what to expect after you confess?

[upto_here]

But you could take it with the OM, right? he wants to do it all the time because if sex is non-existent, then he will feel like you are still getting your boots knocked by another guy.

 

Or is it that you don't want to have sex with him?

 

 

 

No i never say that i don't want sex with him.. i did !!at least count me as a human here..i am one of the human also or you telling me that once you cheat you will never be forgiven?bring the om on the subject.here that at the time of the A so many time i wanted to end it..i admit that for the first time i have been respect there. sex with my H is great once we AGREED to do it not by FORCE!!! its gone long before the A he did not respect me as a W but what he told me is that its a duty of the W to perform whenever the H need!!!and its not what i enjoy anymore once you been force...i did say no out lound but he still try it on so i just leave and get it over with ...or

to PLEASE HIM... i am being really honest here, i wanted the M to work i don't expect to be a lovely dolly all the time...

[upto_here]

The reason why your husband wants to have sex with you so much is because he needs to feel some intimacy from you...Almost like he needs to reclaim you as his. So, while you're thinking of it as too physical, too sexual, and you're not up to having sex with him, he's more than likely NEEDING to feel that connection again with you. Most men equate intimacy and sex with their spouse as a way of love, and he needs to feel that from you now. I'm not saying you have to have sex with him 24/7, but you gotta understand where he is coming from right now.

 

Ofcourse you didn't go looking for an affair, but it didn't 'just' happen. A mistake was made, a bad choice...But the thing is, it wasn't just ONE time, a one night stand...It was an affair, which meant you lied and betrayed your husband. Cheating is cheating, but to continue IN the affair takes effort...Effort to live the lie, betray and fool your husband. THAT is what he's also devastated over...It isn't just about the sex you had with another man. It was a relationship with someone else other than your husband. Feelings involved, the whole deal.

 

It will take him a long time to cope with that, and deal with the pain and emotions...Be understanding. BE supportive. And, work on YOU so you can show him that you are capable of change, not only in words, but in actions as well. If you want your marriage to be better than it was before, WORK your tail off to make it happen! Those problems that led you down the path you're on now are not going to go away until you and your husband can talk about it all and sort through it. Many say it takes up to 2 years to even get the marriage back on track, maybe even longer. It also all depends on the desire to fix things, the desire to WANT to make it work.

 

Sorry, but you hurt him and betrayed him in the worst possible way, so maybe you need some one on one counselling to help you cope with that. Don't put it on him right now...

 

I am agreed with you 100% here...i understand how he act it that way...now...i am really sorry for what i done..i told him so...i really am crying rig:lmao:ht now...i really feel guilty that i have to put all the parties involved ..if i can make a wish i just wish to be the only one who suffer right now...and i am so relieved that the A is over ..i just can not take the whole thing at the same time here.....but i will take all the power i had to make it work ////

[LakesideDream]

This is an amazing thread. Cheater can't take the heat.

 

As for the hyper sexuality, there is a clinical reason for it, it's called "sperm competition". Google it. In a nutshell, men in competition (with the OM counts) produce more sperm and have a physical need to plant it more often than men in stable relationships.

 

This is not a controllable conscience decision on his part.

 

Personally, I believe your "husband" is wasting his time.

[Mustang Sally]

Question: What to expect after you confess?

Answer: For the sh*t to REALLY hit the fan. Probably for a LONG TIME.

 

But you already knew that, right?

 

FWIW, I think it pretty much usually takes two to tango in about every situation.

 

Your M was bad: both people at fault one way or another.

You had an affair: you and OM both made a choice (mistake, whatever).

You ended A and told H: You were honest, he is mad. Understandably.

You are trying to move on: You have to repent and most likely do penance, he must forgive and be willing to try again. This may actually take a THIRD to tango - a counselor. If he (or you, for that matter) is NOT willing to do those things, then I think it may be over (ask me about singing fat ladies - I could tell you a story...).

 

But any way you slice it...this is going to take some MAJOR time by my estimation.

[Cobra_X30]

I am agreed with you 100% here...i understand how he act it that way...now...i am really sorry for what i done..i told him so...i really am crying rig:lmao:ht now...i really feel guilty that i have to put all the parties involved ..if i can make a wish i just wish to be the only one who suffer right now...and i am so relieved that the A is over ..i just can not take the whole thing at the same time here.....but i will take all the power i had to make it work ////

 

Ok, if you really want to make it work.... Why did you get into the affiar?

 

What were you looking for?

[upto_here]

Ok, if you really want to make it work.... Why did you get into the affiar?

 

What were you looking for?

