what to expect after you confess?

[upto_here]

its been 8 weeks since the A ended and nc with exom and had told my H about the A...i don't expect it to be a bed of roses...because i do admit my mistake and willing to put the effort on the M ..i knew he will have the mix feeling and i did talk to him and be open and honest with him as much as i can...i don't know if its was me who's really selfish here or not understanding his feeling and emotion ...i say thats the m is better but at some point i feel like its waiting for the burst...when i did something wrong or even there is a song or movies that associated with the A he is so unreasonable and to be honest i don't know how to handle it...and so on before our bedroom story is never good but now he is wanted it everyday and everywhere... sometime i thought i don't know if i can take it...i did talk to him he seem to listen but in the end he get angry with me and bring up all the A again...please help me what should i do? i really want our M to work...

[smartgirl]

I will recommend you start with some reading. I have read these things over and over and they have helped throughout the recovery process.

 

1. After the Affair by Janet Abrahms Spring. Best thing ever. Describes difference in how the sexes react to affairs, what happened and how to work with each other to recover.

 

2. MarriageBuilders.com. Good basic articles on the phases of affairs and recovery. quick read.

 

3. Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray. Excellent for learning to see each other's perspective, understanding how each approaches sex and what it means to a man vs. a woman. I've been married over 30 years and I learned a lot from it.

 

Then you should really look at some MC. We've been going for a year and are very close to being ready to stop. But it can really help guide you through difficult conversations.

 

Good luck.

[Cobra_X30]

Do you understand why he gets upset all the time? Don't you know why he wants it all the time? I'm really sorry but if you cant understand that, I dont think you should try to make the marriage work.

 

If I remember correctly the only reason your even still with your H is because the guy you were cheating with wouldnt take you.

 

So if you arent wanting to really make a go of it with your backup guy... pack it in and go!

[silktricks]

You don't say you love him. You imply that you don't want sex with him and you seem to expect everything to be just hunky dory after a lousy 8 weeks after D-Day.

 

To say the least your expectations are unreasonable. Why don't you just leave him and let him find someone who will love him and treat him well. It doesn't sound like you want to.

[JustBreathe]

What to expect?

 

Expect your marriage to be forever altered. Expect years, not weeks or months, of sorrow and regret on both your parts. If you love each other, you might be able to save it and start fresh and treat each other better from now on. I have read stories like these and believe it can happen.

 

Your husband is angry, justifiably, but has no right to treat you like a piece of meat. He cannot take his anger out on you physically and his using you sexually is physical abuse.

 

Is he abusive in other ways as well? Or do you think it is anger having SOLELY to do with your infidelity? If he is abusive, then screwing around on him is not the answer. You need to leave him.

 

Also.. a good website to visit is survivinginfidelity.com - they have a special section for the spouse who cheated.

[Bryanp]

How do you think you would be acting and feeling if the roles had been reversed and you were severly betrayed by the one person you counted on in your life?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think the pain goes away in time, but you gotta help him heal that means total transparency, no sneaky behaviors, no non friends threatening the marriage. That means falling in line and doing whatever it takes. You say your commited. And that means talk with your actions!!!

 

Words are meaningless.

 

All men are different some men dump they're wives, some have revenge affairs, some do the unthinkable and start abusing them, in aoms e sick form of payback. And some men after alot of time and reassurance, work through it, certain that their wives wont be total sluts again.

 

I know if I was ever married I'd lean towards dumping the woman, if we didnt have kids and my humiliation. It truly depends, An emotional affair, I can probably get through it but a physical and emotional one.

 

My wife better never come home again...

[upto_here]

I will recommend you start with some reading. I have read these things over and over and they have helped throughout the recovery process.

 

1. After the Affair by Janet Abrahms Spring. Best thing ever. Describes difference in how the sexes react to affairs, what happened and how to work with each other to recover.

 

2. MarriageBuilders.com. Good basic articles on the phases of affairs and recovery. quick read.

 

3. Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray. Excellent for learning to see each other's perspective, understanding how each approaches sex and what it means to a man vs. a woman. I've been married over 30 years and I learned a lot from it.

