bluechik Posted April 14, 2003 Posted April 14, 2003 I am a 20 year old student. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months as of today. This is the longest relationship I have ever had and its all due to how we click. I honestly believe he is my soulmate. He is exactly all I ever could ask for. The perfect guy for me. I could dwell on this forever, so I will save you from that. Only problem I see with our relationship is he doesn't think about the future. I personally, as soon as I get out of college, would like to start a family. Get married and have a child. This is something that has meant alot to me since I was young. Being a mother and a wife was something I always wanted. However, the few times I spoke about the idea of marriage, he said he was too young. I wasn't asking then nor was I saying we had to. I just wanted to know if he would be up for the idea of marriage sometime in the future. I understand some guys don't want marriage. Four-six years atleast. Especially from someone with parents with marriage problems like his, which is why I ask. Just seems when I bring it up he doesn't really understand what I am asking and I feel like I am silly for asking. As if I am proposing. I understand we would need finances before jumping into something like that. I am willing to wait until he graduates and gets out of med school too. No real rush. I just feel that if he never wants to get married that I would be wasting a good thing. Does that make any sense? How do I get someone who doesn't understand what I am trying to say to understand? Do you think he doesn't think about it and voices it because I am not his soulmate? How can I get him to think logically and speak honestly about the idea of a future..with me? Or maybe I am just crazy for thinking all of this and be happy with dating...whatever happens marriage with someone else or being with him dating forever. Suggestions or comments anyone?
Bill Posted April 14, 2003 Posted April 14, 2003 How do I get someone who doesn't understand what I am trying to say to understand?You explain what you want to say to the person. Find a quiet time and explain fully your ideas. Do you think he doesn't think about it and voices it because I am not his soulmate? You may think he is perfect for you, but he may or may not see it in return. He could also just be against the whole commitment deal. A few words... It's troublesome when you are so deeply in love with someone who does not reflect back the emotion as strongly as you put out. You may question yourself and the other person. Not everyone clicks together, and issues usually come up sooner, but often times they will come up later in a relationship. You will never truly know someone 100%. There's always something more. Look inside of yourself and ask yourself if this is what you want... or if you want someone that would love you back the same that you put out. Love is blind.
Kell Posted April 15, 2003 Posted April 15, 2003 Bluechik, I think that the main mistake you are making here is putting a time limit on your happiness! Realise that you cannot plan your life more than a few months in advance! By setting this time limit, you will surely push him away. What you do need to do though, is in a subtle way, figure out if he is someone that would get married, have kids, or if he is just not interested. This is the issue... whether he ever wants to. Not when he wants to. Think about it... what would really be the difference between getting married in a year or in 5? You soon will finish college... what did you go for if as soon as you finish you want kids? If you try to push a timeline onto him, you will most likely be planning life without him. Kell
Author bluechik Posted April 15, 2003 Author Posted April 15, 2003 ah see. I even phrased it incorrectly. I am not really trying to put a time limit on it. I was just using time as an example stating I am willing to wait. The main thing I do care about is IF he would be the kind of guy who would want to get married. I just need to know a way to simply state a question to him asking him if he would want to ever get married. If he is opposed to the idea. If he even sees me as that possible someone. All goes back to the IF I am the one for him. I know not to rush and I didn't mean have kids literally after college. I should have really thought about how I stated that. I know thats not a bright thing to do considering finances. So, it would be considerably a while after graduating. As soon as I am stable atleast and knowing having a job wouldn't interfere. So please ignore that part. My main problem is..i can't explain things without confusion ever. WHich is why I can't talk to him and get a clear answer. So any ideas on simple ways to ask the questions to him...that would be nice...however, a bigger issue did come in my head. How do I ask him if he feels im the one? Do you think that is a more important issue? I honestly believe he loves me just as much as I do him, he just doesn't like to look farther than a few months. He does give back the same amount of love as I give to him, however the way one of the replies were stated made me wonder. Is there a way to ask such a delicate subject? I feel if we want to have a serious relationship we should be able to talk seriously about such a topic as of ..are we going in the same direction here? bah i still think im not making sense.
clia Posted April 16, 2003 Posted April 16, 2003 I personally think seven months is wayyyyy too soon to be bringing up marriage talk. I know you only want to know whether or not things are going anywhere, but keep in mind that it's only been seven months. That's nothing! And also keep in mind that he may not even know at this point in his life whether he wants to get married ever. He may say "NO" to it now, and then in five years feel different. He may say "YES" to it now, and then feel different in two years. I don't think you are being confusing to him at all...I feel you think you are being confusing because you aren't getting the answer you desperately want to hear. However, the few times I spoke about the idea of marriage, he said he was too young. THERE IS YOUR ANSWER! TA DA! He thinks he is too young now. He may still think he is too young in five years. He may still think he is too young in TEN years. You just never know. He has lots of other stuff to think about first...like medical school. It sounds like marriage isn't even something that is on his mind at this point. He's doing other stuff! Maybe he'll start thinking seriously about it when he's done with school. Right now, it doesn't matter. It is not even on his radar. I think you need to stop bringing this up and go with the flow. If you aren't happy with the progress of the relationship, you need to move on and find someone who is more on your page. You should be able to gage how he feels about you by how he treats you. If he is respectful and treats you like his dreamgirl, and doesn't make you stress unnecessarily about how he is feeling, then you are in good shape. But seriously, stop bringing this up right now. You are in danger of scaring him off. In my experience, men don't like having big talks about things like this, especially this early on in the relationship. Just drop it and have fun with him. Perhaps if you are so intent on getting married soon you should date someone a bit older, who may be in more of that mindset already?
Author bluechik Posted April 16, 2003 Author Posted April 16, 2003 Ah. No worries on scaring him off. I have only brought it up twice and casually at that. I don't think he really realized that was what I was doing. Its not that I keep bringing it up because im not getting the answer that "I want" because you have given me the answer I did want to hear. Finally and without adding any other problems to make me freak out about such as, "he doesn't love you as much as you do him. ditch him." Seems everyone around me is speaking of marriage. People in relationships that are only a few months into. I felt confused and questioned if it was a serious matter. Hence the title of my post. I do think its a serious matter, but nothing that does need to be spoken about now that I finally have someone saying it without me trying to get them to. Thank you for being straight with me. A little BLUNT but straight. It is too soon. As I thought about it more and more, I believe my reason for thinking about it besides other relationships around me moving to this section of the relationship, but the fact that I worry about the soulmate. Seems once that one poster mentioned it, I became paranoid. If I talk about it to him, then I could see..but I see that will only scare him off. But if speaking about his emotions shouldn't be hard and if it scares him off..oh well. Guess it wasn't meant to be. I just kept dwelling on it because I felt if I did speak to him about it, I could find out if he did feel the same way about me as in "the one" instead of assuming. He treats me wonderful. Shows me affection with hugs and such, but as for voicing how he feels...he seriously lacks, but I guess thats average for every man. WEll Im gonna shut up now and stop posting. Just wanted to say thanks. OH...um you might want to be careful how you word things though. It did seem harsh when i first read it. You might have an emotional person on your hands that might do something drastic if reading a reply wrong. Which if I didn't take the time to think..I would have. But yes..thanks for helping my sense kick in.
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