she found out!

[bish]

The best advice I can give you right now is to not think about the BS. Its tempting to allow yourself to wallow in guilt, but you need to stop yourself from sinking into it. There are many here that want you to feel bad about the choices you made and now put the BSes needs above your own. Don't listen to that advice.

 

Ya..thats right don't listen to it. Forget the fact that your actions along with this worthless MM are causing pain to someone else.

 

Forget about his betrayed wife...she doesn't deserve any sympathy...so basically, to hell with his wife. The OW here can just worry about herself....as usual.

 

The BS is a big girl and can take care of herself.

 

And with any luck, the BS will take care of both the OW that could care less whose husband she is boffing and her lousy H real good.

[Impudent Oyster]

As for self - respect, in my opinion, staying married to a lying and cheating husband is not showing any self - respect at all. Quite the contrary, I'd say. However, staying with a loyal and committed man is.

 

.

 

 

I completely agree that staying with a lying, cheating husband shows no self-respect, but then I don't know ANYONE who stays with a man like that. I don't ever recall of any wife who stayed with a man who continued to lie and cheat (with her knowledge of course)

 

I do know of many wives whose husbands made a mistake and will bend over backwards regaining their wive's trust, proving their loyalty and recommitting to their marriages. That of course, is an entirely different creature than the man you described.

[Impudent Oyster]

MM men stay in bad marriages for all sorts of reasons and not because they love their wives. If they loved them, they wouldn't be carrying on an affair at the same time.

.

 

Oh this is soooo not true. In fact, I think we've heard from quite a few men on this very website who said they loved their wives but had affairs anyway. You can't subscribe to absolutes like that, it just doesn't work.

 

Don't confuse momentary ego-boosts and meaningless infatuation with real love.

[marlena]

IO,

 

Real love is not lying and cheating on the person you allegedly love. It is not showing disrespect and making a fool of him/her. It is not being disregardful with his/her heart. If it is, I opt for infatuation then.

 

In my experience, most men who cheat once will do it again and again for as long as they can (until they become too old, impotent or infirm). They choose to stay in their marriages mainly out of convenience. Some fear the social outcry, some losing property and money and some just give in under the pressure from family and friends. Others can't stand the guilt especially if children get involved and apply the screws as well. Most are simply cowards and will try to have their cake and eat it too for as long as they can. Most men dread complications.

 

This is not to say that some (a rare few) do not sincerely regret the damage they have caused due to their A. Most however just regret getting caught.

 

And yes, some men do indeed harbor real feelings for their OW. This explains why it is so difficult to end the A even after the wife finds out. A have been known to gon for years and years. Still others simply exploit their OW sexually and nothing more.

 

but then I don't know ANYONE who stays with a man like that. I don't ever recall of any wife who stayed with a man who continued to lie and cheat (with her knowledge of course)

 

Unfortunately, this is not the general rule. Most women continue to stay in abusive marriages in full awareness of their husbands roving eye or d***. And this is sad. Very sad. They, in all probabilty stay, for the same reason that husbands stay (all the aforementioned and then some).

 

We could all do with more honesty in our relationships.

[marlena]

Personally my sympathies lie with the BS and OW and not with the cheating spouse (regardless of gender). A person should disolve his/her marriage and then look for another partner. Still, to err is only human. So, once in an affair, he should either stop and commit to his/her marriage or simply divorce and accept the consequences.

[Impudent Oyster]

IO,

 

Real love is not lying and cheating on the person you allegedly love. It is not showing disrespect and making a fool of him/her.

T

 

WRONG WRONG WRONG AND WRONG AGAIN.

 

The only fool in the triangle is the cheater and possibly the OP if they know the spouse is married.

 

How on earth do you figure a loyal spouse who honors their vows is a fool? That's some screwed up logic there.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

WRONG WRONG WRONG AND WRONG AGAIN.

 

The only fool in the triangle is the cheater and possibly the OP if they know the spouse is married.

 

How on earth do you figure a loyal spouse who honors their vows is a fool? That's some screwed up logic there.

 

You're assuming that every BS are completely loyal and want to honour their vows. But there are a number of BS's who also dont want to let go, dont want to change their lifestyle, fear being alone, have a million reasons why they may want to keep their marriage and some of them are nothing to do with the vows they took. And some will honour their vows regardless of circumstance.

