Never thought this was possible

[JW]

I know this guy who claims he NEVER gets mad, at anything. He says he just doesn't care enough about things to let them upset him. For example, even when driving he does not get annoyed at bad drivers (I thought we all got irritated at that!). This sounds pretty strange to me. I thought everybody gets mad here and there. He says he never fights with anybody, EVER!! Can this really be possible?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "He says he never fights with anybody, EVER!! Can this really be possible?"

 

It sounds like you have come across a sane person...one who isn't all screwed up in the head. He seems strange to you because there aren't many of them around.

 

So give me a good reason why he should fight with anybody? Why should he care what opinion another person has? Why can't he choose to use his time and energy the way he wants to?

 

When people get angry, it's because they aren't getting their way about something. So you have found a guy who doesn't particularly find a need to have his way all the time. He understands that it's not that important and that time will pass. He is also not a control freak like most people and no insisting that everybody behave like he insists they should.

 

He also understands reality and that things will happen exactly as they are supposed to. He understands that if something happens in traffic, shouting and getting himself worked up isn't going to reverse the situation and he also understands that others carry guns and it isn't worth him getting shot to yell or shoot a bird at somebody who was inconsiderate in traffic.

 

I'm sure he cares about a lot of things in life. But he has learned to attract goodness and reject the insane elements. You can care about lots of things and also accept the craziness of it. It's simply nuts to go bonkers over that which you have no control. It's absolutely, totally insane but that's what most people learn to do, beginning as infants when we shout when we don't get our way.

 

There is also compelling medical evidence that anger causes a host of physical problems, including high blood pressure, ulcers, hardening of the arteries, stroke, heart attack, etc. You can read some about this by going to: http://www.intelihealth.com/IH/ihtIH/WSIHW000/8271/24665.html or you can simply go to http://www.google.com and enter "anger heart connection" into the search field. There are dozens of sights that will go into detail.

 

I think it's beyond insance and downright suicidal to engage in an activity that can kill you. Now, I'm not saying to supress the anger like a lot of people do. What I'm saying is this guy's brain is trained to process events and not get upset about them in the first place.

 

This guy sounds like he's really got his act together. But most women would find him boring and strange. I won't say why in order not to offend anybody. But hang around him and see if you can learn some things. My guess is he probably gets irritated or disappointed now and then....which are far more appropriate and rational reactions than rage.

 

If you think you really want to go through life upsetting yourself and getting pissed off about things at every turn (and every day there is more and more you can get pissed off about), see a counsellor ASAP!!!

[Pookette]

If it's true he doesn't get mad at anything, he is a lucky person. Very laid back, without a care in the world...etc. Does he go with the theory "forgive and forget"? But to answer your question, I don't think it's possible.

 

But he HAS to get mad at something, somebody. Perhaps he just is accustomed to controlling his expressions and feelings. It seems to me that it wouldn't be healthy. He may just be bottling his emotions up. But then again, he could be a very understanding, forgiving person. I envy that.

 

Tell him to send me some of whatever he has. I need it. You should see me when I'm watching WWE. Sheesh.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "But he HAS to get mad at something, somebody."

 

So there you go, demanding that somebody has to behave the same way think they ought to. That's EXACTLY how I described in my post above why people get angry in the first place.

 

So WHY does he have to get mad and something, somebody??? I beg you to give me that answer. Also, what effect on the situation would getting angry have? Do you think talking something over or negotiating might get a more favorable result? I will be eagerly awaiting your answers as I have a very open mind about this and would LOVE to find a reason to get pissed about something.

 

There are far more appropriate and rational ways to repsond to life's ups and downs than anger or rage, which are unproductive and can lead to early death. (See my link the my post above). Disappointment or frustration are somewhat better responses to things which could give us an anger fit...and they don't have to last long.

 

The greatest medicine in the universe is forgiveness. Even though so many people belong to religions who teach this as a primary requirement, so few really do it. They prefer to let anger stew inside and slowly kill them.

 

Many people are just plain goofy!!!

[Pookette]

Ok Tony. Perhaps I worded that a bit strongly, about having to get mad. Here's a personal experience that just happened last Monday. I'm not arguing that getting mad solves anything, but sometimes it's inevitable.

