Insecurities

[Cobra_X30]

I'm young and don't have all the answers yet. I'm just sharing what works for me!

 

So anybody know how to get over relationship jitters? I can't get anything to work. I put everything into it... the girl falls in love... then I get to a point where I start backing out. How do I trust someone enough to get close again? The last one was the hardest!!!

[squeak]

-Be willing to really accept that each girl you meet is going to have some issue that will cause strife in your relationship. Yes-every single one. Just as you will too.

 

-It does not get better with each new partner-just different.

 

-Ask yourself if you want to be that person who gets to say "I never took any crap-not even once!" or the person who says "yes, I did compromise where I could, because everyday I chose to foster this relationship"

 

-A relationship is hard work. The people that think something is better just over the rainbow should be okay with being alone, maybe forever. I don't think that is bad, it is just true.

 

-A serial monogamist is not such a great route, 2 years into each relationship and then switching to a new partner just means you'll have new problems with a new person.

 

-Love is always taking a chance of having your heart being broken or dumped, but it is better than running forever.

 

-"The one" is a choice you make each and every day. You simply decide you are going to make it work, and stick it out and ride the waves because you simply want to be with that person.

 

That may not have addressed your concerns, I don't have much experience with relationship jitters.

 

I believe anything and everything can be worked out as long as it doesn't involve any form of cheating, deception, physical/ verbal abuse, and both partners are making some effort to communicating.

 

I hope anything I wrote helps!!?

[Cobra_X30]

-Love is always taking a chance of having your heart being broken or dumped, but it is better than running forever.

 

Yes, that helped narrow down my problem.

 

This is it! I strive and work so hard in every relationship. I try to be perfect... so much so that I often become what she wants more than I naturally am. Eventually it begins to wear on me... and I can't keep it up forever, at that point I usually begin looking for a good reason to dump her! I wish I could find it in me to keep working... keep fighting... not tire out!

 

I just can't see anyone sticking with me when the chips are down!

 

Hmmm.... never put that down before!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

One of the hallmarks of a truly compatible relationship is that you can be yourself around him/her. You don't have to compete with them or with yourself, and you don't feel constant pressure to be just a certain way.

 

You don't have keep "fighting". You do have to keep "working" at it, though. But with a great relationship, that work is fulfilling and rewarding, instead of being a struggle.

 

Maybe you need to find someone who meets your requirements as much as you meet theirs, Cobra.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

On the topic of insecurities. My insecurity is the fear of losing the ones I love. Actually, let me put it another way: I am insecure that I will not be loved any more. And that I won't receive love even though I give it.

 

I think that's a pretty common one, so I don't have anything to complain about, really.

[Teacher's Pet]

On the topic of insecurities. My insecurity is the fear of losing the ones I love. Actually, let me put it another way: I am insecure that I will not be loved any more. And that I won't receive love even though I give it.

 

I think that's a pretty common one, so I don't have anything to complain about, really.

 

I love ya.

 

You can take THAT to the bank, baby!

 

-tp

my love don't cost a thing.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I love ya.

 

You can take THAT to the bank, baby!

 

-tp

my love don't cost a thing.

 

Right back at you!

 

Love never costs a thing, it's only the sex that does.

[Teacher's Pet]

Right back at you!

 

Love never costs a thing, it's only the sex that does.

 

Well, if the charges are per minute, I can pay cash.

 

Otherwise, I need to write a post-dated, 3rd party check.

 

Never realized I'd need to make a big withdrawl before making my big deposit... hahaha

 

-tp

you see what i did there?

[Trialbyfire]

My insecurity is to be solely valued for the superficial. Common sense dictates that relationships don't last when they are based on only this criteria. In order for attraction to gain any depth to it, to exceed the "in lust" stage, you have learn to value each others' strengths beyond the superficial.

 

Friend, lover and partner. The relationship trinity...

[burning 4 revenge]

My insecurity is to be solely valued for the superficial. Common sense dictates that relationships don't last when they are based on only this criteria. In order for attraction to gain any depth to it, to exceed the "in lust" stage, you have learn to value each others' strengths beyond the superficial.

