Engagement: Asking Father's Permission?

[Kalamazoo]

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting engaged in a matter of weeks and he's been debating whether or not to ask my father's permission. This may not be such a big issue for some people, but my Dad is a little strange with sentimental things, especially when it involves me.

 

My father claims to like my boyfriend but whenever they're around each other the situation becomes socially awkward. I think that he has issues with the fact that my boyfriend chose not to go to University and secretly wishes I was marrying a doctor of some sort.

 

I'm really conflicted about this, I wouldn't want my Father to be insulted if we made the wrong decision about asking his permission. There is always a part of me that is terrified that he'll either say no or make things really strange; but his blessing would mean the world to me.

[dropdeadlegs]

If your father said "no" what would you do?

 

I think it is very quaint to ask a fathers permission, but unless I was sure of his answer, I wouldn't chance it. I think there would be harder feelings should you choose to marry anyway than if he's never asked at all.

 

It's not exactly expected these days.

 

On the other hand your father may think more highly of your BF if he asks his permission.

 

Tough to say not knowing your Dad.

[jj2007]

Have you talked to your dad about how you feel about your BF and that you think he may be the one for you? If you haven't I would try that route first. If he sees how important your BF is to you he may be more open to the idea.

 

I think your BF would get major brownie points for asking permission.

Just talk to your father first and see how he really feels about him.

Tell your father that if you decided to marry your BF his blessing would mean the world to you.

 

Good luck!

[Trialbyfire]

Have you talked to your dad about how you feel about your BF and that you think he may be the one for you? If you haven't I would try that route first. If he sees how important your BF is to you he may be more open to the idea.

 

I think your BF would get major brownie points for asking permission.

Just talk to your father first and see how he really feels about him.

Tell your father that if you decided to marry your BF his blessing would mean the world to you.

 

Good luck!

Excellent suggestion.

 

My father, who's currently in his mid-sixties, always believed strongly in courtesies and respected my ex-H a little more, after he asked. Even though I was in my late twenties at the time, it was difficult for him to see me as anything but Daddy's little girl. To this day, he still believes it.

[amaysngrace]

My exH asked my father's permission and my dad actually tried to talk him out of it!

[Trialbyfire]

It's called reverse shotgun psychology.

[amaysngrace]

It's called reverse shotgun psychology.

 

....Huh?

[Trialbyfire]

....Huh?

He was trying to protect his little girl.

[amaysngrace]

Okay now I got it. Anyway as you can see from my saying "exH" the psychology didn't work.

[Trialbyfire]

Note, my reference to ex-H? Maybe there's a jinx associated to asking the future father-in-law?

[amaysngrace]

Note, my reference to ex-H? Maybe there's a jinx associated to asking the future father-in-law?

 

 

Yeah, maybe it's a really bad thing for a guy to marry a girl who he considers a daddy's girl?

 

To even have to ask permission in the first place would suggest she is one, no?

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, maybe it's a really bad thing for a guy to marry a girl who he considers a daddy's girl?

 

To even have to ask permission in the first place would suggest she is one, no?

Hmmm....is it wrong to be daddy's little girl? I don't think so. Do you?

[amaysngrace]

Hmmm....is it wrong to be daddy's little girl? I don't think so. Do you?

 

 

No I don't have a problem with it but maybe a guy who gets himself one would?

[Trialbyfire]

No I don't have a problem with it but maybe a guy who gets himself one would?

If he does, he's not man enough to handle us, no?

[allina]

I think a man asking the father for permission is very proper and gentleman like. My bf knows that when/if time comes for us he will ask my father's permission.

[woodsfield]

i would've asked my <soon to be> wife's but he was passed...didn't bother with asking her mother.

 

like someone else said, depends on the dad....and what if he says no?? vegas??

[allina]

 

like someone else said, depends on the dad....and what if he says no?? vegas??

 

To me it isn't asking for an actual yes/no answer, it's more like a polite formality.

 

My bf knows that my parents love him and approve to no end but he'll still ask as a nice gesture.

[dropdeadlegs]

To me it isn't asking for an actual yes/no answer, it's more like a polite formality.

 

My bf knows that my parents love him and approve to no end but he'll still ask as a nice gesture.