 

My husband and I have two cars. My father just fixed one of them because he is an awesome mechanic. The other one we were driving, but it needed a new axle. We picked up the one that was fixed and dropped the other one off. As we were driving home, the engine seized up, car got ruined, all because of an itty-bitty little plastic piece that broke off something and got sucked into the oil pump. Apparently a design flaw in the engine itself. Ugh. I was to start a new job at 7:30 the next morning, but we had to get a wrecker, call the Highway Patrol...blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, both of us were pretty mad. Money is tight and cars don't come cheaply. Fortunately, my dad has a spare set of wheels we're using now. As I am one of those people who blow up quickly and cool down quickly, it's ok now. I feel getting mad, gnashing my teeth and cursing helps me. I can set whatever was bothering me aside and keep on trucking. Unfortunately, one of MY design flaws is I love to debate and I love to play the devil's advocate. Sometimes it causes arguments with people, but nothing serious.

 

Personally, I've just in the last year or so been able to show my (insert emotion here). I didn't want to offend anybody or hurt their feelings at all, so I kept my mouth buttoned and, well, bottled things up. Now I find it liberating to speak up and tell someone I think they're a ninny lips. Feels great and healthy to me. I never fly into rages and foam at the mouth or anything, I just usually get a little peesed off.

 

What do ya think?

[moimeme]

Could be the guy's a Buddhist. Buddhism is very much about 'detaching' oneself from situations.

 

For instance, Pookette, if that fellow was in his car and the same thing happened to him, he likely would just consider it to be one more of the life events that falls into the "s**t happens" category and that would be that.

 

You were likely angry because you believe that 'a car which I paid good money for should not have design flaws' and you were frustrated because your plans, which you had decided was the way life ought to be for the next X number of hours, were frustrated. Something you felt you ought to be able to do unimpeded was impeded by a circumstance caused by a situation you do not believe should happen. Realistically, there is no validity to this point of view! Yes, in an ideal world, every vehicle would be constructed perfectly, but this is not an ideal world and mistakes are made every day - including by you. The essence of peace of mind lies in accepting the imperfectness of life.

 

If you lived in a country where vehicle manufacturing and repair was not generally very high standard, you would neither be surprised nor frustrated that your vehicle broke down because it would meet your expectation. Or, if you didn't have anything you wanted to to the next day and your vehicle broke down in a vacation resort, you might even welcome the forced extended stay.

 

This is not to say that you 'choose' the emotion to have, however you can choose to change your perspective about life and, if you do, you can change how often you get angry.

 

With respect to others' opinions, you can just decide that the opinions of others simply do not matter. There's a wonderful story about a fellow who was a criminal but did a lot of thinking while in jail and who wrote some very good books. He told a tale about walking down the prison corridor one day and one of the other prisoners called him an S.O.B. He said that normally, he would become enraged at the guy and want to beat his brains out. However, that day, he says, he thought about it and said to himself, 'no, I'm not an SOB and if he thinks I am, that's his problem'. He never again got mad at anybody calling him a name!

 

This is the sort of thing Buddhism teaches; it is more a philosophy than a 'religion' per se; certainly you can adopt Buddhist teaching without changing your own religion but it can certainly drop your anger levels 'way down.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Anyway, both of us were pretty mad. Money is tight and cars don't come cheaply. Fortunately, my dad has a spare set of wheels we're using now."

 

Precisely why did you get mad? Did the car breaking dad cause you to get mad...or did you decide to get mad becasue the car broke down? Did the fact that cars aren't cheap make you mad...or did you get mad because cars aren't as inexpensive as you would like them to be? Did you get mad because this little piece just decided to drop into the fuel line of your car?

 

Let me tell you a story:

 

There an a passenger airliner getting ready to debark one evening from a gate at the Paris airport when suddenly mechanics discovered a serious engine problem. The passengers, who had been sitting inside the plane for over an hour, were asked to get off the plane and were given vouchers for a hotel until the next day when another plane in better condition could be dispatched to take them to America.

 

Passenger reactions were as follows:

 

1. Some of the passengers were fuming because the they had paid for their tickets and felt the airline was obligated to provide a plane in good condition to get them to America ON TIME!

 

2. Some of the passengers were angry because they had been sitting inside the cramped plane for an hour and then asked to get off...without ever taking off.

 

3. Some of the passengers were mad at the airline for not having a better maintenance program to prevent such problems.

 

4. Some of the passengers were pissed because the tardiness of the flight would cause them all kinds of problems with missed connections in the U.S. and the frustration of having to reschedule those.

 

5. Some of the passengers were relieved that the problem in the engine had been found before take off and might have prevented an air catastrophe and perhaps saved their lives.

