bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 It makes me wonder sometimes - if this is how OW/OM is going to be like, with all these people-bashing (you know who you are) I don't think a lot of OW/OM would like to tell their stories. They are here to get opinions - and I am very sure mostly want opinions/advices from people who are/were in the same situations. If you do not like what you see, all this cheaters or whatever you call them, then please just don't read it or even bother to reply if you can't form your sentences in a nice way. You don't have to sugarcoat things but the least you can do is not to be rude. And cheating on your spouse...sleeping with someone elses husband/wife isn't rude? Why treat someone with kid gloves when they are displaying that kind of behavior? It might be a different story if someone says "I know its wrong and should get out of this situation...please help me to do that"....but no...all I hear most of the time is something on the lines of.."why won't he leave his wife and family for me" THAT behavior is not only "rude", its downright despicable. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 It might be a different story if someone says "I know its wrong and should get out of this situation...please help me to do that"....but no...all I hear most of the time is something on the lines of.."why won't he leave his wife and family for me" I'm sorry, but this is true. I rarely see someone on this forum asking for help in extricating themselves from their affair because they know it's wrong. Nope. These people are fine being the other person, sometimes for years. If you really think your MM/MW is ever going to really "be with you," don't you think they would have left their wife/husband by now? Because you continue in the illicit affair, you are condoning a man/woman sleeping around while married. What they come here for, for the most part, is to find other OW/OM to tell them what they're doing is okay so they can continue the affair and feel alright about doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 I am not saying sleeping with someone else's husband is a polite thing to do. Please don't be so stupid. I am not even here to make things worse, it's just that some of these people come here and actually ask for those BS or whatever not to bash them up on their threads, so I'm just saying why can't some of you just leave them alone? Let the ones who are/were in the same situation help them out. I did not sleep with my MM when he was still with his W because I know it isn't the right thing to do. But now that they are done with one another, I can do whatever I want with him. All these OW are asking for is to just lay off and go post your opinions elsewhere where it is really needed. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 I am not saying sleeping with someone else's husband is a polite thing to do. Please don't be so stupid. I am not even here to make things worse, it's just that some of these people come here and actually ask for those BS or whatever not to bash them up on their threads, so I'm just saying why can't some of you just leave them alone? Let the ones who are/were in the same situation help them out. I did not sleep with my MM when he was still with his W because I know it isn't the right thing to do. But now that they are done with one another, I can do whatever I want with him. All these OW are asking for is to just lay off and go post your opinions elsewhere where it is really needed. That's all. I'm right with you lyssa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TF Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 That's not gonna happen, so don't beat your head against a brick wall over it. What some OW/OM want to hear isn't what they really need to hear in others' opinions. They're gonna hear it all; the good, the bad, and the indifferent. If they don't like it, they don't have to internalize it. If, however, there is a kernel of truth in it that they recognize, it often makes them feel uncomfortable if they know deep in their heart that it's right, though something they don't want to hear. Maybe some need to hear it? Wouldn't it be better if some of these tough opinions made someone finally make the break they need so they can truly move on with their lives and find someone who isn't committed to another family; someone they can really build a life with out in the open, visible to all - something they don't have to hide? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 That's not gonna happen, so don't beat your head against a brick wall over it Lol - I'm not going to beat my head against a brick wall over something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 I am not saying sleeping with someone else's husband is a polite thing to do. Please don't be so stupid. I would say to you not to be so stupid as to tell me that is what I think you are saying. I am not even here to make things worse, it's just that some of these people come here and actually ask for those BS or whatever not to bash them up on their threads, so I'm just saying why can't some of you just leave them alone? Let the ones who are/were in the same situation help them out. I did not sleep with my MM when he was still with his W because I know it isn't the right thing to do. But now that they are done with one another, I can do whatever I want with him. Ok...so how does that in any way relate to what I said about people sleeping with other people's spouses and taking an entitlement attitude towards it? Your situation is not one to which I am referring. All these OW are asking for is to just lay off and go post your opinions elsewhere where it is really needed. That's all. So these OW that are looking for support to continue their affairs with MM and are looking for answers to make it better are needing what exactly? People here to tell them to hang in there and someday he will leave his family for her? Sure, the MM is the most to blame in this situation...but nobody is giving 2 shiits about the wife and kids in this situation...it is all...me me me!...its all about me! Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Ok...so how does that in any way relate to what I said about people sleeping with other people's spouses and taking an entitlement attitude towards it? Your situation is not one to which I am referring. You're right, it's not my situation but I think there is a number of OW out there who does not sleep with their MM. Just giving mine as an example. Sorry for doing that. So these OW that are looking for support to continue their affairs with MM and are looking for answers to make it better are needing what exactly? People here to tell them to hang in there and someday he will leave his family for her? Sure, the MM is the most to blame in this situation...but nobody is giving 2 shiits about the wife and kids in this situation...it is all...me me me!...its all about me! Yes, Bish - it is ALL about "ME, ME, ME and more about ME!!". Whatever floats their boats. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 As a BW, I come to this forum knowing that no matter what I say, it will be considered bashing because of who I am and not what I'm saying. I don't get defensive when others say that I'm a fool to have given my H a second chance, because I'm the one who is here with him and I'm the one who has worked with him to make our marriage stronger. I can't expect others who don't live with me to completely understand my life. I also can't completely understand anyone else situation here, but I can only answer the questions asked based on my own experience. Bish, IO and others have their POV that is based on their own true live experience. I came here to try and understand how the OW feels and I got a good idea of how my H's OW lives without ever having to see or talk to her. I would hope that a little insight into the life of the BS would be helpful to anyone in an affair that hasn't been where we are or have been. My opinions aren't meant to bash they are real life from the other side. An other side that does exist and if OW's could take a look at the pain that is caused for both the BW and the OW, then they would be more prepared for their own reality. I have always believed that we can learn from the actions and mistakes of others. You can call it bashing if you want, but it's real and it can be helpful if you care enough to listen. As far as the OP, there is nothing you can do right now. You are not part of the marriage. They need to make the next decision. If they decide to work on the marriage, then you need to accept that. If he loves you, he will find a way to be with you. It's kind of out of your hands at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 As far as the OP, there is nothing you can do right now. You are not part of the marriage. They need to make the next decision. If they decide to work on the marriage, then you need to accept that. If he loves you, he will find a way to be with you. It's kind of out of your hands at this point. Exactly. She's just a bystander at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Exactly. She's just a bystander at this point. Just like in the minds of some OW the wife is just an obstacle. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 WRONG WRONG WRONG AND WRONG AGAIN. The only fool in the triangle is the cheater and possibly the OP if they know the spouse is married. How on earth do you figure a loyal spouse who honors their vows is a fool? That's some screwed up logic there. Let me clarify. I did not mean the BS is a fool but rather she is made to look like a fool in the eyes of outsiders. Often the BS is the last person to find out about the affair. I know I was. People felt sorry for me and so concealed the truth from me. Having others look at you with pity is not a nice feeling. When a MM carries on in public with another women for all eyes to see he is of course making a fool of himself but he is also setting up his wife for commentaries such as, "She must be a fool not to know what is going on". He is displaying a lack of respect for her. His lack of caring about what other people will say or feel about his wife shows lack of character. There are two types of cheaters: the serial ones who just do it for kicks and instant gratification not giving a rat's arse about the consequences. He seeks validation outside the marriage constantly. It is his fix. IMO, women married to these types should get out pronto. Then there is the man who simply falls in love with another woman one unsuspecting day. He didn't plan on it. It just happened as a lot of things do in life. Sometimes life takes us in directions we neither hoped for or bargained for. This man owes it to his wife to either end the affair and work on his marriage or divorce his wife and start a new life with the woman he has fallen in love with. It is the only honest thing to do. Life is a constant state of flux and it is immature and ludicrous to expect things to stay the same forever. We can only hope for everlasting love and devotion whilst being prepared for the worst should it ever come to pass. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 There are two types of cheaters: the serial ones who just do it for kicks and instant gratification not giving a rat's arse about the consequences. He seeks validation outside the marriage constantly. It is his fix. IMO, women married to these types should get out pronto. I think, in most cases, these are the types people on this forum are involved with. I mean, really, when they say "I've been with my MM for two years, and we're really in love and he's going to leave his wife, but it's not time yet." OMG! Get an f'ing clue, for cryin' in the rain! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 And to the original poster here's my heartfelt advice. Let him be. Avoid getting entangled at whatever cost. Soon you will feel better, believe me. If it is meant to be, then, he will come clean and seek you out. Do not make yourself responsible for another hyman being's grief . You do not want to carry that burden. It is not a good foundation to build one's own happiness on. Draw on your own inner strength...it's there just waiting for you to discover. Things have a way of working out for the best.. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Let me clarify. I did not mean the BS is a fool but rather she is made to look like a fool in the eyes of outsiders. Often the BS is the last person to find out about the affair. I know I was. People felt sorry for me and so concealed the truth from me. . I had a completely different experience. The few people who found out my husband was fooling around thought HE had lost his mind to cheat on me, and that he was the fool, not me. Sort of like when I see these couples on talk shows sometimes and the wife is attractive, articulate, charming and her doofus husband is cheating on her, I'm thinking HE is cheating on HER? What a fool! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 I had a completely different experience. The few people who found out my husband was fooling around thought HE had lost his mind to cheat on me, and that he was the fool, not me. Sort of like when I see these couples on talk shows sometimes and the wife is attractive, articulate, charming and her doofus husband is cheating on her, I'm thinking HE is cheating on HER? What a fool! I see that in my neighborhood all the time, it breaks my sad little heart. Alot of men sometimes are doffuses' because they have true diamonds of a a human being that loves them and they S*** on them anyway. Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Even beautiful, articulate, interesting, charming women can be taken for fools. And love is not something that can be qualified in adjectives. It is just is. It just happens ...or (un) happens as the case may be. Link to post Share on other sites
gigi05270 Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 Just as a small piece of advice. I haven't read all the posts, so you may have received this already. Stop all contact. If he calls you ignore him. As a wife who found out one month today, I can assure that the devastation clouds our judgement and we are capable of almost anything. And 1 other thing, do not ever act as if you are a victim in this situation. The OW in my story is and it has set me off. Just be careful about what you say and who you say it to. You never know what might happen. And if I could just add something, a friend of mine married the man she was having an affair with a few years ago. It only took him 4 years to start cheating on her. If there is anything I can share with anyone from my experience it's to love yourself and not let some man define who you are. They are not worth losing yourself. And when you mess with a MM, you never know what the wife is capable of and in case she does get all mental, no man is worth being hurt physically by another woman. I do hope that you will find peace and move on to a man who will respect you. A MM who has an affair doesn't respect anyone, including himself. Link to post Share on other sites
shoesies05 Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 Hun, I think you deserve better than a guy who is married, but I'd stick it out for a little bit { month tops!} and see what happens in their marriage. If they try to work it out, then clearly the man is not taking you into consideration and you're not his 1st priority. I say if he doesnt leave his wife- then you deff. need to try and move on and meet a nice man who can devote himself to you and you alone. every woman deserves that. keep your hopes up- but dont waste your life away waiting for someone that most likely will not be there for you in the end. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
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