Wife had an affair

[jesslindy]

Betrayed,

 

Again, I am sorry for your situation.

 

"I Love you but I am not In Love with you ", means she is emotionally/physically attached to another man. Thats the code. She will lie to you as long as this affair is going on in any capacity.

 

She still wears her ring because she wants you to hang on during her "episode" if thats what it is. You can also bet that she is probably very confused. BUT THATS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! Do not take an act of kindness, or little bits of hope she may give you, as a sign of a positive. If you committ yourself to learning anything and everything about the situation you are in, you will know what you would have to see and hear from your wife. Her only motivation to stay with you while she is cheating is so her life doesnt get flipped upside down. A cheater lives in a fantasy land. The only thing that will take her out of fantasy land is a whopping dose of reality.

 

For some people, what you have already done is enough. For others, it takes the actual reality to actually happen to them. IE.... Own place, no money, wont see the kids everyday, loneliness, and so on. She will never be lonely when someone else is tugging on her heartstrings. Even if its just e-mails. Thats all it takes.

 

READ!!! LEARN!!! GROW!!! It is your only shot at reconciliation. Anything you do or say to her (except tough love) will result in backsliding for you. Your wife has cheated and cannot tell you what she wants because that is still happening in some form or fashion. Be prepared for the worst.

 

She will never change unless she has to and wants to. She has laid the foundation for doing this to you again when she needs to for herself, if you take her back without her doing and feeling the right emotions. When you get to that point in your learning you will know what those things are, I promise. REMEMBER THAT!!! PLEASE!!!

[relaxingday]

Hi,

About three years ago my wife and I suffered a miscarriage early in the pregnancy, of course this was devastating to both of us because it took alot of planning to achieve through

visits to fertility doctors plus the time and love invested in it. After she had the DNC at the doctors request, she told me she would like to give sex a break for awhile, so over two years go by before she is able to be in the right frame of mind to have intimate relations. Being without intimate contact for a couple of years was hard but the worst of it was she became really possessive of me, she also spent alot of time with her co-workers at after work functions and bowling leagues. I began to not only feel lonely but unloved as well. I set up romantic evenings and events and she would always invite others to them. I picked her up from a work party last week and she in her drunken/high state told me she has been cheating on me for the last 18 months!

She told me she can get any man at anytime so I better LOOK OUT! I woke up the next morning and she told me

it was just the alcohol talking and that she would never betray my love for her.

[BestAdvisor1]

I picked her up from a work party last week and she in her drunken/high state told me she has been cheating on me for the last 18 months!

She told me she can get any man at anytime so I better LOOK OUT! I woke up the next morning and she told me

it was just the alcohol talking and that she would never betray my love for her.

 

Do you believe her? If it was alcohol, why would she say a specific number (18) months?

[Toolate]

Do you believe her? If it was alcohol, why would she say a specific number (18) months?

 

 

I think she could very easily come up with a number. What speaks to me is that she even told him she could get any man she wants. To me thats means she is unsure of herself and insecure. I would say she isnt cheating. But relaxing, you better get on the ball and you 2 get stuff worked out.

[Cobra_X30]

she became really possessive of me, she also spent alot of time with her co-workers at after work functions and bowling leagues. I began to not only feel lonely but unloved as well. I set up romantic evenings and events and she would always invite others to them. I picked her up from a work party last week and she in her drunken/high state told me she has been cheating on me for the last 18 months!

She told me she can get any man at anytime so I better LOOK OUT! I woke up the next morning and she told me

it was just the alcohol talking and that she would never betray my love for her.

 

Ummm.... Not to completely threadjack... you need to please cut and paste this into a new thread.

 

But IMHO... this is a very sketchy situation. I'd have a detective on her sorry but so fast your head would spin! It sounds like something is going on and your not a part of it!

[thebetrayed]

So today she calls me at work. I let it ring and go to voice mail.. she tries my other line, and I hit divert. She tried the cell again, and again I let it go. I am at work and i could do without the distraction.

about an hour later I walked outside and she called me again. this time I answered. She did a lot of talking this time. I listened. I only talked to her about the kids.. I didnt respond to anything else she was saying. She was asking alll the questions that she used to ask when things were still ok.. it was like for this conversation she had set aside all the problems we had had.

I amazed myself. I tried to sound and behave as indifferent as I could without being an ass. I hanen't told her I love her in 2 days. Ihave tried to give her no real encouragement one way or another. I did let her know, however, that i already had plans to take care of myself. A new place to stay, etc. She said she was worried about me hurting myself (understandably so, I had attempted suicide before we met, got therapy and overcame it). she says that she was worried because the kids need a daddy. W/E. I'm showing her no emotion, and i still haven't called her.