 

6. Some of the passengers were gleeful at the opportunity to spend one more night in Paris, have one more delightful meal at a sidewalk cafe, enjoy one more continental breakfast, and see a few things they had missed.

 

7. Some passengers were in heaven because they would be able to go back to shops they had planned on revisiting to pick up souveniers and antiques to take back to their homes and friends.

 

8. Some passengers were delighted because they felt they really needed on more night of solid rest in a nice bed in a nice hotel before a long flight with one or two stopovers in the U.S.

 

9. Some passengers really had no feelings about the matter at all. They just accepted the fact that there was trouble with the plane and they would be inconvenienced for a day...no big deal.

 

So, there you have it. Two hundred and fifty passengers....all with different reactions to the same, identical event. So did the event cause anger? If it did, everybody would have become angry. No, the event was pretty neutral, it was reality, it just happened. It was up to each person to decide for themselves how to react. Some chose to be mean to themselves and work themselves up...while others chose to make the very best out of an unfortunate situation.

 

I hope in the future you will put aside what you have been used to doing...that is, getting angry. If you read my link on the anger/heart/health connection, you should be concerned about your own personal longevity as well...or does it make you angry that anger could shorten your life (lol). I hope you will choose to accept things as they come...and if they aren't to your liking, be disappointed and know that anger makes no sense at all.

 

Anger probably meant a lot more to primitive made to had to work himself up for survival against predators. But today, all it does is make us look like blooming idiots...and has no other value.

 

To repeat, if you do feel angry is the thing for you to become, by all means express it. Even if it looks goofy, it's much better to express it than to repress it. There are medical penalities for doing that as well.

 

If it had been me and the car went bad after it had been fixed, I would have been disappointed...but more joyful that it had not broken down on an expressway or long bridge where my life could have been at risk...I would have been joyful that my dad had another car I could use until I got dependable wheels...and I would have been so happy that my dad was good with cars and was willing to fix mine whenever they went bad.

 

My father died in 1987...and, even before that, he wasn't very good with car repairs.

 

So I really hope that you spend some time very joyful that your sweet father is alive, cares enough about you to work on your cars, and that he loves you a lot and doesn't want you to die young from getting mad all the time.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "You were likely angry because you believe that 'a car which I paid good money for should not have design flaws' "

 

That EXACTLY why people get inappropriately angry...you hit it right on the head. They go around "shoulding" on themselves all day. This should happen, it shouldn't have happened, that person shouldn't have said such and such, he should do this, she should do that. Yep, everybody feels things should be a certain way...but reality dictates that things will happen the way they happen and people will say and do what they say and do. Accepting that fact may be the gate to heaven.

 

The word "should" shouldn't even be in the dictionary....there you go, having me should on myself too. You shouldn't have done that. Damn!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Could be the guy's a Buddhist. Buddhism is very much about 'detaching' oneself from situations.

 

Sanity and happiness isn't JUST for Buddhists anymore!!!

 

You are not detaching yourself from anything by deciding to react to people and situations in a rational rather than negative, hurtful and insane fashion.

[yes]

while being that sane sounds ideal, i somehow doubt it's fully possible. it seems likely that the guys has SOME surpressed anger in him.

 

the main reason i say this is that i used to a very leveled person - i still haven't yelled at anyone ever in my entire life. But, several years ago, i learned to speak up more about the things i disliked, and it's such a relief!

 

i just don't think pure cases of sanity exist... may be wrong. i hope i'm wrong!

 

-yes

 

PS the near-sane people have a pleasant air of relaxation and calmness around them, it's easy to tell them apart, isn't it?

[Pookette]

...i learned to speak up more about the things i disliked, and it's such a relief!

 

That's what I'm talking about too. The ability to actually get mad and express that if I want is a very good feeling. I don't go around getting mad at every little thing that goes wrong or screws up my plans. As a matter of fact, I myself usually use the "sh*t happens" method of thinking. Or whatever Murphy's Law that states "If something can go wrong, it will." But if I feel angry, I will be angry.

 

As far as the car goes, it was just an example. They are not built to last forever. I spent many a happy, greasy hour in the garage with my dad banging away with a wrench on a stubborn bolt.

 

Feelings are very tricky things. Yes, I was angry the car broke down because we are experiencing other problems. But I was also disappointed, frustrated, sad, resigned and even amused because of a conversation which took place 5 minutes before it died stating that we never needed to buy the other car in the first place because this little baby was purring like a kitten. Then it started clunking...