Is a break the end of a long distance relationship

[omit]

I have been dating this girl for two years, we meet while i was an exchange student in America.

 

We see each other at spring break christmas and summer.

 

This summer i went to see her it was fun we went through a few problems. firstly she would have to work and i would go to a baseball game with her dad. She would not come home from work she would stay at her aunts.

 

I talked to her about it and asked if she cud just call me and let me know shes not coming home. She didnt see why she should have to let me know and continued to do this once in a while. All i wanted was a phone call to say hey im not going to be home im with my aunt.

 

Second problem was she meet her old friend from high school and ever since that he was texting her the whole two months i was there non stop she was even getting txts from him in the middle of the night. We talked about and she felt she was doing nothing wrong. She said he was a looser and nothing to worry about. I felt he was interested in her and her replying was feeding his interest.

 

 

 

This all hurt, recently since i have come home our contact has been less n less. Tyring to talk to her on web calm was getting frustrating she would not be paying attention to our conversations.

 

Just recently she decied she wanted a break, the conversation seemed to be going towards breaking up, she was crying and up set and telling me she loves me but needs to sort her self out. She would almost say shes breaking up but say she loves me at the same time.

 

We came to the conclusion that a break would be an idea, her reasons are she thought i was nagging her about going to her aunts for the night and texting this guy. Felt that i was constantly questioning her actions.

 

She also felt that she needed time to grow up she is 20, and said she needs to sort things out in her head.

 

She said she was struggeling with the distance

 

I can understand this and have been gathering my self to move on but then she e mails me and says she loves me and that im the one she wants, shes sorry for how it came out, that it was coming and that she just needs a break. She also said that its her and not me and that nothing i have done has lead to this.

 

I love her very much but im trying not to hang on to this e mail as a hope of it being ok. I am sorry if this is all coming out in a bundle i find it difficult to talk about. We were ingaged and i would do any thing for her. I am struggeling not to contact her but i know its for the best.

 

Some times i feel like i should of said nothing about the txting and the not coming home.

 

I have a few questions?

 

1. is a beak the end?

 

2. when she says its her and not me does that mean she no longer loves me

 

3. is there a good length of time to leave a situation like this

 

4. your opinion on the situation

 

Thank you for reading im sorry if its not clear my problem

[oppath]

1. is a break the end?

 

Not necessarily, but usually a break means "I'm thinking about breaking up but that would be too difficult because I don't know how to act assertive and cut the cord and be on my own, so I'm going to just distance myself and talk to you when I get a little lonely, so I don't feel like a bad person, until we finally do break up."

 

2. when she says its her and not me does that mean she no longer loves me

 

No, but it means her romantic feelings are changing. She feels less romantic love for you and doesn't know how to tell you.

 

3. is there a good length of time to leave a situation like this

 

1 week. Then tell her "I don't want a break, I want to be together. If you are uncertain, we should just break up. It's not fair to put me on the back burner waiting."

 

She is 20, she does have a lot she needs to learn about herself, particularly how to break up with you or at least communicate her feelings or needs. She is doing a 20-year-old job of that! She does have some growing to do.

 

As for the texts from the guy: absolutely, I gut won't do that unless he is interested. I do text my female friends but not late at night if I know they have a boyfriend. Does he even know about you?

 

As for sleeping at her Aunt's: it is not unreasonable, if you are in the country for a short period of time to visit her, for her to let you know where she will be staying. I'm 27, and if I'm visiting family they still worry about me. If there is any chance I won't come home, I just say "I might not be coming home tonight" and they don't worry. It is not unreasonable to receive a text, for example, that says "good night babe. I'm sleeping at my aunt's tonight. I miss you and will talk to you tomorrow."

[omit]

Yes this guy who was texting her did know about me. She didnt want him to know we were engaged because he was a guy friend and might get wierded out. I met the guy at a party, he stayed away from me at first we talked once but he came across as typicaly immature. She has a lot of guy friends and i got on well with them but none of them would txt t this extent.

 

I had planed and convinced my self she was the one for me. right now i feel like a swing, when your sitting on it and twisting it round and round to let it swing slowly back the right way. coming apart it sounds sad but i cant help it.

 

The whole texting thing broke my heart, but i stuck it out for the two months. I would agree with you she is typicaly being 20.

 

Is there away i can get her back, im in ireland and she is in californua i feel a little helpless.

 

I thought about getting my student loan and flying out to see her would that just not help?

 

I would be afraid that i could get there and find she is moving on and im in the way.

[Island Girl]

Yes this guy who was texting her did know about me. She didnt want him to know we were engaged because he was a guy friend and might get wierded out.

 

If you were getting married to the person you loved and knew was the right one for you, would you really care what some other girl thought? Friend or not her allegiance should have been to you and your commitment. After all, it would be the two of you going through life together -- not the three of you.

 

That was a big red flag that she didn't want to let him know she was "off the market".

 

As far as knowing about you -- as far as you know she told him you were someone she is seeing or a "boyfriend" but you do not know what she said to him as far as the level of commitment.

 

Texting her late at night is a problem. It shows disrespect to you and your relationship. He either did not know how involved you really were (sounds like the case - she didn't tell him) OR he didn't care (which then becomes her responsibility to stop the disrespectful behavior - she didn't - in fact she encouraged it by texting back - which shows her very disrespectful behavior to you).

 

Is there away i can get her back, im in ireland and she is in californua i feel a little helpless.

 

As painful as it is the best thing you can do is do nothing. As far as she is concerned - leave it as is. No contact and try to keep busy. Move on because this may be the end. If it isn't - she'll have to be the one to initiate it and you must not jump right in when or if she does. She'll have even less respect for you if you do. And without respect you become a doormat. Relationships with doormats do not succeed.

 

The best thing you can do is not chase her - not beg her to come back - and get on with living. I hate to tell you this but she is. She is living out her possibilities and so you must do the same.

 

I thought about getting my student loan and flying out to see her would that just not help?

 

Do not waste your money. At this point that is what it would be. Unfortunately she is being very immature and is having thoughts of what she is missing out on instead of what she has. So she sees everything as "the grass is greener".

 

I would be afraid that i could get there and find she is moving on and im in the way.

 

I'm afraid you are right. Just realize that most relationships fail. Instead of turning into marriage. Chances are she is dating another person and is headed for a break up she just doesn't see it coming.

 

And the first person she'll reach out to when it blows up in her face will probably be you. That is why you can't just jump right back in.

 

As much as you may want to -- don't. Make her earn her way back to that level of commitment. Keep her at a distance until she proves her sincerity (for a while) because she treated you pretty badly.

 

I am sorry it hurts so much. It will get better -- I know everyone says that but it is true.

[Clam_chowder]

For a girl to not tell a guy she is engaged because she'd think he'd get weirded out is a pretty good indicator that something is happening. Breaks during a LDR are really really hard, because no matter what you just cannot have any physical contact with that person comared to regular relationships. Personally, I would never go on a break, if they suggested it I would just out right tell them that they either tell me they want to leave or not. Then again, you are engaged so that's a totally different story.