Wtf Is Going On?

[bugggies]

I need help!

I just happened across this web site it seem to be a wonderful source of knowledge and advice. I truly hope someone out there can relate or help in the issues I'm having.

My husband (actually we only have common law marriage) have been dating for the last 10 years,we were both 16 when we first started dating, we have a 6 year old child(thats why common law was set up.

I have been a stay at home mom for almost the whole time my child's been alive, My husband has almost insisted on me staying home and raising our child, I have always had the option to find and pay for a daycare or a babysitter so i could join the workforce, the only problem with that is it would not be financially smart. I would pay more in child care and the cost of getting to work than I would actually make.My husband is also very protective, possessive, (I might have to deal with other men if I left the house and joined the working world). O.K. and the point of all that was I am 26 with not very many life skills.

We are having our 10 year anniversary this coming weekend. I thought It would be a good time to actually get married. I asked him and he stared blankly at me or through me. Wow OK so i pushed a little at this point, " Is that a yes or a no" finally got an answer "whats a piece of paper gonna prove, we are married in Gods eyes". I have been hearing this same answer for the past at least 6 years and I was content with the answer, I actually agreed with it. Then i started thinking its just a piece of paper what's the big deal, why not just go to the court house get it and have that "silly piece of paper". I expressed this to him and he just clammed up. so every day for the past week I have tried to come up with little questions , just 1 or 2 a day to figure out what his thought process is.

Slowly this is some of the things that Finlay came out after directly asking.

I was his first and hopefully his only at least so far, so that led to the question are you resentful that you never went and "sowed your wild oats"? His response was "yeah I regret not parting more".

Are you happy with me and our little family? "I am OK with the situation".

Are you looking for something better or more fun " I am not going to go and try to get laid"

Do you want to go be wild? "How would that work?" It wouldn't.

These are just some of the main questions just to get the jest of what he is thinking.

I was hurt. i thought he was Happy. The old saying goes " Don't ask if you don't want the answer" well I haven't asked before and now we are 10 years into the relationship and I'm afraid he is done. He says he Loves me and wants to be with me but I'm getting mixed signals. I'm am so confused.

Are there better questions to ask? Should I just give up and leave? Just call it Quits after 10 years?

I am sorry i "stole" his wild days. But it was also his choice. Should I be worried that he is cheating or going to cheat? How would I know? I am at home most all of the time. My Friends are people I met through him so they would not say anything.

I just don't really know how to interpret these things.

He is a contractor for the oil rigs he does not have set hours of work. The cell service is not good here at all and yes I have checked the usage on it. He is never on the computer. He has always been verbally and passionately against cheating.

The final question is, Is this gonna work with whats been said. Can I trust him. I am so confused and hurt.

Thank you for taking the time to read this any advise is much appreciated.

[justfine]

I'm very sorry to hear about your most difficult situation. It appears to me that your S.O. is bored with your relationship and is just going thru the motions. Given your situation, I think it is probably a bad idea to get married at this point.

 

I think it would be a good idea for you and your S.O. to seek counseling. You may also want to speak to a family law attorney to find out your rights. You're certainly entitled to child support and perhaps even spousal support.

 

The good news is that you're still very young. At 26, you have plenty of time to meet someone new, someone who will appreciate you, someone who will truly love you.

[bugggies]

HE will not go to counseling. So I guess the only other thing to do is bow out as gracefully as I can? What should I tell my child? If or when we do split my child and I will move over 500 miles away back to where I have some support. I just HURT so very badly where did I go wrong? He is ALL I KNOW. I am so very scared.

[ookla_2]

I feel your pain.

 

My H and I were together for 6 years, parents for 4, before we finally got married. I really didn't think it would ever happen...I just gave up worrying about it.

 

Does your (common law) H get a lot of pressure from his or your family to go ahead and marry you? I know mine did, and it was almost like a rebellious thing on his part....he wasn't going to do what everyone else was telling him to do....he was going to do things HIS way.

 

If it really bothers you that much (and I can understand if it does), you may have to issue an ultimatum. Be prepared though, because if you do, you will have to stick with it. Can you let him know how important it is to YOU to be married? How all this talk of wild oats, etc, is painful to you? Your feelings need to be considered in all of this as well, not just his.

 

I know you don't want to split up with the father of your child. Do not put your feelings last though. If you do...you will continue to do it for years and years and will end up with a sh*tpile of resentment that you may not be able to overcome.

