G/F Cheated on by Past B/Fs

[GentlemanJeff]

My g/f was cheated on by past b/fs, and I'm taking the brunt of it. She's not some psycho that has detectives follow me or anything like that, but she has nightmares that I am cheating on her and she got EXTREMELY mad at me because I cheated on her *in a dream* and stayed mad at me after she had woken up and realized it was just a dream, saying she had all sorts of irrational thoughts running through her head (she wanted to just leave me for good, she wanted to beat me up while i was sleeping, wanted to burn a picture of her that i love, etc). At least she didn't follow through on these things and realizes they are irrational, but this behavior scares me. She also starts smoking a lot of cigarrettes and marijuana to "cope" with the stress she has when she gets like this.

 

I also have an ex- that would make a great friend and there would be nothing at all romantic about our relationship, but I know it would be a huge issue, so I've had to give up this friendship and completely reject my ex- in order to avoid the problems it would cause. I deleted my ex- from my contacts list on my cell phone and told her what was going on and that she was going to be "erased" because I'd rather lose one good friend in order to keep a good friend/lover... it hurt me to do it, but I did it and forgot about her and didn't talk to her or contact her since... now the other night my ex- sends me a text message saying "I dislike being erased. I hope she appreciates it" and my current g/f flipped out and thinks I am hiding something from her. She has also done things like go through my cell phone without me knowing.. she says she trusts me, but her actions say that she doesn't trust me.

 

I've always prided myself on being trustworthy and someone you can count on (at least for my close friends/family), so it's hard for me to deal with this and it makes me feel like sh*t when she does something that indicates she doesn't trust me. It's also very insulting to me for her to think I would cheat on her, and I hate that I can do 99 things that all indicate I'm committed to her and she'll completely overlook those and focus on one little thing that MIGHT indicate I'm cheating (like if i have my phone on vibrate or something, and the real reason is it's unproffesional for it to be going off all loud at work and if i don't keep it on vibrate, i forget to turn it off sometimes @ work).

 

I've started talking to her about this, and we will talk more about it, but does anyone have any advice or experience with this kind of a situation?

[bluepoppy]

Ok - how long have you been going out ?

 

I've been cheated on in the past by b/f and current boyfriend (now two years) - didn't really get my trust at first. I do trust him now, but he doesn't always see that and I did make him jump through a few hoops.

 

He does have an ex girlfriend who he claims is a friend that we had a huge row about - but mainly because he wasn't honest with me about her to start with. I did meet her, and she was a bitch. She put him down and told him his understanding of things was naive (we were talking about politics). I told him (in all honesty) that I didn't see the point in keeping in touch with ex's.

 

So your choices are - if you want to stay in touch with this ex, include your girlfriend and let your girlfriend become her friend.

 

To gain her trust you have to be totally honest with her, and just let her know that it does hurt you to be painted with the brush of others mistakes. That you deserve to be trusted until your behaviour says otherwise.

 

And then don't let your behaviour say otherwise.

[GentlemanJeff]

It's only been about 4 months. On one hand, I feel like that's good because all it will require is some patience and time, but on the other hand... we've been together NONSTOP every single weekend and see each other during the week sometimes too. When we don't see each other on weekdays, we usually talk on the phone, chat online, send text messages, etc. We're in constant contact, I've met her family/friends, she's met my family/friends, I have things of hers all over my place, I do things for her that take time/effort in planning, I don't hide voice mail or my cell phone or anything from her, let her use my computer whenever, and she knows she is more than welcome to come over my place at any time... I mean, it should be OBVIOUS I'm not cheating, so what is going to happen when I start wanting to hang out with my friends/family occassionally (i've been neglecting them for her recently) or want some time to myself to enjoy my hobbies?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i think it sounds like you're headed for trouble if you stay with this girlfriend.

 

she wants to beat you up in your sleep for 'dream-cheating' on her? this girls needs to get a grip. she is not ready to be in a relationship; she needs to get over her baggage from the ones before you.

 

if you let her act this way and cut people off at her will, she will expect that you will always do what she tells she you to do...and when you don't, it'll be a huge issue to deal with. i suspect this would happen often, too, from what you say about her. she already has compromised your time away from friends and your family--that's a problem.

 

i mean it, get away from this ticking time bomb. you've only been together 4 months, you'll both get over it.

 

this doesn't sound healthy, and if a man was treating a woman this way, he would be called controlling and borderline abusive.

[Spoonandfork22]

my boyfriend and i have been together over a year and i am STILL learning to trust him. as you described, we had some ex issues in the beginning and some half-truths and all of those small things that become BIG THINGS unintentionally. he ended up cutting off the ex (partly b.c. of her behavior and partly because of me) and i am still coming to terms that she still wants to be in his life and actively tries.

 

the thing with us women is that once we are burned in the past, especially if we didnt realize it was going on when it was, we tend to overanalyze everything because we are trying to safeguard it from happening again. i have done what your gf has done. when my bf's phone is on vibrate, i have had those moment where i wonder if hes trying to avoid me hearing a call. or if someone calls and he doesnt answer i wonder if its because its inappropriate since im there, i.e. hes going to call HER later. i know, its sick, but this happens when you have had your heart broken. it is very hard to see all the good, and believe me, my bf has been AMAZING as im sure you have as well. it is easier for us to be on guard b.c. that way we wont feel stupid in the end if you hurt us.

 

that being said....it is a TERRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! no one should bring their SO down b.c. of the past, and everyone should be trusted until given a reason not to. Luckily for me, I was blessed with a fantastic boyfriend who has put up with my BS for this long. he has shown me througout that he CAN be trusted and day by day it gets easier, but also, the more you love and care for someone, the higher the stakes are that they could one day leave you and i think thats why we sometimes doen let people in 100% b.c. we prepare for the worst.

 

my bf and i had many talks about our relationship and his ex's boundaries. our boundaries, our feelings, the whole 9 yards. communication is the key. you need to address to her that snooping isnt the answer and show her that you are willing to prove your love and trust. but as for her, and as ive learned, she needs to stop the destructive behavior. stop jumping to conclusions unless there really is a validity to do so.

 

i know this is such a hard situation and both of you need to be willing to work through it. like i said, communication is the key. and that whole dream thing of hers, thats not even in your control and that really is kinda nutty that she gets literally angry at you. thats silly. i honestly just had a dream last night about my bf cheating on me and yu know what that told me? im OBSESSING TOO MUCH and i need to be more positive. yea its hard but no use being mad at my bf for a DREAM.

 

i wish you the best of luck and keep us posted!

[shoesies05]

girls are worriers...

 

do u like/love this girl enough to be there for her as she heals?

 

you could be great for her- u could be the guy that shows her how much u care for her and that u wont cheat on her, and she'll realy appreciate you for it. that's if it gets to that point... but do u want the committment of it?