 

Then you should really look at some MC. We've been going for a year and are very close to being ready to stop. But it can really help guide you through difficult conversations.

 

Good luck.

Thank you smart girl.... i will look in to it ..as it may help in many ways...

[upto_here]

Do you understand why he gets upset all the time? Don't you know why he wants it all the time? I'm really sorry but if you cant understand that, I dont think you should try to make the marriage work.

 

If I remember correctly the only reason your even still with your H is because the guy you were cheating with wouldnt take you.

 

So if you arent wanting to really make a go of it with your backup guy... pack it in and go!

 

 

i can understand why he's getting upset yes...!!! but what i don;'t understand that he wanted it all the time ....i did not wanted to go in to detail much or telling you that i am an innocent party...i admit it i am wrong..to have an A ...not because the exmm doesn't take me ..me and him never said we will be together ...and i know one day it will end ...and it is..yes i am still sufferring from that who would't ? and i did not take it out on my H or in the M ...believe me i really want our M to work....i think hard now...i realise what i done ..if its just the A it may go away easlily but its not just that is it? but no i won't bring that subject on again...i am making every effort god knows ...i gave up my job to be with him ,i moved miles away to have fresh start with my family...i did things i never done in the entire M.... you may say its not enough after i put him tru ..i know COBRA....and i don't blame you if you guys start to have a go of me of how i been a b*tch........ every things i can take but the sexual side that i find it hard ,,,its before the A began but i try to put it aside cause its theW duty...can you tell me if its were you ..you just serving your kids dinner and then the H came to you and said to you go for a quick one for 5 minute? or he get angry when idid not response?and when the kids disturbed he get angry? i did talk to him...but he said don't denial him s*x and everything will be find...apart from that he's a good man...my M is not 100% perfect yes...but i wanted to have another try...please don't just take it out on me...

[upto_here]

You don't say you love him. You imply that you don't want sex with him and you seem to expect everything to be just hunky dory after a lousy 8 weeks after D-Day.

 

To say the least your expectations are unreasonable. Why don't you just leave him and let him find someone who will love him and treat him well. It doesn't sound like you want to.

 

NO ,i didn't mention i loved him......its not the love things from the started...the foundation its not just loved loved ..if i'm not confusing you...i did love him in one way i still am...but to be honest i can't tell you that i really love him ,make any sense? i did not say i don't want it with him...i am and i wanted it to be special not force or the routine duty...,,,i don't expected it to be hunky dory...at all. as i prepare for everthing...that it handed to me...what more can i can said that i wanted our M to work....!!!

[upto_here]

What to expect?

 

 

Is he abusive in other ways as well? Or do you think it is anger having SOLELY to do with your infidelity? If he is abusive, then screwing around on him is not the answer. You need to leave him.

 

verbal abusive ..yes but that had changed after the A as i have been honest with him in many ways ..i talked to him how i felt and been tru all in our M period..he had promise me he will change for example ..the gambling...he stop completly..and i am so proud of him and i hope he keep it that way.. he used to disrespect me infront of his friends...thats is also change..but yes the main thing that i felt trapped is about the sexual side ,i did have discuss with him but i can not deny him s*x because i felt so guilty after the A ...which mean that i have to go along whether i like it or not...and i don't know what to do...

 

Overall.. i don't deny i'm wrong ..after i put him tru...i did put myself in his shoes and think...i don't think i can take it either...but after the two people decided to make a go of the M one more time you will try everyway to make it work....and i have to be patient..i know action speaks lounder than words...but i did speak and action at the same time but i also felt like whatever i done its not enough...

[Ladyjane14]

Your husband is angry, justifiably, but has no right to treat you like a piece of meat. He cannot take his anger out on you physically and his using you sexually is physical abuse.

 

I disagree that a betrayed husband's desire for sex during the reconciliation phase can be termed "abuse". It's common for a couple to go through a hysterical bonding period in response to an infidelity.