 

Friend, lover and partner. The relationship trinity...

you should get some kind of radio show

[Trialbyfire]

you should get some kind of radio show

What would my schtick be? Shock jockette?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

My insecurity is to be solely valued for the superficial. Common sense dictates that relationships don't last when they are based on only this criteria. In order for attraction to gain any depth to it, to exceed the "in lust" stage, you have learn to value each others' strengths beyond the superficial.

 

Friend, lover and partner. The relationship trinity...

 

I was thinking about this again today, because in some way I used to share that insecurity.

 

Not anymore though - because I've realized that I can control this factor. It's upto me to choose who I am with, and if I feel, in any way, that someone's reason for being with me is solely because of the superficial, I just don't continue with it.

 

To be honest, it's not that difficult to figure this out. It doesn't take years (or even months) to figure out if someone is attracted to you just for the superficial.

 

As long as I'm honest with myself, I can usually see it for what it is. The tougher part has been to accept that this does happen.

[Trialbyfire]

I was thinking about this again today, because in some way I used to share that insecurity.

 

Not anymore though - because I've realized that I can control this factor. It's upto me to choose who I am with, and if I feel, in any way, that someone's reason for being with me is solely because of the superficial, I just don't continue with it.

 

To be honest, it's not that difficult to figure this out. It doesn't take years (or even months) to figure out if someone is attracted to you just for the superficial.

 

As long as I'm honest with myself, I can usually see it for what it is. The tougher part has been to accept that this does happen.

We can't control this factor but we can walk away from anything that resembles it, which is what I've done in the past. To do this, you have to be willing to give up what you might want/desire, for the opportunity for a better future with someone else or no one, depending on your emotional state.

 

As long as you walk away without regret, or pining away for lost opportunities, you will come out just fine.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

We can't control this factor but we can walk away from anything that resembles it, which is what I've done in the past.

 

That's what I meant by being able to control it - we have a choice re: the appropriate action. I agree with the rest.

 

Btw, I also find that accepting that these situations do happen, is not easy.

 

But it takes experiences to sharpen our judgement, and our ability to discern. For me, being valued for superficial qualities is no longer an insecurity because I know it when I see it, more easily now.

[Trialbyfire]

That's what I meant by being able to control it - we have a choice re: the appropriate action. I agree with the rest.

 

Btw, I also find that accepting that these situations do happen, is not easy.

 

But it takes experiences to sharpen our judgement, and our ability to discern. For me, being valued for superficial qualities is no longer an insecurity because I know it when I see it, more easily now.

I can't say it's always easy to discern. While I want to believe in my judgement, I won't say that I can't be fooled. It's happened before and can happen again.

 

For example, the guy I'm dating right now. I think he's a great guy and his actions exceed his words. While I want to believe that I can discern, based on his actions, I could easily be wrong. Only time will tell.

 

I'm not talking about a guy who isn't ready to commit and is jacking with you. Guys can and do commit purely for superficial reasons. Hell, I've had five marriage proposals so I know they do.

 

Also, the best con men are the ones that believe their own stories. Ask a player "who's the man?".

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I can't say it's always easy to discern. While I want to believe in my judgement, I won't say that I can't be fooled. It's happened before and can happen again.

 

For example, the guy I'm dating right now. I think he's a great guy and his actions exceed his words. While I want to believe that I can discern, based on his actions, I could easily be wrong. Only time will tell.

 

I'm not talking about a guy who isn't ready to commit and is jacking with you. Guys can and do commit purely for superficial reasons. Hell, I've had five marriage proposals so I know they do.

 

Also, the best con men are the ones that believe their own stories. Ask a player "who's the man?".

 

True, it's not possible to have fool-proof judgement.

 

To an extent, everyone will judge based on the external. It's impossible to escape that. Everyone, including you and I, does that. There may even have been times when we might not have appreciated certain not-so-obvious qualities in a person.