 

i do appreciate all your opinion and thought ..i don't know what to say now...i 'm holding my hands up and raise my flag ...i DID say that i never look for the A ,,10 years in the M i never raise an eyes for any men or look for another R ...i never looking for anything either..like you said ...i never did woke up in one morning and said right today i will have an A ...its just happen...and i know its wrong i was blind at that time...and now i woke up its take times to realize your mistake...now i am fixing our M.

lets be really honest here like we say to all the kids ...that you learnt by your mistake...i can say now that i am a kid making a new start of everything...and i am learning from my mistake .......why did i had an A ? thats a good question...i don't know...i never look for one...its just happened...i can repeat that .ITS JUST HAPPENED..i know you guys will have a go at me again ...how come is happened right ? i don't know...

[upto_here]

This is an amazing thread. Cheater can't take the heat.

 

As for the hyper sexuality, there is a clinical reason for it, it's called "sperm competition". Google it. In a nutshell, men in competition (with the OM counts) produce more sperm and have a physical need to plant it more often than men in stable relationships.

 

This is not a controllable conscience decision on his part.

 

Personally, I believe your "husband" is wasting his time.

 

i think you being too harsh here but i don't blame .you..i am looking for the answer of my question ...i did read in every opinion thats post here..and learn it all..by the sound of it...all cheater should never be lived again,am i right? as its so familiar with TREATMENT thread in the OW/OM forum.but just the different circumstances.....why when men cheated on their w and realize(if they are true with themselves and the BS)what they done was a mistake and get the open arms from here that you did do the right thing by go back to your w ,,,but once i ,the woman cheater,confess and realize what i done...never had a simple words!!!!?????i gather that...

[Cobra_X30]

i do appreciate all your opinion and thought ..i don't know what to say now...i 'm holding my hands up and raise my flag ...i DID say that i never look for the A ,,10 years in the M i never raise an eyes for any men or look for another R ...i never looking for anything either..like you said ...i never did woke up in one morning and said right today i will have an A ...its just happen...and i know its wrong i was blind at that time...and now i woke up its take times to realize your mistake...now i am fixing our M.

lets be really honest here like we say to all the kids ...that you learnt by your mistake...i can say now that i am a kid making a new start of everything...and i am learning from my mistake .......why did i had an A ? thats a good question...i don't know...i never look for one...its just happened...i can repeat that .ITS JUST HAPPENED..i know you guys will have a go at me again ...how come is happened right ? i don't know...

 

It didnt just happen! I know you didnt go looking for it... I understand that. But you understood the consequences beforehand.

 

So understand that just because you didnt go out and find this MM, does not mean that you did not make a choice. We both know that it was an error in judgement, but WHY did you allow that error to occur?

 

Honestly, I'm going to go out on a limb and say there was something missing in your marriage that you were trying to compensate for in an affiar. Did the MM just pay attention to you when your H didnt?

 

See, unless you tackle the reason you allowed this to happen with honesty and sincerity... I think your marriage is never going to get better.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It didnt just happen! I know you didnt go looking for it... I understand that. But you understood the consequences beforehand.

 

So understand that just because you didnt go out and find this MM, does not mean that you did not make a choice. We both know that it was an error in judgement, but WHY did you allow that error to occur?

 

Honestly, I'm going to go out on a limb and say there was something missing in your marriage that you were trying to compensate for in an affiar. Did the MM just pay attention to you when your H didnt?

 

See, unless you tackle the reason you allowed this to happen with honesty and sincerity... I think your marriage is never going to get better.

 

The marriage can get better but it is only 8 weeks. give him time to heal.

 

Give him time to breathe. It's too soon for him to forgive you.

 

He's still mad and rightfully so. and the sex to him is he's reclaiming the throne so to speak. He wants to feel like he's doing you better than the OM,

 

You really have no idea what's going on in his mind. Read survivinginfidelity.com, those guys have some horror stories that would make you cry. He's going through more emotions than you. Considering that your affair his over, his emotional rollercoaster is still going on.

 

Denial, anger,sadness, hate, indifference, it is in his mind. Give him time to quell the doubts that surround him.

[Cobra_X30]

i think you being too harsh here but i don't blame .you..i am looking for the answer of my question ...i did read in every opinion thats post here..and learn it all..by the sound of it...all cheater should never be lived again,am i right? as its so familiar with TREATMENT thread in the OW/OM forum.but just the different circumstances.....why when men cheated on their w and realize(if they are true with themselves and the BS)what they done was a mistake and get the open arms from here that you did do the right thing by go back to your w ,,,but once i ,the woman cheater,confess and realize what i done...never had a simple words!!!!?????i gather that...

 

Some who have been betrayed fill with bile and cannot forgive. Take this into consideration as you read thier posts.

[upto_here]

Honestly, I'm going to go out on a limb and say there was something missing in your marriage that you were trying to compensate for in an affiar. Did the MM just pay attention to you when your H didnt?

