Ex issues blew-up a week before the wedding, do I not respect him?

[bigbump]

Hi,

 

I was divorced three years ago and I am getting married in a week again.

 

Last night as my boyfriend and I were clearing stuff out from the house and I found out that he actually still keeps an oil painting that was given to him by his ex. The painting portrays his ex herself posing seductively lying down (she is wearing a low cut top with one of the shoulder strap slides off echoeing an enjoyed eyes-closed month opened facial expression). Later I ask him what he is going to do with it, he said he would put it away. I hinted to him to get rid of it because I don't feel comfortable with it around. He refused. He said "It is only a painting. I don't look at it at all in years. It is a gift and I don't throw away gifts. That's just the way how I am brought up." I told him that I am upset and feel that my feelings have been ignored. And he responded, "I am not in love with her, we are getting married next week! How come you can't seem to be able to accept there are some differences in the way how we handle things differently. My relations with my ex is passed and it has nothing to do with you. I am doing my best but sometime I find that you have expectations that are unrealistic."

 

We had a similar issues before with him keeping pictures of his ex's in his computer. He deleted them right away in front of me.

 

Am I being totally rediculeous here to ask him to rid stuffs from his ex (I don't mind if it is a normal less representing object but with the painting I really don't feel comfortable knowing that it is around the house even it's not shown)? Am I too obsessive that I don't leave him any room for himself? Am I not respecting him or does he not care or even understand how I feel? I know that he does not see or talk or communicate with any of his ex's since he met me and he has been a very sweet loving man. But I feel everytime I request something and if he doesn't like it he makes me feel bad about asking or that I am wrong to even ask or I have no right to feel the way I feel. The more I think about it, the more I am getting cold feet getting married next week....

 

Being the second time I will get married, as the day approaches, I don't doubt that I have given more thoughts and could be critical on him.

I would love to hear your views on what you have observed in his behaviour or mine. With handling the wedding these days I am too much involved and I can't seem to figure it out myself.

 

Thank you very much for reading my long post and I appreciate and value all your help.

[Art_Critic]

You should not ask him to get rid of something from a past relationship.. it is part of his past.. unless of course it is something intimate like a porn video or nude pictures they made..

 

A painting isn't any of those..

 

As long as he places the painting out of the way like in the attic then let it go...

 

You cannot expect a person to just ignore that they have a past and have mementos from that period..

People keep things from their past that remind them of times in their life that they want to keep those memories..

 

I will say though that it must be put away.. not in plain view.. the same type of place that he would keep his child hood photos and such...

[norajane]

I agree with Art. As long as he puts it somewhere way out of the way, then it's just a memento from his history.

 

I have all kinds of stuff from past relationships, including a huge box of letters from my first serious bf. I never look at them; they just sit in a box that I've moved from house to house over the years. I don't throw them away because they are part of my history, just like my high school yearbooks, old concert tickets, and all the pictures I put in my various photo albums over the years, including pics of me with my exes on various vacations or at parties or wherever. Keeping those letters and pictures isn't about the exes - it's about me and my journey through life.

[squeak]

I agree with ac and norajane, it is some dusty old painting in a dusty old closet, I really doubt he goes and looks at it. And he tried to compromise as much as possible by deleting old pictures, I know it is hard to follow if I say "don't be threatened" but really it is just a silly painting. Maybe you can even secretly laugh at how corny she must have been to have posed like that. It sounds funny to me. Don't you think it is funny? Just a little? Further proof of how you are not some cornball ex and he is with you maybe because of that too?

 

But I understand, you feel he is not going along with your simple request therefore it must mean so ando so, but it doesn't!

 

He is a seperate person from you who has a way of going about things that you may not.....and it does not mean he has any old feelings for her. Consider yourself lucky, he does not even keep in touch with her. Take his word for it-he just does not like to throw out gifts....a gift that is gathering dust in an attic or garage. So what!!!

 

Enjoy your wedding, it is not like the painting is on display--then I would say to worry!

 

If you find yourself getting angry about it just think of the whole "ooh my shoulder strap is falling down look at my fake sexy pout face, I paid to get this painted to give to my man" and see some humour in it!

 

That is one of the reasons why he is marrying YOU and not HER!!

[bigbump]

Thank you for all your views, Art, Norajane and Squeak. I thought about it and you folks are right.....when I think about myself also keeps stuff like old letters from my ex and pictures...for the same reason, I do smack myself on the face and say, this doesn't mean I still have feelings for my ex, this has become part of my history, part of the growing up and learning experiences, that's all they mean to me now. Now I understand that it is the same for him.

 

Yes Squeak, I do agree that the painting does makes me laugh a little, with that kind of posture and my boyfriend said she did the painting by herself.... oh boy you got to have some kind of imagination....

 

I guess, this espisode could be a classic exemple of my hidden insecurities that I had about myself, just like everyone else on this planet. As the wedding day appoaches, my haunting divorce experience may also have helped to provoke it. Even though I always knew in my heart I can trust my boyfriend, he is an absolutely wonderful man and I want to have a family with him. But I guess, there was this little voice at the back of my head telling me that I am afraid of making the same mistake twice... marrying the wrong guy and end up getting hurt again. So undeliberatey I became more critical on him these days and tried to look for an excuse/ reason not to go through another marriage.

 

I am glad that now I have cleared the fog and have regained my visions and awareness of myself. I have apologised to my boyfriend and we had a little talk. He says he understands and still loves the woman of his life!

 

Thanks so much for all your help. I am sure I will enjoy my wedding next week!