I'm already doing things I didnt think I could do, and not hurting for the effort. I feel liberated.

Tonight she called and told me that my daughter shut my son's hand in the car door, and his finger may be broken, but its a far-out chance since he still has some mobility in it. Then she brought up the fact that I'm not staying in our house. She has no where to go and she still has the kids with her. I cant leave my kids homeless, and despite the crap thier mother is putting us through she is a good mother. I told her that she can use the apartment. Whether this is a good thing r not I dont know..

 

also in re reading all the responses I think I may have given the wrong impression. Joe lives completely across the country. She can't in all practicality go see him. I've given her just enough money for food for the rug-rats. She couldnt afford to go 2800 or so miles in a v8 SUV, or to get a ticket of any kind. so she talks to him on the phone (I dont ask and she doesnt say anymore) we also used to play a mmo game together (my wife, joe and I) I have since this all happened seen the light of how these virtual worlds are poison to real world relationships. She, though still plays, and so does Joe (I'm assuming here).

 

Oops.. I'm going into a rant here. Thank you all for the support you have all given me. It is wonderful to be able to speak to others who have experienced this and moved through it. You all, despite your individual outcomes, are an inspiration for those of us who are still in the midst of these problems.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

also in re reading all the responses I think I may have given the wrong impression. Joe lives completely across the country. She can't in all practicality go see him. I've given her just enough money for food for the rug-rats. She couldnt afford to go 2800 or so miles in a v8 SUV, or to get a ticket of any kind. so she talks to him on the phone (I dont ask and she doesnt say anymore) we also used to play a mmo game together (my wife, joe and I) I have since this all happened seen the light of how these virtual worlds are poison to real world relationships. She, though still plays, and so does Joe (I'm assuming here).

 

It seems to me that you're the one in control of your finances. If the anser is yes, why did you let her go to see Joe, a single man, 2800 miles away from you and let her stay with him for days? Unless they are blood related, you should have known that there is always a chance that something will happened between a man and a woman staying together.

[Gunny376]

IMHO, you've got a financial obligation and responsibility to your children and the mother of your young children to provide for the basic neccessities of life.

 

Perhaps not leglally (?) but most definately a moral obligation. Its a fine line that you're going to have to call the ball on.

 

From your latest post? Its my opinion that you're handling things well. BALANCE in all things. Being there for your children and the mother of your children without being used and abused ~ without being a doormat.

 

Now that you've brought up the "S" word ~ you DO understand that 20% of those with a prior attempt eventually get the job done?! This concerns me? Death of a spouse, seperation/divorce is THE two top most stressful things a person can go through! For these reasons alone you should be in IC. If for no other reason than a pre-cautionary stance!

 

Going through what you're going through isn't for the weak-minded ~ weak-hearted. I'm as much a hard-azz as they come! But when I went through my divorce ~ it brought me to my knees! Its taken me years to get it back together.

 

Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially ~ the works!

 

And I "feel" you? In that you're doing all you can "just to hold it together!" Been there, done that, TWICE! Not to brag, but I've been where your at and back! Not a "FUN" place to be!

 

Jmargel, RossterDAR, and I are Vets. We know the score? We've been "in-country" more than once! This isn't our first rodeo, this isn't the first time we've been "thrown" off a bull?

 

Hang tough Bro~ Hang tough! Its one Hell of a ride!

 

Life is sometimes too "ridiculious" to live! Get your azz out there ~ and DO THE BEST YOU CAN ~ and in the end? That's all you can do!

[Ladyjane14]

I hope you've made an appointment with an attorney, Betrayed. Legal details vary from state to state and you can get some information from online sources like divorcenet, but... an experienced attorney, local to your area, can help you more.

 

I agree with Gunny that you need to make certain that your kids are prioritized, whether you and your wife eventually reconcile or divorce. And you're right, the kids can't go homeless.

 

This is a non-professional opinion, but it you're separating, you've got basically three options for the immediate future. One, you can put the kids in the home with you giving primary care. Two, you can put the kids in the home with you WW giving primary care. Or three, the two of you can split your time, in and out of the home, giving primary care in turns.

 

After either you or your wife get a new place, you can then set up both places for a joint custody scenario. The thing I want you to keep in mind early on in the separation is that if you two go on to a divorce scenario... is that you don't set up a precedent which leaves you as a weekend Daddy.