 

Best of luck to you....let us know how everything turns out.

[curiousnycgirl]

WOW that's a huge leap from asking to make it official to being ready to leave! Why wouldn't you have a serious discussion with him, rather than periodic fishing?

 

Tell him that while the piece of paper was not important to you before, it is now, and ask what his objections to it are. You should further tel him that you are now feeling a bit insecure in his feelings/committment to you - so you really need to understand where he is coming from, etc.

 

Depending on how that goes - you'll know what to do next. Good luck!

[CAT100]

" Is that a yes or a no" finally got an answer "whats a piece of paper gonna prove, we are married in Gods eyes". I have been hearing this same answer for the past at least 6 years and I was content with the answer, I actually agreed with it.

 

Are you both religious? Im just thinking that if you are RC (Roman Catholic) then the church does not consider you married unless you have been married by a priest?

In fact the RC Church doesnt even recognise a registry office wedding as a proper 'Marriage', this is why if you have married in a registy office,and divorce, then you can remarry in a Church. But if you marry in a Church & divorce you cannot remarry in a Church- as the Church considers your vows binding until death (and so you first marriage cannot be 'undone')

I thought this may be useful as if he is religious you can approach it from a religious angle- ie tell him you do want to be married in the eyes of God but the only way to do so would be to actually get a priest to marry you?

[quankanne]

In fact the RC Church doesnt even recognise a registry office wedding as a proper 'Marriage', this is why if you have married in a registy office,and divorce, then you can remarry in a Church. But if you marry in a Church & divorce you cannot remarry in a Church- as the Church considers your vows binding until death (and so you first marriage cannot be 'undone')

 

ummm, actually the church does recognize a civil marriage as a licit union, but it just isn't considered "valid" because it is not sacramentally valid. There's a little thing you can do to convalidate your marriage, but you first must establish that both parties are free and clear to do so.

 

as in, if you've had a civil marriage and divorce, but never had that marriage sacramentally anulled (it's considered a sacramental union if it was the first marriage for both parties, either through another church or by civil law), then you are not able to remarry until the first marriage is declared "in-valid."

 

it gets a bit tricky, especially when one or both parties isn't Catholic, but it all stems from marriage being considered a sacrament in the Church.

 

back to the original question: It's time for the two of you to have a good talk about your relationship, about why he refuses to get married. is it becuase he's too lazy to go through with a civil ceremony? Is he currently married and can't remarry until a divorce comes through? Is he against a civil marriage for personal reasons? You're never going to figure out what's going trough his brain until you ask him point blank.

 

chances are, he's not *unhappy* but has gotten lazy about the relationship and sees putting effort into it as unnecessary work when you're already considered legally bound in the eyes of the state.

 

at which point, you need to ask what you'll settle for. Do you want to be married to this man? Do you feel you need to be for legal reasons so that your child and yourself are protected in the event of death or illness?

[annabelle75]

Ok ... something you said really rubbed me the wrong way. It would be good if you stopped and thought about it. If you leave, why do you get to take your child and move him 500 miles away from his dad? What right do you have to do that? He is as much his child as he is yours. How could that be good for your child?

 

Even if you do end the relationship because you don't think his heart is in it anymore (even though I think it is a huge leap from "will you marry me?" to "let's break up"), it doesn't automatically mean you get to do whatever is easiest for you. I was married for eight years and moved to another state to be with my ex-H. I'm still in that state now because we share a daughter and I know I have no right to take her away from her dad just because our marriage failed. Stop and think of what is best for your child, not just you. Also, the courts may not agree with you leaving the state with the child either. What if he wants joint custody?

 

It really bothers me everytime I see a mother just assume she has a right to take a child away from their father becasue the relationship didn't work out. Later they usually complain that the father wasn't more involved the child's life when the reality is that they are the ones that caused it.

 

Stop and think before you just assume what should happen.

[justpassingthrough]

I couldn't help but focus on your husband's response (and, yes, he is your husband - warts and all). Myself, I'll never "marry" again, but I sure will civil union with someone. There's a difference.

[norajane]

No, of course you shouldn't leave! He didn't say anything earth-shattering when you asked him what was going on. Just because he's not ecstatically thrilled with life at the moment, and not wanting to get married, doesn't mean you need to toss the entire relationship down the drain immediately!

