I lost my virginity during a one night stand with a friend who has a girlfriend

[rooseveltjezebel]

This is kind of thing that I never expected to happen to me. Although I am 23, I am still considered to be the "good girl" who never does anything wrong. If they only knew...

 

I met this guy about 5 years ago and we became pretty good friends. He had a girlfriend he'd been seeing for a year, whom I later met and really like. Before this weekend, I had only seen the guy 2 to 3 times in the past 3.5 years, but we had been able to talk and catch up during the times we saw eachother.

 

The guy, who has now been seeing his girlfriend for 6 years (with the past 2 years being long distance), called me last week and said we should get together. I agreed, and one of my girlfriends and I went out to his house on Friday where he and some of his friends were hanging out and drinking. We had a lot of fun, so I decided to go out with them again the next night. After we went out, the guy and I went to his house and ended up making out and I stayed the night with him. The next morning, while fully sober, I lost my virginity to him. That was Sunday; today is Tuesday. He hasn't called.

 

I know he isn't going to leave his girlfriend, and I don't want him to, but I just want to talk to him and know that we can be friends again. I'm really worried that he regrets it all and blames me. I want him to respect me - but I guess I can see why he wouldn't, as I myself have lost repect for the person I am. But, in all honesy, I kind of want it to happen again, although, I know it can't become a regular thing. Mostly, I just want him to call so we can talk and be friends. What do you think he's thinking? Do you think he'll call? Should I call? I don't know what to think or do...

[Green]

my god there are alot of female virgins all of a suden.. or shal i say there wer... This guy is horible news, I may be wrong but not calling the day after sex is usualy a big faux pas. Look thats hot woke up in the morning and had sex. Look if your social and even mildly attractive some time this month you can have a guy who will have sex with you at night, wake up in the morning and have sex with you again, and then later call you at work and screw you during break. thats what I like to call the heated begining phase of a relationship. what it sounds like youve entered is the rejection phase of a one night stand... the part where u dont get called after the sex... Look forget this guy he's rude at this point the best you can hope for is to become his booty call... go get some guy where you can have the other thing...

[rooseveltjezebel]

Thanks for the feedback. Are there any others who agree/disagree that not calling after sex is a faux pas?

[northguyman]

I don't see the problem with calling him yourself. It'll help you know where you two stand, and it will releive a lot of your stress in not knowing.

 

But in my opinion I think that you shouldn't worry about it because if he has a G/F then he wouldn't be worth the trouble.

 

If you are a "good girl" then you should look for a guy who would actually treat you good. There are guys out there that will you just have to look.

[norajane]

A guy who has sex with you and doesn't call the next day is not a friend.

 

And you shouldn't be so eager to be his friend, since he's a cheater, liar (I'm sure he didn't call his girlfriend the next day to tell her all about it), an ass (for not calling you after you had sex), and a user (he used you for sex since he and his gf are long distance).

[rooseveltjezebel]

I guess I know all that's true...it's just hard to make myself really believe it. He told me that he and his girlfriend have an "agreement" that they can do this; they just don't tell eachother about it. Do you think that was just a line?

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh yes indeed that is a line. Until I read that last post, I was ready to say maybe he is feeling awkward about how to handle the situation, etc.

 

But feeding you the line that they have "an agreement" means he was playing you. Move on!

[rooseveltjezebel]

Oh yes indeed that is a line. Until I read that last post, I was ready to say maybe he is feeling awkward about how to handle the situation, etc.

 

But feeding you the line that they have "an agreement" means he was playing you. Move on!

 

 

I think I would have like the "he is feeling ackward" response better... Sigh....

[norajane]

I guess I know all that's true...it's just hard to make myself really believe it. He told me that he and his girlfriend have an "agreement" that they can do this; they just don't tell eachother about it. Do you think that was just a line?

 

Think about this. Out of all the girls you know, how many would make such an arrangement with a guy they've been dating for 6 years? Does that sound realistic to you, really?

 

It's a line! A cheater's line!

[rooseveltjezebel]

Think about this. Out of all the girls you know, how many would make such an arrangement with a guy they've been dating for 6 years? Does that sound realistic to you, really?

 

It's a line! A cheater's line!

 

When you put it that way I see what you mean. I'm probably the only idiot in the world who would believe such a line...

 

It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about the nice things I told him, like I was willing to loose it to him because he had been a good friend and I trusted him.

 

I'm so stupid! Which I guess is why I'm still waiting for a call that I'll probably never get....

