Messed Up While "On a Break"

[Kerruptor]

So,

my girlfriend of 4 years told me a week ago that we should go on a "break". We have dated since Sophmore year of High School, and are now both in our Sophmore year of College, at our respective colleges which are about 2 hours away from each other.

 

I asked her if we would be seeing other people, and she said she "didn't plan on it, but couldn't predict the future or promise anything". This really hurt me and devestated me, because for so long we had told each other we would someday get married, etc. etc.

 

I realize a few days later I want all or nothing. She could either be my girlfriend and there would be no break, or we just break up completely, and if we happen to get back together down the road, whenever that may be, so be it. She said she didn't want a long distance relationship, and that I had taken her for granted recently.

 

I did kind of take her for granted over the summer, but not intentionally. I was stuck between working every day, seeing my friends, and spending time with her. I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I would have liked, or she wanted for that matter.

 

Anyway, flash forward to a few nights ago. I'm completely upset, confused, and very drunk in addition. I want nothing more than to be with my girlfriend, and she knows this, but she insists she needs space and time.

 

I get very drunk at a party, meet some chick, and have sex with her later that night. I wake up the next morning, feeling like complete ****, and knowing it was a complete mistake. I knew it was a complete mistake during it too. It was terrible. I don't even know this girls name, and I hope I never see her again.

 

As sick as it sounds, it really made me realize that much more that I need her. I don't want to spend college having sex with random girls like a lot of guys do. I know I love my girlfriend, and want to be with her.

 

I'm seeing my girlfriend next weekend, and she has told me that if it's "all or nothing" for me, she wants to work things out because she knows Im the one for her.

 

I know that things would never be the same again if I told her about what happened over the break. I feel guilty, but I feel that I would be hurting her too much and hurting our relationship too much if I were to tell her. I think that when I see her this weekend we will most likely get back together, because she says if I can't stand to be in a break, then she thinks she wants to work it out, and she knows she wants to be with me forever.

 

 

I just don't think telling her would be beneficial to our relationship, and her feelings

 

Any comments/advice would be appreciated, thanks!

 

Craig

[Cobra_X30]

Come on! Is your GF going to break up with you every time you dont pay her enough attention??

 

I'd say at this point, just tell her the truth and see where it goes. I'd start putting up an emotional buffer if I where you.

 

LOL... It's funny but my first thought is to give you guy advice. Flip the situation back on her... ect. But I dont think thats what you want in the longrun. You want to try and make this work.

 

To do that you have be be honest with her... and you need to be prepared for a storm!

[bish]

Anyway, flash forward to a few nights ago. I'm completely upset, confused, and very drunk in addition. I want nothing more than to be with my girlfriend, and she knows this, but she insists she needs space and time.

 

She needs space and time...uh...there is a classic doublespeak for "I want other men".

 

 

I get very drunk at a party, meet some chick, and have sex with her later that night. I wake up the next morning, feeling like complete ****, and knowing it was a complete mistake. I knew it was a complete mistake during it too. It was terrible. I don't even know this girls name, and I hope I never see her again.

 

Well I hope you don't think it was a mistake because of your so-called gf. SHE was the one that wanted to go on "break"...remember? And she couldn't promise that she wouldn't be hopping in bed with another guy.

So you have nothing to feel guilty about. This was her doing.

 

Now as far as getting drunk and boning just anyone...well then ya, you probably should feel like that was a mistake since you compromised your principles. But it wasn't a mistake because of your situation with your "gf".

 

I'm seeing my girlfriend next weekend, and she has told me that if it's "all or nothing" for me, she wants to work things out because she knows Im the one for her.

 

She is realizing that she can't have her cake and eat it too and dangle you on a string.

 

But I'd still be bothered as to her wanting a "break". I think she thought she could get this "break" time, hook up with someone else, and feel no guilt. So neither should you.

 

I know that things would never be the same again if I told her about what happened over the break. I feel guilty, but I feel that I would be hurting her too much and hurting our relationship too much if I were to tell her.

 

Why? She was the one that wanted this "break"...and don't be naive to think that she doesn't want this break so she can hook up with other guys.

 

I think that when I see her this weekend we will most likely get back together, because she says if I can't stand to be in a break, then she thinks she wants to work it out, and she knows she wants to be with me forever.

 

 

I just don't think telling her would be beneficial to our relationship, and her feelings

 

If you were still committed...I'd say you need to tell her. But she wanted a "break" and what you do while on it is your business.

[chimuffin]

i really dont see the point in telling her about it. Of course if sex was unprotected then thats another story...hell you coulda gotten someone prego..or a STD..think about it. Then she deserves to know the truth

[Kerruptor]

Thanks for the advice/input guys, I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

The only reason I'm considering not telling her is because we were on a "break", and she couldn't promise me that she wouldn't hook up with other guys.