 

I was his first and hopefully his only at least so far, so that led to the question are you resentful that you never went and "sowed your wild oats"? His response was "yeah I regret not parting more".

He was being honest with you about how he felt. Yes, he regrets not having more women and more sex before settling down with you. Since you were his first and only, is that really much of a surprise?

 

I think that's pretty much the same answer you'd get from any man who was never with anyone else before his wife. Even guys who have been with several women feel like that if they haven't been with MANY women.

 

While it may not be what you want to hear, it's neither unusual nor the end of the world.

 

Are you happy with me and our little family? "I am OK with the situation".

He said OK. Not miserable. Not, he hates it. Not, he's ready to leave.

 

What that means is, yes, there is room for improvement, but it IS possible to improve things.

 

Are you looking for something better or more fun " I am not going to go and try to get laid"

Do you want to go be wild? "How would that work?" It wouldn't.

The answer here is: he can have more fun WITH YOU. He can be more wild WITH YOU.

 

He doesn't need another woman. Both of you need to add a little more fun to your lives, and get out of the rut and routine you've fallen into.

 

When was the last time you 'dated' each other? When was the last time either you or he planned something fun or romantic, just the two of you? Get one of those baby-sitters you mentioned, and spend a weekend in Vegas together, or rent a cottage on the water or in the mountains.

 

You're 26 - you must have bands that you both love...buy tickets to a concert, or go hear some live music at a nearby club. Go dancing. Do the things you used to do when you first started dating.

 

How's your sex life? Do you share your fantasies with him, maybe act some of them out? Do you try new things? Are you open to his suggestions? Do you send him naughty texts when he's away? Do you get dressed up in something sexy every now then for when he comes home?

 

How do you treat each other? Do you compliment him, tell him he's the sexiest man you know, tell him you appreciate how hard he works, how much he does for you and your child? Does he do that for you? Do you two talk about your dreams for the future, and what you'd like to do together, what kind of lives you'd like to be living in 10 years, trips you want to take together? Or do you just focus on bills and tv and never really talk about anything?

 

My point is you have to put some effort into your relationship to make it fun, to make it wild - and to see each other as man and woman instead of just as parents and roommates.

 

And your child is old enough for the two of you to start taking vacations with her, too. As corny as it sounds, pack up the car and take some road trips and start exploring the world with your child. Everything is fresh and new for a kid - seeing the world through your child's eyes can be refreshing for you and your man as well. Go to Disneyland, or go camping, or to the Wisconsin Dells, or an animal park or nearby nature center...

 

I was hurt. i thought he was Happy. The old saying goes " Don't ask if you don't want the answer"

 

well I haven't asked before and now we are 10 years into the relationship and I'm afraid he is done. He says he Loves me and wants to be with me but I'm getting mixed signals. I'm am so confused.

There you go - you haven't asked before. You assumed all was fine. But NOW you know that your relationship needs some work, and it will require both of you to make effort to turn things around and make it better.

 

And consider how YOU have been feeling over the years. Are you Happy? Have you been Happy? Or are there things you would like to change? Hobbies you'd like to try? Adventures you'd like to have with him? Tell him what you would like to do, and what would make you happy. Be honest - how would YOU answer the questions you asked him?

 

Why would you give up now, right now when you FINALLY got things out in the open, when you finally have broken through the complacency, when there is finally some honest communication between you? You two may have been taking each other for granted up til now, but this is your wake up call to do things for each other to spice things up and to appreciate what you have together. This could be a HUGE turning point for both of you - don't give up now!

[Anna Comnena]

Your 26 years old.. the issues you're having are because you cohabitated so young.

 

First off, he has no respect for you. He know what a "real" marriage means to you and to the world. The line he gave you is total BS so that he may leave an easy avenue for him to escape. A marriage license is a contractual agreement between people that must be legally broken to undo. As it is now, he could just leave without every having to deal with you again.

 

Marriage is also an act of honor and respect. If the difference of a common law marriage and a real marriage is nothing.. why not get married just to shut you up???

 

Next, check your jurisdiction honey, Common Law Marriage is a thing of the "past" in most jurisdictions so you may not have any rights.

 

Further, have you ever considered why this is bothering you now? - I suspect it's because you're maturing and becomming more aware of the fact that a marriage license is a legal commitment. - one he has not made to you as of it.