 

IO, I think you do yourself an injustice by not seeing the bigger picture that not ALL A's are ego-boosting or simply infatuation. Some may be. Some are not. Some are somewhere in between. Some are exit affairs from an unhappy marriage. Some are for love. Its naive to believe that all affairs are simply borne out of ego or infatuation

[annabelle75]

IO, I think you do yourself an injustice by not seeing the bigger picture that not ALL A's are ego-boosting or simply infatuation. Some may be. Some are not. Some are somewhere in between. Some are exit affairs from an unhappy marriage. Some are for love. Its naive to believe that all affairs are simply borne out of ego or infatuation

 

If she ever acknowledged that it would force her to take a closer look at her husband's infidelity. That'll never happen.

 

She'd rather live in a fatasy world where all BS are sweet innocent pillars of the community, all WS are poor misguided souls that need to be shown the way back home and all OPs are wicked evil fools that deserve to be berated. Whatever gets her through the day I guess. :shrugs:

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

If she ever acknowledged that it would force her to take a closer look at her husband's infidelity. That'll never happen.

 

She'd rather live in a fatasy world where all BS are sweet innocent pillars of the community, all WS are poor misguided souls that need to be shown the way back home and all OPs are wicked evil fools that deserve to be berated. Whatever gets her through the day I guess. :shrugs:

 

I know A75, I agree. The constant holier-than-thou act is becoming weary for me though and I dont think its constructive in the least to the OPs.

 

Both Bish and IO, I suggest you read the guidelines pinned at the top of the OW/OM thread.

[annabelle75]

I know A75, I agree. The constant holier-than-thou act is becoming weary for me though and I dont think its constructive in the least to the OPs.

 

Both Bish and IO, I suggest you read the guidelines pinned at the top of the OW/OM thread.

 

I know. I'm not bothering to reply to her anymore. Every post she makes just reinforces the fact that all is not well in her life and she is desperately trying to justify everything by coming her and beating up on OW. I wonder if she goes to couseling. If so, I would love for her to tell her counselor that she spends her time on an OM/OW board harrassing the posters. Hee hee .... I'm sure that would be an interesting conversation.

[mineymoe]

I confess I only read page one of this thread. There is so much negativity on this board I really think this is more of a "haven" for the bitter.

 

But why aren't you answering his calls?

Why WOULDN'T you talk to him now?

 

Are you afraid of the spouse?

 

I know MANY people who became involved in relationships before another one was over. Don't let the bitter ones here discourage you. One of my best friends MARRIED her affair yesterday. They have been living together for 5.

 

I think you need to talk to your guy. I am sure he really needs you right now. And it sounds like you need him.

 

Why would he even keep your card if he didn't care about you? Sounds pretty sentimental. Maybe he wanted to get caught. Anyway. Hang in there. Follow your heart.

[bish]

I know A75, I agree. The constant holier-than-thou act is becoming weary for me though and I dont think its constructive in the least to the OPs.

 

Both Bish and IO, I suggest you read the guidelines pinned at the top of the OW/OM thread.

 

Why? Does it say something about sugarcoating advice as a requirement?

 

Oh, you mean the respect thing...well just how much respect is being shown to the BS?

[lovernotafighter]

Why? Does it say something about sugarcoating advice as a requirement?

 

Oh, you mean the respect thing...well just how much respect is being shown to the BS?

 

ugh, is that what you and IO are calling your insults now a days? advice?

 

okay here's some advice for you lose the god damned racist avatar before I puke! Jesus why do I have look at that because I need some helpful advice huh? that alone would make anyone run screaming in terror!

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know, I for one dont like women or men who cheat, I for one have no to little sympathy for people who engage in affairs. knowing that your run the potential for STD's, Destroyed family's, loss of respect, Financial burden through a divorce.

 

Now as much as I hate affairs. I post here to give an honest opinion, and as much as I hate alot of you posters that actually encourage affairs even though it's wrong. As much as I want to wring y'all scrawny little necks, for the wrong y'all do.

 

It is your opinions and y'all are entitled to it. Why dont you allow bish and others to comment and respect it. and just let what we say slide. Y'all know cheating is wrong, why lie about it?

[lovernotafighter]

why lie about what? that this forum is in place for support? despite what your personal opinion is that is what this forum is for and not for people to come and use the people here as their personal whipping post because someone cheated on them.

 

coming here and slinging around sh*tty comments and insults is hardly my idea of being supportive.

 

so you are suggesting because we are horrible people (in your opinion) for being involved in a affair we should just learn to live with and except jibes from bitter people like bish who are just looking to try punish everyone in the same category as who ever burned him?