 

Here's a thread from MattN, who started his separation insisting on a minimum of 50% custody and was able to maintain that after his divorce.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96325/

[jmargel]

That was the best thing for you to do, to get her out of the house when she was waffling around. Good that you are not answering your phone, that you aren't going to be there when she has a little crisis. If you have family in the area, I would suggest that you and your family take the kids. Let her really know what she is losing by her behavior.

 

IMO you should go back to see your therapist only because this is a drastic event and could trigger emotions in you that might be harmful. I would also tell your wife next time she calls that she needs to keep the big picture in mind and that if she has any hope of wanting to stay married that MC or some sort of counseling is in order. In the mean time set short term goals for yourself, when you start thinking about her, try not to romanticize the past. Focus on the current situation and then try to distract yourself and your mind with other things.

 

Being put through what you have, you seem to be doing good. You have a good head on your shoulders and what is more important is that the reason why you are doing this is for resolution, not to 'win' her back. Some other posters have tried that route for that reason and it failed. There is a current situation on here in that scenario and it is not working out because of that reason.

 

It's important that you do not tolerate anymore of her bad behavior. It's going to take her awhile to 'wake up' and realize what really is going on. She's too wrapped up in this other man and only when he gets tired of her will she realize that she is on her own.

 

Start sorting out and fixing the things that you can control. The things you can't control, know that an answer and resolution to that part will come. You will be happy again in life, with or without her. Alot of us have been in your situation in one way or another. What you are going through is the toughest part, it does get easier.

[Gunny376]

That was the best thing for you to do, to get her out of the house when she was waffling around. Good that you are not answering your phone, that you aren't going to be there when she has a little crisis. If you have family in the area, I would suggest that you and your family take the kids. Let her really know what she is losing by her behavior.

 

IMO you should go back to see your therapist only because this is a drastic event and could trigger emotions in you that might be harmful. I would also tell your wife next time she calls that she needs to keep the big picture in mind and that if she has any hope of wanting to stay married that MC or some sort of counseling is in order. In the mean time set short term goals for yourself, when you start thinking about her, try not to romanticize the past. Focus on the current situation and then try to distract yourself and your mind with other things.

 

Being put through what you have, you seem to be doing good. You have a good head on your shoulders and what is more important is that the reason why you are doing this is for resolution, not to 'win' her back. Some other posters have tried that route for that reason and it failed. There is a current situation on here in that scenario and it is not working out because of that reason.

 

It's important that you do not tolerate anymore of her bad behavior. It's going to take her awhile to 'wake up' and realize what really is going on. She's too wrapped up in this other man and only when he gets tired of her will she realize that she is on her own.

 

Start sorting out and fixing the things that you can control. The things you can't control, know that an answer and resolution to that part will come. You will be happy again in life, with or without her. Alot of us have been in your situation in one way or another. What you are going through is the toughest part, it does get easier.

 

ALL day strong advice!

[reboot]

also in re reading all the responses I think I may have given the wrong impression. Joe lives completely across the country. She can't in all practicality go see him. I've given her just enough money for food for the rug-rats. She couldnt afford to go 2800 or so miles in a v8 SUV, or to get a ticket of any kind. so she talks to him on the phone (I dont ask and she doesnt say anymore) we also used to play a mmo game together (my wife, joe and I) I have since this all happened seen the light of how these virtual worlds are poison to real world relationships. She, though still plays, and so does Joe (I'm assuming here).

Sorry, but that dog won't hunt. Pardon me for being blunt, but they don't have to be actually screwing for her to be cheating. If she's giving him intimacy that belongs to you, her husband, either on the phone, in email, IM, text messages, online games, whatever, that's still cheating on you, her marriage, and her children.

 

Either no contact with him again, ever, or it's over.

[reboot]

By the way, you mentioned what a good mother she is. I'd like to point out the obvious: good mothers don't rip their families apart.

[thebetrayed]

...

Either no contact with him again, ever, or it's over.

 

Reboot, while this may be sound advice, an ultimatum will make this into an unworkable situation. I regretted making my last request of her an ultimatum. it made it easy for her to turn away. I'm not trying to be an overbearing ass. I (before I ever found this site) told her how disappointed and betrayed I felt. and we went thru the whole thing. I found this site and wish I had much earlier. But what is done is done. I have to keep some hope of a reconciliation, but prepare for the worst. At the absolute minimum I have to keep her agreeable when it gets to the point of discussing what will happen to my kids. I'm trying to protect myself here. If i get her to hate me now it will be harder when the kids are involved. Yes I have made an appt w/ a lawyer. I'm tyring to protect myself here. anyways.. just read that and had to respond.