[LucreziaBorgia]

He told me that he and his girlfriend have an "agreement" that they can do this; they just don't tell eachother about it. Do you think that was just a line?

 

 

Yes. I used it myself numerous times in my bad old cheater days. It is a way to convince someone to sleep with you, when they might not otherwise because you are in a relationship with someone else. Other tactics to convince an OW/OM to sleep with you are (and prepare to hear this from this guy if he still wants to sleep with you and is meeting some sort of resistance):

 

1. convince OW/OM that your relationship is sexless

2. convince OW/OM that there is no passion in your relationship

3. convince OW/OM that you do not sleep in the same bed

4. convince OW/OM that you only stay in the R out of guilt because the BP might 'hurt themselves' or something else along that line

5. convince OW/OM that you never loved the BP at all and were somehow coerced or forced into being with them, and are equally forced to stay with them now

 

Man, I could go on and on. And you know what? These tactics work every single time, especially when the seduction takes place over time - it is fairly rare when they do not work.

 

How do they keep you around?

 

1. Convince OW/OM that you are considering leaving your relationship for them. Nearly always OW/OM will hear the "leaving" and ignore the "considering" part. People who cheat and don't intend to leave count on that.

2. Convince OW/OM that they are the only true happiness they know and have ever known - and that life would simply be bleak without them. This guilts OW/OM into staying longer than they would otherwise.

 

... and so on. Your love for the cheater is your undoing in the end. It traps you like crack traps a crack addict. The cheater? He's the dealer who keeps handing out the crack...

 

Now, you won't hear a single person tell you that cheaters do this deliberately - but in the end, does it matter what the motivation is? They are doing it, aren't they? As long as you spend your time with someone who isn't leaving, and focusing on their motivations for being with you, you will continue to blind yourself to the truth: that you are an option, not a priority and nor will you ever be.

 

As for 'friends'? If he was your friend in the true sense, he wouldn't have slept with you. I expect you were always a potential lay - he was just waiting for the right time. I can tell you this - even in my worst cheating days, if I was friends in the true sense with a male, no amount of convincing would make me want to sleep with him. If he was a 'friend' in the sense of a potential hook up then eventually we'd hook up. Don't place too much hope in being 'friends' with this guy. Any chance you had at that ended the second he started planning to sleep with you with that first phone call.

[Micke81]

When you put it that way I see what you mean. I'm probably the only idiot in the world who would believe such a line...

 

It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about the nice things I told him, like I was willing to loose it to him because he had been a good friend and I trusted him.

 

I'm so stupid! Which I guess is why I'm still waiting for a call that I'll probably never get....

 

Don't be to hard on yourself. You wanted to believe it, it's makes it easier to believe. There is a slight (albeit very slight) potential he is telling the truth, although the "we don't tell each other" makes it nearly impossible that he is telling the truth. Hubby and I had one of those deals, but it was "as long as well tell each other". If you plan to get involved with him again, make him tell her about it, and be in on the conversation, even if she doesn't know you are. But honestly, it's probably not true. Even if it is, you are going to develop feelings for this guy and get hurt if you keep up what you are doing. The smartest thing to do is to walk away.

[rooseveltjezebel]

 

1. Convince OW/OM that you are considering leaving your relationship for them. Nearly always OW/OM will hear the "leaving" and ignore the "considering" part. People who cheat and don't intend to leave count on that.

 

 

 

As for 'friends'? If he was your friend in the true sense, he wouldn't have slept with you. I expect you were always a potential lay - he was just waiting for the right time. I can tell you this - even in my worst cheating days, if I was friends in the true sense with a male, no amount of convincing would make me want to sleep with him. If he was a 'friend' in the sense of a potential hook up then eventually we'd hook up. Don't place too much hope in being 'friends' with this guy. Any chance you had at that ended the second he started planning to sleep with you with that first phone call.

 

What's crazy is that he even said he would go back to her when it was all said and done, and yet, I still went through with it.

 

Maybe, you are right and we never were friends. He said something along the lines of being attracted to me for a while now, and I was attracted to him, too.

 

I guess in a lot of ways, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew he'd never leave his girlfriend. I kind of knew he'd looked at me as a "potential hookup." What I didn't know is how hard it would be to handle my first time just being casual sex. I guess I want us to be friends so that, even though it will probably never happen again, I don't feel so cheap and disrespected. I'm not really sure if any of that makes sense...