 

See, unless you tackle the reason you allowed this to happen with honesty and sincerity... I think your marriage is never going to get better.

 

yes ,,you are making me see sense now ...yes there must be something why did i had the A ,carry on and made it in to a R ...and the more i though of it..there is a lot of reason...but one thing i just wanted to give the m another try..for what its worth if its not working i might have to leave ..to give him a good life and find the woman that really love him...and yes he deserve better...i won't hold him back at all...as i never did ...i did say to him that whatever his decision i will respect it...and he wanted to give it a try..i don't know if it will get any better..i agreed may be not ,,as everyday is so different..

[Cobra_X30]

yes ,,you are making me see sense now ...yes there must be something why did i had the A ,carry on and made it in to a R ...and the more i though of it..there is a lot of reason...but one thing i just wanted to give the m another try..for what its worth if its not working i might have to leave ..to give him a good life and find the woman that really love him...and yes he deserve better...i won't hold him back at all...as i never did ...i did say to him that whatever his decision i will respect it...and he wanted to give it a try..i don't know if it will get any better..i agreed may be not ,,as everyday is so different..

 

Hmmm... I'm going to say that it sounds like your not really in love your husband.

 

If you truely loved your husband and everything was all happy, happy, in your marriage, you would never have slept with the other man in the first place. I mean you werent raped were you?

[upto_here]

The marriage can get better but it is only 8 weeks. give him time to heal.

 

Give him time to breathe. It's too soon for him to forgive you.

 

He's still mad and rightfully so. and the sex to him is he's reclaiming the throne so to speak. He wants to feel like he's doing you better than the OM,

 

You really have no idea what's going on in his mind. Read survivinginfidelity.com, those guys have some horror stories that would make you cry. He's going through more emotions than you. Considering that your affair his over, his emotional rollercoaster is still going on.

 

Denial, anger,sadness, hate, indifference, it is in his mind. Give him time to quell the doubts that surround him.

 

Thank you for giving me advice CB..i can not imagine how much he going tru right now it must have been hell of a thought ...i don't know what to say anymore to him or reassure him but i guess i just keep doing it ..right!

 

Before we moved he always drove or parked in front of exmm house and hoping to bump in to him..and its always give him nightmare at the end..i guess it his ways to take out his anger, right?

[upto_here]

Hmmm... I'm going to say that it sounds like your not really in love your husband.

 

If you truely loved your husband and everything was all happy, happy, in your marriage, you would never have slept with the other man in the first place. I mean you werent raped were you?

 

:)no i did not been raped, like i said in my first post after finishing uni i found out i was pregnant ...and that start from there ..really ...i did love him but after a long time together and the way i been tread all the entire M i felt trapped ..everything was H tell i say yes if there is a no theres you go another rows...what i say is he not a bad bad person...he looking after me well .....well may be this is it ..!!maybe its just the convenient M ...

[bish]

But you could take it with the OM, right? he wants to do it all the time because if sex is non-existent, then he will feel like you are still getting your boots knocked by another guy.

 

Or is it that you don't want to have sex with him?

 

 

 

No i never say that i don't want sex with him.. i did !!at least count me as a human here..i am one of the human also or you telling me that once you cheat you will never be forgiven?

 

Its quite possible. I made the decision a recently that for the rest of my life I have a new rule...one strike and your out. If anyone cheats on me, they will be gone without a 2nd thought about it. I will no longer give any cheater a 2nd chance.

 

Now that is not to say that you will not be forgiven. Your H may have a different set of rules for himself. I'd be dissappointed in him really if he decided to keep playing the fool...and really, he is if he is trying to make this work with you but he just struggles with the images of what you did to him....because it sounds as if you can't take a little heat after 8 months for what you did, so he is, in a sense, being a fool. Alot of cheaters feel that way, they think they should get off fairly easy for pain they inflicted. And even if the pain goes away for the most part, the thoughts and slight resentment will come back to haunt them.

 

bring the om on the subject.here that at the time of the A so many time i wanted to end it..i admit that for the first time i have been respect there. sex with my H is great once we AGREED to do it not by FORCE!!!

 

So he has forced himself on you? Or is it that he really tries to have sex and you turn him down and he gets mad and walks off?

 

its gone long before the A he did not respect me as a W but what he told me is that its a duty of the W to perform whenever the H need!!!and its not what i enjoy anymore once you been force...i did say no out lound but he still try it on so i just leave and get it over with ...or

to PLEASE HIM... i am being really honest here, i wanted the M to work i don't expect to be a lovely dolly all the time...

 

Well here is the problem...you have pleased another man and he knows this. If you reject him, it is natural for him to think that you would rather be out pleasing some other guy.

