the scariest part, huh?

[yes]

It seems people are REALLY afraid of that period after a break-up and before they're up and dating again. To the point where they'll stay in a terrible relationship, basically just to avoid the post-break-up loneliness & discomfort of not having the routine that they had gotten used to.

 

Sounds familiar enough, i've done that, too... but i'm wondering what people can do to overcome that fear. It's like ripping out a bad tooth, after all. Is it just a matter of thinking straight and being strong enough to go through with it? I mean obviously people don't believe the r/s is going to get good after years of being bad.

 

Yeah, I think it's all about thinking straight & looking at reality, not at your dreams.

 

enough talking to myself out loud.

-yes

[steffany]

That is strange that people do that. My friend is doing that right now. Everyone sees that their relationship is dead and can't get any deader but they keep on going back to eachother. I personally have never done that. I actually try to break up at the first sign of a real problem. I rather be alone than look like an idiot. Shoot I'm young and there are many great guys out there. I'll meet the right one sooner or later. No use in staying with the wrong one just to have him. Just doesn't make sence to me.

[moimeme]

The difference, Steffany, is in your attitude. You believe there are 'lots of guys' out there and you'll find another one. The people that cling fear that this was the 'only one' or that they will never again find anybody else or that they aren't good enough to be acceptable to anyone else.

 

If people can change those negative beliefs, they can then free themselves from dead-end relationships.

[steffany]

I think the thing to do is to have hobbies and friends of your own and self happiness.

 

Hobbies are a great way to do something fulfilling to you. I paint and I don't share that with anyone...I share the paintings but not the act. It is mine that I do to clear my head and fulfill myself.

 

 

And always keep some friends just aquaintences with your significant other. That way you have plans of your own sometimes and a break every now and then helps keep you a individual and not a we and a ya'll.

 

And most important I beleive you need to be happy being yourself by yourself. If you can't love you how do you expect others to. And remember no matter what you are special and you deserve the best. No one not even yourself deserves to be treated any less than you want to be treated.

 

and those are the only things I can think of that have helped me not hold on to a dead relationship. It's like staying at a dead end job getting minimumn wages....why would you do that?

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "...they'll stay in a terrible relationship, basically just to avoid the post-break-up loneliness & discomfort of not having the routine that they had gotten used to."

 

Once you realize the absolute worst, most terrorizing case of abject loneliness is not nearly as bad as a bad relationship, being by yourself can be quite pleasant.

 

I will never allow myself to get used to being with somebody who makes my life miserable. That, to me, is masochistically insane.

[yes]

thanks for everyone's replies!

 

-yes

[HokeyReligions]

I'm feeling contrary today, so I'll offer a slightly different spin - even though I agree 98% with what everyone has said.

 

It's a matter of knowing when a relationship is salvagable and when it is not, AND deciding on what investment you want to make. These decisions are often overshadowed by fear of the unknown and a natural human resistance to change.

 

I would imaging that if I posted what my marriage was like during one period of time, the most ardent response would have been to leave him. Actually, I was told to do that by friends and family and their arguments sounded perfectly reasonable.

 

I was only in my 20's and married to a man who wouldn't touch me. We never cheated on each other, but I spent 90% of my time crying. He didn't want kids, but said it was okay when we had them. Then he accused me of deliberatly getting pregnant and I did not. It was an accident. It was just a horrible time. Financially and emotionally. We lived out of a '73 VW Bug for a while and had to have others take our kids. We fought. We split up, but got back together for financial reasons and for the kids.

 

This lasted for quite a few years. I felt so low about myself and I wanted to just die. Not kill myself - I was never suicidal - I just didn't want to live. I loved my family and I was brought up that marriage is forever NO MATTER WHAT. That was the example that I had.

 

Anyway, after a lot of pain, and therapy for both of us, our financial situation began to improve and so did our marriage. At our lowest point we decided to pull together and that is what turned the corner for us financially. Two CAN live cheaper than one.

 

That was some years ago. Today we are struggling financially because my husband is disabled and not bringing in a salary. This happened a year after we bought our house. But we DO have our own house and we are able to manage. We are stronger together and we've needed to be because both of our kids passed away when they were in their teens. We could not have lived thru it had we been apart. Our love for each other is so deep that we can't fathom it. I can't describe how content and fulfilled we are with each other. Sex, which at one point seemed a vital part of marriage, now doesn't matter at all and I don't miss it. I can even joke about it (& the dreaded 'wet spot' with others and not feel a single twinge of regret) whereas, I used to tear up when sex was mentioned.

We no longer need sex to be totally happy with each other and secure in the marriage.

 

Had I left him during the bad parts I wouldn't know this depth of feeling and contentment. It took time in hell to appreciate what we have. I wish that every couple could know the complete love we share.

 

I used to think that we were a rare couple, but during all the counseling sessions we learned that we are not. Many people go through similar things and work through it. The majority do not and split up.