 

well yanno, since you believe that don't you also believe I am allowed to comment on the fact his racist avatar offends me since I am black and Kramer made all those horrible remarks about said blacks, or is that some how out of line in your view?

[Lyssa]

It makes me wonder sometimes - if this is how OW/OM is going to be like, with all these people-bashing (you know who you are) I don't think a lot of OW/OM would like to tell their stories. They are here to get opinions - and I am very sure mostly want opinions/advices from people who are/were in the same situations. If you do not like what you see, all this cheaters or whatever you call them, then please just don't read it or even bother to reply if you can't form your sentences in a nice way. You don't have to sugarcoat things but the least you can do is not to be rude.

[Chrome Barracuda]

why lie about what? that this forum is in place for support? despite what your personal opinion is that is what this forum is for and not for people to come and use the people here as their personal whipping post because someone cheated on them.

 

coming here and slinging around sh*tty comments and insults is hardly my idea of being supportive.

 

so you are suggesting because we are horrible people (in your opinion) for being involved in a affair we should just learn to live with and except jibes from bitter people like bish who are just looking to try punish everyone in the same category as who ever burned him?

 

well yanno, since you believe that don't you also believe I am allowed to comment on the fact his racist avatar offends me since I am black and Kramer made all those horrible remarks about said blacks, or is that some how out of line in your view?

 

True. But listen to me. Affairs are wrong right? Right.

 

Now if you encourage a person to do something wrong, it is still wrong. Right. If your doing wrong in this world in the eyes of many people your gonna get blasted for it. It's just the way it is. There's not gonna be much solitude or places for people who cheat, people that have been hurt and betrayed are gonna beef about it. It's just natural. It's the way the world is. Alot of people here think affairs are fun and romantisize them, but there is a dangerous dark theme to them as well. Affairs are nothing to be proud of, since when is it okay to be proud of sleeping with a man who's not your husband or spending money on a mistress?

 

And as far as the Krammer thing. If u dont know by now, I am black myself. I used to love seinfeld. For a white show with a promdomintly white cast I thought it was hilarious. As far as the krammer incident. I didnt get enraged about the comments. I did'nt protest. I was mad because it ruined how I viewed the guy who played krammer. But life for me is so much bigger than things on a minor scale. what michael richards did was minor scale to me. Talk to me when you know about the jena 6 or something else of greater importance.

 

It makes me wonder sometimes - if this is how OW/OM is going to be like, with all these people-bashing (you know who you are) I don't think a lot of OW/OM would like to tell their stories. They are here to get opinions - and I am very sure mostly want opinions/advices from people who are/were in the same situations. If you do not like what you see, all this cheaters or whatever you call them, then please just don't read it or even bother to reply if you can't form your sentences in a nice way. You don't have to sugarcoat things but the least you can do is not to be rude.

 

There's a difference between straight up bashing and tough love, learn how to see the difference between the two. And there is a line between enabling bad behavior and calling a person out on it. That's all other people are trying to do. Sometimes the harsh truth is needed, A person who likes to have affairs has an extremely hard time of hearing! lol.

[Lyssa]

I know the difference, thank you very much. I just don't see the point of some people giving their opinions the way they do and just shut it if you keep telling it the way you do and ppl do not want to listen. Let them be. It's their lives.

 

A person who likes to have affairs has an extremely hard time of hearing! lol.

 

Vice versa.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Cute....lol.

[OpenBook]

why lie about what? that this forum is in place for support? despite what your personal opinion is that is what this forum is for and not for people to come and use the people here as their personal whipping post because someone cheated on them.

 

Yes, their posts reveal a LOT more about themselves than the poster they're responding to. That's the beauty of this site - you can sift through the comments offered and take away from it what you will.

 

Lola, at this point I would take a page out of Lizzie's book - separate yourself and your emotions from the situation. DISENGAGE from the whole thing - take a step back, and look at everything objectively. (Picture yourself as Mr. Spock, observing and recording everything without any reaction.) Gather as much information as you can, and store it for awhile.

 

Your gut will eventually reveal to you the best course of action.

[Spinderella]

Affairs are nothing to be proud of, since when is it okay to be proud of sleeping with a man who's not your husband or spending money on a mistress?

Lolax does not sound very proud to me, and so this seems unneccessary in this particular thread.

 

 

To Lolax,

I agree with those who are wondering why you do not pick up the phone to him. These actions say, you were only happy with a fantasy situation such as the affair, and are not really willing to deal with the reality of what happens when your relationship becomes public.