 

It would certainly be abuse if he was forcing himself on her. But if he's not... she's got a mouth. She can always say 'no'.

[lovelorcet]

I disagree that a betrayed husband's desire for sex during the reconciliation phase can be termed "abuse". It's common for a couple to go through a hysterical bonding period in response to an infidelity.

 

It would certainly be abuse if he was forcing himself on her. But if he's not... she's got a mouth. She can always say 'no'.

 

I agree... Been there... Done that...

 

 

I don't want to be rude but I don't get the feeling that the OP really understands just how much damage cheating does to the other person.

 

It took me about 2 years to calm down after my ex cheated... and about 4 years for me to feel like I had gotten over most of the A. (you never totally get over all of it)

 

I actually think this is a pretty normal timeline (give or take a year) and we (my ex and I) really had to work at it.

 

But in the end she was the one who could not live with what she had done. She could not look in the mirror anymore. I never held the A over her head but she truly realized how awful she had hurt me and what it took form me to forgive her.

 

By looking at me she saw the awful person she had become.

[cj1988]

I am sorry but you have no idea obviously what it feels like to be cheated on.....you are still being selfish and you need to leave him. If you are not sexually attractd to him it is over and I am a female. Sex is very important in a relationship, it is the most intimate form of love and bonding for a couple and if you dread it, GET OUT NOW. Let him find someone that does love and want to be with him.....

[Cobra_X30]

i can understand why he's getting upset yes...!!! but what i don;'t understand that he wanted it all the time ....i did not wanted to go in to detail much or telling you that i am an innocent party...i admit it i am wrong..to have an A ...not because the exmm doesn't take me ..me and him never said we will be together ...and i know one day it will end ...and it is..yes i am still sufferring from that who would't ? and i did not take it out on my H or in the M ...believe me i really want our M to work....i think hard now...i realise what i done ..if its just the A it may go away easlily but its not just that is it? but no i won't bring that subject on again...i am making every effort god knows ...i gave up my job to be with him ,i moved miles away to have fresh start with my family...i did things i never done in the entire M.... you may say its not enough after i put him tru ..i know COBRA....and i don't blame you if you guys start to have a go of me of how i been a b*tch........ every things i can take but the sexual side that i find it hard ,,,its before the A began but i try to put it aside cause its theW duty...can you tell me if its were you ..you just serving your kids dinner and then the H came to you and said to you go for a quick one for 5 minute? or he get angry when idid not response?and when the kids disturbed he get angry? i did talk to him...but he said don't denial him s*x and everything will be find...apart from that he's a good man...my M is not 100% perfect yes...but i wanted to have another try...please don't just take it out on me...

 

Really? I thought it would be painfully obvious why his libido is in overdrive?

 

It has two components to it. The first is that he feels like he is competing with your OM. When you act unexcited or uninterested in him it just makes him feel like he is losing that competition and drives him to fight harder. Secondly, He feels very emasculated and he is trying very hard to correct that situation. He feels like he is less of a man than the other guy. Does that make any sense?

 

Here is the problem as I see it. Your marriage wasnt working great before the affiar... you were obviously unhappy. Now it's over and your in the same crappy marriage, except now you have to do more because you feel guilty. Let's be honest here. Those things that made you go looking for another man... are they still in the marriage or has your Husband changed his ways? Is he filling all of your needs now, or are you just putting up with it out of guilt?

 

Please dont feel like I am jumping on you or shouting or angry for some reason. I dont think your a bad person... I think you were in a bad situation and made a big mistake.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Really? I thought it would be painfully obvious why his libido is in overdrive?

 

It has two components to it. The first is that he feels like he is competing with your OM. When you act unexcited or uninterested in him it just makes him feel like he is losing that competition and drives him to fight harder. Secondly, He feels very emasculated and he is trying very hard to correct that situation. He feels like he is less of a man than the other guy. Does that make any sense?