 

I kept telling her that's not what I wante, and she kept telling me "I'm not planning on hooking up with other guys, but who knows what will happen".

 

 

 

 

Now, a little over a week later, she's telling me she wants to resume the relationship again, and have it back to normal.

 

 

I think telling her would devestate her! For all I know she could have done the same thing during our "break", and I keep telling myself that if she did hook up with another guy, I hope I never find out!

 

 

 

So do you think not telling her about it is the best course of action?

[LakesideDream]

Come on Kerr, where does your emasculation end? You've been dating a gal since H.S. She decides she want's a "break" (as said earlier a break is female code for she wants to sample other available penii's) She sets the rules, you comply (resistance is futile).

 

Low and behold, you "hook up" with a college cutie and have an impromptu bang fest. So? You were playing by her rules when it happened.

 

Keep your mouth shut. It's none of her business. Believe me, if the life support system for a penis that she was curious about had panned out, she wouldn't be clamoring to have you "back".

 

Take your manhood back. You are letting her run your emotional life. Step in and take part yourself.

[reservoirdog1]

In your case, assuming STDs are a non-issue, I wouldn't tell her. The break was initiated by her, and it sounds like you had no real reason to think she particularly wanted to be with you. So you slept with somebody else because you missed her, but she kept up the "I need space" thing -- not exactly giving you much to hope for. Telling her won't help things.

 

Now, if she flat-out ASKS you if you slept with somebody else... I'm not sure what to answer.

 

I speak from experience. A year ago, I initiated a breakup with my GF of 4 months, mostly because even though she was a wonderful person, I felt like things were moving way too fast than I was ready for at that point, and that by staying with her, I'd just end up hurting her more. She was very hurt by the breakup. At the time I did it, however, I figured that was it between us, as lovers anyway.

 

For me, the idea of getting back into the dating world again was pretty unappealing. I made a half-assed effort that didn't amount to anything. (GF went on a couple of dates which she says didn't go beyond a meet-and-greet, and I believe her.) However, about six weeks after splitting from GF, I slept with a woman from out of town who was coming my way to visit (was supposed to be with two others but they cancelled, so it was just her and me).

 

A couple of weeks later, GF and I met up, at her suggestion, to try the "being friends" thing. We were very restrained and well-behaved that night, and nothing happened, but the physical and sexual tension was unbelievable. Plus I guess I realized what I'd had with her and that I didn't want to lose it. Long story short, we got back together and are still together, almost a year later.

 

However, shortly after we got back together, she asked if I'd slept with anybody else while we were apart. Rightly or wrongly, I said yes. I thought about denying it, of course, but didn't because (a) she's highly intuitive -- shockingly so at times, and (b) I'm a crappy liar and would have found it difficult to do so.

 

Though our relationship has advanced and deepened considerably since then (we're moving in together soon), what I did during our breakup has been a major problem between us. She feels "the same way she'd feel if I'd cheated on her" and it's taken a lot of talking to get beyond that. While I don't feel like I cheated on her since were broken up, I hate seeing her hurting because of me. If I could go back and undo my actions during the breakup, I would. I can't say I regret having answered her honestly, because if I hadn't, I think it would be a pall hanging over our relationship. (Which is kind of like what happened because I DID tell, but anyway...)

 

Not sure if this helps or not, but hopefully it's something to think about.

[Kerruptor]

Thanks you guys, those last 2 posts were really insightful and helpful.

 

 

Basically, I'd rather feel a little bit guilty and upset now than put her through grief for a long time.

 

 

Any further advice/insight is appreciated.

[love necessity]

Be totally honest....Would you want her to tell you if she slept w/ someone else?

 

If your answer was "yes" then you should tell her because it is only fair...

 

If you feel as though you would truly not care either way and wouldn't feel any different about her, then I think you are better off not telling her, but you do risk being insecure and you will probably have trust issues w/ her if you don't tell her the truth...If I were you...I would tell her, especially since you say you love her...If you love her, tell her...Give her the chance to decide whether or not she wants to stay w/ you after you slept w/ someone else...

 

I can see that you totally regret it, and that you are probably hurt by your actions, but it's only fair that she knows and that you tell her...

[Citizen Erased]

Normally I would say yes tell her,but in this instance I say no. She wanted the break, you gave her one. She wants to come back, you are letting her. She does not need to know anything beond that.

 

Only other advice I can give you is if you get back together, prepare yourself for her wanting another "break".

[bish]

Thanks you guys, those last 2 posts were really insightful and helpful.

 

 

Basically, I'd rather feel a little bit guilty and upset now than put her through grief for a long time.

 

 

Any further advice/insight is appreciated.

 

Yes, here is another piece...I wouldn't give a gf that wanted a "break" so that she could f#ck around a minute of my time or consideration.

