Trust, PLatonics and an Overactive Imagination

[Confus-ED]

Greetings all,

 

This is my first post, so bear with me here.

 

Im in a relationship of 3yrs+ with my fiancee, we have a child we both adore. Weve known each other for years and never got together due to circumstances. Well we finally did, I was with another girl and I left her for my current SO. I used to be a compulsive cheater but have changed my ways and not cheated with my current Love. (NONE OF THIS IS THE PROB) Just a little background.

 

Here it is:

 

My fiance has this male friend who I suspect has the hots for her, which has become a bone of contention in our relationship.I trust her, but he seems like he's crushing on her. Several months ago we started hangin out with pretty much every other night with this guy (as far as her friends go) I guess because we have a kid and dont leave the house much.So I started noticing little things, like : Her not even (or very rarely) calling any of her other friends, her being very defensive of him if I said anything about him, IMing him all the time (when I ask what was said Id get ..."umm oh nothing." IM window always conviniently closing when I come around. On his end : I see him almost gawking at her (she is hot)doesnt matter who is around or where we are he is always looking at her, If we go to a party and she would go get a drink or go pee, he would be right there behind her following everytime. After months of this I mentioned this to one HER friends and he said "He could see it". Now she's told him how I feel, which I agreed was alright. Thing is, I asked her if she told him how I felt. She told me she hadnt. I felt she was lying and asked her again. She looked me right in the face and lied to me 3 or 4 times then finally told the truth. She said she was trying to save my feelings. LIE To ME to save my feelings??? Now I am giving in to my anti-trust issues and dont know what to do? Now I feel like they can both talk about how ridiculous I am. Do I really want the guy who I think is a creep to be the shoulder to cry on. I just feel like he's going to be like, ya what a jerk and oh I cant believe such and such etc.

 

To top it off since she had the baby (2 years ago) we have had a very lackluster sexual relationship, whereas before we used to **** like bunnies on Extacy.I know after baby comes sometimes the sex dwindles... but really? I think weve gone through 2 boxes in condoms over the past 2 years...you do the math. So obviously I feel insecure to start with but all of this **** does nothing but exacerbate my strange feelings of inadequacy. Worst thing is I have offers from sexy women quite often yet I never give it more than a brief thought, but now a day I feel so unwanted that I almost feel like I am being pushed to ruin this relationship.

 

P.S

This is pretty scatterbrain thoughts here but I feel like I just dont know wtf Im doing anymore.

 

Thanks in advance

[annabelle75]

I normally advise people to not just assume there is something fishy going in if their SO has close friend of the oppostie sex, but in your case it sounds as if their friendship is perhaps crossing some boundaries. If they are just talking occasionally (as friends normally do) than I would see no problem, but the fact she is seeing him all the time and chatting with him online tells me their relationship has crossed the line emotionally at least. Wether she is physically cheating on you or not, she is defintiely allowing herself to make in innapropriate emotion connection with him. She should be confiding in you and sharing her life with you, not him. Most affairs start off as emotional affairs.

 

I would talk to her about it if I were you. If she gets angry and defensive it may mean she has something to hide. Its OK to tell her you are not comfortable with her spending so much time with him.

[Confus-ED]

Thing is that we've (well I) have stopped hanging out with him so much. Now they basicly hang out when Im not around, definately not alone... to my knowledge anyways. Thing is when she Bold Face lied to me about telling Him how I felt. Which wouldnt of been a big problem, until she LIED to me. Great way to make me feel more secure right? Look me in the eyes and Lie to me.Now I dont even know what to think. Im giving her the benifit of the doubt but what youre saying makes sense. When We (me, SO, and the creep) would hang out I felt like a 3rd wheel.Now that I am out of the way who knows whats up with those two? So who knows maybe theyre having a non-physical affair but I just dont know what to do about it?

 

Weve talked about it but the response I get is " were just acting like friends do"...Bull****!

 

thanks for the reply any other advice would be great.

[whichwayisup]

She is getting a need met by him. This isn't your fault, but somehow you and your fiancee need to reconnect and make special time for eachother. Get a sitter and go out. Romance her, bring her flowers, make her feel special, loved and needed. You need to pour it on and SHOW her that she doesn't need this other guy in her life.

 

I doubt she's having sex with him, I think out of bordem, and some fun she's talking to him, but the problem with that is, it could turn into an emotional affair, especially if he is interested in her. He won't give two craps about you and your marriage, he'll just find her weakness and zone in on it until she caves to him. Think of him like a cancer to your marriage! Rid of him NOW before 'it' takes over and ruins everything.

 

I think (for now) try to woo your wife, BE that lover you used to be.

 

The other thing is, she may not be feeling too sexy and good about herself, so you need to make her feel that way!

 

Hope this helps.

[Whyme_wtf]

I know your pain exactly. Your are suffering like me.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130169/

 

I just felt a pain twinge here too reading yours. I got the "I lied to save your feelings" too. Like WTF, I asked and wanted the answer. You suspect for a reason, because you are right!