The fact that you do not pick up the phone makes it clear that you care more about your life than you do about being with the MM. This is healthy, and you need to keep focussed on this fact.

I dont know how you got involved in this affair, but if you really, really want for him to leave his wife and be with you whilst the affair is ongoing, then the reality is, that it WILL be ugly.

If you want the affair to end and for him to go and decide what he wants without the affair continuing, then this seperation is also a neccessary part of that.

Unfortunately, this is the reality of affairs. Either they continue being affairs until you just cant take it anymore and end it, or he ends it. Or you allow him to decide what he wants and you go through the pain of waiting for that decision without him around. OR he leaves her whilst the affair is ongoing and you face the wrath of the wife. Or she finds out and enforces one of the above. Either way one of above is inevitable and unavoidable.

It seems that you dont really want any of these scenarios, but, he comes with them, and you have to decide if you really love him that much to also accept that part of it.

Sounds to me like you are starting to realise how important your own life actually is, and so are taking the self protective measurements of not answering the phone. If you do this, then be aware that this is the decision you have made. You have decided that you do not want the ugliness of the affair in your life, because you cant really seperate him from the affair.

Make one decision or the other and stick with it.

If you have decided that you really want to be with him, then you also need to pick up the phone and listen to him, and also tell him that. You also need to let him make that decision without the affair continuing. If the affair continues then you are telling him by action that you are happy with the affair.

You only need to speak to him once IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT HE LOVES YOU. If you dont believe that he loves you, but, is calling you only to get your stories straight for his wife or to check on if you have spoken to her yet, then you also need to accept that reality.

Affairs are a fantasy existence mostly. This is the reality of it.

Please take care, and love yourself more. Most OW get angry when people suggest that they have low self esteem, but if you conduct your affairs in this manner, then it is very obvious that you have low self esteem.

[Impudent Oyster]

ugh, is that what you and IO are calling your insults now a days? advice?

 

 

Yes, and telling her that she should not give this poor excuse for a man who could care less about her the time of day after HE through HER under the bus is great advice.

 

It's a hell of a lot better advice than "Well I heard of a mm once a long time ago who ended up with the OW so keep clinging onto that hope".

[Impudent Oyster]

why lie about what? that this forum is in place for support?

 

I'm all for supporting women who try to get out of the affairs that they either stupidly or mistakenly (didn't know the guy was married) entered into, I'll support that 100%, but support for selfish people who want to lie, cheat, and create pain and help others to lie, cheat and inflict pain on their spouses and children, sometimes destroying families?

 

What kind of person supports hurting people?

 

You must be joking. Do you also advocate supporting criminals and child molesters too? Are they victims who just need understanding?

[bish]

ugh, is that what you and IO are calling your insults now a days? advice?

 

okay here's some advice for you lose the god damned racist avatar before I puke!

 

Its a damn picture from a TV show...its not an endorsement of the obviously racist and wrong things that Michael Richards has done.

 

I like it because it came from the TV show from a character that has nothing to do with MR. But if it will shut you up, yes, I'll remove it.

 

 

Jesus why do I have look at that because I need some helpful advice huh? that alone would make anyone run screaming in terror!

 

Now...would you have anything against me putting Louis Farrakhan up as an avatar?

[bish]

why lie about what? that this forum is in place for support?

 

Support for what? Trying to help people keep their affairs and betrayals alive so they get their own selfish needs met?

 

despite what your personal opinion is that is what this forum is for and not for people to come and use the people here as their personal whipping post because someone cheated on them.

 

coming here and slinging around sh*tty comments and insults is hardly my idea of being supportive.

 

And just how supportive are these cheaters and OW/OM being to the W/H and kids of the people they are hurting? As long as they get their rocks off, who cares who they hurt, right?

 

so you are suggesting because we are horrible people (in your opinion) for being involved in a affair we should just learn to live with and except jibes from bitter people like bish who are just looking to try punish everyone in the same category as who ever burned him?

 

You know...its awful damn funny that people like you can betray others, hurt them in real life without a damn care in the world as long as you get what YOU want...yet you can't take the heat in a forum? That is truly funny as hell.

 

well yanno, since you believe that don't you also believe I am allowed to comment on the fact his racist avatar offends me since I am black and Kramer made all those horrible remarks about said blacks, or is that some how out of line in your view?

 

Kramer didn't make those remarks...Michael Richards did. But as you can see, I took that avatar down just for little old you. Like I said, its just a funny picture from a funny show...but it doesn't matter...its gone now...happy?

 

Now what if I put up Louis Farrakhan?