 

All those years we spent fighting to keep the marriage together, we could have been apart and dating others. Maybe falling in love and marrying someone else. Maybe going through something difficult with someone else - or maybe moving on again when times got tough.

 

I'd rather stay and work it out then still out there searching for someone or something.

 

I know people who are fine being single. They don't want to be with anyone long-term. It's not for me and I've wondered if they are only saying that because they don't have anyone and don't want people feeling sorry for them. But I have been assured that there are people who truly don't need to have anyone in their life to be totally happy.

 

sorry this got to be so long. I've had a difficult day at work.

[steffany]

I understood from your message that all though others thought your relationship a complete failure in your heart of hearts you didn't. That is not staying in a relationship for fear of loneliness. That is doing what you vowed to do.

 

I thought what she meant was why do people stay in relationships that are bad or without love JUST for the sake of not being a lone or with out the habit of seeing each other they formed from the relationship.

 

 

But I do agree that if even if others say your relationship is over and you should leave you should always do what you feel is right.. It is your relationship.

[yes]

thanks for a diff-t view! i see what you mean, totally.

 

In fact, i believe in being together DESPITE things, not BECAUSE of things. But, that thinking comes in after a certain closeness has been achieved, right?

 

I think following steffany's and others' advice can help you get through the bs. And once it's "for real", you won't be able to leave, no matter how much you love yourself, are happy by yourself, etc...

 

-yes

[yes]

exactly how can you separate the feeling of it "being right" from the fear of loneliness and all that?... I think that's the main problem.

 

-yes

[steffany]

I think you will know if you are scared of being alone or if you love him. Think about it; if you ask me why I go out with my girls on Sundays if it's because I am loosing feelings for my guy and don't want to be with him or if I want to see my friends. I know I want to see my friends. I know I don't dis like my guy...I know I don't drudge spending time with him...I know I don't shutter at the thought of him. I only blush and smile.

 

I think everyone knows why they do certain things.

 

I worked things out with my ex fiancee for as long as I still wanted him...after I felt that slip away I said good bye.

 

I knew if I stayed it wasn't because I was in love with him. Many other reasons I could have stayed but I just wasn't in love with him anymore so I didn't.

 

So the heart can be hard to read clearly sometimes but I believe if you listen you know. We all go through hard times.

 

I do agree with all of this we've all said. So many different perspectives and all of them right. Funny

[yes]

that's true... it's easy to rationalize & explain things away, but most people know why they're where they are, really, but may be afraid to admit it to themselves and/or to others.

 

 

i'm glad we have several perspectives here!

-yes

[Carly]

This thread is so moving, so painful, and so inspiring for me to write in.

 

I have been married over twenty years to a man I never really was crazy about. We fought, we kept emotionally distant, and focussed our attention toward anything but each other. But through this, we brought three great kids into the world, and are still together.

 

The signs of an unfulfilling marriage were there from the start. We had little in common. There was no spark. Although I think that he genuinely enjoyed being with me, the feelings weren't mutual. I just enjoyed the security of having someone, and no longer being afraid of "spending the rest of my life alone" (even though I was only in early twenties when married!)

 

All the "spark" that I received came from my friends, my education, my work, and my personal causes. From my husband I got our kids, financial security, lots of fighting, and "a normal family life."

 

Anyway, I can see now that I settled for the best I thought I could do at the time. I wasn't all that likable, and considered myself lucky to get him.

 

Now, though, I do have the capacity to build close relationships with people whom I consider much better for me.

 

Which is the part that really s*cks.

 

Only now, in my mid-life, do I see myself as capable of atracting someone much better (it's a long story that stops short of an affair, and is over now).

 

But so what. What am I going to do, leave my husband to "find myself"? Break up the family?

 

Or just work toward accepting the fact that an emotionally empty marriage is my destiny.

 

More thoughts and experiences welcome!

[yes]

I can't give you any advice but one thing i want to say is -

 

kids DO feel if there's love between the parents. I have friends whose parents have a bad (non-abusive) relationship, and they always say they wish their parents divorced rather than stayed together "for the kids sake".

 

-yes

[moimeme]

Carly -

 

If you two are not living a conflict-ridden life, then I think your decision might rest on the ages of the kids. Younger children have a worse time with parental split-ups than do older kids. I'm no expert, but based on my own experiences and the experiences of friends, it seems that once kids are into puberty, they are getting to the point where they can understand that marriages may not be 'made in heaven' and there may be valid reasons to break up. Kids younger than that just aren't mature enough to deal with the split.

 

You might want to speak to a family counsellor about the best thing to do and the best way to go about it so that the best outcome possible can be achieved for everyone concerned.

[Carly]

Thank you Yes and Moimeme, for your views.

 

From your views and the many other stories in different threads, I have a lot to process.

 

This whole discussion and disclosure is somehow making me feel better -- not thinking that our marriage is better than it actually is, just somehow feeling less depressed about it all. I am starting to feel that if I do stay, I'll be more honest with myself about this marriage.