 

I'd try to make it work. After all, how exactly do you feel about your child visiting his/her father at some other woman's house for the weekend?? Having some other woman help raise your child?? Very inviting???

 

Finally, the fact remains, you have a 6 year old child and no "skills" to speak of. You're 100% at his whim. If you left him, how would you pay your rent and food for you and the baby? You need to be "smart" about dealing with the situation. If it is your intention to leave.. wait a few months and in that time, take some computer courses or other educational courses so that you will be able to support yourself. Please realize, you're not alone.. you've got a baby to be responsible for.. and who knows how's he's going to react or what he might do, if you leave (e.g, might move in with another woman and take care of her children rather than pay you child support).

 

My Motto "Hope for the best, and Plan for the worst"

[LakeGirl]

It's almost like you knew what his answer would be and you were using it as a test. Maybe the true question is "are you happy"? Maybe you are done with the relationship and are looking for a way out?

 

First and foremost - keep yourself happy

[Bobby NoBrains]

I read your post, and to me, there doesn't seem to be anything leading to a break-up in the near future. I don't understand why you would stress out so much. The fact that he seems to be possessive, against cheating, religious, all point to me that he would not cheat, nor is he looking for a way out of your marriage. What makes you think that he is ?

 

It's almost like you knew what his answer would be and you were using it as a test. Maybe the true question is "are you happy"? Maybe you are done with the relationship and are looking for a way out?

 

I thought the same thing when I read LakeGirl's post. Are *you* looking for a way out of this ? In the sense that if he doesn't marry you immediately, you want out of the relationship ?

 

I can understand your feelings about wanting to get married. But hesitation or even reluctance on that subject doesn't mean he wants to be rid of you or whatever. It's more probably fear of change. Since everything is fine, why would he suddenly want to change the status and allow the problems to start happening ? Something on that line more probably.

 

I think you need to take a short break on the subject and allow both of you to cool down and maybe after a few weeks you could sit him down and talk to him about this again. In the meanwhile, get some advice on how to talk to him about this so you're ready after a few weeks of lessons

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[bugggies]

Thank you to everyone who had advice. Now I do see that he did NOT say " I'm done, its over " or anything negative in that aspect. Maybe OK not maybe I know I was putting my feelings on my coat sleeve. He was being honest and I do appreciated that. What I need to do now is figure out how to use the information on making US better.

 

My HB and I were able to have a conversation yesterday. He clarified what was said. Yes he does wish he was more wild in his younger days, and he also said that he would not change the way life has happened. whether he said that because it sounded like something i would wanna hear or he meant it, I have no clue. But I like to believe he meant it.

 

My HB also mentioned our "bedroom" life and how to "spice it up". I'm having a little trouble with this , (maybe this is the true root of the problem). I have always been willing to try almost anything. The problem is I don't know how to initiate anything. My way to try to initiate anything is I'll buy a new bedroom toy and show it to him. He has to suggest we actually use it together. I realize all I have to do is either pull it out and use it with him or suggest it myself but there is a mental block I just cant. We would both problem like role playing but neither one of us wants to initiate it and I don't think either of us even know where to start. I have done research bought a couple of books, and bought a few adult movies. They all seem silly to me. so the question is how do I "get over" my block?

I have very rarely initiated anything so how do i start now? without it seeming silly or even suspicious?

We are having a "date" this weekend. Theres a baby step.

[CAT100]

In fact the RC Church doesnt even recognise a registry office wedding as a proper 'Marriage', this is why if you have married in a registy office,and divorce, then you can remarry in a Church. But if you marry in a Church & divorce you cannot remarry in a Church- as the Church considers your vows binding until death (and so you first marriage cannot be 'undone')

 

ummm, actually the church does recognize a civil marriage as a licit union, but it just isn't considered "valid" because it is not sacramentally valid. There's a little thing you can do to convalidate your marriage, but you first must establish that both parties are free and clear to do so.

 

as in, if you've had a civil marriage and divorce, but never had that marriage sacramentally anulled (it's considered a sacramental union if it was the first marriage for both parties, either through another church or by civil law), then you are not able to remarry until the first marriage is declared "in-valid."

 

it gets a bit tricky, especially when one or both parties isn't Catholic, but it all stems from marriage being considered a sacrament in the Church.

 

 

The Church does not consider any marriage not performed by a priest as marriage in the eyes of God.

