime I tried to cash it? The teller would slide it back to me! It was only a $100?

 

Finally I asked the teller, "How much would I have to deposit into her account to cash this check? She beemed and said, "$20!" I gave her twenty ~ collected my $100 and went to the house! (Actually I went to the Staff NCO club and got drunk on the $80! ) She and DHX3 bounced a bunch of checks, missed a mortgage payment yada~yada!

 

I could go on and on about how I "spanked her azz" and sent her across the curb crying!

 

Such is Life!

 

Her azz learned!

 

There's just somethings you don't do in Life? You don't spit into the wind, you don't pull on Superman's cape and you don't play a game of "f**k ~ f**k" with a Marine Gunnery Sergeant!

[Darth Vader]

I was thinking the same thing but OM doesn't live anywhere near. I'm assuming all she can do is talk to him unless they decide to met which I hope they don't do.

 

I just wonder if she's waiting to see if her and OM can be together and if they can't, will she come back just because or come back because she wants to be with him like OP wants? I do hope I'm wrong but it's something to think about.

 

 

I know about this distance, but, that didn't stop her the first time. Anyway, who's to say that he wouldn't come there. Why should you be second fiddle to OM? Why does she get to treat you like leftovers?

[Reckless]

Her indecision is killing me. I'm up to 1.5packs of cigarettes a day, up from not smoking. I'm listless and cant focus at work. I know that i'm getting very depressed.

 

Listen, you cannot just sit there and do nothing - you are in shock, you are slipping into depression, you have to take some action NOW.

 

 

Counselling is not an option for her. She is of the school of thought that only crazy people incapable of deciding anything for themselves go to counselors. I'm trying to let her take her time. but I dont know how much longer I can last. What could possibly make this a hard decision for her?

 

Your wife can either stop talking to this guy and change her attitude to councelling and you both get help or MOVE OUT and be with her lover.

 

YOU have to take control and make her understand that you will give her no more time to "think about it". Part of the reason she is treating you this way is because she has no respect for you, in order for her to respect you again you must make yourself heard. My sitting in a corner and wringing your hands while she chats to her lover under your roof you are reinforcing the fact that you cannot be a MAN and are not worthy of respect. When you get up and say "enough" she may see you as someone worth respecting. Your silence and inactivity is killing any chance you have to regain her respect and without respect there is no love.

 

Do not be violent, do not loose your temper (she will leave your butt fast AND get the house and the kids if you do) be reasonable and say she must choose which man she wants and do so NOW.

 

I know you love her, I know you'd do anything to keep her but letting her chat to her lover and ignore you will only cause you to loose your health, your mental stability and eventually you may do something regretable. I know its hard to take control but you have to tell her to stay and be in the marriage or pack her bags and go.

 

Do not move out of the family home because that may be counted as 'abandomnment' if it goes to court.

 

 

How do I move on from her? I've made my entire life rotater around her. I've given up friends, school, and a lot of myself to try to be the man she wanted me to be. I dont know if I could find all that I have lost.

 

Its not over, if you can forgive her for what she has done, maybe you can save your marriage but ONLY if she wants to work on it. She will never want to work on the marriage as long as she can have BOTH a home/husband AND a lover. You MUST force her hand.

 

 

She also doesnt regret having sex with joe, but says she is sorry it hurt me. I've told her that she needs to be ashamed of what she's done. she should regret it. ...

 

You cannot tell another person what they SHOULD feel; she feels what she feels. She doesn't love you enough to not have sex with another man and she doesn't regret what she's done. That's just the way it is. Question is: what are YOU going to do about it?

 

Doing nothing is no longer an option.

[Gunny376]

Listen, you cannot just sit there and do nothing - you are in shock, you are slipping into depression, you have to take some action NOW.

 

 

 

 

Your wife can either stop talking to this guy and change her attitude to councelling and you both get help or MOVE OUT and be with her lover.

 

YOU have to take control and make her understand that you will give her no more time to "think about it". Part of the reason she is treating you this way is because she has no respect for you, in order for her to respect you again you must make yourself heard. My sitting in a corner and wringing your hands while she chats to her lover under your roof you are reinforcing the fact that you cannot be a MAN and are not worthy of respect. When you get up and say "enough" she may see you as someone worth respecting. Your silence and inactivity is killing any chance you have to regain her respect and without respect there is no love.

 

Do not be violent, do not loose your temper (she will leave your butt fast AND get the house and the kids if you do) be reasonable and say she must choose which man she wants and do so NOW.