 

And if he is the pig that you make him out to be, then why not just leave him?

[bish]

why did i had an A ? thats a good question...i don't know...i never look for one...its just happened...i can repeat that .ITS JUST HAPPENED..

 

If the excuse is, "it just happened"...then it will happen again given the right circumstance.

 

The "it just happened" excuse basically conveys the idea that you are too weak to KEEP it from HAPPENING again.

 

Maybe you should just get a divorce.

[Cobra_X30]

:)no i did not been raped, like i said in my first post after finishing uni i found out i was pregnant ...and that start from there ..really ...i did love him but after a long time together and the way i been tread all the entire M i felt trapped ..everything was H tell i say yes if there is a no theres you go another rows...what i say is he not a bad bad person...he looking after me well .....well may be this is it ..!!maybe its just the convenient M ...

 

You shouldnt feel trapped in your marriage... It sounds like you were not listened to or given a voice in the marriage!

 

It shouldnt just be convenient... what is your cultural background?

[bish]

i think you being too harsh here but i don't blame .you..i am looking for the answer of my question ...i did read in every opinion thats post here..and learn it all..by the sound of it...all cheater should never be lived again,am i right? as its so familiar with TREATMENT thread in the OW/OM forum.but just the different circumstances.....why when men cheated on their w and realize(if they are true with themselves and the BS)what they done was a mistake and get the open arms from here that you did do the right thing by go back to your w ,,,but once i ,the woman cheater,confess and realize what i done...never had a simple words!!!!?????i gather that...

 

never once have I ever treated a male cheater differently than a woman cheater...don't know where you are getting this from.

 

I have no tolerance for cheaters, male and female alike.

[bish]

yes ,,you are making me see sense now ...yes there must be something why did i had the A ,carry on and made it in to a R

 

Ah yes, EUREKA!! She has seen the light!! It is his fault she boned another man!! Now she has the justification she was looking for!!

 

Her guilt can now be appeased

[upto_here]

You shouldnt feel trapped in your marriage... It sounds like you were not listened to or given a voice in the marriage!

 

It shouldnt just be convenient... what is your cultural background?

 

well i don't know anymore to be honest with you ..i am really tired right now with the turmoil..you may be right i may have been ignored or not listened to...we been brought up in the oriental background thats the women obey the men..but thats is the old fashion way,,,but i guess my H still stick to some of it as he always say that never in the world that men and women are equal...i am really angry by his idea though but just keep my mouth shut most of the time...

[whichwayisup]

I am agreed with you 100% here...i understand how he act it that way...now...i am really sorry for what i done..i told him so...i really am crying rig:lmao:ht now...i really feel guilty that i have to put all the parties involved ..if i can make a wish i just wish to be the only one who suffer right now...and i am so relieved that the A is over ..i just can not take the whole thing at the same time here.....but i will take all the power i had to make it work ////

 

I know you regret your affair and wish it didn't happen and you are hurting for so many reasons.

 

Seek some counselling to help you cope with the fallout. You need to work on yourself, understand and be honest to YOU about your reasons why you needed to seek an affair with the OM. What was it exactly that pushed you in that direction, what needs did the OM meet? Did you love him, or did you just love how he made you feel. Once you answer these questions for YOU, you'll be able to heal better and fix your marriage.

 

Do little things for your husband, give him passwords to your email account(s), so if he feels he needs to check up on you, he can and that you have nothing to hide. Let him know you're a complete open book from now on, let your actions show this. Atleast he'll respect the fact you ARE working towards making things right again.

[Cobra_X30]

well i don't know anymore to be honest with you ..i am really tired right now with the turmoil..you may be right i may have been ignored or not listened to...we been brought up in the oriental background thats the women obey the men..but thats is the old fashion way,,,but i guess my H still stick to some of it as he always say that never in the world that men and women are equal...i am really angry by his idea though but just keep my mouth shut most of the time...

 

I can tell you are not approaching this from an american standpoint. I think we should all be mindful of where your coming from.

 

When you are in a marraige, and your husband treats you like a child, you tend to rebel and act like one. Now I'm not saying what you did was good, or ok. What I am saying is that you were not super happy to begin with... and I dont expect them to get better for you anytime soon.

 

I doubt your husband would be willing to seek counseling would he?

[Darth Vader]

Upto here, Did you ever tell your husband about your getting pregnant by the OM, then having an abortion? If you haven't, it's time to be completely honest...........

[Chrome Barracuda]

What she got pregnant by the OM and aborted his baby!!!

 

WTF??!!!

 

That is so much disrespect!!!

 

Is that true?

 

If my wife or girlfriend ever told me that ****. I know that would definitely be a deal breaker!

 

You need to come clean on that, if it is true!

[Darth Vader]

Read her past posted Threads.