 

Any gf that said she wanted a break I'd tell her..."stay on it...I'm out of here"

[bish]

Thanks for the advice/input guys, I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

 

The only reason I'm considering not telling her is because we were on a "break", and she couldn't promise me that she wouldn't hook up with other guys.

 

I kept telling her that's not what I wante, and she kept telling me "I'm not planning on hooking up with other guys, but who knows what will happen".

 

She is so full of shiit she could be a septic tank. Only reason she wants a "break" is to spread her legs for other guys. And it isn't for that "i need to find myself" bullshiit.

 

If she wants a break...give it to her....for good.

[JamesM]

I have to agree with the others. It is not necessary to tell her. By having a break, you two were no longer a couple.

 

My guess is that she did meet a guy during that break. Her reason for the break was to decide if this guy was who she wanted or if you were who she wanted.

She decided you. Now do you want her?

[oppath]

it isn't for that "i need to find myself" bullshiit.

 

 

Come on Bish, of course she needed to find herself....on dates, and in bed, with other men!

 

There is no guarantee there was some specific guy she wanted to explore while on a break, but she did probably feel constrained having to hold back her flirtations, etc, at a party. A break mostly means "I'm thinking about breaking up but am unsure if it is the right thing." It is an immature way of dealing with the problems. Either break up, or specifically tell your partner what you are unhappy about in the relationship, what needs aren't being met, and work on them together. The fact that she didn't do that well before suggesting a break is not a good sign.

 

If you do get back with her, make sure your needs are getting met.

[dropdeadlegs]

She initiated the break and couldn't make any guarantees. You are not honor bound to tell her.

 

I do think she will ask if you slept with anyone, though, so you need to be sure of how you want to deal with that.

 

As far as I'm concerned, when on a break, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

[bish]

She initiated the break and couldn't make any guarantees. You are not honor bound to tell her.

 

I do think she will ask if you slept with anyone, though, so you need to be sure of how you want to deal with that.

 

I'd tell her its none of her business...but then again, I wouldn't have taken her back anyway.

[Whyme_wtf]

I would not even wave goodbye.

[dropdeadlegs]

She initiated the break and couldn't make any guarantees. You are not honor bound to tell her.

 

I do think she will ask if you slept with anyone, though, so you need to be sure of how you want to deal with that.

 

I'd tell her its none of her business...but then again, I wouldn't have taken her back anyway.

I don't think it is any of her business, either. I do think that she will ask him, though, and he should have a plan as to how he intends to respond.

 

I don't do "breaks" anymore. Either you want to be with me or you don't. Regardless of my opinion, the OP wants to get back together and work things out.

 

I do suggest having an honest conversation about what feelings prompted her to ask for the break, and what has changed to cause her to rescind. If the core of this is not addressed and solved, the same issue(s) will come up again.

[DOA]

I know that you regret what you did, but sorry, if I were your gf and I found out what you did, I wouldn't want anything more to do with you.

 

If you think she's gonna wanna know stuff or that it'll be important to her, you better be upfront real early. Because it will only breed mistrust and insecurity later in the relationship if you knew you shoulda told and you didn't when you had the chance.

[DazedandConfused66]

If you feel guilty about what you did, guilt will eat you up over time if this really is meant to be a long term relationship (marriage). But that's an issue you have to decide how to deal with on your own terms.

 

But if she asks and you lie, that's building any future foundation on pure crap. I don't care what everyone else says about the nature of it happening while on a break....integrity is integrity. You either have it or you don't. There is no gray area. If she asks you, you'd better tell her the truth. Is she entitled to the truth? Maybe if you feel guilty about the incident, then she is "worth" knowing what happened when you weren't together, for however short of a period of time it was.

 

Be honest with each other. Deal with the consequences of your respective actions. If you screwed around and she didn't, she'll likely feel hurt and that could end any chance of second chances. But if you lie about it and she somehow finds out about it 3-5 years down the road while you talk in your sleep or something.....you've now screwed up two lives over what could easily have been dealt with earlier.

 

Man up to your actions. Don't lie if asked. If not....sorry, but you have decide what should and shouldn't be disclosed if you intend on having anything other than a casual relationship with this woman.

[bish]

I know that you regret what you did, but sorry, if I were your gf and I found out what you did, I wouldn't want anything more to do with you.

 

SHE is the one that wanted this "break" so she could go off and do whatever she wanted. Sure, she said something to the effect of "I have no plans on it, but I can't promise anything" with regards to hooking up with other guys is just a line of BS.

 

She wants this break so she can pursue other guys....so then so can he. Fair game...he is playing by her rules and she will have no right to complain. Sure she could choose not to be with him after he played by her rules...but then she'd be nothing but a hypocrite.