mirroring questing for you.

[zingy]

i've been reading a book called "the dark side of the light chasers" by debbie ford.

 

have you heard of this book?

it is about reclaiming your shadow and taking back your negative/positive aspects of yourself that you project onto others.

 

i know you seen to know alot about phychology stuff so i thought i would direct my question to you:

 

i am alittle confused about this whole thing but the reason i started reading it is because i feel i have so much emotional baggage and things that i can't get out that may be hampering my lfe.

 

some of the negative things are the usual one's i'm sure, like feeling intimidated by my husband, not to a big degree but to a degree that bothers me anyway.

 

to nitpick with him, we both get in our modes and do this and i hate it and i know he does too, but it is not a daily thing but just an annoying thing when it does happen.

 

feeling self-righteous while thinking others are wrong.

then other things like jealousy, feeling critized when no criticism is even there, or so i'm told.

 

being thought of as lazy, and selfish really hit home with me too.

then there are the positive aspects of him that i hate, that i am assuming if i'm reading and understanding this book correctly, that the things i would hate in someone else are the things that i am hiding in myself.

 

his arrogance is the most annoying thing in the world to me, to me it shows conceit and being too full of himself.

 

then his motivation and drive make me feel discouraged about my own dead at a stand still life.

 

his confidence and gift of gab make me feel very envious and jealous too.

 

then last night he said something to me in a very snotty tone of voice: "since when i do have to explain myself to "YOU"? anyway"

 

the way he emphasized the "you" was very hurtful and i said what like i'm a piece of shxt or something?

 

then i scribbled this note down: "my love my brother, they are both fxcking jerks. i feel so belittled by them both".

 

yes i know no one can make us feel something unless we choose to let them.

 

but honestly how many do you think actually sit and think that way?

 

so if i am understanding all this book correctly, the things that bother me about him and or others that are good and or bad are these things that i am hiding in myself?

 

are these things that i need to "own" as the book says?

it says to look yourself in the mirror and repeat the word like "i am lazy" over and over again until it has no impact on you.

 

that means then you have owned that aspect of yourself and you can move on with your life so to speak.

 

do you understand all this stuff and if so am i on the right track with this?

 

the main thing i want to acomplish is to get rid of this need to bicker with him, to be right, to get the last word in, to not be so defensive, to feel some power from myself to go forward and improve myself.

 

another passage i read in the book is that "what you can't be with wont let you be".

 

i know people come into our lives and we are to learn a lesson from them then we can move on without that aspect of life coming in and bother ing us again because we have learned what we are to learn from it.

 

the thing that worries me about this is that i could learn alot from him but i can't tell him that cause something in me hates all those things about him to the point that at times i would rather leave then have to continually live with these things.

 

so naturally to me now with this book, i'm thinking that that is probably the worst thing to do as i would not learn anything from it him or this.

 

so i think what if after i learn what i 'm suppose to learn and i want to move on then i feel that i would/will be using him.

 

i don't know, but what do you think of all of this stuff or is this the wrong place for me to be to ask all this?

[Tony T]

Every man must work out his own destiny in his own way. I have not heard of the book you mentioned but if you don't understand it and it doesn't work for you, I would take it back or donate it to the public library.

 

You are correct, it is hard not to let what other people say affect you. It takes a lot of practice to learn to consider the source. If your husband told you you were a giraffe, would that make you a giraffe?

 

Others affect us in negative ways because we give them the power to do so. Take back that power from them and they have no effect on us whatsoever.

 

As we evolve, unless we learn to transcend the stupidity and that which makes us feel bad, we condemn ourselves to a life of blandness and even depression. Once you transcend the goings on in the world and understand fully that this is ONLY very temporary and nothing we do here is of much significance, you will reach a life of peace.

 

Yes, that's what I said, NOTHING that happens and NOTHING that is said is of any real lasting importance. Are you still upset about anything your husband said last month or last year? If you are, you need therapy badly. One day, we will be gone and very little about us will be remembered by anyone except our immediate survivors. So why should we make it all that important now.

 

By transcending the things that bother you, you rise above them and make them a non issue NOW instead of letting that happen over the course of time. Unfortunately, most people learn to take everything so seriously...and that's why there is so much neurosis.

 

I strongly urge you to find a spiritual path of some sort that will help you make better sense of life and give you a sense of strength and self control. If you're looking for a book right now to give you some ground rules for not letting people upset you, buy some books by Albert Ellis. Go to http://www.google.com and enter "books by Albert Ellis." Go to the first link and scan the titles...there are lots of them. But you will find one on how to not upset yourself about anything...order it.

 

Meanwhile, stop taking life so seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

 

For me, the best exercise was taking a trip to a large cemetary in my town. I took a note pad with me to write the names of all the people who lived there who were happy and having fun. I came back with no notations whatsoever. It was then that I figured I need to do everything I can RIGHT NOW to be happy and fulfilled and not to let any other persons drag me into their BS.

[zingy]

i am trying not to take life too serioiulsy but i am trying to take back mylife also in the sense that i am so tired of things bothering me and my behaviors like the bickering, controlling, i am a major control freak with my hubby, and i hate that about myself.

 

i want to live and have fun, but i am also need to rid myself of such things that are so petty that stand in my way.

 

for instance i want to go to school agian but i feel too stupid to go and compete among so many young students.

 

i want to have self-confidence like my husband to feel free yet i loathe him for his.

 

this is not right, but who says it is not right. i was in the bedroom mirror telling myself that "yes i am lazy" so what, i can be right?

 

i told myself that i am stupid, i am stupid for alot of things i do and don't do as well.

 

being stupid is something i need to own because i am so defense about NOT being stupid that i need to prove that i am NOT stupid but if i can see ways that 'yes i am stupid in" then i can own that part of me and hopefully not be so defensive about it all.

 

i'm just so tried of carrying around so much baggage that hampers my life.

 

i want to rid myself of it or at least recognize when it is interfering in my life.

 

i want to be someone different and someone who can stand up for herself without fear and intimidations.

 

i want the self-esteem that he has, that others have, that come so natural for them.

 

i want so many good things about others that i seem to lack that i am sure are in me somewhere.

 

i can't believe that i was destined to be such a meak quiet intimidated shy lazy un-motivated controlling selfish stupid woman that i feel that i am.

 

surely God has better plans for my life then this!!!

if not then what is the point of it all???

[Tony T]

You make it sound like life is running you. Time is running out my friend, you have to take life by the balls and run it!!!

[zingy]

i will as soon as i can figure out how to do that and get myself out of the way of living, but thanks just the same.

[moimeme]

Debbie Ford's point is that every single one of us has all the good qualities and all the bad qualities in us to some degree. So when she says you should say 'I am lazy' to yourself, it means that you should acknowledge that you are one of the 6 or 7 billion people on this planet who are also lazy. You cannot possibly be perfection in all things, and it is impossible for you to be the most horrible person on the planet in all respects. So the thing to do is not beat yourself up because you have a flaw or two - we all have 'em and many of us worse so than you.

 

Rather, you should focus you goals on what you want and who you want to be and spend your thoughts on planning how to get where you are going.

 

I know somebody who got her Master's degree when she was in her sixties. It is never too late to go to school. By constantly worrying about what you seem to be to others, you give everybody your power. Take it back for yourself. Aim for a goal and work towards it, knowing that sometimes you'll slack and sometimes you'll fail but very famous and successful people do that, too. Did you know Donald Trump has been bankrupt at least once?

 

And if you find you simply cannot dig yourself out of your hole, find a counsellor to help you.