Allison85 Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 When I was 16 I hung out with a group of guys, one of whom I had a really big crush on. He played in a band, was really cute, blah blah blah. One night we were all at his house just hanging out and having a few drinks, a night that turned out to be one of the cutest nights I can remember. One of those nights where you lay awake all night talking, the ones where you are just staring into eachother's eyes, him brushing the hair out of my face, kisses on the forehead, all the nice things us as girls love. We were both pretty drunk but at no time did he try anything. I thought we really hit it off. When I woke up in the morning and went to get a drink I was standing outside his door about to go back in when my friend asked if I thought it was a good idea to go back into his room. Me being 16 and not really knowing what to think I thought it might be awkward, him being 5 years older than me I kind of figured that he might be upset that we didnt have sex and now both sober the situation might in fact, be awkward; so my friend and I left. I never saw him again or talked to him for that matter and because of that I always assumed that he was upset with me and that I had made the right choice... but I never forgot about him. Here I am almost 7 years later and I get a e-mail from him asking me how I have been. I almost had a heart attack when I realized who it was. After some small talk and catching up he finally sends me a message that says: 'and i always thought that you hated me or something because you never ever talked to me again, just to let you know i really did want to see you again, and i never forgot about you! but thats then and this is now i guess. after that night you came over, for the longest time after that i couldn't stop thinkin about you.i don't know what ever happened.thats cute thatyou had a crush on me cause i too had a crush on you!awwwww isn't that sweet? lol!!!' We decided to hang out and go out for coffee and then we went back to his place and just talked about old times. About how weird it was that after 7 years the feelings just came rushing back to both of us, and how many times our friends had to hear 'Do you think ___ will be out tongiht?' lol After a long silence or two he turned to me and grabbed my hand and asked me if he could kiss me. I had to say no. He has been in a relationship with someone for about 5 years haha! I was good, and at that time I said, I think that I should probably go. It broke my heart to do so but it had to be done. On my way out the door we hugged and it was the longest hug I ever had with neither of us really wanting to let go. He smelled the same and I missed his hugs so badly! I looked at him and I asked him 'You obviously care about her otherwise you wouldn't be here'. and he answers with 'I love her, but I am not in love with her'. To wich I reply 'Is it me? or is it just that I am a girl that's not her?' and he grabbed my hand and looked me right in the eye and said, 'You know I would never cheat on her, It's you, it's always been you. I like you and I always have.' At this point I had tears in my eyes and said goodbye. I know I did the right thing but I can not stop thinking about him it's just like we said, nothing has changed, were still crazy about eachother, and yet he is with her. I refuse to be the other girl, no good can come of it... I am just setting myself up to get hurt. I care about him just as much as I did 7 years ago and he claims the same, but I don't want to do that to this girl, although I don't know her and she bears a striking resembalance to me (wich is a little weird lol) I just don't know what to do, I am not thinking about waiting around because that could turn out to be a huge waste of my time, but at the same time what is the meaning of us reconecting after 7 years at when he is not happy in his relationship, is it just a coincidence? or something more? I need some outside advice!!! Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
starlite Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Well, I am really glad you didnt let it progress because it sounds like he was ready to take whatever you would have given him. And it would be so unfair to do that to his girlfriend. If he isnt in love with her, he should break up with her. Also, I know reconnecting is special, but nowadays it doesnt take much...you have myspace or something and there is all your old ex's, hook ups etc at the click of a button, which i bet is how he found you. My advice. Tell him it was really nice talking to him again and that if him and his girlfriend break up you would love to get together. But right now, being friends or email buddies is out of the question and it says a lot about your character that you had the smarts to walk away... And a lot about his character that although he has been in a commited relationship for 5 years is still seeking out old flings Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Well, I am really glad you didnt let it progress because it sounds like he was ready to take whatever you would have given him. And it would be so unfair to do that to his girlfriend. If he isnt in love with her, he should break up with her. Also, I know reconnecting is special, but nowadays it doesnt take much...you have myspace or something and there is all your old ex's, hook ups etc at the click of a button, which i bet is how he found you. My advice. Tell him it was really nice talking to him again and that if him and his girlfriend break up you would love to get together. But right now, being friends or email buddies is out of the question and it says a lot about your character that you had the smarts to walk away... And a lot about his character that although he has been in a commited relationship for 5 years is still seeking out old flings Perfect way to go about it. Band-aid solutions for rough times... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison85 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 I know that is the right thing to do but at the same time it's really hard. I know I am sounding a bit nieve when I am sticking up for him but in all fairness it was through myspace and I actually have recently connected with all of our old mutual friends and have been talking to them a lot. Upon seeing his profile I didn't add him because I thought he was mad at me for whatever reason. I don't think he sought me out purposely as much as he came across me. I told him how I felt and how it wasn't right and he agreed and appologized, it still doesn't make it right at all I know. Had I been the weaker person I wanted to be things could be a lot different. I just don't agree at all with cheating or being a cheatee. At the same time the irresponsible selfish person inside me is screaming it's not fair! lol I don't know what to think, he knows he has to leave her and so do I but I am not going to be the girl that waits and waits and waits to find him with her 2 or 3 years from now you know. I know he's not a cheater and that he never would but it was dangerously close. There is just so much emotion involved its so much deeper than just some guy that I say ' It's been fun catching up but have a nice life' to. There is so much history. A good friend of mine says to keep him around because she knows how much I have talked about him the past years and after everything he said and all we talked about. Sigh!!! Like 90% of me knows you two are right but the other 10% just can't let go Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 First and foremost, I just want to tell you how much I admire you. It's so rare to see people actually looking past their OWN noses and realizing that everything we do DOES affect other people whether we like it or not. You were being respectful of his situation (even though he certainly wasn't) and I really admire that. The one thing I don't agree with was his statement, "you know I'd never cheat on her," yet 3 minutes before, he'd been asking if he could kiss you. I'd also guarantee that his girlfriend did not know you were back in touch with him, she did not know that you'd met him for coffee, she did not know that you'd been at his place, she did not know that he held your hand and asked for a kiss, and she did not know that he thoroughly disrespected her and reduced her to a non-entity with his statement, "I love her - but I'm not IN love with her." That is such standard married man (or boyfriend) 'speak' that it's laughable. Everything he DID with you today was cheating. Just because he didn't have sex with you (and trust me, the only reason it DIDN'T happen was because YOU put a stop to all things physical) doesn't mean he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend. I know darned well if my boyfriend was going behind my back and wooing someone from the 'old days,' meeting her for coffee then bringing her back to his place and trying to kiss her, I'd DEFINITELY consider that a betrayal. And if he told that person that he loves me but isn't IN love with me, I'd consider that a horrible betrayal as well. And I'm sure his girlfriend would feel the same way. Any woman would. All I'm trying to say is that you need to take off the rose-colored glass and really see this guy for what he IS - not what you WANT him to be. What he did with you was sneaky and totally disrespectful to his girlfriend, no matter how you sugarcoat it. Your statement, "I know he's not a cheater," is a very dangerous one. This guy was only as honest as his OPTIONS with you that day. Don't give him too much credit for being a Saint, because he's NOT. Had you asked him to have sex, he would have been all over you like a hobo on a hotdog. Just keep your eyes open, Allison. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Had you asked him to have sex, he would have been all over you like a hobo on a hotdog. Just keep your eyes open, Allison. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. I couldn't have said it better. That is not the make up of a stand up quality guy, even if he become single soon, those aren't good signs, and yes-he is a cheater because he totally would have cheated if you were game for being his side girl. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 And, for your sake, if he comes back some time soon and tells you he broke up with his gf, do not immediately believe that he broke up with her. You wouldn't be the first who fell for THAT line, only to find out he's still seeing his gf and they never broke up and he never even brought up the subject with her and is now cheating on her with you...lying to you both. And if he somehow does provide you with proof of the break-up, give it some time before you start seeing him. You don't want to be the rebound, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison85 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 So yeah... you guys were right, sorry I ever doubted any of you and thanks for the advice. Def was just looking for the ***k that didn't happen back then. hahah I'm dumb, shoulda saw that coming. Ahhh well live and learn hah Thanks again guys Link to post Share on other sites
mustard99 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 I have been in a similar situation with a guy at work who I have always thought of as a stand up guy who doesn't cheat on his girlfriend of 3 years. However he kisses me when he is drunk, tells me if he wasn't with her etc etc. Now I realise that it is my moral compass that has stopped anything from happening. I had recently been wavering, but reading your post - I so admired you. And I'd rather be the girl like you who says no, than the girl who gives out at the expense of another. I go to sleep tonight a lighter person for reading your post and the fab replies. Thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison85 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 I so admired you. And I'd rather be the girl like you who says no, than the girl who gives out at the expense of another. I go to sleep tonight a lighter person for reading your post and the fab replies. Thank you all. You have just made my night I am so glad that someone has benefitted from this. He'll never leave her, they just say that. I've been here before and I ended up heart broken. To go through it again is just stupid on my part. Although I have a lot of feelings for this guy I kind of figure that it has something to do with that sense of wonder... that 'what if' factor. It is comforting to know that I am not the only girl out there that respects another girls property, GOOD FOR YOU!! And besides... theres plenty of good ones out there right Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
britchick Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 "like a hobo on a hotdog" I love that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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