 

Here is the problem as I see it. Your marriage wasnt working great before the affiar... you were obviously unhappy. Now it's over and your in the same crappy marriage, except now you have to do more because you feel guilty. Let's be honest here. Those things that made you go looking for another man... are they still in the marriage or has your Husband changed his ways? Is he filling all of your needs now, or are you just putting up with it out of guilt?

 

Please dont feel like I am jumping on you or shouting or angry for some reason. I dont think your a bad person... I think you were in a bad situation and made a big mistake.

 

There is no mistake, cheating is a choice!!

 

Never forget that.

 

She's the one who's having the issues. She's the one who messed up, he cant fix the marriage by himself and vice versa. He's going through so freaking much right now!!!

 

Give him time...

 

It's called the emotional rollercoaster get ready for the ride of your life. If your dedicated to making the marriage work then go through it.

 

He's already put up with your BS , why cant he vent a little and you take the heat?

 

He's the victim not you...

[Cobra_X30]

There is no mistake, cheating is a choice!!

 

Never forget that.

 

She's the one who's having the issues. She's the one who messed up, he cant fix the marriage by himself and vice versa. He's going through so freaking much right now!!!

 

Give him time...

 

It's called the emotional rollercoaster get ready for the ride of your life. If your dedicated to making the marriage work then go through it.

 

He's already put up with your BS , why cant he vent a little and you take the heat?

 

He's the victim not you...

 

Mistakes are Choices... just bad ones, so I'm not sure what your point is there.

 

So, are you assuming she decided to cheat for the fun of it? Just woke up one day and said... boy an affiar sounds really fun today. Does she sound like a sociopath to you???

 

Don't be naive, she chose a bad way to deal with a bad situation. If you never address the original problem with the M, then nobody is going to wind up happy in the end!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Mistakes are Choices... just bad ones, so I'm not sure what your point is there.

 

So, are you assuming she decided to cheat for the fun of it? Just woke up one day and said... boy an affiar sounds really fun today. Does she sound like a sociopath to you???

 

Don't be naive, she chose a bad way to deal with a bad situation. If you never address the original problem with the M, then nobody is going to wind up happy in the end!

 

I understand the idea of fixing the original problem of the marriage pre affair but you only compound problems by creating an affair.

 

And there is a difference between a mistake and a choice. a bad choice is a bad choice. So says the dictonary.

 

Before we all go to bed with someone we make a conscious choice to drop our drawers, She could have walked away but when people make the choice to cheat they know exactly what they're doing, no one's putting a gun to their head forcing them to slip and fall on D***.

 

Now I commend her for ending the affair, but she cant actually think she can sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, it did. Go to counceling and work through it, be about your word.

[Cobra_X30]

I believe a mistake is make an error, and this can be conscious or unconscious. In this situation it is a conscious error in judgement. So we are essentially talking about the same thing with different words.

 

I agree that the problems are now compounded. In fact I really dont think there can be happiness in her marriage moving forward.

[cj1988]

I agree, has your husband changed his ways, does not sound like it. He is the same man you felt the need to cheat on for some reason or another. Think about what YOU really want, the marriage or him....2 different things, but could be one if you want it to be.

[bish]

its been 8 weeks since the A ended and nc with exom and had told my H about the A...i don't expect it to be a bed of roses...because i do admit my mistake and willing to put the effort on the M ..i knew he will have the mix feeling and i did talk to him and be open and honest with him as much as i can...i don't know if its was me who's really selfish here or not understanding his feeling and emotion ...i say thats the m is better but at some point i feel like its waiting for the burst...when i did something wrong or even there is a song or movies that associated with the A he is so unreasonable and to be honest i don't know how to handle it

 

You can't handle him getting mad once in a while when something reminds him of what you did? Try living with what you did weighing on his mind. You have basically sentenced him to a life of having to relive what you did to him once in a while.

 

 

...and so on before our bedroom story is never good but now he is wanted it everyday and everywhere... sometime i thought i don't know if i can take it

 

But you could take it with the OM, right? he wants to do it all the time because if sex is non-existent, then he will feel like you are still getting your boots knocked by another guy.