 

I know you love her, I know you'd do anything to keep her but letting her chat to her lover and ignore you will only cause you to loose your health, your mental stability and eventually you may do something regretable. I know its hard to take control but you have to tell her to stay and be in the marriage or pack her bags and go.

 

Do not move out of the family home because that may be counted as 'abandomnment' if it goes to court.

 

 

 

 

Its not over, if you can forgive her for what she has done, maybe you can save your marriage but ONLY if she wants to work on it. She will never want to work on the marriage as long as she can have BOTH a home/husband AND a lover. You MUST force her hand.

 

 

 

 

You cannot tell another person what they SHOULD feel; she feels what she feels. She doesn't love you enough to not have sex with another man and she doesn't regret what she's done. That's just the way it is. Question is: what are YOU going to do about it?

 

Doing nothing is no longer an option.

 

DAMNED!

 

WISHED IT WAS ME THAT SAID ALL OF THAT!

 

BTW Reckless?

 

Are you availiable? :love::love::love:

[thebetrayed]

I had my kids all weekend.. Friday after i got off form work till this evening. The kids didnt want to go home...

Tonight i'm suffering withdrawals. I miss the noise and aura of chaos the kids bring with them. all of this is so hard, but I've gotten back into writing poetry ( i had stopped from lack of desire when I met my ww) I have my first psych appt tomorrow afternoon.. hopefully just talking will help me air out some of these feelings and start me on the path I need to be on.. Restoring my self-worth, self-respect, and dignity. I know things are going to be ok, but its hard going on in spite of what this bleeding heart of mine wants. I KNOW what *I* have to do, but damn I wish I were 10 years old again.

Things were so much simpler before I knew how hard being a "grown up" was.

 

I've been listening to all my Jim Croce again and damn with a new perspective I hear things in his songs that i never knew were there. The song "Operator" really strikes home. Talking about an aching heart, but knowing that you gotta get thru it and take care of yourself..

 

I know that so many have been thru this before, and all the advice is the same, unfortunately it doesnt make it any easier. BUt it does help to strengthen a man's resolve. I was able to take care of myself before this woman, and I'll be damned if can't still take care of myself. Kids just make that job more important.

Again, thank you all for all your responses and caring. Its good to know that there are others out there who have been thru it all and survived

 

edit: spoke with my brother in-law (high end attorney) and he says that in family court she wont have a leg to stand on if it comes to a custody battle. He says that any lawyer should have no problem convincing the court that her persistant unemployed state and lack of family support along with record of emails referring to her infidelity make her an unfit candidate for primary custody.

[Gunny376]

Damn!

 

Quit listening to that sh*t! What's the matter with you!

 

Its just enough to send you azz over the edge!

 

I love Jim, but now's not the time to be listening to him!

 

And, don't be listening your azz to any George Jones!

Gotttdamnit!

 

I remenber me George, an a fifth of an Elvis decanter of Jim Bean, a Fred Flintstone jelly glass in an empty apartment after the movers had come and gone!

[Ladyjane14]

I still think it's pretty cool when you hear an old song and can put a new meaning on it. Verses we've heard since childhood suddenly become more than just rhyming words. It gives us a new perspective on the artist's genius, all the while confirming for us that "there is nothing new under the sun".

 

It's less lonely and isolating when you know that others have made it through a similar experience and come through it okay.

[Gunny376]

I hear ya LJ! But damned!

 

I hear Jim's "Operator" or Geroge Jones' "The Bars Are All Closed" or his "(Hell Just Fill In Tha Blank"),.................well just give me two fifth's of anything ya got!

 

Hell it took me seventeen years before I could listen to anything by George Jones without getting drunk!

 

Its true that divorce gets easier as time goes by ~ but you're always going to have those resident brain cells that you've locked away in a "hurt locker" in the deep recesses of your brain ~ that get triggered out of nowhwere and you find yourself years from now stumbbling and fumbling into a bar or liqour strore ~ if you ever let your guard down?!

 

Bottom line? This s*** HURTS!

[Darth Vader]

Betrayed, Do you have copies of those emails? I hope so..........

[thebetrayed]

Betrayed, Do you have copies of those emails? I hope so..........

 

Of course I do.

she, I guess, doesnt realize that using a computer to communicate to him when she married a Information Systems Security professional wasnt a smart thing to do. This weekend she gets her first keylogger.

[Gunny376]

I'D drop tha' BOMB on her azz!

[Darth Vader]

Of course I do.

she, I guess, doesnt realize that using a computer to communicate to him when she married a Information Systems Security professional wasnt a smart thing to do. This weekend she gets her first keylogger.

 

 

Is she installing it, or are you? Please clarify.