[reboot]

If reconciliation is not the prime motivation then that's fine. So long as you realize that as long as there's someone else in the picture your marriage has little chance, then the path you've taken is perfectly acceptable. I applaud what you've done so far.

 

And by the way, I do realize it's real easy for me to give advice that can be very hard to follow when your heart is breaking. We all have to make our journey the best way we can. Remember you asked for advice, but you're not always going to like everything you're told. Also, keep in mind you don't have to defend yourself for picking and choosing which parts of this advice works best for you.

[Darth Vader]

Since Gunny didn't say it, I will! Hooorah! For kicking her her out!!!!!! Ok, that's starting to MAN UP!!!! Personally I'd just drop her!

[Gunny376]

Reboot, while this may be sound advice, an ultimatum will make this into an unworkable situation. I regretted making my last request of her an ultimatum. it made it easy for her to turn away. I'm not trying to be an overbearing ass. I (before I ever found this site) told her how disappointed and betrayed I felt. and we went thru the whole thing. I found this site and wish I had much earlier. But what is done is done. I have to keep some hope of a reconciliation, but prepare for the worst. At the absolute minimum I have to keep her agreeable when it gets to the point of discussing what will happen to my kids. I'm trying to protect myself here. If i get her to hate me now it will be harder when the kids are involved. Yes I have made an appt w/ a lawyer. I'm tyring to protect myself here. anyways.. just read that and had to respond.

 

Where did you get the idea that as the Father to your children you don't have rights?

 

Where did you get the idea that she's the one that calls the shots when it comes to your children, your seeing your children, visiting with your children, having a say in what's what and what's not when it comes to the children?

 

She gave birth to them! That doesn't mean she and she alone has sole and exculsive say over their lives. Your thier Father ~ parenting doesn't end at conception for men you know!

[Darth Vader]

I got to thinking about your first post, you mentioned something about her cheating to her before she went and had sex with this scumbag OM. My point is she knew before that she was gonna go bang the OM before she went and did it, she did it out of revenge IMO! It shows she didn't/doesn't care about your feelings! Like I said before, Drop her pathetic !!!!!!

[Darth Vader]

I know you're trying to be amicable, that's all well and good. Don't expect her to be! She can, and will do anything and everything to screw you over to get custody of those kids! She'll do 180's on you so fast you won't know what hit you, even when you think you two have made an agreement! Just so you know, you've been forwarned!

[thebetrayed]

I can't help but feel she's F---ing with me. There is a part of me that wants to believe everything she is saying, but there is a bigger part screaming at me wondering why I am believing her about ANYTHING.

I had to stop by to pick up the rest of my clothes and toiletries yesterday evening. I had been putting it off but I was beginning to look like a bum. My kids were home and they just about knocked me over they were so excited to see me. I Gave them loves and then plodded with them attached to my legs through the apartment to get the rest of my things.

When time came to go (very shortly after I grabbed my things) I gave the kids more loves hugs and squeezes, and told them that I'll see them again tomorrow (I'm keeping them for 2 days starting today) my daughter (6) started crying, and asking me how long I'm going to be spending the night at Mema's (my mother) house. I could only tell her that I don't know. my son (3) wouldnt let me to the door, and when I got near he held me by both my legs. They miss me soo much, and I have made a point to see them every day.. It was all I could do to not cry, and ask my WW how she could do this to our kids.

Finally I got the door open and my WW had to hold my so so that he wouldnt stubbornly follow me out to the car. I confirmed today's plans with the kids and started to leave. She asked me to hang on for a sec, and I did. She handed me a card, and told me to read it when I got back to my mom's.

 

the contents of the card are as follows:

"First of all I want to start off by saying I am sorry. I know I havent said that after everything that has gone on and I know I owe you at least that. I'm just stubborn sometimes. Ok. Ok. not just sometimes, I know.

Thank you for giving me space. Although I was upset at first, it is what I needed and is helping me think much clearer.

 

At this point, I don't know what you are feeling or what you want but I would like to ask that we hold off on filing for seperation or divorce. If you feel like you need to, I understand. But if you are willing to give me some more time first, I would prefer that. I do love you, and I am sorry I didn't say it when I should have.

Love,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

 

This letter is what specifically I was talking about when I said I cant help but think she is F---ing with me.

I get the feeling that she knows she wants to reconcile, but that she needs to hold on to the OM as long as possible.