This will be hard. You have a choice of cut your losses or start to pay a heck of alot attention because it will be the only way to rid him (the cancer) of your relationship. You have a right to say how you feel and where the line is. Either way, you are going to have some trust things to deal with (together or alone).

Good luck.

[Confus-ED]

Fawk ive written like 3 different replies and I dont even know what to say Ill try this, because this problem is weighing heavy on my brain bannana

 

1. Pump up the romance : Ironicly enough I just bought flowers a couple weeks ago, just driving home saw a fresh flowers sign and stopped and grabbed a neat little bundle.The lady wanted to know if there was no ocassion what I did?I do chores and try and keep a clean house so she can relax and when we do get a babysitter we go out to dinner or a concert or wherever.Nothing too over the top but I dont miss an oppurtunity to let her know she is appreciated and loved.
   
2. As far as being the lover I used to be our libidos are way out of whack. About 6 months before our child was born we pretty much stopped having sex. After she had healed from childbirth and we were "allowed" to have sex, we did and it was painful for her.That went on for a awhile and then I guess it just became uninteresting for her.I seem to be ready to go at the drop of a hat but she could care less if we ever did it again. Like I said earlier weve had sex a few dozen times in the past couple of years. Which is crazy because that could of been a slow week until one slipped past the goalie.Worst part is if shes not enjoying whats the sense for me?Just to get off is not really my style.Either way Ive tried bringing in toys,trying to talk about what would really work but nothing seems to make much of a difference.She tells me thing are getting better, yet I never seem to see any improvement. Now its become it feels an area of resentment and insecurity for me.All whil having sexy girls at college eyeballing me and trying to chat me up.Yet here I am faithful an holding the bag waiting for things to change.
   
3. Last but not least feeling torn because theyve been friends for years and to just excise the "cancer" seems cruel and I almost feel bad. Not to mention feeling bad because I feel bad about cuttting him out.Which it doesnt seem like it will work because I dont want my So to lose one of her friends.Damnit I judt dont know...
   
4. Thanks again for the advice it feels a bit better just to get it out, and have an outside opinion.

[Cobra_X30]

Hmm.... She needs to make a choice. Here is my recommendation. Let her know that you love her and you want this to work. However, she is having an affair... most likely an emotional one, and that if she does not end this and begin working on the marriage again then your going to kick her out!

 

If she thinks your just going to sit around and let her do whatever... then she will!

[Bryanp]

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed do you think she would put up with this the way you have?

[Confus-ED]

Thanks again for the advice,

 

She knows things have to change and I have seen her becoming more affectionate in the past while, since she lied to me actually.Ill take what I can get.Hopefuly it stays this way.I need a real relationship not just somebody to split the rent with.We have been to one couples counselling session and we were given things to do. Mine were to stay positive ( the jealousy/lack of sex/affection was/is driving me insane literally) and to have some of my lack of attention needs met by friends.So I have been doing as suggested, while her suggestions were to find time for me and to give me the attention I need (Im an only child and a leo = kinda needy. heh).Seems like shes only statred trying since she told creepface about my feelings and then the next day lied to me profusely. I was kinda suspicious beacuse it felt like she was trying to suck up.Jeez I hope its just that she's come to the realization that I AM more important than the goof.I hope this is the begining of a healing of our bruised relationship because I really do LOVE her, and dont want to lose her.We have counselling tommorow so we'll see what happens next.

 

Staying optimistic!

 

Thanks again

[love necessity]

I have this feeling that he would sleep w/ her even though she is in a relationship w/ you.

I also feel like they're playing games w/ you.

 

I think you should step it up a notch...The next time you have a day off of work, pretend like you have to work, but then maybe rent a car and spy on the house.....

 

You might actually find what you don't believe...

 

If you've never seen that show "Cheaters"...Go to youtube and type in Cheaters....

[Confus-ED]

Theres no doubt in my mind that if she said yes he would be all over that.

It feels like Im being toyed with, yet at the same time I have a hard time believing my SO would do something like that.At the same time I also didnt think she would so non-chalantly lie to my face about telling him my feelings(which I had agreed to in the first place).Some things just arent adding up it seems.

 

As far as stepping it up a notch, that seems fairly dishonest and pretty stalker-ish in my mind.Then again Ive been lied to and now I dont know what to believe so she gets the benifit of the doubt.Now Im not even asking questions, Im just hoping that she will do what is right to make me feel like I am her #1 priority ( or at least #2, our kids is probably #1).

 

This is such a ****ty situation and I just want to talk to our counseller to get her opinion, but convieniently enough it seems or appointment for tommorow wasnt confirmed by her.So Im hoping we can get in tommorow because Im starting to question our whole relationship.I dont want to be fawking room mates I want to be best friends and lovers the way normal couples are.

 

I also wonder how much of this is my fault, though I dont see it but Im sure its there.Ho knows Im banging my head against a wall here.

[Cobra_X30]

Have you really given her a clear choice? Because this guy should be out of both your lives immediately.

 

And yes I would say there are definitely going to be some things that you can do better... but that is something you will need to talk to her about. And at this point even if you were perfect nothing is going to get better as long as this retard is still in her life!

 

Also, if she is ducking counseling... thats a bad sign bro!