Of course the Church recognises the law but unless you have been married by a priest then it does not consider the marriage valid as far as the Church & God are concerned.

If someone has a civil ceremony & divorces, they can re marry in a church.

If they originally married in a church then they cannot re marry in a church.

I know this as fact as a very close friend of the family is a priest!

Also, you can read the following taken from the Roman Catholic Church website..

 

''A priest will marry you if you are divorced and your previous marriage was by civil ceremony (civil marriages of Roman Catholics are not recognised by the Roman Catholic Church). You can also remarry in a Roman Catholic church if your former partner is no longer living.

 

If your former partner is still alive and your previous marriage was before a priest, the Church does not recognise the right of the State to dissolve a marriage through divorce, and consequently, you will not be able to remarry. ''

[curiousnycgirl]

Have some wine on your date, relax, go with the flow. Don't drink too much so you get tired, but enough to loosen up your inhibitions - and then go for it once you get home!

 

Good luck

[norajane]

Thank you to everyone who had advice. Now I do see that he did NOT say " I'm done, its over " or anything negative in that aspect. Maybe OK not maybe I know I was putting my feelings on my coat sleeve. He was being honest and I do appreciated that. What I need to do now is figure out how to use the information on making US better.

 

My HB and I were able to have a conversation yesterday. He clarified what was said. Yes he does wish he was more wild in his younger days, and he also said that he would not change the way life has happened. whether he said that because it sounded like something i would wanna hear or he meant it, I have no clue. But I like to believe he meant it.

 

My HB also mentioned our "bedroom" life and how to "spice it up". I'm having a little trouble with this , (maybe this is the true root of the problem). I have always been willing to try almost anything. The problem is I don't know how to initiate anything. My way to try to initiate anything is I'll buy a new bedroom toy and show it to him. He has to suggest we actually use it together. I realize all I have to do is either pull it out and use it with him or suggest it myself but there is a mental block I just cant. We would both problem like role playing but neither one of us wants to initiate it and I don't think either of us even know where to start. I have done research bought a couple of books, and bought a few adult movies. They all seem silly to me. so the question is how do I "get over" my block?

I have very rarely initiated anything so how do i start now? without it seeming silly or even suspicious?

We are having a "date" this weekend. Theres a baby step.

 

I'm so glad! Baby steps are a great place to start!

 

As for the sex, what's your mental block about? Are you embarrassed? Shy? Afraid to show your dirty side? Do you think he'll laugh?

 

Maybe take baby steps there, too. Don't worry about the spice at first - start out by initiating sex more often. YOU be the one to jump in the shower with him and start touching him...or grab him when he gets out of the shower. You be the one to reach over when you're on the couch and start stroking his thigh...and other places. Keep doing that until you lose some of your inhibitions about initiating sex - and believe me, it sounds like nothing, but men love to be desired, so if he sees you reaching out to him so he doesn't have to initiate all the time, that will feel very spicy to him.

 

Then, start thinking of sex as something PLAYFUL, something the two of you can do and laugh together about it. It doesn't have to be this serious, big deal, thing. Think of it as just plain fun. Spicy doesn't have to mean bringing out the whips and chains. It can mean doing new things that you don't usually do: have sex somewhere besides the bedroom, like the bathroom or the car or the living room floor, or even a hotel...for some reason, hotel sex is really hot. Or try getting in the shower with him and bathe him, and make sure you get his soft parts extra squeaky clean - it can be a very sensual experience, especially if you use one of those poofs on his body, since guys never use those and don't know how lovely they feel with the lather...

 

Or, when you're in the bedroom, light some candles, turn on some music, and do a little strip tease for him...it doesn't have to be major, just playfully take your clothes off while he watches. Give him a body massage, rubbing and touching him all over. Tease him during sex - touch and kiss him all over, use your hands on his package, maybe a little oral, then stop and slide your body up along his to kiss some more, then maybe slide up further so he can give you oral, then take over again and give him oral...point being, don't just stick to what you always do. Mix it up. Other times, grab him in the hallway, push him into the bedroom, and strip HIS clothes off for a hot, fast, intense quickie. Other times, maybe tie a silk scarf around his eyes, or yours, and take control, or let him have complete control.