WTH do I do? Between my kids and this letter my heart is in tatters. I'm keeping up the emotional glacier facade towards her, but inside it feels like my resolve is weakening. I had my first stiff drink since the bomb was dropped last week. I had to stop myself.. I can see how alcoholics are born..

I know that i can't invest too much hope in her, she's too unsure about us for me to make that kind of investment, because if she decides that reconciliation is not what she wants. I'll have to deal with all the extra hurt that invested emotions will cause.

I talked a little to my daughter while I was there and asked her the general "i'm interested in your life" questions, and she said that when they went to visit thier aunt (when I ejected my WW from the house) that her Auntie was soo happy to see them that she cried and cried and cried.. I know the real score there, but its ok for my daughter to think thats the reason.

It gives me a little guilty pleasure to hear that and hear her say that she cant talk to her mom anymore since she told her what happened. Her mom argued and fought with her and blamed her (IMHO rightfully) for our marriage getting to the point it is at. Both of her aunts (whom she is very close to) have told her basically the same thing.

Sounds like she's getting it from all sides.. I havent said a single word to her about our marriage, relationship or anything of that nature since i booted her. Let her stew in it. See if the OM is willing to hang on to someone with that kind of baggage, and know that he will never be accepted by her family.

I know that if her family had hated me when we first were dating I couldnt have dealt with it. I would have had to say Sayonara.

I keep hope alive, but am learning not to rely on it. No matter that the outcome is I have to better myself. IF we do reconcile I need to be a better more attentive husband, and if we dont I need to learn how to keep this from happening with whoever i would end up with later.

 

"Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat." -Cicero 45B.C.

"But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains."

[bish]

IMHO, you've got a financial obligation and responsibility to your children and the mother of your young children to provide for the basic neccessities of life.

 

No, he has an obligation to provide for the basic necessities of life for his children....not her. She can just go out and provide for herself.

[whichwayisup]

When time came to go (very shortly after I grabbed my things) I gave the kids more loves hugs and squeezes, and told them that I'll see them again tomorrow (I'm keeping them for 2 days starting today) my daughter (6) started crying, and asking me how long I'm going to be spending the night at Mema's (my mother) house. I could only tell her that I don't know. my son (3) wouldnt let me to the door, and when I got near he held me by both my legs. They miss me soo much, and I have made a point to see them every day.. It was all I could do to not cry, and ask my WW how she could do this to our kids.

Finally I got the door open and my WW had to hold my so so that he wouldnt stubbornly follow me out to the car.

 

Reading this just made me well up in tears, my heart hurts your children! What an AWFUL situation your (selfish) wife has created. It literally is making me sick that she is putting herself first above her own children. WTF. I wish that you had your children, not her. She was the one who cheated, put her love and energy elsewhere and not fully into you and your children.

 

It was all I could do to not cry, and ask my WW how she could do this to our kids.

 

Next time, TELL HER EXACTLY THIS. It's time SHE starts to feel the suffering, the pain and consquences of her stupid and selfish choices.

[Gunny376]

Counselling is not an option for her. She is of the school of thought that only crazy people incapable of deciding anything for themselves go to counselors. I'm trying to let her take her time. but I dont know how much longer I can last. What could possibly make this a hard decision for her?

 

Its just this plain and simple! Either go NC with the OM, or no deal. Either your in this marriage with me or your not. In for a penny ~ in for a pound.

 

The only thing she needs "time" for is to decide between you and the OM, between the marriage and the OM. Sounds like the OM isn't fully on board for taken on her and a ready made family?!

[whichwayisup]

Counselling is not an option for her. She is of the school of thought that only crazy people incapable of deciding anything for themselves go to counselors

 

Your wife IS abit crazy actually, I mean, what she is and has been doing to you and her own children IS crazy to begin with. She made some bad choices that has hurt ALL of you and I hope she changes her mind about therapy. She's wussing out because she is terrified of actually changing and doing all the hard work to make things right and better again.

 

Gunny is right 100% again too.

[Gunny376]

No, he has an obligation to provide for the basic necessities of life for his children....not her. She can just go out and provide for herself.

 

Depends upon where he lives? In so long as they're married, without a legal seperation agreement he has a moral and perhaps legal obligation to support her and the children.

 

Generally where the Mother goes ~ the chldren go? It wouldn't look so good to waltz into "D" court with the STBXW and children living in a homeless shelter or living out of her car ~ now would it!

 

Its a fine line ~ a razor's head between meeting your financical and moral obligations to your children and the Mother of your children and being a sap?