When is it too late?

[dcoulson]

My wife and I have been together for four years, married for almost two with a 15 month old daughter. We both came together after very messy relationships. While our life together has not been perfect, we were always very considerate and would help each other out through problems - She had her house with her ex-fiancee foreclosed on, I had financial issues from my previous marriage. I was in therapy, working on stuff, but I still had a lot of problems - Depression, stress, anxiety.

 

We have had a couple of bumps over the last two years that have caused a lot of stress and have damaged the trust she has for me - I have never cheated, or wanted to, but I have certainly gone too far in helping out friends of mine to get them out of problems. Spending too much time with them, giving them money, stuff like that. I absolutely accept responsibility for the mistakes I have made, and have been going to counseling individually to work through my issues.

 

About six weeks ago, after a few months of great stress (Traveled out of the country and our daughter got sick, I switched jobs, we had further financial problems, and overall we just were not working together),after an argument about something she said she was thinking about leaving and she wanted space from me. Naturally, it's difficult to give someone space when you don't know if you're walking out the door the next day with your baby girl. She has signed a lease on a new place that she will be moving into in October.

 

Right now we're still living together, in seperate rooms and without much personal contact, although it's not working out. We are both basically dysfunctional due to stress, and we have days when we get along like when we were first married, and days when I think we're going to kill each other. Last night was really bad, but today she's talking to me normally. We went to couple's counseling twice, but she refuses to go again, stating that it's 'always all about you'. maybe this is an issue with the counselor, maybe it's just the way things are.

 

The curious thing is that I have discovered that around two months ago, she started to spend more and more time with a colleague from work - She would say she was going out with her group from work, but it was just her and this guy. I have asked her on a few occasions if she had feelings for this guy (on hunches), and she denied it. I found e-mails and messages between them where she was basically telling him that he was the 'ideal' guy for her and that he made her feel complete. His responses were always very dry, no emotion and certainly not indicating that he had any emotional interest in her at all. So, while I realize she is stressed and anxious about our situation, I'm also trying to grasp the concept that she is either grieving whatever she thought she could have with this guy, or she's still holding out for something to change. At this point, she says she doesn't want to get divorced, but wants to have a period of separation from each other. I know that she has pretty much stopped talking to this person altogether (she would talk on instant messenger at night for hours), but today she sent him this stupid 'key to my heart' note. Do I think he's going to be responsive to that? No. Do I think my wife is going to feel like she was kicked in the gut in a week when he continues to ignore her? Absolutely.

 

So, it certainly doesn't take much imagination to figure out what is going through her head - Wants to try and see if she can get this other guy before totally giving up on our marriage. I'm at the point where confronting her with evidence isn't going to do anything but make our relationship more difficult, particularly since we both need to be parents to our daughter.

 

I always believed I could take her back no matter what, but it really feels like the person I married is gone - I know she feels the same. I guess it's worthless trying to resolve anything while she most likely has feelings for someone else, but I'm personally not willing to just let everything fall to the ground without at least trying. My counselor has suggested that I concentrate on myself, my daughter and trying to get my life back in order.

 

I really miss my wife - She and I have been best friends for years and we always did everything together. The scary thing is, at least right now, the person that I would be getting back isn't really the person I married... I know she's still in there somewhere, but she just seems so overwhelmed with pain and anger right now that I don't think either of us are really seeing much 'reality' in life. I have no doubt that we need space and time apart. I am supporting her in moving, not because I don't want to be married to her anymore, but every day we spend together right now just makes the pain worse.

 

So, that's the basics of my story. I don't really know what to add right now.

[LakesideDream]

Dcoulson, You didn't mention your ages, you sound kinda young though. Your marriage was born out of strife and desperation. I doesen't sound like it has gotten any better over the last few years.

 

In my experiance one of the major "keys" to a womans happiness and well being is stability, in the early stages at least, (which you two are still in) financial stability, is often more important than emotional stability.

 

Can't blame her to much though. She has a child to be responsible for which is her first biological and emotional priority. You can bet that she's looking for a new mate that can (at least in her mind) gaurentee that.

 

At this point, my guess would be that you have been discarded as not capable of supplying what she needs. It's rough, and painfull to be sure, but enevitable eh?

 

Expect her to keep searching until she finds what she wants and needs. This is the 21st Century, "Walk away Wives" are a reality, and there is really nothing you can do about it.

[jesslindy]

So sorry to hear about your soon to be seperation. I know it is tough.

 

Confronting your wife with the evidence would undoubtedly push her further, because she will feel like a jerk for doing it. She hasnt felt like a jerk yet because she thinks you do not know. She will lie to you as long as she thinks she can, and probably longer than that. She might even flat out deny it even if you showed her pictures kissing a guy.

 

Women do not leave their marraiges unless they have something else to work on. It could be something very minute, but there is almost always something. There are very few instances that a woman just leaves because that they are sick of it. Alot of wives have been "sick of it" for much longer than they have actually left, and when they leave their fantasy of being with someone else is close to a reality in their brain.

 

Google "What is Plan A and plan B, marraigebuilders" and read those articles. You will see that all over this site. But its very helpful stuff in your situation. If she is in the "fantasy of this other guy", she will never be able to give you a hundred percent. And that is what you are going to need for reconciliation. Your chances are slim. Alot of it will depend on what you do, but most of it will be whether the wife has the capacity to make it happen. Women who run from their problems, instead of hitting them head on, usually aren't made up of what it takes.

 

Take whatever advice you can on stopping this seperation. Seperation is the first step of divorce. Almost every time. If she truly wanted to be with YOU, she wouldn't need space. She would make a stand for your marraige. Needing space is sometimes code for, "I want a divorce, but I'm not sure if theres something else out there." Seperation is ok if it is part of the master plan of getting back together, but if she starts "playing", file for divorce. A girl that can't stand up for her marraige and you, is not a girl worth waiting for while she crushes your self-respect by cheating. Even if its just emotional. THAT IS STILL CHEATING!! Anyway you slice it.

[dcoulson]

Just to add more meat - I'm 27 (First marriage was at 22 - Eeek). My wife is 35, never been married before.

 

I have not confronted her with the information I have. I agree it would push her away, plus if nothing actually happened, there is probably little harm done - I can already see the guilt in her behavior, so I'm pretty sure at times she realizes how wrong it is.

 

After reading a lot of threads yesterday, I went over the '32 rules' with my therapist last night (Just happened to have an appt scheduled). Going totally NC isn't practical since we have our daughter and right now we're living together. When I came home I was nice, polite, but I didn't do much to actually engage her in conversation or talk about how she was feeling like I usually do ("You look tired, why not go lay down", "Are you still feeling anxious"). So, with that out of the way I certainly feel a lot less stress myself. The funny thing is that when I went out for a while last night, she greeted me with an excited 'hello' when I came through the front door. I'm certainly not putting all of my hope on it by any means, but it was different.

 

She doesn't get her new place until the first, so she'll be here for at least another two weeks. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and we'll see how far that gets me. While I agree that she needs to stop contact with the other guy, I know he's basically ignoring her now. She doesn't go on the computer at night anymore, doesn't go out with "friends" on weekdays (Thursday was always her night out with "the gang" from work, except it was just one person). I see her doing things to reach out, but I'd not be surprised if she's realizing it's a futile effort. She just needs to understand that I need to get on with life and that while she decides what she wants to do, I may not be hanging around to wait.