 

Or is it that you don't want to have sex with him?

 

...i did talk to him he seem to listen but in the end he get angry with me and bring up all the A again...please help me what should i do? i really want our M to work...

 

8 weeks is definitely not enough time for him to get back to some sort of normalcy. You may have to wait more than a year or two. If you are not willing to do that, then just end the marriage....because after only 8 weeks, his anger is still understandably justified.

 

You screwed another man...you have to be willing to accept the consequences of what you did for some time to come IF you want to make the marriage work. He has to work through his anger, but it will take time.....LOTS of time.

 

And you have to show him that you want him....and if you are stressing that he wants sex alot, he will get the impression that you do not want him...and really, it doesn't sound like you do.

 

Cheaters have to go through a rough time to make the R work. If they are not willing to do that, then that just proves them even more selfish than the act of betraying their SO's in the first place.

 

If a cheater doesn't want to pay for their actions...then they need to leave their victims alone and go find someone else so that they are not their SO's problem any longer.

[bish]

What to expect?

 

Expect your marriage to be forever altered. Expect years, not weeks or months, of sorrow and regret on both your parts. If you love each other, you might be able to save it and start fresh and treat each other better from now on. I have read stories like these and believe it can happen.

 

Your husband is angry, justifiably, but has no right to treat you like a piece of meat. He cannot take his anger out on you physically and his using you sexually is physical abuse.

 

 

Gee...i guess I better stop liking sex if it is considered physical abuse.

[bish]

I agree... Been there... Done that...

 

 

I don't want to be rude but I don't get the feeling that the OP really understands just how much damage cheating does to the other person.

 

Exactly. And I get so fumed when I hear a cheater say that they can't take a little heat after the devestation they caused to their so-called loved one.

[upto_here]

Thank you for all your opinion... i just wanted to set the record straight here..you are right no one put the gun in my head to have the A and also i DID NOT looking for the A either..i never did...i never meant it to happen the mistake is the mistake and i admit and lived with it..i just find it hard thats all ,to deal with the situation, yes...you may say i am selfish here but i did put 110% effort to make it work...but like you said if its in the long run it might not be the happy one....but if anything happen in the future whatever the outcome i can think that i am really make an attempt to do everything in my power to safe our M.. i know it will be a rollercoaster ride but i sometime feel really tired here...with the emotion and everything...

Did you say or try to tell me is that whatever i do it will never work after you had an A and confess?

[whichwayisup]

The reason why your husband wants to have sex with you so much is because he needs to feel some intimacy from you...Almost like he needs to reclaim you as his. So, while you're thinking of it as too physical, too sexual, and you're not up to having sex with him, he's more than likely NEEDING to feel that connection again with you. Most men equate intimacy and sex with their spouse as a way of love, and he needs to feel that from you now. I'm not saying you have to have sex with him 24/7, but you gotta understand where he is coming from right now.

 

Ofcourse you didn't go looking for an affair, but it didn't 'just' happen. A mistake was made, a bad choice...But the thing is, it wasn't just ONE time, a one night stand...It was an affair, which meant you lied and betrayed your husband. Cheating is cheating, but to continue IN the affair takes effort...Effort to live the lie, betray and fool your husband. THAT is what he's also devastated over...It isn't just about the sex you had with another man. It was a relationship with someone else other than your husband. Feelings involved, the whole deal.

 

It will take him a long time to cope with that, and deal with the pain and emotions...Be understanding. BE supportive. And, work on YOU so you can show him that you are capable of change, not only in words, but in actions as well. If you want your marriage to be better than it was before, WORK your tail off to make it happen! Those problems that led you down the path you're on now are not going to go away until you and your husband can talk about it all and sort through it. Many say it takes up to 2 years to even get the marriage back on track, maybe even longer. It also all depends on the desire to fix things, the desire to WANT to make it work.

 

Sorry, but you hurt him and betrayed him in the worst possible way, so maybe you need some one on one counselling to help you cope with that. Don't put it on him right now...