That's all good and well, but Kalamazoo expressed some concern about how her father sees her BF. In her case I don't think it is wise to put Dad in that position unless she is sure of how to proceed in the event of any answer he may give.

 

I can't deny that Dad is probably right, whatever he says. I wonder if my kids SO's would ask, and I think they would not. In my case Dad's consent would probably mean nothing anyway. Dad is either unreliable and immature or he's deceased, depending on the kid.

[Citizen Erased]

It's an outdated practice. Originally only done because women had a dowry that only their fathers could give to their son-in laws. If the father didn't approve there would be no dowry and the man asking would go looking for another business transaction.

 

Your parents don't know what is best for you, they only think they do.

[allina]

That's all good and well, but Kalamazoo expressed some concern about how her father sees her BF. In her case I don't think it is wise to put Dad in that position unless she is sure of how to proceed in the event of any answer he may give.

 

 

I feel like it would be a good idea for her bf to ask her father. Even if the father isn't 100% crazy about the bf/idea of marriage the fact that the bf asked will show a lot of respect. If the dad sees that bf is this respectful toward him it may cause him to see that he really cares for his daughter, thus maybe changing his opinion of bf.

[dropdeadlegs]

It's an outdated practice. Originally only done because women had a dowry that only their fathers could give to their son-in laws. If the father didn't approve there would be no dowry and the man asking would go looking for another business transaction.

 

Your parents don't know what is best for you, they only think they do.

It is an outdated practice, but having children, 20 years ago I would agree with you and today I give a parents opinion far more credence.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I made poor decisions concerning marriage partners and I know my parents would have differed with those choices.

 

I still believe that the choice belongs to the one entering the marriage.

[allina]

 

I still believe that the choice belongs to the one entering the marriage.

 

I agree 100% but I think "asking" the father is a nice gesture showing respect, not asking him to intervene.

[JamesM]

It is an outdated practice, but having children, 20 years ago I would agree with you and today I give a parents opinion far more credence.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I made poor decisions concerning marriage partners and I know my parents would have differed with those choices.

 

I still believe that the choice belongs to the one entering the marriage.

 

This is the best attitude towards this question IMO. But I think as a parent now, I think the answer should be known one way or another before he asks. In fact, the reason you ask...is it because you do not think your BF is liked by your father? I think a sit down conversation between you and your parents is advisable to see what their opinion is of the BF and why.

 

In some cases, I don't think it is advisable. If you were abused by your father, then his opinion has been forfeited by his actions in the past. But if his opinion is important to you, then I think at this point you should know how he would answer. As has been said, if your father would say no, then I would not have your BF be embarassed by asking. However, you might want to find out why your father would say no.

 

I don't necessarily think if he asks or doesn't ask will have any bearing on your marriage, but it may have an impact on the relationship your BF will have with your father.

 

I did not ask my FIL. But as mentioned above, he forfeited his right to that "privilege" when he abused his daughter many years ago. Did that have any impact on my relationship with him? Not really...I know it would not have made it any better.

[taiko]

It's an outdated practice. Originally only done because women had a dowry that only their fathers could give to their son-in laws. If the father didn't approve there would be no dowry and the man asking would go looking for another business transaction.

 

Your parents don't know what is best for you, they only think they do.

It is not only dowry it is a nod to the cultural concept that the two families are now forming an alliance. In our shared culture it is as much of the engagement/wedding ceremonies as the Priest solomizing the union.

 

In our case we both lost our fathers as young adults and her older brother had also passed. In a way mama's boyfriend stood in. After I got the nonverbal okay from him we annouced our engagement to mama. From there the announcement to the extended friends and family with the official engagement party and then to the world with the marriage.

 

But it was a known factor, a formality, no disapproval was shown during the courtship. If there was, we probably would have just eloped unless the family factor killed the relationship for her. If mama disapproved to be truthful I don't know if we would still be together.

[woodsfield]

I agree 100% but I think "asking" the father is a nice gesture showing respect, not asking him to intervene.

 

i understand that, too, and would have done it if i could...it definetly is the respectful thing to, but the WHAT IF factor has been brought into the equation by the OP.

 

i think he should just express his feelings to the oldman and hope for the best.