[rooseveltjezebel]

Thanks for all the help everyone. It's so good to be able to get an outside perspective. Most of my friends are friends with him and his girlfriend, so I can't exactly talk to them about it.

 

I do have another question. I am guessing the answer to the question is no, but I have to ask, should I call or text him?

[curiousnycgirl]

Personally I would not reach out to him. However if you do - it should ONLY be to say that the two of you can still be casual friends, no hard feelings, no repeat performances (get rid of any expectations he may have) - and that you hope to see him around at some point.

 

THAT IS IT.

 

And I only suggest that if you think there may be times where all your friends are getting together and it might get awkward with him.

[norajane]

I do have another question. I am guessing the answer to the question is no, but I have to ask, should I call or text him?

 

What for???

[rooseveltjezebel]

What for???

 

Truthfully, I'd be calling because I'm having a hard time convincing myself that he is the player everyone has made him out to be. (Although, I know if I were on the outside I'd be saying the exact same thing, so I'm not sure why I can't make myself belive it.) The other reason I want to call is that even if he didn't say what I want to hear or didn't return my call, at least I would really know where I stand, and hopefully I'd be able to convice myself that everything you guys are saying about him is true.

[Green]

You need to not call. best you can hope for if you call is to prolong this situation of misery and maybe more casual sex. Look it was your first time your probably feeling some strong feelings toward him, you might even be hornier then ever... with that said dont call follow my previouse advice or ill dis own u

[norajane]

Truthfully, I'd be calling because I'm having a hard time convincing myself that he is the player everyone has made him out to be. (Although, I know if I were on the outside I'd be saying the exact same thing, so I'm not sure why I can't make myself belive it.) The other reason I want to call is that even if he didn't say what I want to hear or didn't return my call, at least I would really know where I stand, and hopefully I'd be able to convice myself that everything you guys are saying about him is true.

 

You already know where you stand - on the outside of his relationship with his gf.

 

And you also know where you stand because HE hasn't called YOU.

 

And if you call, you run the risk of giving him the impression that you're easy and available for more casual, no-strings attached sex. He'll be happy to hear from you because he'll know he's got you, and if he plays his cards right, he'll have you back in his bed for more booty. Basically, if you call him, that's what he's going to assume you're calling for, and he'll be friendly and casual and make up some reason why he couldn't call you, and you'll believe the reason, and you'll think he's all nice and you won't KNOW where you stand because he didn't call YOU, he's just taking advantage of the fact that you called him...

 

Look, he's not very likely going to come out and tell you that he used you. He'll play it cool and hope to use you again.

[rooseveltjezebel]

he didn't call YOU, he's just taking advantage of the fact that you called him...

 

Look, he's not very likely going to come out and tell you that he used you. He'll play it cool and hope to use you again.

 

Not this has a lot to do with the situtation, but what I don't get is why he wouldn't have called me by now if his plan is to use me. It looks like calling would be more effective than waiting for a call. I know that's a random question, I'm just trying to understand the mindset...

[norajane]

Not this has a lot to do with the situtation, but what I don't get is why he wouldn't have called me by now if his plan is to use me. It looks like calling would be more effective than waiting for a call. I know that's a random question, I'm just trying to understand the mindset...

 

You've got it backwards. He already used you, that's why he's not calling.

 

If he wanted to use you AGAIN, he might call. But it takes balls for him to call to use you again since he already knows he used you once, and is probably thinking you might have figured that out by now. But you'll make it real easy for him if you call HIM - then he knows you're up for it again.

[rooseveltjezebel]

You've got it backwards. He already used you, that's why he's not calling.

 

If he wanted to use you AGAIN, he might call. But it takes balls for him to call to use you again since he already knows he used you once, and is probably thinking you might have figured that out by now. But you'll make it real easy for him if you call HIM - then he knows you're up for it again.

 

That makes sense. It's going to be hard, but I'm really going to try not to call. How long is it going to take me to get over this? It seems like it's all I think about anymore.

[Green]

whate state are you in, sounds south

[rooseveltjezebel]

whate state are you in, sounds south

 

Kind of south. What makes you think southern? Do I have a typing accent?

[jtalia]

I would have to say, speaking from experience, it would not be worth calling him. You would only be getting more involved and then finding it harder to get away from him. It is hard to forget, especially when you are attracted to him. But trust me, it isn't worth it in the end. It will consume you if you let it. Try to get on with your life. If he cheated on her with you, then he will cheat again. And if you guys were to get together, he would probably do it again.