 

I think the key is to recognize the level of "superficiality" that's acceptable to us. And I think I'm better at judging that now.

 

I agree, only time can tell whether it's the real deal or not. It takes time for anyone to know all the good v/s. the bad in a person.

 

On a side note, I've also found that it's easy to get overly-concerned with possible ulterior motives and superficiality, and overlook the real value that a person offers. That is another thing that I have been improving upon, in my case.

 

Wow, this should've been in the "Superficiality" thread, but anyway, here it is..

[Cobra_X30]

One of the hallmarks of a truly compatible relationship is that you can be yourself around him/her. You don't have to compete with them or with yourself, and you don't feel constant pressure to be just a certain way.

 

You don't have keep "fighting". You do have to keep "working" at it, though. But with a great relationship, that work is fulfilling and rewarding, instead of being a struggle.

 

Maybe you need to find someone who meets your requirements as much as you meet theirs, Cobra.

 

I think if the problem was not inside of me, I would have already found that person... at least twice over!

[squeak]

I try to be perfect... so much so that I often become what she wants more than I naturally am. Eventually it begins to wear on me... and I can't keep it up forever, at that point I usually begin looking for a good reason to dump her! I wish I could find it in me to keep working... keep fighting... not tire out!

 

I just can't see anyone sticking with me when the chips are down!

 

Hmmm.... never put that down before!

 

That doesn't sound like an unsurmountable problem. A lot of people tend to do that in the beginning of a relationship, and then start settling back into themselves once bonding is established. I've done that, and sometimes it was difficult to settle back into my more normal self without a lot of blustery anger and disappointment, from the other end.

 

How do you think you will handle it differently next time? Or how not to repeat the pattern? Sounds like you actually get more angry with yourself and back out as a way to recoup your actual self.

[squeak]

What would my schtick be? Shock jockette?

 

I've suggested that before too, can I be your manager? You could tour all the radio stations, sign a 5 book contract with the best publishers.

 

The 1st one could be

"Honey, he likes his brussel sprouts more than he likes you!"

 

or maybe go more general:

 

"The end all be all book containing everything you need to know and more"

 

What do you think? I think you found your 2nd career. Who knows?

[Trialbyfire]

I've suggested that before too, can I be your manager? You could tour all the radio stations, sign a 5 book contract with the best publishers.

 

The 1st one could be

"Honey, he likes his brussel sprouts more than he likes you!"

 

or maybe go more general:

 

"The end all be all book containing everything you need to know and more"

 

What do you think? I think you found your 2nd career. Who knows?

 

Have you ever tried stir-fried brussel sprouts? They're delicious...

 

Do those comments tie in your first and second comments?

 

Knowledge is a wonderful thing. If I don't learn something new everyday, it's a wasted day.

 

Which...brings me back to my insecurity.

 

*shudders at the word*

 

Through this thread and all the wonderful input from the superficiality thread, it's been quelled. It's always good to vent and get it out of your system.

[squeak]

Yes-the 2 titles are regarding the 5 book contract ...

Either "Honey, he likes his brussel sprouts more than he likes you!" or "The end all be all book containing everything you need to know and more" could be the 1st book title in the series of 5 that you may write.

[Trialbyfire]

You realize that I'm unmanageable, don't you?

[Cobra_X30]

That doesn't sound like an unsurmountable problem. A lot of people tend to do that in the beginning of a relationship, and then start settling back into themselves once bonding is established. I've done that, and sometimes it was difficult to settle back into my more normal self without a lot of blustery anger and disappointment, from the other end.

 

How do you think you will handle it differently next time? Or how not to repeat the pattern? Sounds like you actually get more angry with yourself and back out as a way to recoup your actual self.

 

Just as you do I feel that I raise the bar of expectation for myself. I begin to feel that if I cannot continue to meet expectation, I will not be loved... and respected.

 

As a solution I've been working on an outside fix model. Perhaps if I meet the right girl, I wont feel this way and pull the plug? I'm starting to think I've trained myself for this anyway!