 

If you're thinking you might like to use one of your toys that night, take it out before you two are naked and put it under your pillow or something and then just reach for it when you're ready. Try running your vibe along his body, too. Depending on the kind you have, you can run it along his spine and give him shivers, or on the inside of his thighs. A vibe is a TOY - PLAY and be playful with it.

 

The other thing, is to ask him what he'd like to try. Do it over dinner, while drinking that bottle of wine. Ask him if there are positions he'd like to try, or fantasies he has. Ask him if he'd like it if you wore something special, a type of lingerie. Ask him if he'd like to take pictures of you...naked...or during sex... And tell him what you'd like to try - there must be something!

 

Take the baby steps, and work your way up. Great sex is about communication - once you get started talking about it, it becomes easier to open up physically, too.

[katiebour]

Did you graduate from high school, or get a GED?

 

Working (even part-time) outside the home is about more than just money. It's also about respecting yourself as a wage-earning member of society, gaining skills, and getting out of the house and making friends with adults, instead of listening to child-babble all day.

 

If and when you start work, you may not make much money... But the longer you work and the more you learn the more you will earn.

 

If you don't have a H.S. diploma, then getting a GED is a way to start. You might consider online or distance learning (I have a friend who got a computer degree from Colorado Tech who is now making an insane amount of money.)

 

You said your H may have some jealousy issues with you working outside the home. Certainly this would be something to discuss and work out.

 

Don't sequester yourself at home, with little social contact and being utterly dependent on an H.

 

I can only imagine what a scary place that would be, especially if your marriage is one which can be dissolved simply by one person packing up and leaving.

 

Finally, you said your family/support is 500 miles away- any chance of the both of you moving to that part of the country? With his kind of work he could probably transfer easily to another place with the same kind of operation, and with family to help with child care, etc, you could work on making YOU into the kind of adult you want to be.

[Illicit Angel]

Ok ... something you said really rubbed me the wrong way. It would be good if you stopped and thought about it. If you leave, why do you get to take your child and move him 500 miles away from his dad? What right do you have to do that? He is as much his child as he is yours. How could that be good for your child?

 

Even if you do end the relationship because you don't think his heart is in it anymore (even though I think it is a huge leap from "will you marry me?" to "let's break up"), it doesn't automatically mean you get to do whatever is easiest for you. I was married for eight years and moved to another state to be with my ex-H. I'm still in that state now because we share a daughter and I know I have no right to take her away from her dad just because our marriage failed. Stop and think of what is best for your child, not just you. Also, the courts may not agree with you leaving the state with the child either. What if he wants joint custody?

 

It really bothers me everytime I see a mother just assume she has a right to take a child away from their father becasue the relationship didn't work out. Later they usually complain that the father wasn't more involved the child's life when the reality is that they are the ones that caused it.

 

Stop and think before you just assume what should happen.

 

 

Urrhhhmmmm..........the father could go to that state?

 

Peoples lives move on. A single mother would need the support of her family and friends around. Especially since the OP stated her friends were his friends. Not everyone can stand alone in the face of controversy and she would experience quite a bit of that

 

..... a happy mother = a happy child .....

[Illicit Angel]

 

Take the baby steps, and work your way up. Great sex is about communication - once you get started talking about it, it becomes easier to open up physically, too.

 

Some great advice in there! Keep talking to him. It sounds like he needs reminding of all the little reasons you fell in love in the 1st place. Maybe re-igniting the passion will change how he feels about getting married .... you don't know if you don't try! Good luck

[smartgirl]

Boggles - when you commit as young as the two of you did, you are bound to come to this moment. My H and I did and thousands or millions have also. Sexual boredom at this point is very common, expecially since you both started out with so little experience.

 

I don't know that toys are really the answer. Just try and relax and explore. I will put on something sexy and have the obective only of giving my H a massage. I put on music and really take my time. I try to have no expectations other than enjoying his body. It is very erotic in and of itself. Sometimes they don't want to be grabbed. It gives them performance anxiety. It can be better to set up situations where you each offer each other attention, with no orgasm goal in mind. Despite what Cosmo says, crazy sex isn't always going to be the best sex.

 

But, I would also recommend you keep an eye on this situation. My H had a crisis at this point and all we did was sweep it under the rug. After more life pressures, kids and 20 years went by he had a major year long affair and thought of leaving me. He may be committed to this relationship, but this kind of thing can continue to tick away unless you really address your issues and keep your eyes open.